Disclaimer: If I owned FMA then I wouldn't be writing this amazing piece of total crack right now.

Summery: Ed and Roy go to a bar for their date. Havoc ensues, and no, I'm not talking about Havoc the obsessive smoker.

Once again a reminder, if you read this fic, please read the fics of the other contestants as well. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! If you read, then rate! You don't even have to leave a real review! just put down a number between 1 and 10 based on how much you liked it. 1 being it sucked and 10 being awesome. This goes for all the other contestants fics as well, cuz it's not much of a contest if one person gets more ratings cuz they're more popular. We want to keep the playing field as even as possible.

Words/Phrases needed:

"I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

"Elp! Elp! I'm, bein oppressed!"

"Clicky-Pen"

"To be or not to be, that is the question; whether tis nobler to arms against the sea of troubles or…"

"Sometimes it helps to be upside down."

Perplexed Music (Irony in its truest form in my opinion):

It had become ritual for Ed and Roy to go out at least once a week. Even though they had started living together about a year ago, partly so Ed wouldn't have to worry about Al bringing cats into the barracks whenever they were there, the two males still enjoyed getting out together. One night it would be a restaurant, the next a movie, but tonight Roy had decided to take Ed to his favorite bar. The two frequented the place often enough, and Ed quickly agreed.

Later that night, after leaving Al at Gracia's for the night (Hughes had been insisting Al spend more time with Elysia, so the plan worked out well enough), Ed and Roy headed over to Kate's Bar. The place wasn't too fancy. A smooth, well-polished oak bar took up one corner of the room, a warm fireplace decorated the wall at the far end and an old piano rested next to it, inviting someone to play it. A few comfortable chairs sat around the fireplace, and tables were scattered around the rest of the bar. It was rather late. The place was mostly empty with just a few couples scattered sparsely throughout the room.

"Hey you two. Haven't seen you here in a while. What've you been up to?" The bartender asked. She looked somewhat out of place in the quaint bar with her multiple piercings, dark, spiky hair, and black trench coat.

"Hey, Kate. Not much, you?" Roy responded as he and Ed walked over, Roy's arm draped over Ed's shoulders.

"Business has been pretty good. Little boring, though." Kate said. "What can I get for you two?"

"A round of whiskey for everyone here!" Roy exclaimed mischievously. Kate's eyes sparkled deviously as she took out 12 glasses from behind the bar and started pouring the drinks.

Two hours later:

One of the previously civilized couples was up on top of the bar doing what some would call dancing – but then, the people who would call it dancing would have to be as drunk as the people who were doing it, and that would be very drunk indeed. Ed looked tipsily over at Roy, who was talking dramatically about his recent run-in with Santa Clause and how he had liberated all the elves from the red-man's cruel tyranny. Ed, looking genuinely impressed said, "to be or not to be; that is the question, whether tis nobler to take arms against a sea of troubles or…"

"…to click your pen ten times as fast as you can!" Roy interrupted, as a clicky pen "magically" appeared in front of him. probably from the guy who was hanging upside down on the lamp that was hanging overhead. Ed seemed to have missed the fact that the man had been hanging there for half an hour already. It was truly amazing that the man was still swinging on the lamp.

"FUN!! I WANNA TRY!!" Ed exclaimed, hopping up on the bar and knocking over the pair of "dancing" people as he went by. As soon as he found a lamp he jumped up as high as he could, reaching out for the lamp, missed, and fell off the bar into some random guy's lap. In a drunken rage Roy ran over, picked the dazed Ed up off the guy's lap, and set the poaching man's hair on fire. The man then ran away yelling "Elp! Elp! I'm bein' oppressed!"

"God, Roy, you're drunk as hell!" Kate exclaimed from her vantage point on top of one of the tables (1).

"DRUNK! You wouldn't dare call me drunk if I were sober!" he exclaimed.

"Great guess. Now go help your boyfriend get up on that lamp. He's too short to get up there himself." she pointed out, wondering how one of Ed's short rants would sound if he were drunk.

"I'M NOT A PIPSQUEAK TO SHORT TO REACH THE TOP OF MY OWN HEAD!"

"Are too," Kate said, pissing Ed off even more. Roy picked up the fuming blond and placed him upside down on the lamp the boy had previously attempted to cling to. "Sometimes, it just helps to be upside down," Roy explained as his chibi was pacified.

Just then Riza walked into the bar, pointed her gun at the pyromaniac Colonel, and calmly said, "You're drunk, sir."

Kate nodded.

"RIZA! I SWEAR TO DRUNK, I'M NOT GOD!!" Roy exclaimed, a look of panic spreading over his features.

"Come sir, you'll thank me for this later," She explained, making a waving motion with her hand. Suddenly, a shirtless mass of muscles and shiny pink sparklies entered the no-longer quiet bar.

"EEP!" Roy squealed as he latched on to the upside-down alchemist who was swing on the lamp looking completely at peace, unaware of his boyfriend, who was holding on for dear life, thinking that if he held on long enough Armstrong would give up. Clearly he hadn't heard the story of the perseverance that had been passed down the Armstrong family for generations.

For some random reason old western music started to be played on the piano as Armstrong's one curl of hair took on a mysteriously mischievous look and he began to tug the two alchemists away from the lamp, who were apparently intending to take the lamp with them.

"You break my lamp, you'd better pay for it!" Kate exclaimed, standing up on the table and brandishing a deadly looking fist at Armstrong, who was easily five feet taller than her, but who quaked in fear of the threat none the less. The random piano music still played in the background, and Armstrong managed to pull the two alchemists away. Sadly, he ended up taking the lamp with them, and all three ran frantically out the door, attempting to escape the wrath of the bartender, who was now chasing after them, shouting imprecations, with what appeared to be a retractable machete. Riza sighed and walked out into the night, leaving the rioting drunks behind her.

End

(1): Kate was there because a) all the chairs had been flipped over and b) it gave her a good view of the chaos.

That was fun to write! I had to take out a couple lines because of the stupid word limit -mumbles angrily- And for anyone who recognized Kate, my muse, congratulations! And yes, she really is like that. I could give additional description, but I wanted to get to the fun drunk scene. This was so much fun to write!! And if this could have a sequel, which it probably couldn't and so it won't, it would be entitled, "Hangovers are amusing" a quote from NinjaSquirls. Why it would be called this? I don't quite know. I just felt like saying it. Well, please rate it! And if so inclined, drop a review as well before heading off to read "biscuits of humor" written by NinjaSquirls, Happy-Moogle-Mustang, and JAG.