For Amalie's Love
Chapter 8: Controlled Euphoria
Amalie
I ran as fast as my muscles would allow, and felt my yokai burn in my blood as it added to my speed. I'd been in the country for a good hour, passing little farming communities, when I reached the mountains and breathed in the crisp night air and I finally started to sweat and slow my pace. I'm really fast. I thought as I shifted back. Standing on the mountain looking down I could barely see the lights of Tokyo from my vantage.
He said I lacked control and it galvanized me. In the days following his departure I had resolved to ruthlessly train my yokai to obey me. The hardest part was when I shifted into my full yokai form; the great beast almost overwhelmed any sense of who and what I was with its desire for blood and mayhem. The people in the isolated houses where a great temptation, a chance to spill blood, to taste it and their terror as they both ran out of feeble bodies. A thrill went through me and I shivered as I contemplated it, and revulsion soon followed as the horror of that feeling and those thought registered.
I sat on the ground, drew my knees to my chest and hugged them close. The bloodlust was difficult to control, but possible and I had made leaps and bounds since I started transforming regularly. I had Sesshomaru to thank for that, before that night I had only change my form a total of three times. The first when I received the power from Hiroshi, once in a drunken rage and once in defense of Diane and Rinee when the council had found us the first time. Each event convinced me the power was evil, seductive and uncontrollable.
Yokai, to deny your own nature is folly. His words haunted me; he called me a yokai, which means that whatever else he witnessed when I change he saw the form of a true inu-yokai that night, not just the illusion of one. The realization disgusted me, terrified me and filled me with sorrow. I wanted so much to deny it, but again he was right, it was a lie and I had lied to myself for too long as it was. I was a fighter, a hunter; trained to kill what I had become, I had run rather that fight for three years. In that time I had denied what I was, the power and advantage I had gained, while still using them as a means of defense.
In the few short days that I had adopted my new routine I found that my yokai no longer fought me and I did not need struggle to control my inner self. I trained my martial skills in the morning, went to work, and honed my yokai skills at night. Sitting on that mountain I was content and comfortable in my skin for the first time in three years. Yokai, to deny your own nature is folly. For three years I feared what I was becoming, thinking that if I did not give in and use the power to much or change my form I would not become what I had been raised to hate. But Hiroshi was a yokai and he was not evil. Rinee is a hanyou, she is not evil, this entire time I also have been a full-blown yokai and I am not evil and I am not a beast. I thought vehemently, I am good and strong, and as long as I control the bloodlust and do not give into it, I am not a monster, and I am stronger than the entire Demon Killers clan combined I sighed heavily, I am a yokai. I am a demon. I am a yokai. It made me wanted to scream, cry, rage and laugh out loud for the absurdity of it all. I was, the best of the best. I had more demon blood on my hands than any other Demon Killer, save the council, themselves and I was content with being their enemy.
I wanted to go to Spain, march to their walls and tear them down with nothing but my bare hands and claws. I wanted to fill their courtyard with acid and melt my way through their fortifications to the council chamber. I would finally make them pay for their greed, shortsightedness, Hiroshi's death and for the disgust for what I had become that I had held in my heart all these painful years. They had crippled me and harmed so much more. They had damaged the balance by removing good demons that defended it and I wanted them to pay.
Yet, I knew a single demon, yokai, or Daiyokai had no chance of winning a full-blown assault on the DK Stronghold. Even I would never have made it to the council seat alone, and I knew those halls like the back of my hand. I could do it with Sesshomaru's help. I sighed again and acknowledged the other reason I ran, and why I trained so hard. He dominated my thoughts. At night I lay in bed thinking of him. His voice, his kiss, his hands and his body; I ached for him, I missed him and I my pride would not allow me to go to him.
I'm not wrong; there is some enchantment behind this, my head knows that this is not right my heart just doesn't care. The jewel came from his own father and was made when he was just a baby from his own fang. Surly not even a yokai father could hold some evil desire in his heart for his infant child. Hiroshi told me the Inu-no-Taisho was a legend when he was young, nearly four hundred years ago, so this cannot be a threat leveled at me. Could a defender of the balance really plot evil against his infant son? I puzzled over it and nothing made sense even to my own suspicious mind, the council had no reason to alter it, I was still very loyal to them when it came to my hands. I honestly believe they had no idea of its true power, so where does this attraction come from?
My thoughts circled themselves in the chill night; I kept coming back to the idea that the attraction was some how genuine and dismissing it. Does it matter? Now that I am a yokai, now that I acknowledge it, and have accepted that other form as myself, could I take a yokai lover? Hell, how could I bring myself to take a human lover again, knowing the life span of a yokai is measured in centuries? My thought where beginning to make me angry. I still could not justify having sex with a yokai to the teachings that had been drilled into me since birth. I decided to dismiss my thoughts for a time and return to the city.
I allowed my yokai to fill me, the bloodlust rose to the surface as my yokai forced my face, body and limbs to lengthen and become broader. The change occurred so fast the power pushed me away from the earth's surface in a glowing sphere of energy. Quickly my torso became enormous, my muscles contorted to fit my new frame, and my fur enveloped my body. In seconds the change was complete and my new form came back to the earth. The impact probably would have rocked the neighboring countryside if I hadn't already been running.
I felt strong and powerful, the sheer joy of motion was almost enough for me to forget the loss of my identity. I stopped on an outcrop before I left the mountain and let loose a great blissful howl. I smelled the fear in the valley bellow, and it made me show my teeth in a doggy grin. Until we take on the DK, that's as close as you will get to what you want. I thought to my inner self as I began to run again, racing the moonlight home.
Sesshomaru
Four days since he saw her last. Four days of thoughts of her, and three nights of having the same dream. He is kissing her, running his hands along the tempting length of her torso and then she slips from his arms and laughing retreats into the woods. He follows her, and though her scent is everywhere he can't hear or see her. His need for her is always so intense, and then she screams and it is a sound to chill his blood and make his heart race. He runs to find her desperate to know where she is and if she is all right. Then he is standing before the old tree Bokusen'on, and he wakes without finding her.
The first time he had the dream he knew that even if it was the product of his own fevered mind that Bokusen'on, if he still lived, was the only one remaining that may have known his father's reasons behind the jewel encased fang. Hosenki probably crafted it but he, like so many others, is long dead from the battle with Naraku. Eager to find the tree yokai, Sesshomaru left that first morning.
The countryside had changed greatly in the five hundred years since he last saw him, but Sesshomaru knew that the forest Bokusen'on resided in still stood on the most northern tip of the country. It took him a day to find it; the tree yokai had become enormous in the intermediate centuries, and lazy. It took Sesshomaru two days of constant banging on the hard tree trunk before Bokusen'on finally awoke.
"Sesshomaru-sama, I was not expecting to see you again. Did I not tell you of your brother's sword, or did I dream it?" The trees deep voice reverberated sleepily through the valley.
"No, Bokusen'on, I am here for something else. A fang my father encased in a jewel. Do you know of it?"
"Know of it? But of course Hosenki used sap from my very roots to create it, a most disagreeable process, but the jewel was very pretty when it was finished."
"Do you know why my father would have such a thing forged?"
"Of course, though I loved your father deeply I would not have sacrificed a root without knowing the Inu-no-Taisho's purpose."
"My patience with you grows thin, old tree, what was that purpose."
"To give it to a woman of course."
Sesshomaru let out a low warning growl, "I do not have time for games, what woman and for what reason?"
The tree sighed heavily and his leaves rustled with its exasperation, "Ah, forgive me I have been asleep a long time. I will tell you the tale if you would here it." Sesshomaru waited without responding until the tree spoke again, "Very well. You know that your father and your mother where a political match. He wanted access to the eastern lands and the lord there would only grant it to him if he sired an heir to bind the two lands and ensure no attack would come from the west. In accordance with the treaty, you where to remain with your mother to ensure the amity would be maintained.
"The Daughter of the East was not an affectionate mother and your father feared you would know nothing of love if you remained there. Your father regretted his son's loveless fate and so he went to a powerful Miko, who was said to know the future and he asked what he could do to ensure that you would find love. She told him to have the jewel forged, and to give it to Hiroshi at the end of his next great battle. The Jewel would find its way to your true mate and after many centuries and many hardships your father's wish to give you the ultimate power and joy love provides would be granted, long after he died."
"Love, heh, how absurd." With that Sesshomaru turned to leave, but Bokusen'on was not done, "Sesshomaru-sama, listen well, if you have found your true mate, guard her with your life. The Miko also said that you and the one who holds the power of the jewel would face a trial that may cost your mate her life, if you are not vigilant. Love is stronger than any mountain or power and more fragile than glass. Guard it well or it will be lost forever."
He did not reply, but continued to walk. He was angry again at his father, for the first time in years he was faced with yet another task to prove himself to the old man's memory, it was a cruel joke. Like Tetsusaiga, Tessaiga and that damned Meidou-Seki, which almost cost Rin her life. Tests, tests, and more tests, will I never be rid of his meddling? He was angry with the Miko he did not know and who was by now long dead and beyond even Tessaiga's reach. Most of all he was furious with himself, for not seeing his fathers plot before now.
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Amalie
On the phone that morning I told Diane everything about the fight, the kiss, the desire, the shifts, and she was the first person to hear me admit I was a yokai.
"So what are you going to do, hon?" Her musical voice was calm and accepting.
"I'm going to exterminate any Demon Killers that come my way and hope they learn there lesson eventually." I responded viciously.
"No, about the guy you are obviously I love with."
"I'm not in love."
"Fine, deep meaningful lust then, but what are you going to do?"
"I don't know Diane."
"Fuck him."
"Excuse me?"
"Fuck him, and see if you feel the same in the morning."
"Um, how about no."
"Fine, talk to him."
"What the hell would I say?"
"You'll know when you see him."
"I don't think so."
"Just go see him, you can't leave it like this, just go."
"Sure."
"Go, now."
"Sure, bye Diane."
"Bye."
Days later, I stood outside of the towering office building for over an hour thinking about what to say, how to say it or even if I would go in at all. Why am I even here? He had come to me at ever encounter, this was the first time I sought him out, and I was certain that it was the most foolish thing I'd done in the entirety of my life.
I could feel him there; his presents permeated the very pavement and I wondered if he could feel me too, maybe from that dark window there, to the left of the door, or that one on the top floor. I shivered as I contemplated him watching me, unseen. I long to be next to him at that window looking down into the street, but I turned instead and let my cowardly feet drag me towards the sidewalk away from his aura.
"Hey you watch out!" A man to my right yelled and I only had a second to jump back as a bundle of rebar fell from the nearby construction site. It missed me by inches, but I'd lost my balance and over corrected, I was falling towards the jagged edge of a metal pipe instead, with no hope of avoiding it in time. And then I was caught, held in his arms, enveloped in his aura, safe and breathless.
"Sesshomaru." It was all I could say, gazing up into his eyes.
"Amalie." His voice was cold and distant, but his eyes of melted gold, where sparkling.
I struggled to right myself, but he wouldn't break the embrace. "I… I came to see you." I mumbled dumbly.
"It appears you are leaving instead."
"I, no, yes. I don't know, would you please let me go?" I blushed as I pulled away and this time he released me. "There where things left unsaid the other day, and I have to say them."
"So, you finally sought me out, but are you here to speak truths or lies?"
"Oh God! Never mind, this was a mistake; you always manage to say just the right thing to make me angry! I can't even remember what possessed me to actually seek out your company." I ranted as I stormed away from him.
"Stop" he ordered and I just kept walking. He moved quickly to my side and reached for my arm but I avoided it and quickened my pace. He made no move to follow and I was almost to the street when I hear him say, "Please, stop." I halted in my tracks he just said please.
"Did you just say please?" The shock I felt was apparent in my words and a smirk crossed his face as he slowly moved towards me.
"I did, and you stopped. Now, perhaps we can walk together, and talk." He reached my side and took my hand into his and tugged me towards the street.
"What exactly do we have to talk about?" I challenged pulling my hand from his I stuffed into the pocket of my jeans and continued down the street as he kept pace beside me.
"Why did you seek me out?"
"I hardly think it's relevant anymore."
His hand came out and rested on my shoulder, "Please?" I stopped and looked into his face for several moments before brushing off his hand and continuing my walk."Twice in one day, I am truly honored. That's probably the most you've used that word in your life." I sighed and blurted out, "I came to tell you that you where right."
"About?" His voice seemed almost amused, but maybe it was my imagination that made it seem like he was laughing at me.
"Always the questions with you." I said crossly.
"It does seem to be the way it is between us." I laughed at that, as if there could be anything at all between us and a flutter of something rose up in my heart in answer.
"Look, if you think this is painless for me you would be sorely mistaken, so if you could just take it easy I'd be most appreciative." My tone was harsh but I was going to lose my nerve at any moment, and I couldn't stop feeling happy that I was just with him again.
"Indeed."
"Ok, here it is, you where right about me not being human anymore. I am a…" I almost choked on it, "Yokai. There I've said my piece and now this is done. Thank you for listening and good bye."
"You came here for that."
I chuckled bitterly, "Honestly I'm not sure why I came, I just could move passed all of this without telling you; I needed to settle things."
"Things are not settled, Amalie." My name from his lips made my heart do a summersault and I stopped walking.
"And pray tell, what's left?" I asked scornfully, expecting more questions. Maybe he wants me to draw him a map of DK headquarters.
"I have a story to tell you, about my father, myself and that jewel. It is your turn to listen as I talk." The story about his conception and the jewel was short, his words bitter and the contempt for his father and the Inu-no-Taisho's plans was plain.
"Your father must have cared for you a great deal." I said.
"Hardly, I do not yet know what sort of test this is, for me to find my true mate, but it is still just another one of his tests."
"True mate? What is that even supposed to mean? As for love, that's absolutely ridiculous the jewel may have carried and enchantment, but…" I trailed off and shook my head, grasping that on some level I wanted it to be true. I wanted him to be in love with me, because false or not, Diane was right, I'd fallen for him. The realization struck me like a blow and I stumbled to a nearby building before sitting hard on the steps. "Can my life become anymore absurd?"
"Absurd was not the word I expected you to use." Sesshomaru replied sitting on the step next to me. Sitting there, shoulder to shoulder felt so natural that I didn't feel like questioning it.
"And what word did you expect?" I looked at him curiously.
"Vile perhaps, nightmarish, contemptible, possibly loathsome."
I smiled sadly, "No, I've moved past all that. It all seems cruel now, but not foul, and I just can't be revolted or afraid of it anymore. I wasted too much of my life on all that already and it's gained me nothing but regrets."
"Such as?" He looked at me with open curiosity on his face and something more in his eyes.
"My list of regrets form the past three years are innumerable, but they all left me sadder, colder and more alone. I think I'm finally moving past that now, and I believe I have you to thank for it." I squeezed his hand and smiled sadly at him as I stood and released him. "But that's enough of that, I've said more than my piece. I won't ask for your forgiveness, but I do thank you, for everything." He reached out and clasped my hand in his, searching my face with his eyes.
"And what of the jewel and the story?" I looked down at him, sitting on the step holding my hand. On impulse I leaned down and kissed the crescent on his forehead.
"I don't know, probably more regrets." I said withdrawing my hand from his, and crossed the street to the bank of cabs parked near the office complex, leaving him there in stunned contemplation as I went back to my life, such as it was.
Sesshomaru
Probably more regrets, and then she kissed me. He relived that brief moment when her lips brushed his forehead, the shock that ignited something deep inside and caused his heart to flip in his chest. Her appearance had filled him with unaccountable gladness and the sorrow around her eyes made him long to draw her to him. This Sesshomaru regrets nothing. He thought, watching her get into a cab.