A/N: I have procrastination issues. And issues with indecision, I re-wrote this chapter like three times before I was okay with it. I'm still not okay with it actually. *sighs* I'm probably being a bit over-dramatic. Anyways, I hope you like enjoy it very much! Enormous shout-out to all of my reviewers and those who favourited/followed the story - your support makes me feel all tingly inside.

Love, K.M.

Who's On Top?

With the unparalleled speed and determination of ninjas defending their ninja way, the jounins and chuunins took off in random directions, leaving Naruto and Sasuke standing completely dumbstruck in the center of the mission hall.

Sasuke moaned low in his throat and pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering when his life had switched from being a deeply-disturbing, existentialist tragedy, to an equally-disturbing, senseless romantic comedy.

It took Naruto a few more seconds to finally recover from his shock and remove his jaw from the floor; however, unlike his Uchiha counterpart, he was never one for brooding over deep thoughts within himself. He shook his head rapidly to clear it a bit and said, "We aren't even in a relationship so why is anyone even thinking about this weird stuff. Everyone in this village is crazy! Like, we got the whole left wing to rebuild and the Water Country's in shambles but our top priority is figuring out whose bits go in whose butt. Who knew people could be so serious about that kinda stuff?"

"Oh, shut up!" hissed Sasuke, embarrassment tightening his voice, as he turned to face away from his friend.

Naruto was just about to make a retort when he noticed that Sasuke had shoved his hands down his trouser pockets and was pretending to be distracted by some pebble on the floor to avoid meeting Naruto's eyes. And Naruto was no Uchiha or Hyuuga or whatever, but he was pretty sure he could see the brunet blushing lightly.

As if on cue, Naruto could feel face heating up too. Had he really just said, 'Whose bits go in whose butt'?

There were a few moments of heavy silence as both parties said nothing.

At the forty-five second mark, however, Naruto cleared his throat so awkwardly that Sasuke had to look up from his feet just to glare at him. The blond gave an innocent close-eyed, teeth-baring grin.

"Are you still taking me out for ramen?" he asked.

Sasuke rolled his eyes at his friend's single-mindedness, but nodded nonetheless.

"Fine," he said, opening the door for his companion, "So long as we stop for real food afterwards."

"Ramen!" cried Naruto, sidling up to Sasuke's side and wrapping himself quite intimately around his left arm, "Let's go!"

Sasuke was starting to see why people might speculate about the two of them, but he was never one to care for appearances. Plus, he had gotten used to the dobe's physicality over the years; it was even maybe a little comforting. They walked out of the building, and Sasuke half-listened, half-tuned-out his companion's ramblings.

"But in all honesty though," Naruto said in a suddenly serious voice as they turned onto the main road, "We should hit the library or something to look up what 'uke' and 'seme' mean."

"Hn. Not a half-bad idea."

On the other side of town, inside the therapy ward of the Konoha General Hospital, Sakura, Ino and Hinata found themselves in a rather... 'heated' discussion.

Well, rather a giggling Ino was laying lavender in each of the room's vases to encourage the sleeping patients to remain sleeping, while Hinata and Sakura whisper-screamed at each other from across the room (simultaneously monitoring the recovering patients' chakra flows).

"Hinata, I know you like how sensitive Naruto is, and I think he's sweet too, but there is just no way that Sasuke would let some weeping, tender guy be his seme! He would definitely take charge. Sasuke would do him hard and sensuous to satisfy Naruto's emotional sides and insecurities. He'd take him from the back too, making Naruto bite his pillow hard as he held him down and just possessed him completely, nails digging into his hips. Ohh. Naruto's always felt so lonely, he'd love for Sasuke to bite and mark up his neck, mark him as his... And the things Sasuke would whisper into Naruto's ear - he's got such a gorgeous voice and such a vulgar tongue when he wants to - Just dirty talk and rough, deep sex, he could bring him off without a single touch to his cock. God, yes. That's obviously how it would go down!"

"But Sakura, you've forgotten how confident Naruto's become and how Sasuke has still not fully come to terms with himself yet. You can see it in his disconnected eyes, and how he still sighs about missing Itachi! He needs someone to praise and love him; and since he's so proud and stoic in his public life, he would totally submit to Naruto in his personal life. Let him take control and give him what he really wants but would never admit. Naruto would just worship his body and tell him he's perfect too. And can you just imagine the foreplay? Mmm, Naruto would prep him so gently with his fingers and his tongue, making sure that's he's not hurt, running his tan hands all over Sasuke's pale, eager body to make him squirm and want. Sasuke would have such a beautiful flush, and he'd just beg for it by the end. Oh, please!"

Ino was almost panting by the time she finally finished placing the flowers in their vases. She just barely managed to reign herself in and covered her blush with her long bangs.

'Who knew these kunoichi had such imaginations?' The blonde thought, grinning wide, 'And they weren't even full-fledged fangirls yet!'

She began laughing more loudly, unable to control herself. Sakura and Hinata argued some more until the volume of Ino's laughs drew their full attention. Although they were beyond aroused and completely distracted, they managed to shoot the blonde puzzled looks as she hiccuped and stuttered.

"Oh ladies," she managed finally, "There's no need to fight when we have Kage Bunshins, and roleplay!"

The puzzled expressions persisted, so Ino elaborated.

By the end of her explanation, Hinata looked mildly scandalized by the thought of using ninjutsu for sexual pleasure, but both she and Sakura followed Ino as she led them to her secret stash of yaoi hidden under the false bottom of her underwear drawer.

That night, Sakura and Hinata were both inducted into the Konoha Yaoi Association (raising the total number of members to a resounding three) and were thinking thoughts that they had never thought before.

Nevertheless, no matter how much Ino tried to make the girls see the beauty of switching, topping-from-the-bottom, and clone threesomes, each lady held her respective belief about which boy would top.

"Sasuke's jaw is too slender and his hair is too stylized. Also his skin is just begging to be ravished," mused Hinata, the greater part of her mind occupied in a yaoi fantasy, "NaruSasu is the only conclusion."

"Naruto's eyes are too emotive and his lashes are too thick. He's too short and he pouts too much," replied Sakura, more out of obligation than anything at this point as she was concentrating too hard on a high school boy's love manga she was reading, "SasuNaru makes the most sense."

"Newbs," said Ino, with a roll of her eyes.

Several bowls of ramen, two grocery bags full of rice, vegetables and assorted healthy stuff later, Sasuke and Naruto found themselves standing in front of the Konoha Library. With a bone-deep sigh, Sasuke led the two of them towards the back of the first floor where the librarians stood behind their check-out desks.

Moving to stand directly in front of a young female librarian, Naruto got straight down to business, "Hi! I'm Naruto Uzumaki! Can I get a book, hopefully one that's less than 100 pages, if you don't mind, on 'uke' -OOMPH"

"Ukraine! He's talking about Ukraine! Oh Naruto, that's not the proper abbreviation for Ukraine anyhow!... hehehe...What he actually means is, would you mind pointing us in the right direction for contemporary fiction novels... from Ukraine...?"

Mentally strangling himself for coming up with the worst explanation in the whole world, Sasuke aimed his most attractive grin at the young librarian and hoped she wouldn't ask them anything.

However, luck was not in Sasuke's favour.

The librarian smirked right back and said, "You're super hot and all, but I'm a lesbian, baby. Not really interested... And not likely to judge, anyway. Still, since I'm obligated to answer your questions, I'll say that you can find 'Ukranian contemporary fiction novels' on floor 5, by the water coolers, specifically Aisle 521. Although, you might be more interested in the fictional and non-fictional books about homosexual culture in Aisle 356 on the third floor. My recommendation for you would be 'An Analysis of Gay Culture: The Basics' but blue eyes might enjoy an autobiography like, 'The Secret ANBU Chronicles.'

"Okay, " Naruto nodded, dragging a very shame-faced Uchiha up the stairs to the third floor. He only caught on to the other's embarrassment when the librarian called, "Unfortunately, babes, there's no aisle here for LUBE!"

A/N: Yaoi-fangirl!Ino is like, my most favorite thing ever, I feature her in a lot of my fics!

Also, just fyi, I like to try include (and not bash on) many of our lovely ladies even though I write a lot of SasukeXNaruto and other boyXboy pairings. So, yeah, you'll certainly see them around in a mostly positive light.

Lol, I hope this chapter brought a smile to your face! Please leave a review with your thoughts/comments/questions. Or you can drop a favourite/follow if you liked it but didn't REALLY like, or don't know what to say, hate Naruto AND Sasuke and got lost on this website but found this piece funny or are a bit lazy (I feel you).

Love, K.M.

UPDATE: This chapter has been edited!