Hi everyone!
I own nothing beyond the musing in my head. Thank you to BusyBrie for betaing and Rhonda for pre-reading!
*~*~*NOW*~*~*
After the last two nights I had, I started to remember why I hated homework so much when I was in school. It wasn't so much that this homework was hard; it was just that most of it didn't make much sense to me. In my head, I had a logical point in time that I could look at on a calendar and say, "That is where my marriage started to fail." But the more I thought about it, the more I questioned if it was really that day. Maybe it had been sooner. Was our marriage doomed from the start and it just took us that long to reach this point? Were we always going to end up here?
With the help of a few beers I was able to lie down and think about the past. I remembered being so blissfully happy when saying my wedding vows and believing in them so strongly. I'd confidently told my parents, "I don't believe in divorce, period." Of course, the joke was now on me, but that wasn't the point. I didn't want to look like a fool, not to my family or my co-workers. I already shook my head every time I looked in the mirror, but I knew I'd have to get over that. College was a trying time given how busy I was with work and school, and Lauren with work, but I always assumed it would be hard for any newlywed couple to get into the groove of things. So instead I focused on the few years after college, when we were happier. At least, I was happy. I landed a decent job right out of the gate and managed to climb the corporate ladder very quickly so we were never short on money. We bought a house we both loved, and we even talked about children in the near-to-distant future. On the occasional long weekend, we'd take off on small vacations and eat out way too many times to be considered normal, but there were always smiles and happiness.
Even after a few beers, I groaned while thinking about sex with Lauren. We had never been lacking until that fateful day two years ago, but now it just gave me a metallic feeling in my mouth that I wanted to scrub away. No…sex with her was definitely not something I missed. Overall, I learned that the person I'd fallen in love with had changed, and I hadn't paid any attention to the warning signs.
I stayed true to my text and called my mother the second I got home on Tuesday night. She tried to keep a strong voice, but I could hear her tears, and it gutted me to know that I was the reason behind them. While I didn't disclose exactly what had gone wrong, I calmly explained that there would be no second thoughts and that the divorce was my final decision. She wanted to know when she could visit to help me decorate my new place and when I'd have time to come home, but I didn't really have answers for her yet. Although I liked my apartment, I was still unsettled about keeping it in the long-term. There had been talks around our office of new branches opening up with a few locations being leaked here and there. Though I didn't feel like I was running away from Lauren, I knew deep down I was running from the life we once had. The memories would always taint this place, and I knew I needed a fresh break. A clean break.
Shannon greeted me with her typical hello as I took sight of the open office door. Knowing I'd have enough time to change before coming on Thursdays, I was already in jeans, a t-shirt, and running shoes. My secretary, Kimberly, had eyed me curiously when I left my office wearing casual clothes instead of the suit and tie I had showed up in, but she was too smart to ask me why. While she had no idea the specific details of my personal life, I could tell she had caught onto the major changes I was going through just by some subtle changes in her attitude. Despite being unmarried and only a few years younger than me, I was more than thankful that her newfound attention felt more motherly than it did flirtatious or nosey.
"Good evening, Edward," Dr. Garrett greeted me as I walked through her doorway. She was standing by her desk before plucking her notepad and pen up and walking toward the couch.
"Hello," I greeted before following her and taking my typical spot on the couch.
"So, how did your homework go?" she immediately asked as I sighed.
"It went," I replied, a little nervous about how I was going to answer my homework-related questions. My nerves didn't really start until my butt hit the seat cushions, but I could already feel an internal war brewing in my head. On every logical based level I knew I was here to figure out my life, figure out how I got here, and hope the future yielded a better outcome. However, the man side of me said to shut my mouth and run. Not that lying by omission would make any of my past mistakes reverse themselves, but my dignity might be held intact. However, knowing my end goal kept me pressing forward as I continued on. "I talked to my mom Tuesday night and she got a little pushy, but I managed. I know they want to see me again soon, so I'm going to see if I can work in a quick trip home for a few days. Then, I started thinking about the specific question you asked. I've always had a day in my head that I could point to where everything changed, but I'm still torn on whether that's the day it all really started to go south or it's just the day the spotlight hit. I mean, I know when it felt like it started to fall apart, but now I'm seeing that maybe it just wasn't ever complete to begin with. Does that even make sense?"
"It does," she reassured me after looking up from her notepad. "It's very easy to focus on the obvious answers because that's what front and center in your mind. However, we're going to look at the full picture, too. So, my first question is: what was the obvious evidence you had that your marriage was falling apart?"
"I'm going to need to lie down for this," I warned before stretching out on the couch and letting air rush out of my lungs.
*~*~*THEN*~*~*
"Lauren," I called out from the doorway, trying to figure out where she was. I assumed she would have started dinner, but when I saw her on the sofa in the living room, I was a little taken aback. She appeared to have been crying, her normal attire was replaced with sweats, and all of the lights were dimmed. Aside from shock, I was terrified something had happened, so I rushed to her side. "Baby, what's wrong?" I asked quietly, but she kept mumbling the same phrase over and over again.
'I'm sorry, Edward. God, I'm so, so sorry…"
Not sure what she meant by any of it, I moved to her side and wrapped my arms around her as she kept saying the same thing over and over again for several minutes. Too many thoughts were running through my head as I tried to figure out what had happened while I was at work today.
At least five minutes went by before I was able to get her to speak to me, but once she did I wished I could go back in time and never ask her what had happened. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to hear, and I couldn't help by feel like a fool for not knowing what had been going on.
"Did you sleep with him?" I gasped after she admitted to kissing a guy she had met while grabbing her coffee every morning. Unbeknownst to me, they had been having coffee together several times a week, and today he pushed for more. I would say my first reaction was angry, but it was more of disbelief. My brain turned to goo as I tried to wrap my head around what I was hearing.
"What? No," she babbled for a second. "I didn't, I stopped it, but…"
"Did you-" I started to ask, but paused for a second. "Did you kiss him back?"
Lauren frozen the second the words were out of my mouth, and I knew the answer was yes before she tried to explain. "Yes, but Edward, you have to believe me. Once I realize it wasn't you, I stopped it…"
"Are you joking?" I asked as the fog inside my brain began to lift. "You really expect me to believe you didn't realize who you were kissing? Do you think I'm a fool?"
"What, no…" Lauren stuttered, but I was done listening.
Anger poured through my veins as I took in her words. It was obvious that she was upset because her tears were real enough, but after all I had done to get us where we were, this is how I was repaid? I loved her, defended her, and fought for us. And now she'd done this and expected me to believe it wasn't her fault?
I stood up from her side and started to walk out of the room in a tunneled haze. Lauren was very quick on my tail with words flying out of her mouth that ranged from being sorry to thinking we still needed to talk about everything, but I was so engulfed in frustration and anger that it had taken me several minutes to realize the hurt and utter feeling of disrespect that sat on the lowest surface of my heart. While I got up with the intent of going to our bedroom, I knew I needed to separate myself from Lauren with a solid barrier between us if I was going to calm myself down.
That night, I locked myself away in my home office and refused to answer my door, no matter how much she begged and pleaded. I had too many thoughts in my mind and I was seconds away from pushing past her so I could get a hotel room for the night before the hallway finally fell silent. Too scared to open the door, I simply turned my back on it and proceeded to bounce my head against my solid oak desk.
*~*~*NOW*~*~*
"Edward." Dr. Garrett called my name, interrupting me as I spoke. I blinked a few times before I realized the pain radiating in my arms and looked down at my clenched fists. While my nails hadn't drawn any blood, there were definitely indent marks from where they'd been. "Edward," she called again as I sat up.
"I'm sorry," I apologized, a little gruffer than I meant to sound. I hated reliving everything, not just because I wanted to go back and change all of my decisions immediately following it, but also because it made it real. It was no longer just a dirty little secret that very few people knew about, but something over which I had to take full ownership. I put myself in this position, and as the divorce continued to drag out, I wondered how much longer it would be kept quiet. Lauren had absolutely nothing to lose if it got out, but me…well, that was another story.
"You don't have to apologize," Dr. Garrett said after a minute or two. I think she realized the battle going on internally and gave me the break I needed. "I wanted your attention for two reasons. First, while I am a doctor, I'm not a very big fan of blood," she joked as she motioned to my hands. "More importantly, though, you're skipping things I'd like to focus on. When we get angry, we tend to block certain emotions that trigger more pain, thus seeing things from a very one-sided perspective. With your goals in mind, I need you to remember things from all sides."
"I understand," I acknowledged with a sigh. "I knew this wouldn't be easy, but this was two years ago and knowing where I could be now, just…" I cut myself off and shook my head.
"Edward, in your attempt to focus on the future, you've gone too far back. While you can't redo the past two years, you can hinder your future by allowing it to dictate today. Whatever stories you have to tell, decisions you've made, and agreements you went into won't matter as soon as you let go of the guilt you carry with it all," she explained, but her last few words were what my brain focused on, even after she added, "You have all the power and control now, you just have to learn to focus it."
"You know where I'm going with this, then? You said agreements, which meant you knew we opened up our marriage?" I asked point blank as she nodded her head.
"I had a fair guess. You've given me a lot of clues, but right now I don't want to jump ahead. Tell me about your first conversation with Lauren after that initial night," she prompted as I lay back down.
*~*~*THEN*~*~*
My back screamed at me as I rose out of my chair. I had fallen asleep on my desk and my body simply wasn't built for it. While I wasn't out of shape, every bone in my body seemed to make a noise of its own as I stretched my hands over my head.
While my body began to wake up, nerves flew through head as I realized the night before hadn't been some ridiculous dream, but an actual conversation with my wife. Not having any idea what I would find when I opened my door; I slowly walked over and unlocked the handle. Had I tried to take a step, I would have fallen flat on my face. Lauren rested in a ball at the base of the door, fast asleep. Her make-up was as smeared as the night before, she hadn't changed her clothes, and she just looked so...peaceful.
I shook my head and stepped over her on my way to the bathroom. Barely even looking at myself in the mirror, I got ready for my day. While I didn't know the fate of my marriage, I did know I had a job to get to, and I refused to be late. If I hated anything, it was when someone was late.
My body went into auto-pilot as I showered, shaved, put on cologne, dressed in my suit and tie, and grabbed a muffin from the counter in the kitchen. When I turned the corner toward the door, I saw Lauren sitting at the table with a blanket wrapped around her.
Though I didn't even want to acknowledge her presence, I did so with my eyes only. I realized I had no desire to touch her or kiss her and wish her a good day.
"Are you leaving me?" she asked in a small voice seconds before I went to pass her.
"I don't know," I answered honestly and continued to head for the door.
"I don't want that," she called out, but I didn't turn around. Inside my head I was still reeling, and while I knew that I still cared deeply for my wife, I wasn't sure I could overlook what happened. The trust between us had evaporated into thin air the second she told me.
When I arrived at my office, my secretary greeted me with a large smile and a coffee in hand. As she began rattling off my scheduling for the week ahead, I froze when I realized all of this could not have happened at a worse time.
Not only did I have wall-to-wall meetings, but I also had a business trip scheduled at the end of the week. So despite being home for the next five days, I would then be gone for five after that.
*~*~*NOW*~*~*
"So you left without any real talking the next morning?" Dr. Garrett questioned. I nodded.
"Pretty much," I replied. "The whole first two days were spent just walking past each other. When I got home that night Lauren was pretty much on me for the first few hours, but I just couldn't see past the hurt to answer her. It wasn't until day three that I finally sat down with her, and leaving two days later sealed the deal for where our marriage went. The thing that still stays is my mind is that had this been any other issue, I would have taken time off work. I would have cancelled the meetings, cancelled the trip, and do whatever I had to solve the problem, but this was simple cheating. She argued against that, but that was how I looked at it. Then she sat me down to talk about being open and I felt like I lost my sanity."
"We can stay over your time, if you'd like," Dr. Garrett offered as her eyes flicked to the clock, which revealed we only had about fifteen minutes left of our session. "I'd like to hear about that third day."
Knowing I had nowhere else I needed to be, I nodded and put my head back down.
*~*~*THEN*~*~*
The first two days were challenging on an emotional level. I went from angry to hurt to denial and back again. I'd walk in the door to a spotless house, mouthwatering scents coming from the kitchen, Lauren dressed up and smiling, but none of it helped. No matter how many times she tried to apologize, I just shut her out. Instead, I focused on work and the new project that my firm had taken on. Avoidance was something I had learned with my family when they did something I didn't like, so it shouldn't have been a shock when I chose the same tactic at first.
The third day was different, though. While the house was clean, there was no fresh cooked dinner, just Lauren sitting at the table with a pizza and a six-pack of beer. I looked at her quizzically for a couple seconds longer than I had in the past forty-eight hours. I'd even chosen to sleep in the guest bedroom instead of our room, so there wasn't even that, but I was so shocked by the change in tactic that it got my attention.
"Finally, you looked at me," she snapped as my eyes widened. "What?"
"You have an awful lot of nerve when you're the one who chose to go off and kiss another guy," I shot back as I grabbed a bottle from the pack on the table.
"Edward, I don't want him," she fumed, and I could tell she was over being nice to me. This was Lauren when she was annoyed, but she wasn't so used to me being angry. "I made a mistake, okay? I thought he was a nice guy, he was fun to talk to, we chatted about stupid stuff, but that was it. I wasn't dating him, this wasn't an affair."
"Really?" I scoffed. "Don't be delusional, Lauren. If this guy-what's his name again, Ryan? Yeah, if Ryan wasn't such a big deal, then why didn't I know about him before he kissed you?"
"I don't know," she excused defensively. "Look, it never came up, but it's not like you've been home much in the past month. I know your job is hectic and you have that big project, but it's not like you've made much time to talk to me."
"So now it's my fault?" I all but yelled while my hand holding the beer smashed onto the counter-top, sending liquid flying out of the top. "Don't give me that bullshit, Lauren. If you were that lonely, that in dire need of attention, you should have said something, because you can't act like you haven't in the past. I know I get wrapped up in work sometimes and I know I can become oblivious, but I've never once turned away from you when you've asked me to."
"Why do I have to ask? Why should I have to ask, Edward?" she yelled.
"God dammit it, Lauren, you are my wife. The woman I stood before my family and God and vowed to love and cherish for the rest of my life, and you fucking ruined it, over what? A Starbucks coffee and a guy to notice you're beautiful?" I shot back.
"I'm beautiful?" she whispered as my eyes went wide. I had been so focused on my anger that her shift in emotion hit me straight in the heart. Certainly I couldn't have been that busy to make my wife feel like she wasn't beautiful?
"Are you kidding me? Of course you are. You've been the most beautiful woman I've known since we were sitting next to each other in chemistry class, Laur. You're the only woman I look at," I replied with a more normal tone. While I kept my breathing even to calm myself down, taking swigs at my beer every few seconds, I realized how much self-doubt began to cloud my thoughts. There was no way I'd take responsibility for her actions, but had I been the source of them? Could I have helped avoid this from happening? In my head, I reasoned that the answer was yes.
When tears fell a few seconds later, my resolve to stay mad cracked. I placed the bottle down and walked over to my wife for the first time in seventy-two hours. My hands went around her shoulders as my lips found her forehead. "Don't you know there is no one else I'd rather be with than you?" I asked quietly, only causing Lauren to cry harder.
The next hour was spent in a calmer fashion. She told me more about the events that led up to the 'Starbucks incident,' as I began calling it, and I realized how much I had let work get in the way as of late.
However, by the time I was four beers in, we were both lying on the living room floor staring at the ceilings as we talked. I had felt a pretty strong buzz, borderline drunk by that time, so my thoughts were understandably a jumbled mess.
"Why did you kiss him back?" I whispered after we stopped laughing from a joke Lauren had just told.
"I don't know," she started. "It was a weird feeling. You're the only guy I've kissed since I was a teenager and I guess I wondered how it would feel. Then I did, and I knew I couldn't hurt you like that."
Her words stung, but I didn't get angry. Instead, my thoughts went in another direction.
"I'm also the only person you've ever had sex with, too," I pointed out as she sighed.
"Yeah, you are," she affirmed.
"Do you think about that with another man, too?" I questioned. While the drunken haze was heavy over my head, I actually wanted a real answer. When she didn't speak for a minute or two, or however long, I asked again, this time a little more forceful.
"Yes," I heard her whisper after the second time. I groaned and brought my arm up over my head. "Have you wondered? I mean, I'm the only woman you've been with, right?"
"Yes, you are, and no, I haven't," I snapped and I heard her squeak. "I just don't know what to say to that. I mean, do you want to cheat on me? Are you looking to just waiting for an opportunity?"
"Edward, I'd never do that behind your back," she shot back almost flippant.
"But what? You'd ask my permission?" I leaned up on my side and stared at her face.
"No. I mean, yes. I mean, I don't know. Edward," she huffed as she sat up and twisted her body toward me. "We've been together since we were kids, basically, and then we were thrust into the responsible world. I know we want kids soon, and yeah, I've thought about what we missed along the way."
"Oh, you mean the drunken frat parties and date rapes? A handful of one-time dates, and maybe a few one-night-stands, parties and clubs? I mean, has the life I've given you been that bad?" I asked in horror as I realized what she was truly saying.
"No, I love our life, but you asked if I had ever thought about it and yes, I have," she replied as she pushed herself off the ground and looked down at me.
"You know what," I started angrily. "Go off and have you flings. Who am I to stop you? Though what the hell do you expect me to do, sit in the corner and wait for my wife to want to have sex with me again? Lauren, I know I've had a lot to drink tonight, but you're not making any sense to me right now."
"You could," she answered like it was the most obvious answer in the world. "You may not have thought about it, but you've had to be curious about some things. If you're giving me permission, then I'm giving you permission. We'd have to set up rules, but open marriages aren't that uncommon anymore."
"So we're open now?" I deadpanned.
"Yeah, I think we are. Just temporarily. I'll do my thing, you do yours, and then we'll go back to live as it was, more wise than we were before," she explained with way too much enthusiasm as I just stood there, blinking.
What the fuck had I just agreed to?
*~*~*NOW*~*~*
"That's pretty much it," I explained as I sat up, numbness washing over my body. I wasn't angry anymore; at least, not over that initial day. Instead, my feelings were reserved elsewhere, but now I just wondered how I could have been so stupid.
"Do you believe Lauren to be a manipulative person?" Dr. Garrett questioned with an odd look on her face.
"Yes," I replied simply. "While I wouldn't have given the same answer a few years ago, I'd say she is now. She always has been, I just didn't see her clearly enough. Why?" Agitation present in my voice.
"Edward, do you believe Lauren put you in this position on purpose? Set you up, if you will?" She dug around some more with her questions as my head immediately fell to the side.
"It isn't out of the realm of possibilities," I drew out, a little curious to where she was going, but was abruptly cut off as she stood.
"I'll see you back on Tuesday," Dr. Garrett announced with a small smile on her face. "I know you're confused, but your homework for the weekend is to think about why it happened. You had been together for a decade, married for several years; there were no big changes planned, and then this. Why then, why not before? Do you understand?"
I nodded my head and left after saying a quick thank you. Shannon said goodbye as I walked out and headed straight to my car.
Dr. Garrett gave me a lot to think about, but I had been serious about sleep. My head was starting to throb, my body felt so dead that I knew I'd be able to think clearer after a decent night's rest. Even though I knew my dreams would be plagued with memories of her, I guess I did have something to be thankful for in all of this. Lauren had really taught me that sometimes the grass actually is greener on the other side.
So...*whistles*... how's it going? Hope this helps clear up a few things for some of you, the illustrious her strikes again. Any guess on who she is?
I'm sorry I didn't get a PicTease up, for some reason my anti-virus deemed it a threat, but I figured out how to bypass that now. So, I'll be better about that this week. A huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the US ARMY, so hubby has 4 days off=more writing time. Woo Hoo for Ch 6.
Yeah, that's about all I've got-ya'll are amazing, I'm seeing a lot of old faces and a few new ones, so welcome to the ride. I love hearing feedback and I do read all reviews, I'll have a Chapter 6 teaser up on Facebook by tomorrow night! On twitter I'm SammieLynnsMom and on FB it's SammieLynnsMom Fanfiction.
Have a great week!