Everyone expected Hogwarts to become bully city with so many Slytherins running around. The strange thing was, this turned out to not be the case at all.

"We need to turn around people's perceptions about Slytherin," said Scorpius Malfoy, the eldest of the great Malfoy clan, while standing before the others in the Slytherin Common Room. "Isn't that right, Albus Severus?" he added, elbowing the Potter child saddled with a name that was arguably even more unfortunate than Serpantus.

"Scorpius is right as ever," said Albus Severus Potter. They both blushed like anime bishounen boys. It was supposed to be a secret, but everyone knew they were shagging.

"In all seriousness folks," Scorpius continued, "we have numbers on our side here at Hogwarts, but in the wizarding world at large our PR is in a shoddy spot right now. They blame our house for Moldytort."

Nobody flinched. Slytherins were badass that way.

"So what we need is to turn their frowns upside down!" Scorpius said. "See, folks, we are Slytherins. We are cunning snakes. We do whatever it takes to get what we want. Maybe in other times this means bullying people into being our servants, but those days are past us. This is an era of networking-an era of fake smiles, false friendships, and soulless career growth. In today's world, getting what we want at any cost means pretending to be nice people even when they're absolutely beneath us."

Some Slytherins mumbled in confusion at this.

"I'm serious," said Scorpius. "It might seem beneath our dignity but it really is the most logical way forward. We shall make other people's lives better so that they trust us enough to be our friends, and then we can use that to our advantage. It's just like in an office. You've got coworkers you don't care two knuts about but you've got to play nice so that they'll vouch for you if one of them gets a job at Google and you want them to take you with them."

The Slytherins scratched their heads in confusion. Out of all the houses, they had the fewest Muggle borns among them, and the only two Slytherins to take Muggle Studies were Scorpius (who had done it to piss off his father) and Albus Severus Potter, who had done it just to have an elective that would require no effort, and allow him to stare longingly at Scorpius for an hour or so. He, of course, laughed at the joke, even though he hadn't paid enough attention during class to know what a Google was.

"Probably should have realized that one wouldn't land," Scorpius muttered sheepishly. "Anyway! I know those little shits in the other houses all seem quite punchable, but let's dial it back a bit. If we make them love us, then our reputation will soar, and there's no place we can't go."

"Brilliant, Scorpius!" Albus Severus cheered.

The other Slytherins frowned. It made sense, but it seemed like a deeply unsatisfying plan.

"Why should we listen to these fags?" said 11-year-old Dorkus Malfoy. He hated Scorpius, partly because Scorpius was older, and partly because Scorpius was his brother.

His sister Marvola Malfoy, who was TOTALLY not named after a certain Tom Marvolo Riddle, punched him in the arm. "Shush, Dorkus! Don't you know that Slytherin is the gayest house?"

"She's right you know," said two third-year Crabbe twins.

"Besides," said Marvola, face suddenly turning bright red. "They're ADORABLE!"

She scribbled fanfiction into her notebook.

"That's our brother," Dorkus said awkwardly.

Marvola ignored him. He didn't understand that it wasn't about liking either of the boys in particular, but rather the tormented romance they shared! Plus she was related to just about every Slytherin boy at school, and she was NOT about to go out with some Hufflepuff riff-raff. Maybe a Ravenclaw boy. Maybe. But only if he was REALLY full of himself.

Dorkus, for his part, had inherited his father's predilection for apples, and knew that no one-neither man nor woman-could satisfy his cravings like an apple could. Dorkus was also 11, which may have contributed to this notion.

And so a new era for Slytherin house began: one that was kinder, faker, and decidedly gayer.

Portrait Dumbledore-who kept leaving his painting to have messy painting sex with a portrait of Grindlewald that was hiding somewhere in the Room of Requirement-thoroughly approved.