"I wish I was a spaceman, the fastest guy alive, I'd fly you 'round the universe in Fireball XL5"
oOo
"What's all this then, lad? Janine get me a temp. Any pain? Trouble breathing?", asked Carson, his tone business-like.
"No... just feel sick...", was the sullen reply.
It had been three days since Rodney's surgery; three days since a knife had been removed from his chest. Carson was pretty pleased with him; no sign of residual infection, he was off the antibiotics. For some reason, however, he'd started vomiting - quite spectacularly, too.
He was sitting on the edge of his bed, dressed in white scrubs. One of the infirmary staff was removing a covered basin; she handed McKay a damp wash cloth and clean basin. She passed Carson a clip board and he accepted it, nodding his thanks.
Well, temperature was normal... He stood back and took a good look at his patient. Rodney looked tired, which was to be expected, and a little pale; his eyes were dull, and he blinked slowly. He looked depressed.
"How do you feel?"
"Hungry. But, that.. ", and he pointed with distaste, at the bowl of soup and pile of crackers, on the night stand, "...and even the thought of eating... makes me wanna throw up..."
"Well, maybe it's just a wee upset. We'll see how you go... I'll get you something to settle your stomach." He made a fuss of checking Rodney's dressing, and was about to go fetch the required medication, when he hesitated and looked back at him.
The lad's not goin' to like this...
"Kate's been by...", he began, carefully, and Rodney's eyes rolled.
"Yeah, right, 'obligatory chat with brain doctor', wondered when that would come up"
"She has to talk to you, Rodney, you know the drill. Maybe you can discuss this with her?", he said, hopefully.
"What? My puking? Oh, how nice, I'm sure she'll be enthralled..."
"Rodney! Did you not think this could be... well, something psychological in nature? I really think you need to talk about your... experience with someone."
Footsteps sounded suddenly in the small space, and into the infirmary walked Sheppard, looking much better than he had. The doctor noted the smaller bandage now around his injured wrist.
"Colonel"
"Carson... How's the patient?" and Carson saw his eyes were drawn immediately to the small bowl Rodney clutched; he made a face, then looked warily at the scientist, taking a hesitant step back.
"Hungry... actually", Rodney whined.
"Rodney's having trouble keeping anything down", said Beckett, in explanation.
"Thought you liked this kind of food...", Sheppard had moved to the side table and was spooning up the now congealed soup, and sniffing it suspiciously. "You know, pre-packaged, tasteless, homogenized - sorry, doc, didn't mean it like that..." he smiled weakly and looked suitably sheepish.
As the colonel had been speaking Carson had watched as Rodney slid himself back into bed and was now burrowed down under the covers with his back to his visitors.
"Why don't you come back later, Colonel, and you can maybe take the lad out for a walk. Right now, we'll let him rest, shall we?"
oOo
"Come on" It was Sheppard, standing by his bed. He had Rodney's uniform jacket in his hand.
"Where?", he asked, bemused, as John threw the jacket around him. Suddenly, he found himself the reluctant passenger in a wheelchair.
"Out", was the simple answer, and the colonel trundled him towards the exit.
oOo
"How do you feel.. really?"
Sheppard was chewing on a brownie. Several food packs were open on the main control panel; MREs, power bars, crackers in shiny wrappers, all Rodney's favourites; the jumper was like a snack bar. Rodney was not eating.
"I feel different...", and Rodney shifted in his seat as if he was suddenly uncomfortable.
The view screen was full of stars, so bright that they illuminated the scientist's too-pale face. John hoped fleetingly that Carson would understand his little abduction. Rodney spent a lot of time being ticked off; a fair amount of time being miserable; but John had never seen him truly depressed... it was worrying.
"I'm ashamed.", he said in a small voice. Boy, did he sound ashamed, thought John.
"I'm ashamed of myself because I killed those men, that I really wanted them dead... I'm a killer." This last was said in a voice that broke in the middle, and there was disbelief and horror on the face that looked over at him.
Sheppard was quick to respond.
"No, you're not", he said firmly, shaking his head.
"What else does something like that make me?", came the angry retort.
There was silence, for a good few seconds; the soft, but busy, sounds of the space craft's systems the only thing that could be heard, then...
"Why did you - kill them, I mean?" Sheppard spoke calmly; but Rodney's answer was anything but calm. His tone was harsh, jarring to the ear...
"What kind of question is that? To save you, of course!" He hauled himself out of his seat and hobbled off to the back of the jumper, where he stood against a bulkhead, listing to one side. John rose and watched him closely, saying nothing. Rodney was turned away and John couldn't see his face. When he at last spoke his voice was thin and tired.
"They were going to murder my friend right in front of me. I couldn't let them do that... and I couldn't see a way out...any other way out..."
Sheppard watched as Rodney's head dropped down and a hand came up to scrub at his face. The scientist leaned even more heavily to one side and John took an involuntary step forward when he thought, for a second, he would have to catch the man.
A few more moments passed, again in silence.
Slowly John walked towards the back of the jumper. Keeping his voice deliberately low and even he said., "You think that you wanted to kill them, but that's just not true. What you wanted was to save me, and you were prepared to do what was... unthinkable to achieve that". His hand came down gently on McKay's bowed shoulders.
"I didn't know myself, John. Don't know what came over me...", Rodney sounded tired, defeated.
"You were injured... in shock..." as he spoke John reached up and pulled a blanket from an overhead locker.
"I've-I've changed..." Rodney transferred his weight to John's shoulder as the pilot draped the blanket awkwardly, around them both.
"Coming out here... you were bound to change, you knew that, right?" he said quietly. "It kinda goes with the territory. This expedition... it's dangerous, McKay... what can I tell ya?", and he walked Rodney, who was now weaving quite severely, back to his seat and sat him down. He peeled the blanket off himself and wrapped it fully around the scientist's shoulders. As he leaned in closer, he could see Rodney's face was pinched and weary.
"Back on Earth, I dealt with machines, not people; not life and death. Funny... I thought I didn't like myself before, but now..."
John reached behind his seat and drew out a water bottle. He handed it across, and Rodney took it with a hand that was almost steady.
"The man I remember from then, didn't know his full potential, that's all", said John.
Rodney raised his head.
"I guess... I miss that guy.." he explained simply.
They looked across at each other, for a moment, and John just said, "Yeah...", because what more could he say.
As they both turned to look out at the star filled blackness of space, he wondered if Rodney was thinking back to a simpler life, a more innocent one; and the pilot too, remembered how it was before p-90's, mine-fields and war-zones changed him forever, and thought, as he had many times before, there's no going back.
John looked over to see that Rodney had begun rooting around in front of him. He tore open some crackers and started munching on them. Absently, he ran his other hand over the jumper controls.
"I know I pretend to be indifferent... but this... this flying a space ship thing... I love it... seriously", Rodney said, sounding as if he considered it a guilty pleasure, and John found himself grinning at the admission. Suddenly, Rodney laughed...
"What's funny?"
"Ever see Fireball XL5? It was a tv show... saw it in England when I was a kid. I guess you'd be Steve Zodiac, the pilot. I'd have to be Professor Matthew Matic..."
"Are you making this up?"
"No... Well, this... this is a spaceship, right... so I must be a spaceman. Who'd a thunk it?"
"We better head back - Carson'll be wondering...", John mused, rolling his eyes.
Rodney, leaned back in his seat, arms folded carefully across his chest.
"When you spoke to Carson, where did you say we were going?"
"East Pier..."
"Oh..."
"D'you think they found the wheelchair yet?"
"Probably...", and the image of Rodney's abandoned wheelchair, standing where a jumper should have been, for some reason, made him smile.
"Alright, drive us home, Mr Spaceman..."
oOo
The End
Thankyou for your reviews, they kept me going... I took the liberty of having Rodney spend some time in England, as a child. Hopefully, not too much of a stretch that he has relatives there.
Also, if you want to know the references for the opening lines of each chap, here they are:
1. The Incredible Hulk tv series, David Banner's 'catchphrase' (Thanks to Valexie for reminding me of that one)
2. End theme for Captain Scarlet (may be heard on YouTube)
3. End theme for Fireball XL5(also available on YouTube)
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