There's a husband on the right and a favored son to the left. They're fighting over who Kondo loves more, when the truth is...Kondo really just loves them both so much. What's a man to do? Politics, apparently.

The prompt was pillow fight, which turned into a crack-ish flash fic.

.*An Exercise in Politics*.

"You're here again?!" Hijikata demanded from just outside the doorway, with Kondo peering over his shoulder from behind.

Stretched out over the tatami, Okita squinted up from where he'd been so pleasantly relaxing and his lips curved upward. "Hnn~? Nice to see you too, Hijikata-san."

"Cht." With a toss of his head to the side, Hijikata's long hair was sent sailing out with a swish as he stormed over the threshold. "You can't just show up in Kondo-san's room whenever you want. Get out."

And from the entrance, a softer voice. "N...ne...Toshi."

"Can't I?" Okita asked with a toothy grin. "It's comfortable and quiet here, and Kondo-san said I'm always welcome." His shoulders rolled upward and he closed one eye, the smirk widening. "Besides. It seems you do an awful lot of walking in uninvited yourself, ne, Hijikata-san? You can't say anything."

"S—Souji..." Kondo's protest went once again entirely ignored.

As much as Hijikata was loath to admit it, Okita had a point. These quarters did, indeed, officially belong to Kondo; however, Hijikata spent enough time here to feel as though he had some stake in the ownership as well...if being fucked into oblivion qualified as spending quality time, anyway. Whatever the case, he wouldn't allow Okita to one-up him and so the stakes needed to be raised. Fortunately, Hijikata knew damn well how to do just that in the bat of an eyelash.

"That right?" He huffed. "Well, maybe if Kondo-san liked you enough to make you vice commander, then you'd have the same liberty. But he didn't and you don't. So get the hell out."

Success.

The smirk fell from Okita's face in an instant, and that mischievous gleam in his eye disappeared without so much as a single blink. The muscles in his arms flexed as he slowly, tensely, pushed himself into a sitting position. "Excuse me...Hijikata-san..." His words were spoken slowly, and with purpose. "I believe I misheard you—" There was a dangerous tremble in his voice as his digits curled inward. "—claiming Kondo-san likes you more than me."

In the backdrop of rapidly unfolding war Kondo was speaking again but neither man heard a thing that left his mouth, both much too preoccupied with besting the other than listening to the one voice of reason in the room.

Hijikata's brow quirked as a vein popped out on his forehead. "Misheard?" He glared down through rims of dark lashes. "It appears you're as deaf as you are delusional."

Okita rose to his feet, his gaze locked with Hijikata's and limbs tight with anticipation. His right hand closed into a fist at his side. "And you, you old man." A heinous grin forced its way back across his features. "You're just living in denial."

"Denial," Hijikata reiterated through his teeth. "What, Souji, could I possibly be in denial over?"

A particular shimmer returned to Okita's eyes—the kind of look his enemies saw last before their own closed for good. "That I'm Kondo-san's favorite." His chin dropped in a firm, almost challenging nod. "Because I am Kondo-san's favorite."

"Oh?" Hijikata's thumb brushed over the hilt of his sword as he slowly neared. "Interesting that you actually think that's the case."

"It's not a matter of thinking, Hijikata-san..." Okita mirrored every movement with his own. "...but fact."

They were both so near now that their noses threatened to touch, with Hijikata returning the animosity in Okita's glower at full force. "Your facts, Souji," he stated with mock calmness, "are wrong."

"Ho~? Maybe you should ask him, then. Because he'll tell you, all right, " Souji replied in kind, his eyes widening. "Or is this so-called 'demon' afraid to face the truth?"

"I don't need to ask him because clearly, I am Kondo-san's favorite," Hijikata growled.

"Wrong. I am."

"...Heh. Don't talk in your sleep."

"Maybe you're sleepwalking right now."

"You little shit—!"

Before Hijikata could finish, he was cut off mid-sentence by something soft hitting him aside the head. He whipped around, glaring daggers, only to find Kondo tossing another pillow roll at Okita's.

"Since neither of you are listening to a word I'm saying..." Jaw tight and brow furrowed, Kondo's arms crossed before him. "And since you're so eager to fight, at least use pillows. Less mess for me to clean up later." He shrugged, as if to mock the seriousness of the debate—the nerve! What could be more important than being declared his favorite?

"You know, you could settle this yourself!" Hijikata barked, which instantly had Kondo's stately and above-it-all demeanor disintegrating with the raising of his brows.

"That's right, Kondo-san!" Okita pivoted and stepped forward. "Tell Hijikata-san that you like me more."

Kondo's mouth fell open and he rapidly peered between the two. He'd needed to intervene to stop the situation from needlessly escalating further, and while he was successful in doing that much, it appeared he also managed to redirect the focus of their collective ire—on himself. "W—well," he stammered.

"You can't say it, can you?" Hijikata insisted, approaching methodically as though he were stalking prey. "Because I'm your favorite. ...Right?"

"U—uh…Toshi…That's…"

Okita's hands tightened on his own pillow. "Say it, Kondo-san. Tell it like it is."

"Mm, well, that is…"

Hijikata mirrored the action. "…Yeah, Kat-chan…"

The pressure in the room had skyrocketed, with Kondo inwardly floundering at how best to pacify both of them without further exacerbation. Sweat nearly began to bead on his forehead as he flip flopped to and fro, until it all became insufferable and his eyes snapped shut.

"I can't!"

Those two words echoed off the walls from the force with which they left his mouth, the sudden outburst shattering the tension and leaving both men stopped dead in their tracks.

"Why do you put me in this position?! It's completely unfair!" Kondo's hand cut through the space and he pointed toward Hijikata. "You! You're—! Well, you're…" A blush formed over his cheeks and he immediately switched to Okita. "And you! You may as well be my son."

By now, Hijikata and Okita had gone still, their expressions lessening in severity, and Kondo decided this was sounding good. Damn good, even. Therefore, he raised his head high and straightened his spine with newfound confidence. A strong nod followed. "The both of you mean everything to me. I can't imagine life without either of you."

The strength in his tone didn't last long, as Kondo couldn't prevent his voice from falling as soft as his gaze. "Toshi, my right-hand man…" A warm smile pulled at his lips as his focus shifted. "And Souji, the sword at my hip…" He stepped toward them, reaching out to lay his touch on each man's forearm. "No, I couldn't possibly choose between you."

Neither protested to that statement, and with an exhale of relief through his nose, Kondo's spine relaxed while his grin pulled even further to his cheeks. "So, with all that being said…Toshi..." A squeeze. "Souji..." A pat. "Can't you just accept that I value you both?"

Hijikata and Okita remained silent, before venturing an uneasy glance toward each other. Their eyes met and remained locked for several moments, before turning back.

Kondo glanced eagerly between them, entirely satisfied with himself and ready to hear the declaration of truce that would surely follow. Heh, maybe he was better at this politics thing than he gave himself credit for.

And just as he'd begun to entertain that thought, both Hijikata and Okita shouted, "No!" in unison and walloped Kondo with their respective pillows.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Minutes later, Kondo lay on his back, his arms stretched at his sides as he stared at the ceiling. The only company left in the room was pillows: one to his left and the other balanced on his abdomen; as for the individuals who put him in such a state, well...they'd left in a huff, going in different directions down the porch.

Groaning loudly, Kondo closed his eyes. So. In trying to please both, he'd managed just the opposite. ...For now, that was. His lashes parted again at the thought, and a smile twitched its way over his face. Perhaps he needed a little more practice with politics, after all.

But it wasn't long thereafter when footsteps closed in once more and Hijikata stepped back inside with tea and a curt apology...when Okita then reappeared in the doorway, this time asking for permission to enter and then quietly sitting against the wall.

...Or maybe Kondo wasn't as lacking in skill as he thought. In any case, there was Choshu trash to take out, discussions about the future to be had, and plenty of opportunity to put what he did know to good use.

And who better to have by his side during these turbulent times than the two men he loved most? Kondo looked to Hijikata, his right-hand man and lover, and then to Okita: the sword at his hip, his son.

He finally pushed himself up, sitting beside Hijikata, and motioned at Okita to scoot over for tea. The three of them sipped in companionable silence from there…until Sannan showed up to ignite the next argument, anyway. But such was life.

Kondo closed his eyes and smiled, drinking his tea and letting Hijikata and Sannan go at it for a bit before intervening.

I wrote this months ago on whim and forgot about it...until I found it today and edited it. lmao Thanks for reading.