I am so sorry you guys had to wait so long for this chapter to come out! My computer was being so bloody evil! I couldn't get on it for two months! Not only that, but I haven't gotten Internet for a few weeks. I'll be gone for two weeks from the 21st (of June) and I won't be able to update then, either. I will work extra hard while I'm gone though, I promise! I really am so sorry! I know summer is when I thought I would be able to update more often, but I've been really busy. Legolas is very OOC in this chapter. (Well that was kind of out of the blue)
I'd like to recommend a story: The Power of Friendship by Steel Sword and Silver Bow, because it is really awesome, so if you would please go read it!!
Oh! In place of asterisks I have to use :: instead, because of ff.net's new quick edit thingy. The rest of the Authors Notes will be at the bottom explaining a bit further the delay and review replies. As usual, elvish translations shall be at the bottom.
Disclaimer: If I owned it, do you seriously think I'd be writing on fanfiction? Oh, and the underlining on the title I saw on another story, so that creativeness is not mine either.
Legolas stared in horror at the dark abyss before him where Gandalf had just fallen. Gandalf's desperate last words rang in his ears. 'Fly, you fools!' Memories assaulted him of words not so desperate... 'If Gandalf would go before us with a bright flame, he might melt a path for you.' He had been lighthearted then, for the storm had troubled him little. He should have expected Gandalf's retort, which had long been a joke between them; for when Legolas was young, he had jumped off the balcony, hoping to fly: 'If Elves could fly over mountains, they might fetch the Sun to save us.' How long ago that seemed to him now. Alas, if only he could fly! Maybe then he would be able to fly after Gandalf and save him. He stepped away, still staring at the spot where Mithrandir had just fallen. He stared down into the darkness as he whispered, "Nai hiruvalye Valinor."
Aragorn lingered also, staring at the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. Legolas felt Boromir tugging at his arm, but for the moment he would not allow himself to move. He would not leave Mithrandir; could not. What if Gandalf was still alive? Finally the human gave up and yelled "Aragorn!" Aragorn slowly turned around and started running, arrows just missing him. He dragged Legolas out by his arm as he passed him.
As soon as they got out of the dark mines, Legolas noticed all the Halflings but one, on the ground weeping. Frodo was just walking away, tears silently falling down his face. Aragorn did not notice the little Hobbit leaving, and Legolas went through no great trouble of telling him. Legolas just stared around the mountain, not really taking anything that was happening in. Not really bothering to take anything in.
How could Mithrandir, who had been his friend for almost three millennia, be gone? Legolas could not understand why Arda would be so cruel. This could not be happening! He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, but he would not let them fall. He would not be so weak as to cry! He just stood there, trying to understand how Gandalf could be gone. He had known death before. You could not live in Mirkwood without knowing death. Yet this death was unlike any other Legolas had known. He just hadn't thought it possible for Gandalf to die. He had held this crazy notion that the wizard was infallible. Then again, he thought, the Fellowship also seemed to have had the notion that I, too, was invincible... Then he smiled humorlessly. And it seems I am...
He was finally out of the darkness in the mines, so shouldn't he be happy? But instead of being happy, he felt as though his heart had just been broken in two. As a matter of fact, maybe he could jump after him and save the Istar. Immediately after thinking these thoughts, he banished them and chastised himself for even thinking them in the first place. What would his father or Elrond say?
He vaguely heard Aragorn say, "Legolas!" though it seemed distant, as though Aragorn was many leagues away from where he was standing. Finally he turned his attention towards him to hear the rest of the sentence. "Get them up." He stared at Aragorn for a few more seconds, betrayal and confusion showing in his silver eyes. Eyes that use to be so bright were now dull and lifeless. Aragorn failed to notice, for he had turned back to the others. The light around the elf was fading also. Finally he obeyed, after Aragorn said his name once more. He pulled up Pippin and Merry and then stood there beside them, trying to be brave for the sake of the Hobbits, who looked as though they desperately needed someone.
The normally curious and joyful Hobbit, Pippin, now just lay there with no hint of happiness. Merry stood beside him, clutching at his shoulder. Both had tear-stained faces. Legolas tried to smile for them, because they were looking up at him oddly, but to no avail. The smile got caught somewhere in between, and it was all he could do just to stand there beside the hobbits without losing all equilibrium. He wished he could just lay down where he was to die. He knew Gandalf would have chided him for his thoughts, but Gandalf wasn't here to do that, was he?
He knew the Hobbits needed an anchor, and to see an elf cry would seem horribly wrong to them. Few people in all the ages of Middle-earth had ever seen an elf cry; it was, quite frankly, very disturbing. The only ones who had ever seen Legolas cry were his father and Lord Elrond. To cry showed weakness; at least to Legolas it did. He saw no reason why an elven warrior prince should be crying over a death; death happened in war, it was a given. He felt ashamed of himself for even feeling the need to weep, but he could not help it.
Aragorn now led the group, and Legolas just ran beside him, not really paying heed to anything that was happening. He felt a distinct, sharp pain and dimly realized that his wound had not healed, but he did not care. He felt as though he was caught in a nightmare that just would not end. All he could think of was Mithrandir... and how he had been pulled from the bridge into the abyss... as he lingered watching Legolas.
::Little Greenleaf, what have you done?::
He also found that he had awoken some voices that he had never known existed.
::Ah, so you acknowledge us now, little Greenleaf.::
He shook his head, trying to rid his mind of the voices. Aragorn noticed immediately and scrutinized him for a moment before simply turning and continuing towards Lothlórien, the only place where they could truly find safe haven in all of Middle-earth. Finally, the Golden Wood drew near as it became apparent to all in the Fellowship, not only to the elven eyesight of Legolas. Legolas turned, feeling as though the company seemed fewer than usual, and not only because of the death of Mithrandir. He saw Frodo and Sam lagging behind and he turned back to Aragorn, who seemed not to notice that anything was amiss. "Estel," he said in little more than a whisper, not trusting himself to speak, "the Perian are falling behind."
Aragorn seemed to shake himself out of a trance as he focused on Legolas. He gave him a short nod and turned, asking Boromir to help carry Sam and Frodo. If Legolas wondered why Aragorn had not simply just asked him, he gave no indication of it. He just turned and continued forward as though nothing unusual had just happened.
::Why would he ask you, little Greenleaf? You are weak and utterly useless to him and all others in the Fellowship.::
Finally they arrived in the Woods of LothLorien, though they did not ease his pain, as trees normally did. So lost was he in thought, that he barely heard a noise until it was before him. He notched his arrow and pointed it, just as the same was done to him. Legolas almost sighed in relief; elves were here.
Legolas heard a familiar voice say: "The Dwarf breathed so loud, we could have shot him in the dark." Were his grief not so great at the moment, Legolas might have laughed at the comment the Elf had made. It was Haldir, his old time friend and brother-at-arms.
Haldir now led the company to a clearing beside a stream. He spoke to Legolas in the Elven tongue, as though he knew Legolas needed to hear it. "Legovanin, Legolas Thranduilion." Legolas replied, "Govadnas sin guinineth, Haldir o Lorien." He gave Legolas an odd look that clearly said: 'We will talk later.' Now Haldir moved on to talk with the other members of the Fellowship, but Legolas paid no attention. He stood beside Aragorn and Haldir as they argued about letting the Fellowship move further. He looked over to Frodo, feeling sympathy for the Hobbit. Finally, Haldir acquiesced with the decision and they moved on through the woods.
They arrived at Caras Galadhon and Legolas gazed at the beauty of the place. He had seldom visited Lothlorien and every time he saw the Woods, his breath was taken away. He almost forgot his sorrow, for the brief time he looked upon the fairness it. Elvendom on earth. They started to move again, and began the ascent of the long stairs upwards to meet the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel.
Finally they arrived after many halts; for the Hobbits were not used to such a climb. They all moved forward to meet Galadriel, Lady of Light, and Celeborn, Lord of the Wood. Legolas breathed heavily. Normally the stair would have been no trouble for him, but his wound was paining him greatly. Aragorn moved forward to stand beside Legolas. A light shone at the top of a short stair and moved downwards towards the Fellowship.
Gradually the light ebbed away and there stood the Lord and the Lady of the Wood. Lord Celeborn began speaking, "The enemy knows you have entered here, what hope you had in secrecy is now gone." Then he looked around the group. "Eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell, Tell me where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him. I can no longer see him from afar." He looked to Galadriel who was looking at Aragorn with her unnerving gaze.
Then Galadriel said softly, "Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land. He has fallen into shadow." Legolas looked up as tears filled is eyes once again and he replied bitterly, "He was taken by a both of shadow and flame; a Balrog of Morgoth." The elves that stood around blanched at the last three words. The bitterness and anger seemed to die in Legolas, leaving a terrible sadness in his eyes as he finished, "For we went needlessly into the net of Moria." His voice was harsh in his own ears.
Galadriel looked at Legolas and said "Needless were none of the deeds of Gandalf, though we do not yet know his full purpose." Finally, after speaking to the rest of the Fellowship for a few minutes she said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight, you will sleep in peace."
Legolas gratefully left with the rest of the Fellowship. Every time he had met the Lady of the Woods, he always felt an aura of power about her. He just wished to be alone. He noticed Haldir had gone to do something after they had spoken with Galadriel and Celeborn. So for the moment, he was saved from Haldir's interrogation.
He met with some elves who gave him some stately silver robes. He put them on and thanked them graciously. He knew many of these elves, and they were his friends from his previous visits. But at the moment he felt he would rather be secluded from everyone and everything to think.
He took a different trail, away from the Fellowship. He was about to climb a tree when he heard voices from the other side of the bushes... speaking about him.
"Elessar, why are you so angry?"
Aragorn's grey eyes flashed dangerously as he snapped, "Why shouldn't I be?!"
Though Galadriel knew exactly why Aragorn was angry, she continued to push him, knowing the ranger needed to get it out of him.
"Legolas could have died! That's an immortal life, gone! So many people could have been destroyed because of his selfish act. It is as though he tries to get killed. If he had died, Thranduil would have perished; Elladan and Elrohir would have most likely also gone through grief that might have destroyed them... and my father, for Valar's sake! And now, Gandalf has died..."
What neither Aragorn, nor Galadriel, counted on, was Legolas bursting into the conversation.
"You think I don't know that, Aragorn?!" Legolas' silver eyes were stormy with anger and another emotion Aragorn could not quite place; perhaps because he had never seen it in Legolas' eyes before. The fact that he had called him Aragorn instead of Estel, hurt more deeply than Aragorn would have ever thought. "You think I don't realize what would have happened if I had died? If I had known Frodo had Mithril on underneath his clothing, I might not have done what I did..."
Which was a lie; if Legolas saw anyone who needed help, he helped them, no matter the cost upon himself. "But as it was, he was the Ringbearer, is the Ringbearer, and I swore to protect him, life or death. But as it is I did not know and, may I remind you, neither did you! Do you think I don't understand that if I had died, my father would have died, and perhaps others, also?!"
"Legolas..." attempted Aragorn, feebly, but Legolas continued as though he hadn't even heard him. His eyes shimmered with tears that refused to fall. His hands were clenched tightly into fists as his nails dug into his skin, though he welcomed the pain as something to take his mind off of Gandalf. He seemed to be on the verge of collapsing, but he continued on, as though involuntarily.
"You don't think I know that if I hadn't come back to life when I did, Mithrandir would still be alive?! That if he hadn't lingered on the bridge for that one moment as he saw me, he would still be here? Maybe coming back did save more than one life, but if it meant that Mithrandir would take my place, maybe I would have been better off dead."
He crumpled to the ground and, for a moment, neither Galadriel nor Aragorn moved, so stunned were they by his unexpected speech and confession of guilt. Then, Aragorn bent down to help Legolas. The elf shoved him away desperately. "No!" He swung out his arms wildly.
"Legolas!" shouted Aragorn. "Listen to me, mellon-nín! I did not mean I blamed you for Gandalf's death! That was not your fault! You are not to blame! Listen to me!"
Legolas continued to ignore him as he continued, "If I had not come back, Mandos would not have needed to take another life in my place. It is my fault he is dead! If Mithrandir had not lingered on the bridge that extra moment, he would still be here!"
Galadriel intervened. "Legolas." Her voice was oddly serene, and for a moment, Legolas forgot his own grief as he listened. He did not remember too much of having a mother, for his own had died shortly after his 100th year of birth. She had lived long enough to give the traditional first weapons, but only a few months afterwards, a terribly tragedy had happened. Her body had been found brutally murdered towards the borders of Mirkwood. For Legolas to a hear a voice speaking to him as though mothering him was strange, but soothing, as though he were but an elfling and she were singing him a lullaby.
Legolas stopped his struggling against Aragorn. "Pedich anim. Mithrandir's death was not your fault."
Legolas stood silently for a few moments before simply bowing to Galadriel and leaving down a different path. As he was walking past the rest of the Fellowship, who were getting ready to go to sleep, he heard elves start to sing sorrowfully. The rest of his companions also heard and they stopped what they were doing surprised; he remarked, "A lament for Gandalf." They looked up at him in surprise, for they had not heard him come.
Merry asked curiously, "What do they say about him?" Legolas smiled sadly at him and said, "I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near." Sam began speaking about fireworks, and Legolas silently strode away. He stopped beside a small stream just a little ways away. He could hear Sam making up a poem about Gandalf. Legolas felt numb. He stared down at the clear, cold water. Everything was getting blurry before his eyes.
::Little Greenleaf, why do you cry?::
Legolas closed his eyes at the assault of tears that desperately threatened to fall. A single, heartbreaking, sob was drawn from his body. His throat tightened as he attempted to hold back more sobs. Crystal tears flowed out of his eyes, falling down his fair, pale face. He couldn't believe that Mithrandir could be dead. It seemed as though the full impact that Gandalf was gone forever had just hit him full force, like a cold, hard slap to the face.
It just always seemed as though the kindly old wizard would always be there to help him. It was Gandalf who had visited and helped him after his mother had died. It was Gandalf who had listened to his whole story and helped him heal, when he himself had just escaped from Saruman's hold. It was Gandalf who had given him the extra light in Moria. It was Gandalf... who just died. Legolas shook his head, hoping it was just a nightmare. He raised his hand to brush his hair from his face and gasped sharply. He looked down and noticed his silver tunic was drenched in blood. He held a hand to it, trying to stop the blood. He tried to think of something other than the pain, but all he could think of was Gandalf.
He felt dismal, but did he not join the Fellowship for Frodo? And was not every member of the Fellowship supposed to help out the others when they were in need? He knew the hobbits were greatly saddened by Gandalf's fall. Legolas felt so guilty; had it been his fault? If he had just been brave, and helped Mithrandir, would he still be alive?
Could Gandalf have lived if I had done something? Legolas wondered. Is it my fault Mithrandir is gone forever? Valar! Gandalf did not deserve to die! I should have instead... wait, maybe because I lived, Mandos had to take another life in my place! So it is my entire fault! I shouldn't have waited until Gandalf fell... I should have been there for him the whole time like a true warrior! Though he would not have even died if not for me... Now, must the others suffer because of my selfishness? Aragorn is right...
::I would say he is right, little Greenleaf! How could you have ever thought differently?::
His throat tightened as he attempted to suppress a sob. He was taking in short gasps, trying to force air into his starving lungs. More tears followed the first, as though a dam broken by the first tear. He bit his lower lip in an attempt to stop another sob that desperately threatened to be torn from his throat. His throat burned with suppressed tears and sobs. His mouth was dry, and he tried to swallow, but his throat was choked.
His head was bent over the stream, his golden hair hiding his fair features...and the trail of tears upon his face. He looked into his reflection and noted that his lip now bled. A single drop of blood fell to the water and Legolas watched with a sort of morbid satisfaction as the water turned and odd red color for a moment, before the current washed it away. A tear followed the drop of blood, and caused ripples to be sent through the water and distorting his reflection.
Suddenly there was an abrupt movement behind him and Legolas whipped around, furious that he hadn't heard the person come up behind him. It was Aragorn. Legolas tried to turn around to keep Aragorn from seeing him like this, but Aragorn was quicker. He cupped his hands softly around Legolas' chin and forced the elf to look at him. "Legolas, nar le mae?"
Legolas replied icily, "Man le carel s, Aragorn? I am fine. I do not need you to watch over me as though I am a child. In case I need remind you, I am many millennia older than you." His silver eyes flashed dangerously, though they still shone with tears. He turned slightly, so his right side was faced away from him. It was bleeding freely now, but he did not want to be treated as a child.
Aragorn looked at the archer doubtfully and answered, "Then may I inquire as to why you were crying?" Legolas hesitated and then responded, "I was not crying... that is an unworthy act of a warrior, Aragorn." Aragorn rolled his eyes; how many times had he heard Legolas say that? "I heard you crying," said Aragorn bluntly. "Legolas, you are not fine."
Legolas looked away and replied bitterly, "You hear everything, don't you." It was not a question. Aragorn drew back as though Legolas had struck him; he seemed so hateful, so full of bitterness. . Legolas noticed this and said quickly: "Edhored anim, Aragorn. I had no reason to strike out at you. I just..." Legolas faltered and stopped speaking as he heard his voice crack.
Aragorn replied, "Ú-moe edhored, mellon-nín. However, I do not think you are as 'fine' as you say you are. Besides I know we definitely have a difference in the meaning of the word 'fine'." Aragorn reached out and touched Legolas' lips before he could draw away and pulled his fingers back as blood covered them. He looked at the blood before saying, "Legolas, mani marte? Anírach i dulu nín?"
Legolas looked away again and responded, "Baw! As I said before, I am fine. I do not need your help, Aragorn." Aragorn did not want to press the subject, but he knew Legolas was not himself and definitely not fine. His face was paler than usual, trails of tears showed upon his face and his lips bled for a reason unknown to him. Finally, after a long silence, Aragorn replied heavily, "Very well then, I shall leave you to your thoughts. I just wanted you to know; it was not your fault that Gandalf fell to darkness." Then he walked away towards the rest of the Fellowship, his boots making imprints upon the soft, dewy grass.
Legolas silently watched him leave, though he was screaming inside. 'No! Please don't leave me! Mithrandir has already left me alone! But that was my fault, not his. Aragorn leaving was my fault too! Maybe if I had just accepted his help...'
::You don't deserve his help, little Greenleaf. You killed Gandalf! If you stay around the Fellowship, you will probably kill them too! You should leave now before you hurt everyone else you love. You aren't good for anything. Maybe it would be better if you just died. You aren't really a Prince. A real prince and Elf would have been able to save Mithrandir before he died instead of just watching. You know it's true!::
Legolas shook his head, trying to rid himself of the voices, but they wouldn't go away; and he was starting to believe the second voice.
Blood on my Hands
I feel in denial.
Innocent Blood;
No more of your smile.
Guilt.
Betrayal.
Shame.
All the emotions hit Legolas so hard that he lost his balance and nearly fell into the stream. He now knew the truth. He killed Gandalf.
Nai hiruvalye Valinor—may it be that thou shalt find Valinor
Perian—Halflings
Pedich anim—listen to me
Nar le mae?—are you well?
Edhored anim—forgive me
U-moe edhored—there is nothing to forgive
Mani marte?—what happened?
Man le carel sí?—what are you doing here?
Anírach i dulu nín?—Do you want my help?
Thanks for all the amazing reviews! To let anyone who might perceive it so, this story is NOT slash. I know this chapter was kind of weird...most likely because I was listening to Christmas music while listening to it and thinking about rainbows... don't. Ask. And Legolas was WAY OOC in this chapter, so forgive me please. I know he would not cry and this was totally weird. Criticism is welcome; constructive, mind you. Not that that will stop any flames...Let me know any ideas you might have!
Anywho, I really am sorry about the delay. I wrote this chapter like eight months ago, for a different story, and then I changed it a bit for this one. Then I had tons of school work. I was memorizing lines for a play (Peter Pan; I was Wendy) and then I was practicing singing! (The Ave Maria; for graduation from eighth grade) and in case you're wondering (which you're probably not... you're probably still mad at me, aren't you? I'm sorry!) both went totally great!!! My friend Mari played the piano absolutely amazingly! She worked sooo hard on it and she was so amazing... she is AWESOME at the piano...
Anywho, I also had tons of work for Portfolio (we have Portfolio in place of exams; lucky us... {Do note the sarcasm, please!}) Which was tons of work... for math we had to do a scale drawing and model apartment and do a report on both, for Spanish we had to do a brochure, for religion we had to do a 4 part visual and 7 part essay project, for science we had to get reports from sixth and seventh grade and tons of other stuff (actually science was pretty easy), for Social Studies we had to do a research report, and for art we had to do a painting thing. (I'm just lucky the Algebra teacher didn't give us a Portfolio and the Latin/Greek teacher didn't give us one!!!) I would take exams any day... the good news is... I suck at math (no, that's not the good news, lol) and I got an A on my math exam/portfolio thing!!!
To add to that, I've been working on my mom's and dad's computers because mine hasn't been working for the past two months... somebody sent me a virus or something (grr) and, as a matter of fact, it still isn't working. The only reason I've been able to work on it is because I haven't had the internet and when I do I can't do anything on my computer because pop-ups keep coming up, so I was able to actually work on this chapter. Then I suddenly got bit by a plot-bunny, and there was a plot twist with Aragorn being mad at Legolas for nearly getting killed. Sorry if you thought that was too weird, but sometimes when people get really worried it's easier to be mad than sad, and Aragorn has so many burdens... I figured he had to snap sometime or another...
I highly recommend you go see Van Helsing!!! It so totally rules!!! Go Hugh Jackman!!
So anyway, enough with excuses... review replies coming up after one more message.
This story is way longer than I would have thought it would be when I first began it! I never thought I could make it this far, and I have! Thank you all SO much! You inspired me beyond my farthest hopes.
Deana: Nah, his wound didn't disappear, more physical angst for him, and starting this chapter, mental angst! Our prince isn't free yet...
seeing-spots: Ah, yes, don't worry. I know Gimli does not eat orc blood. That's a running joke between me and my friends. I know he doesn't actually eat it, but thanks for pointing that out. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!
colagreenleaf: LOL, thank you! Well, I hope you got your cute fix from that, because it might get pretty angsty for the next chapters. As always, thank you for the wonderful review!
Dur En Thurin Naur: Yah, Legolas lives. I read her new fic! Lucky Nara...Think I can get Adromir to change Nara's name to Irish Anor? LOL, thanks for the review! (Oh my gosh, I replied to this review when she was still writing that story and it was new! If nothing else, that alone shows long ago I began this chapter.)
The-Fire-breathing-ferret: Yes! Legolas is alive! 'Boogie' seems to be the mutual feeling between everyone, LOL! Thanks for the kind review!
MidnightPrincess: Yep, cool, cool. Cool. ::looks at screen confused:: Oh, wait. The cool I wrote was saying cool for the newfound cool of your cool, savvy? Cool. Thanks for the review!
Lainfaer: Heh. ::hands cookie to Lainfaer:: Cookie? He's alive! Although he might not be to happy about it, since it just means more pain for him... Thanks for the review! I know this was not exactly soon, but...forgive me?
Star-Stallion: Well, seeing as how you killed him, you might not want to kill me... I updated! Maybe not exactly soon, but... Please update your story: 'Return to Us the Sun'!
Gemini969: Ah, soon...well...I updated this year, at least. I get credit for that, right? Right? ::smiles nervously:: Well, I, uh... here's the chapter!
azla: Thank you! I feel really honored to be on your favorites list! Really, it means a lot to me that you think this story is good! Thanks for the review and encouragement! I hope you enjoyed this chapter...
Bookworm, .303.: I'm really sorry this took forever! Seriously, I feel so bad! Thanks for reviewing!
Well, that about wraps it up... I'll try to update sooner than this time, I promise!
Irish Anor