"I'm sorry."
I looked down at my hands folded beneath the café table. The swinging lamp overhead felt stifling, as if it would hold light to all corners of the booth, and secrets would no longer be so. Why was I here? Why had I let him take me here when I knew he wanted to be else where. He had wanted to search for Hatsumi, still did, and yet here he was, across from me, a coffee cup in hand.
He couldn't walk away. He couldn't leave me behind while I was like this. I knew, so why had I given in when he had asked if something was wrong. I couldn't meet his eyes, couldn't confess the truth to his concerned gaze. Instead, I kept my eyes on my hands.
But in the corner, of somewhere, within the shadows of my heart I knew things would end up this way, and had wanted things to end up so. I had wanted to take advantage of his kindness. The kindness Hatsumi was always benefiting from and using without a second thought. Even if that kindness was created out of pity, I wanted to accept it.
Because I loved him.
Because he wouldn't look at me otherwise.
My thoughts dissolved, like the condensed milk spooned into his coffee, as he rested his hand on my arm. I hadn't noticed that he had gotten out of his seat, and rounded the table to crouch beside me so our heads leveled. The coffee cup lay abandoned in the middle of the mosaic cloth. It was a slight shade lighter than it had been before, and heat rose from the quarter empty coffee.
His hand felt warm, even with a long sleeved shirt to part the contact.
"What's wrong?"
If I was Hatsumi, at that moment I could have leaned my head against his shoulder, and he would have embraced me in return. If I was Hatsumi, he wouldn't be here now out of obligation, but out of free will. If I was Hatsumi, I wouldn't have had to hold back my feelings for him.
But I wasn't her.
I moved my arm away from his touch.
"Asahi…"
I wasn't her.
I stood from my chair, avoiding his eyes as I said: "Look…i-it's nothing. I—"
He didn't seem convinced by my reply.
"If there was something though, you would tell me, right?"
"O-of course, that's what…friends are for."
Why was I always the one to push myself further into the ground? Why was I always the one to bring an end to a beginning that never started?
I knew the answers why.
Because it was him.
Because nothing had changed since that school day years ago.