Chapter 3. A path to choice
What should you believe in when your world is falling apart at the snap of the finger? All the authorities fall like the domino pieces at once, destroying everything on their way. So, what should someone do in such a situation? Where should he or she look for a shelter? Some get depressed because they can't bow to the reality and be reconciled to the way fate decreed. They desperately play out this fatal moment, over and over again, thinking of the ways they could have acted differently. And this happens until a person realizes that what's gone is gone. The only thing they can do is to accept it. Those who are stronger, try to solve any issues they encounter in life. And even if they face an irresolvable problem, they don't lose heart, but move on, no matter what.
However, Shinji was different. His refused to remember anything from that goddamned day. That's why he hasn't been lost in the whirlpool of adversities. However, he also wasn't strong enough to face the problems and make even slightest efforts to get it right. He believed that the right thing to do was to run away from everything. As far as possible. Shinji hoped that this way all those problems couldn't catch up with him.
That's why he was running for all he was worth along the twisted roads of the rolling wood meadow. The same meadow that was near his house. On the hairpin turns, he would tap into the rails that prevented him from falling off the hillside. Though, no matter how much he hated that day, he wouldn't even think of a suicide. He wanted to live; more than anything. He wanted to feel alive and not just to exist.
When Shinji couldn't run anymore, he leaned against the rails, trying to catch his breath. His lungs were burning and his legs were begging for a little rest. His head was empty: there was no single thought. Shinji was gasping for air, feeling somehow dry, and his stomach was aching for food. He suddenly realized that he had run for no less than two miles.
Shinji looked around to see where he was.
The sun had set and the darkness deepened, enveloping the wood meadow. To the right, on top of a hill, there was the Higashiyama tower, illuminated by projectors. It could barely be seen behind the tree crowns. And to the left, a monorail could be seen. That meant that Shinji was near to the amusement park, which was on the south-west of the wood meadow. But, more likely than not, it was closed, so he couldn't go there to eat hot dogs or takoyaki. However, if he went along the park, he would reach the subway station. And there he will probably find a café or some diner.
Having rested for some time, Shinji headed towards the station. He wasn't able to think clearly out of exhaustion. Only basic animal instincts took over his mind. He wanted to eat and to rest for a while. It was all he needed at that moment. Shinji was trying hard not to remember anything.
With his last strength, he barely limped to the square that was next to the subway station. People, hurrying home from work, seemed to freak out when they saw him. Like he was some kind of a zombie. But he didn't care. Shinji stopped in the square next to a giant monument of the citizens who died and went missing during the Impact. He didn't understand why someone needed to create such a frightening statue of the unfortunate family. But that was before. Their faces, contorted in agony, looked terrifying. And that's what pain and despair look like. One could understand the idea of the author only if he or she had experienced it firsthand.
Shinji looked around and noticed the McDonald's. Frankly speaking, he didn't like fast food at all, but now he had no choice…
Having made an impressive order, a hungry customer flopped at a free table. Without restraining himself, he started devouring semi-finished burgers. The bun that was too sweet was mixed with a patty too fat, almost covering the taste of plastic. Shinji was also greedily swallowing up Cola that was probably diluted with water. Cold and hot in his stomach formed a pleasantly seething cocktail. When he took the second burger, it suddenly rushed into him. In a moment, he felt all the pain, from which Shinji was desperately trying to run away. Memories seized him with their tenacious tentacles and plunged him into the abyss of shame, despair, and anger. Somewhere deep in his mind, there was a smoldering feeling that started inflaming more and more. It was loneliness.
He ran away, betrayed and lonely.
Unable to restrain himself, he started crying. A few tears ran down his burning cheeks but didn't make him stop eating. The hunger was too sharp. All the feelings and memories flooded back, not letting the young man go even for a second.
"Are you all right?" the manager with a slightly concerned face ran up to him. From her look, it could be seen that she wasn't really honest. Maybe she was thinking: "oh God, what again?" You don't even need a lie detector to see the hypocrisy she was trying to hide.
Aside from that, she was an ordinary and unremarkable girl. Shinji knew that it was part of her work, but he could still feel a relief. Someone cared about him, even if it's a stranger. At least he wanted to believe in it. The girl was sputtering something, probably offering help. When she said the word "the police", his heart began beating fast. Having made an effort, he calmed down a bit.
"Are you sure you don't need help?" the manager wasn't going to leave. "Maybe we should call the police?"
Shinji started at the sound of the last word. He could have done without that. If the truth revealed, he would go to a station house. So he had to calm down.
"I'm fine," there was a treacherous tremor in his voice. "I just had a little fight with my friend. A girl friend."
"A little fight," as for the person who hated lies, it was an understatement.
"Oh, I see!" the manager seemed to perk up and got ready to give pieces of advice concerning love.
"I just need to be alone now," Shinji dished out. "I'll calm down soon. Thanks."
His words were hardly believable, but so it goes. She could call the cops, just in case.
"Okay, I'll be there if you need me," having looked at her customer in disbelief, the manager left, leaving him alone with his thoughts. And there were dozens of them. They were dragging him into the bottomless well of the unknown.
Shinji didn't know what to do. He was sure of only one thing: he wasn't going back home. To the house that wasn't his. He was worried about Mana but still had no desire to talk to her or to Otoya. Something wanted him to run again, run even further, but he had no idea where to. He had no friends in town, who could give a home to him. There were no relatives he could go to either. His maternal grandmother has been ill since the death of her husband. And she could barely make ends meet, so it wasn't a great idea to go to Sapporo to see her. And that was it. No more maternal relatives. What about paternal relatives, there was only uncle Hiro. But Shinji didn't want to see either Otoya or Rokubungi family in general.
He knew that he should figure it out before the police start looking for him. And hence, he couldn't stay in Nagoya anymore.
Poor Mana…
Shinji covered his head with his hands, and his eyes swelled with tears again, no matter how hard he tried to hold it back.
In despair, he tried to seize the last chance. He involuntarily closed his eyes, wiping tears, and whispered:
"Mom, what should I do?"
In response, he felt a blissful sense of warmth spreading through his body. That warmth that he hasn't experienced for many years since his dearest person passed away. Shinji suddenly felt that something was watching him. Something? Or someone? From the depths of his consciousness, some image emerged. The image of two red lights. It seemed like that person was sitting in front of Shinji and watching his every move.
He looked up at once but didn't notice anybody. He was sitting at the table alone.
Alone...but is he... lonely?
Some unknown force made him come to senses and begin to think soberly. There's one more option. Shinji didn't want to use it, but he seemed to have no choice.
He took out the same envelope from his bag and pushed the tray with food to the edge of the table. Shinji peered at the father's letter hoping to find something new there. But, alas, there were the same four words:
"Come here. Ikari Gendo."
He took out something looking like a pass card. There was the emblem of the special organization, which Shinji has heard about. The emblem itself was red, and there was a half of a fig leaf, that was covering the name.
"NERV," the young man read out. Below, the English slogan was written in a semicircle:
"God's in His heaven. All's right with the World."
But due to the poor knowledge of the English language, he couldn't understand the meaning.
"Some kind of a metaphor," he muttered silently.
Having lain the card aside, Shinji took a picture. To say that he was surprised would be an understatement. He could have expected to see anyone but not a beautiful girl with long blue-black hair of no more than twenty-five years. Thanks to the pose which the girl, dressed in short briefs and a yellow wife-beater, had chosen he could feast his eyes on her breasts. It was clear enough that she did it on purpose. A neatly drawn arrow pointing to the bust and the caption "Check it out!" only confirmed Shinji's guess. He unintentionally remembered Kirishima but chased these thoughts away at once because he didn't want to have a lumpy throat again.
When Shinji forced himself to stop staring at the girl, he noticed the phone number and the signature: Katsuragi Misato. Having dug into the envelope, he found some papers and a map with general information. He should come to Mishima that's in Shizuoka Prefecture, and he would be exported to Tokyo-3 (previously called as Hakone) from there. There was the NERV headquarters in Japan.
Shinji smirked unkindly. He's already decided where he will go. His gut was telling him that it was the right way. That it's still his way, even though he got lost for a while. All he needed to do was to call them and tell about his decision. Shinji wondered why his father needs him three years later. That's how long it's been since they saw each other at his mother's grave. Apparently, he worked for the NERV agency, and this girl in the photo was his secretary.
"Then he's probably a big shot there."
However, Shinji had no idea what his father was up to or what he did for a living.
A little hope smoldering in the depths of his mind was desperately trying to break loose.
He decided to call there but found out that he had lost his phone. It probably happened during the fight with Otoya. Or when he was running away. There was no point in guessing.
Shinji packed his bag and headed to the subway. He didn't want to wait in vain, so he decided to go right to the terminal station. There he'll probably find phone booths. From the nearest subway station to Nagoya terminal station, there were only six stops. The drive will take about twenty minutes.
Shinji slowly started picking himself back up. The stomach filled with food and the clear purpose were giving him confidence. He wanted to forget about the nightmare he'd left behind. The nightmare he wanted to run away from. Forever. And Tokyo-3 was the right place for it since it was almost a hundred and twenty miles away.
Having arrived at the station, Shinji decided to buy a ticket first and then call. So that there was no coming back. The next train would come at 6:20 am and it's at least two hours away. Besides, he will have to stop over at Shizuoka town. "Great," Shinji said, curling his lip. What can possibly brighten his mood if not a little journey with an unclear end?
He had to wait almost eight hours. Without losing any time, Shinji came up to the nearest phone booth and called the number written on the photo. He was surprised to hear an engaged tone. The young man got nervous but persevered in his attempts. Anyway, all the ships had been burnt. Twenty minutes later, he got lucky: a girl with a sleepy and tired voice answered. She was clearly not open for a dialogue.
"Major Katsuragi's speaking."
Major?
"I'm... I'm sorry," Shinji almost fell to the ground. His voice shimmered when he realized that he would have to talk with the officer and not the secretary. And she's probably a woman, not a girl. "My name is Ikari Shinji. I received a letter…"
But before he could finish the sentence, he could hear the girl perking up noticeably.
"Ikari Shinji-kun? Fancy hearing you now! How long has it been since the letter was sent to you? A month? Or two?"
"A month," the caller stattered.
"The month! And this whole time you've been thinking whether you should call or not? Okay, okay, I'm not pushing. I'm listening carefully."
He could feel her positive energy. Shinji relaxed a bit.
"Well, I've decided to come."
"Wow! And when, Ikari-kun?"
"Tomorrow. I think I'll be at Mishima station by eight or nine in the morning."
"Tomorrow?! Wow, you are slow to harness but quick to ride."
"I'm sorry, what, Katsuragi-san?"
"Forget it, I learned it when I was in China. Anyway, you want to come tomorrow morning? Maybe a little later? At least in the afternoon. Because it's somehow against all expectations."
"Sorry. I've bought a ticket already."
After a short pause, the Major perked up.
"Okay, so you're coming at nine o'clock at the furthest, right?"
"I think so. I'm coming from Nagoya, and have to stop over somewhere."
"I can send someone to pick you up. Tokyo-3 is a forbidden city. No one would let you come here without a permit. Give me your phone number."
"Well," Shinji said uncertainly. "I'm sorry Katsuragi-san, but I lost my phone today."
He could hear a slap.
"I won't even ask you how," his interlocutor continued. "It's not going to be easy with you, is it?"
"I'm... sorry," Shinji bowed to the booth with his brain on autopilot.
"Okay, when you arrive in Mishima, call the same number. If the line is busy, call another number. Do you have anything you can write on?"
"Yes, I do."
She dictated him the number.
"You sound tired," the woman stated. "Are you all right?"
"Well...yeah."
"I doubt that. Did something happen? Although, given the fact that you suddenly decided to come and already got tickets, something clearly had happened."
"Well…that's," he stumbled. "I'm sorry, but it's all good."
The Major went silent as if she was thinking about something. Then Shinji heard voices and orders. After a while, she said:
"Let's do it this way. I'll pick you up myself. But I'll be there in ten only. And if you want, you'll tell me what happened. If not, well, it's your business, Ikari-kun. Agreed?"
"Agreed, Katsuragi-san." Shinji didn't even notice as he'd cheered up and a shy smile had appeared on his face.
After a pleasant conversation with Major Katsuragi, he had to wait less than seven and a half hours for a train. Shinji silently apologized to the woman for thinking she was just a secretary. And she was the Major! And she mentioned that she was in China, the place where the raged civil war has been looming large for the last fifteen years. Is it possible that such a nice woman was there with a mission? Yeah, first appearances can be deceptive.
Shinji decided to pass the time strolling in the center of Nagoya, where the station was located. The air became noticeably fresher, and the temperature dropped below thirty degrees. In the meantime, the city looked ready for a night life. On skyscrapers, here and there, billboards started appearing; buildings bristled with the bright light of windows. City lighting in the form of lanterns and illumination joined this dance of lights. The city lit up like a Christmas tree. There was a feeling that Nagoya wanted to arrange Shinji a dazzling farewell ceremony. "Let it be," he thought. The young man hoped that he won't see this city again. At least, in the nearest future. On the one hand, this city has become a hometown for him but, on the other hand, it was also a source of an unbearable pain. He even wanted to call Otoya and say goodbye. But he remembered that, most likely, he was in the hospital with Mana now, so he wouldn't pick up the phone. And if he does, what will Shinji say? It doesn't work that way.
No, he has to forget about all of it and never come back. He has a new life ahead of him. He was sure of it. He only needed to find a place to stay overnight. And that was a problem. He couldn't rent a room since he was under-age. He had no one. There were not so many options: he could go to the cinema or stay at the station. If he stays at a station, the police will probably come and ask questions.
There was nothing left but to get a ticket in the cinema, located in the building of the station.
The first film appeared to be interesting. Another Hollywood blockbuster on the subject of the Impact. The plot was quite simple, but the action didn't let him fall asleep. According to the filmmakers, the story, based on real events, told about seven astronauts on the Shuttle "Atlantis". They were the first to observe the meteorite falling to Antarctica during the cargo delivery to the ISS. The second film started at three in the morning. That's when Shinji fall asleep, being more than just exhausted.
The nightmare caught him by surprise, enveloping him with its dark manacles. It was devouring and enveloping him, not giving a second to relax. Making him do its bidding. Shinji was running away from an abandoned house, burning up without looking back through the deserted streets. But every time he was going back to the place where naked and lifeless Mana was lying. She was pale and curved, with her dead eyes staring somewhere into the void. Her head unnaturally thrown back, like she was some kind of a doll someone had unleashed the fury of the wrath on. Every time Shinji was glancing at her once beautiful and charming body. The thick blood was fluxing from her nether region, filling the whole place. At some moment, Mana came to life and started shouting deadly with a deep-chested voice. In the same flash of time, Otoya grabbed Shinji, with his eyes mad. He was screaming at him, asking to get out of their lives and never come back.
And Shinji was running again without looking back; over the hills and far away. But no matter how hard he tried to escape, no matter how hard he tried to forget himself, he was going back to the same place. Again and again, and again. Running away again and coming back to the very same spot. Again. As if the subconscious was mocking him and making him experience the same pain over and over. It seemed that it had no end. The young man started crying, begging for someone to come and help him. And in response to his plea, two bright red lights lit up in the dark, beckoning his lost soul. Shinji was feeling that there, in the dark, some stranger was standing. Someone he once knew, but who was, at the same time, too far from him. And he reached to this stranger. But was it a stranger? Shinji was sure that he knew him, as he recognized those two red lights. He always knew it but brushed them off a long time ago. So long ago that he couldn't even imagine. If he touches them now, the painfully familiar name and the image will appear. Shinji reached out to red lights with his hand shaking. Only one touch... and everything in front of him will flash, blinding him.
At half-past five in the morning, he got woken up by the cinema janitor. Shinji shuddered at the surprise. His head was splitting and there were traces of dried tears but it was time to go. And with a sore head, the young man dragged himself along to the bathroom to freshen up. Fortunately, everything he needed for personal hygiene was sold at the station. Shinji didn't have any sense, except that he needed to have breakfast. Having washed his face, he popped over one of the cafes near a station.
His head was empty, without a single thought. He was too exhausted to think or feel anything. Sleepy Shinji was just following the algorithm he had previously made up. It felt like he was an Android, mindlessly performing tasks. In short, he was devastated.
Shinji perked up a little when he heard an announcement about his train arriving. Without any doubt, he took his place, put on his headphones and turned on the player. Because of the breathless expectation, he didn't want to sleep anymore. He was afraid that the police would break into the train and drag him home. And that all this adventure will remain just an adventure. And he'll have to come back to the yesterday's nightmare. He had a feeling that all this madness had happened an eternity ago, not just ten hours.
Shinji was on tenterhooks, waiting for the take-off. He even took off his headphones to monitor the situation.
But nothing happened.
At 6:20 in the morning, the train slowly moved off. Shinji was leaving Nagoya, being alone for the first time in his life. For some time, he couldn't even believe he did it. But the increasing rattle of train wheels only confirmed the accomplished fact. And a picturesque dawn was a sign of a new life starting. Shinji left this whole bunch of problems, pain, and grief behind.
However, something started putting pressure on him. As if his conscience awoke and begged him to stop, to come to his senses. But the fugitive did not want to be sold on a momentary hesitation. He fenced himself off the whole world with the help of his headphones and music coming out of them. And at the same time, looking at receding Nagoya.
A small screen of the cassette player highlighted the name of the next song: "You are the only one". And Shinji thought that it was true. He was left alone in this cruel and merciless world. And the only thing that mattered was whether he'd made the right choice or not.