For Amalie's Love

Chapter 7: Rum and Tea, but No One Gets a Cookie

Amalie

Two more weeks passed before I saw him again. Summer began to fade into fall. I longed to come home to something more than an empty apartment, a dog and a TV dinner, but my melancholy was so great that the dog was lucky not to starve to death from my uncaring impulses. I went to work and pretended I was fine, I wore the stones now only in places where people knew me as human. My yokai appearance would have been far too bitter a thing to explain to friends and colleagues.

Damocles had been acting far too protective since my change, barking noisily into the night and whining at odd hours. His attitude had been grating on my nerves. He was not the source of my tumultuous feelings, but didn't need him becoming a possible target of them, so I'd sent him to stay at Kameko's house in the hills. I was also glad at the moment that Rinee was not there to see my continued wallowing in self-loathing because she would have felt responsible, and I was in no mood to explain to a child with fluffy ears and a tail about what a monster I thought I was.

When I returned that night I kicked off my high heals and stood in my living room for a moment listening to the still apartment. Then I went to the fridge and reached for the bottle of rum I kept in the icebox, it had become a tradition over the past two weeks for me to sit on my veranda and drown my inwardly focused contempt in alcohol before crawling to bed. Not unlike when I first gained my powers. I was so filled with rage and so completely out of control I nearly killed Diane and Rinee… Thoughts of that painful time forced me to put the bottle back in the freezer and place the tea kettle on to boil instead. Those who do not learn from their mistakes are fated to repeat them, and I am stronger than that.

Taking my tea onto the balcony I sat down in my customary chair and looked out onto the Tokyo skyline oblivious to its brilliance and anything else beyond my own inner turbulence. As they had so often in the past weeks, my memories turned to the night in the field, and the look of fear in his eyes. My primal joy at invoking such a reaction in a Daiyokai of Sesshomaru's caliber had long faded to bitter regret at its implications. I am too much of a monster, even for the monsters and too much of a coward to end my own abominable life.

The thought was becoming a comfortable one, my new companion in a world I no longer belonged to and I could not get past it to answer the more important question, What now? I was stuck in a loop of self-disgust and hatred and my tea had gone cold.

Sober for the first night in two weeks, I set my cold tea aside, pulled my knees to my stomach and let the shame filled tears role down my face in bitter, wretched sobs.

A hand gently brushed my hair from my face and back up to my shoulder. I jumped away in alarm, falling out of my chair and knocking my table over. My upended tea pooled around Sesshomaru's black, Italian shoes. Wow, not only I am as perceptive as a lump of rocks, but just as graceful. Will I going to be as articulate too? "What are you doing here?" I was relieved that there was no note of alarm to my words as I busied myself with righting my chair and table. Stupid! How could I be so involved in my own mess that I didn't notice his aura? Nothing should have gotten that close without my notice. What if he'd been a DK assassin? Wordlessly, he offered me my salvaged mug.

Our fingers brushed for a moment as I took it from him. An electricity thrill shot through me at the brief contact. "Thank you." I said it so softly I did not think he had heard it, but he replied. "You are welcome." His voice was comforting and the relief I felt when I heard it astonished me, when did I become so attached to him that I longed to hear his voice? Why did I not notice when he arrived? When did I start to miss his company after such a brief and unhappy association? I looked up into his face then, curious as to his appearance on my porch. The wind tousled his hair slightly and I tightened my grip on the mug to refrain from reaching out to him. What in the world is wrong with me? I am practically trembling!

The memory of his fear came back to me then, and my lips drew themselves into a determined line. Whatever the reason that has brought him here, it is certainly not polite or social, and probably shouldn't be discussed on my terrace. Opening the sliding door I entered my apartment and did not wait to see if he would follow.

Going to the kitchen I returned the water to boil and prepared the tea service. I heard the balcony door slide home and his steady footsteps as he walked through the apartment to the small kitchen. He stood in the doorway silently studying me as I poured water into the antique teapot. I deliberately ignored him as I gathered two cups onto my tea service and carried them to the nearby table.

The silence continued, as I poured the dark tea into mugs and pushed one towards the empty seat across from me as I sat. Your move and I gazed thoughtfully down into my mug waiting. As if my stillness was a cue, he entered the room fully and took the indicated seat. The tears had dried on my face and I had not bothered to wipe them away, my eyes where sore from my crying, but I refused to comment on the dejected scene he must have witness upon his arrival. I continued to wait for him to speak, after all he sought me out and no one should have to explain themselves it their own home.

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Sesshomaru

Every night for two weeks, the same routine two bottles of rum and then crawl drunkenly to bed, rise and repeat. How long does she plan to go on like this? Even from this distance her anger and hatred are palpable. He had been watching her downward spiral since that fateful night in the field and he wavered between wanting to go to her and knock some sense into her and wanting to hold her until the pain was gone.

This night began no different than the others; she came home, stood in the living room for a moment and then went to retrieve her first bottle of the evening from the freezer. As he stood there, watching her contemplate the rum in her hand he determined to leave and not suffer watching the unbearable scene from so many other nights replay itself again, when she put the bottle back into the icebox and put a kettle on the stove. Heh? Could it be she is finally coming out of it?

Surprise and hope leapt to life with in him has he watched her walk to the balcony and sit with a mug of tea instead of her customary bottle. She sat in the chair for an hour lost in thought. Yet, instead of the normal tormented and hateful feelings her aura had emanated in the past weeks, there was a distinct air of sorrow and melancholy to her demeanor. She finally took a sip of her now icy tea and then set it aside. Curling herself tightly in the chair, her heart wrenching sobs and overwhelming grief reached him a moment later.

Amalie, was his only thought as he raced to her side, focused on doing something to stop her pain. Yet when he reached her lamenting form, he was bewildered as to what he should do. Thoughtlessly he brushed her hair back intent on seeing her face. She recoiled violently to his touch; knocking the furniture into disarray and spilling tea everywhere.

When she entered the apartment he berated himself for his stupidity, Baka! Of course she would not wish for you to touch her, you are the very being she despises! Yet she left the door open as if expecting him to follow her shuffling steps inside, and now that he was here he could not tear himself from her presence. He wondered again at the irrational attraction he had for this woman and where it came from.

At the doorway to the kitchen he hung back, unsure if she would order him to leave or allow him to remain. He notice two cups on the tray and was momentarily encouraged, but now being so near her dejection he found it was almost a physical manifestation that inhabited the whole apartment and it angered him. His rage was conflicted. He could not tell if he was angrier at her for being weak enough to succumb to such a pathetic melancholy, himself for being the cause of her sorrow, or the devils who raised her to possess such loathing of his kind that she could not even forgive her own nature.

He decided to lay the blame at the feet of the DK, since they already had so many crimes against them, and guilt was not an emotion that he was comfortable carrying for long. They will pay for all of this dearly. He swore as he sat across from her at the table and considered what to say.

"Is it truly such a terrible fate?" He studied her face for any sign of the spirited harridan that he had grown so fond of, and after two weeks outside her home, he had to admit, even to himself, that there was a fondness.

"What? You came all this way for more questions, Sesshomaru-sama? I thought by now you had learned all you needed from me." Her despondent voice nevertheless heartened him; at least her words were still sharp.

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Amalie

"I am just curious. You do not look well." His answer was low, but his look was penetrating. I was flabbergasted, after everything that has occurred he has the nerve to come here and question me and then pretend at concern? What's the deal now; does he want to set up a thumb wrestling competition or some other half cooked plan to test my limits? Why does he continue to torment me?

"You do not have to pretend at concern for me. Just say what it is you need to and be gone. I am in no mood for games of demands, threats and promises. Nor do I have the inclination for moonlit walks among the flowers." Anger would have tainted my words if it had not all been long spent. Instead my voice sounded tired and weak. Despite my numbness I returned his intense look levelly; he would not see me flinch from him again, not after everything else.

He leaned over the table towards me moving the cups from his path with a brisk motion of his hand. "If it is only pretense, then what other knowledge, trinket, or offering do you believe you posses that would draw me here again?" Calculation filled his eyes and a slight smile curved his lips as he towered over me.

"I am sure my feeble; ningen mind cannot possibly fathom what would motivate such a great Daiyokai as you. Nor would I presume to." This time I found my temper and my words where laced with sarcasm and contempt. I knew full well the term, ningen would never apply to me again, but I could not help throwing it at him. His response was as swift as it was unexpected. I was pulled roughly out of my chair and drawn into his arms; the violence of it picked me completely off my feet as his mouth crushed mine in a passionate and ferocious kiss.

I was stunned, I was paralyzed, and my body was on fire. I could no more resist him than I could have staved off a hurricane. My mouth devoured his greedily as my tongue explored the cavern of his mouth. My hands clutched the front of his shirt tightly and I felt his own tongue linger on my fangs and a growl rose deep in his throat as he roughly turned and pinned my back against the kitchen wall. His hands trailed down my body resting on both sides of my hips as he leaned into me demandingly and I grew wet in anticipation of so much more. The power of my own need alarmed me. What is going on?! I cried in my mind and the spell was broken, I shoved at him hard and the table was shattered on impact, but there was distance between us now, and my ardor-befuddled brain began to work again.

"What are you thinking?!" I yelled in alarm, I would have stepped even further away from him, but my back was literally to the wall and my breath was coming to me in ragged pants, his own composure was in similar state of disrepair, but anger burned in his eyes. Well he obviously didn't plan that at least, and the knowledge that his outburst was not tactically motivated surprised and delighted me. Of all things could he possibly be genuinely attracted to me?

"Why did you stop?" was his furious retort and he advance towards me again. I growled fiercely and I put a warning hand up to stop him. I didn't expect such a puny defense to work, but in my panic I didn't know what else to do. He placed a hand on the wall above me and leaned forward letting his chest rest against my hand, but he let the pathetic barrier remain. The urge to ball my fist into the fabric of his shirt and pull him to me was alarmingly persuasive, but the fear of its intensity gave me strength. "Why did you start?" I snarl at him.

"You cannot deny you desire me, I can smell it all over you." He leaned forward and his breath touched my neck as he inhaled me, his free hand rested languidly on my hip to emphasize his point, and a new wave of passion rolled over me, I shivered involuntarily. My control was a thin obstacle that would not take much more of this onslaught to break; it has been a very long time...

His own desire was tangible his smell, his aura and his body radiated his need like a furnace. "No, but it doesn't mean I have to cave to it either, just tell me what you want so you can leave." I begged weakly feeling myself losing the battle against him and my on compulsion.

"Oh, but I've already told you what I want." He replied with a feral smile as the claws on his free hand delicately raked across the skin of my thigh. Involuntarily I shuddered and my eyes closed.

Breathlessly I managed to say, "I really should stop over estimating you. I just assumed a Daiyokai of your caliber would have better impulse control." My words hit home and hit claws dug into the thigh they had been caressing and he pushed himself away from me with a growl leaving bloody furrows in my leg. I hissed at the pain but didn't protest, my head was clearer for the hurt and I pressed my advantage. "Whatever attraction may exist here can only be a result of the enchantment which transformed me into an atrocity with a mockery of your own abilities. I for one will not be manipulated in such away; I refuse to be controlled by something so utterly repulsive."

My words appeared to have a calming effect, or at the very least his icy composure had returned. "You still refuse to acknowledge that you are no longer human. Your ability to control yourself may be lacking, but your ability to delude yourself is still very much intact. I am motivated by nothing but my own whims, and it is obvious now, that you are unworthy of my time or consideration." I admit freely, despite my own opinions on where the feelings I had for him came from, his words cut deeply.

"You sought me out, Sesshomaru, so the wasted time is your own fault. As for the loss of your consideration, since your opinion means nothing to me, I will not regret the absents of it in the slightest. I do regret my recent, temporary lack of judgment, however and I wish to correct it by inviting you to leave immediately."

"Rest assured that I will leave, and I will not seek you out again, but know this: if ever we meet again you will admit what you are, or die with the lie on your lips. You are Yokai and to deny your own nature is folly." I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to contradict the truth in his words, I wanted to kill him, and I wanted to beg him to never leave me. Instead I just stood there, and silently watched him depart before collapsing to the floor and bitterly expressing my disgust for the life I was trapped in, with heaving sobs.

Sesshomaru

"Whatever attraction may exist here can only be a result of the enchantment which transformed me into an atrocity with a mockery of your own abilities. I for one will not be manipulated in such away; I refuse to be controlled by something so utterly repulsive." Repulsive. The word rang in his mind and dampened his ardor and fury with frustration and regret. He forced an emotionless mask to slide down his face as he regained his composure. How many centuries will it take before she accepts herself?

He words had wounded him and he felt a need to do the same, "You still refuse to acknowledge that you are no longer human. Your ability to control yourself may be lacking, but your ability to delude yourself is still very much intact. I am motivated by nothing but my own whims, and it is obvious now, that you are unworthy of my time or consideration."

There conversation concluded quickly at that, as she ordered him from her home, and he left, no longer able to face her rage and dilution. Anger, a habitual refuge from bewildering emotions and confusing events one whishes to avoid, comfortable and known he tried to hold onto the sanctuary it offered for as long as he could, yet he found it impossible. Unlike the passion that had flared in his breast and would not abandon him, his rage had fled and left him alone with his chaotic thoughts and unsolicited sentiments. Why? Why am I drawn to her? Why do I want her? Why can I not control this? Why did she deny me? Why does she refuse to acknowledge her power? The questions in his mind built without end. If Myoga or Totosai where alive I would make them give me answers. He savagely struck out at the corner of a nearby building taking a chunk of brick out of the wall and shaking the building to its foundation before continuing his directionless walk.

He was not one to deny himself something he wanted, but in his mind he admitted that she had been right, this attraction he felt for her was beyond his nature. It pulled and pushed and drew him to her at every turn, but no matter what power and form she might posses now, she had been born a ningen, and that should have been enough to repel him. The fact that he worked so hard to rationalize it away should have been enough to prove that there was some form of manipulation here. She and I are in agreement on this point, this Sesshomaru does not like to be manipulated either. But if she is not the one doing the exploitation, where does it come from and how do I end its torment?

He thought again of her Yokai form in the field with the moonlight making her fur glow. It was an image he had recalled often in the past weeks. Magnificent, beautiful and terrifying, the bloodlust was so strong in her, and her control on it so fragile. Faced with it I could not control my own fear, if she had killed me it would have only been fitting, I have never been so close to fleeing anything in my life. Shame, guilt, fear and desire these are weak ningen emotions that, until recently, he had effortlessly avoided. Only a very powerful enchantment indeed could make it so easy for them to rise with in him at every encounter with her.

I will focus on destroying the Demon Killers, put her from my mind, and I will not seek her out again. There is nothing more I need from her, and that way lies only folly. Yet, in his heart, where he tried to ignore it, there was an empty ache, and it echoed her name.