Author's Note: Credit goes to Crimson Cutie for the wonderful plot bunny that inspired this fic. Thank you so much!

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Warnings: The characters are going to go to great lengths to escape this wedding. Craziness will ensue. You have been warned.

Anyway, here you go! Enjoy!

"So…Shikamaru, long time no see," Temari said. She rested her elbows on the table, lacing her fingers together. "Have you been on any missions lately?"

Shikamaru leaned back in his chair, putting his feet up on the table. He rested his heels atop a bowl of rice, small grains sticking to the rubber soles of his sandals.

"Eh," he said, picking at his teeth with a chopstick. He set down the eating utensil and pointed at Temari's untouched bowl of udon. "You gonna eat that?"

Temari pushed the bowl across the table. Tilting her head, she gave him a cheerful smile.

Damn it, Shikamaru thought. I'll have to try a new approach.

"That's a…very ugly dress you're wearing," he said bluntly, after wiping the rice off of his sandals with the tablecloth. He eyed her critically, holding a glass of water to his lips. "You look like a hag."

"I think it looks ugly too!" Temari replied, with a bubbly laugh. "At least someone agrees with me!"

Dumbfounded, Shikamaru stared at her, dropping the glass of water. It crashed to the ground, exploding in a flurry of glass and liquid. The patrons of the restaurant looked over in disgust.

"You're so honest," Temari continued. She reached out and softly touched his hand. "That's why I think you're such a great person."

NO! Shikamaru was screaming inside his head, staring at the kunoichi's hand. Her warm fingers lay over his, almost in an affectionate way. This isn't how it's supposed to happen!

Panicking, he tipped over the steaming-hot bowl of udon. The boiling broth went pouring over Temari's hand.

"I don't want to marry Temari!"

Nara Yoshino slammed down the dish she had been washing, splitting it in half. She turned her head slowly, fixing her son with a terrible stare.

"It's all been settled with the Hokage. This marriage will ally Konohagakure and Sunagakure," Yoshino paused, "forever."

"You called me over to tell me that you're making me marry Temari."

"Yes."

Shikamaru sighed, sitting down on an old wooden chair. "Women are so troublesome," he muttered.

"I heard that."

Shikamaru looked up. His mother's face was inches away from his own. He scooted back.

"Sabaku no Temari is a lovely young woman." Yoshino gazed at Shikamaru unnervingly. "She'll keep you in line."

"Why do I have to marry her?"

Yoshino walked back to the sink. "The Hokage and Kazekage have decided to keep the two hidden villages allies by a marriage. The Kazekage's sister was available and last week, the Godaime sent out a call for any single men to court her." Shikamaru's mother glanced at him. His eyes were wide and mouth slightly open. "And you have nothing better to do, so I signed you up. And you were chosen."

"Signed me up?! This isn't like signing up for pottery class! You're marrying me off!"

"It'll be a good experience. You're just like your father," Yoshino said, grinning menacingly. "You need a good, tough woman in your life!"

"Why Temari?" groaned Shikamaru. "She's too bossy! And she gives me a headache!"

Yoshino grinned wider. "Exactly."

"WHAT?!"

Gaara watched impassively as his older sister leaped over the elder's desk, grabbing him by the collar. All around the room, the other Sunagakure officials gasped.

"You're marrying me off to some random Konoha nin?" she hissed. "Is this your sick idea of a joke?"

"Y-yes, Temari-san," the man squeaked, "I mean n-no…I mean…"

"Temari, please put him down."

Gaara was staring at her calmly. With a gusty sigh, she let go of the terrified official.

"Why are you doing this to me? I don't want to get married," Temari said in a high pitched voice. Across the room, Kankuro winced.

She's gonna blow any minute, he thought grimly to himself. He began to discreetly inch towards the door.

"There is an ancient tradition of marrying two nin from different villages," Gaara said patiently. "The marriage symbolizes eternal trust between the two villages, and allies them forever."

"But Sunagakure and Konoha are already allies!" Temari protested desperately. "Why…?"

"This fastens the bonds permanently," Baki, her former teacher, replied. "Once the marriage has been sealed, neither country will worry about betrayal, especially during times of war. Commerce will bloom, resources will greatly expand. Sunagakure will greatly benefit from this."

"And you are the sister of the Kazekage," an elder added, "as well as the liaison and messenger between Suna and Konoha. You know much about Konoha." He cleared his throat. "You were the perfect candidate for the marriage."

Temari glared at him.

"I feel sorry for that fellow she has to marry," a pointy-chinned elder whispered to her comrade. "She's a wild one."

"I heard that," hissed Temari. She looked around the room wildly, her eyes blazing. "Is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

"Temari," Gaara said. He folded his hands above the table, closing his eyes. "This idea of marriage was decided quite a while ago. On my last trip to Konoha, that was the topic of discussion." She looked up at his older sister, his eyes impassive. "The Godaime sent out a call for possible prospects on that day. And your husband has been chosen."

"Who is it?" Temari said, tightening her fists.

It was silent. Suddenly, Gaara answered his sister.

"Nara…Shikamaru."

"I had a wonderful time," Temari said.

Temari and Shikamaru stood outside of the restaurant, nightfall settling all around them. The last vestiges of daylight faded away, slipping upward until they were completely hidden by the milky darkness. The shinobi glanced at his date's bandaged hand. Shikamaru felt a little remorseful, but quickly shook the feeling away.

"I'll see you tomorrow night," Temari said, smiling. "Where would you like to go?"

Shikamaru looked up at the sky, sighing. "I don't care."

"How about that one formal restaurant...?"

"Okay." Shikamaru coughed loudly, not bothering to cover his mouth.

"Are you all right?"

"I have a migraine. Your voice is really shrill." Which was half true. Shikamaru really did have a headache.

"…all right. I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Okay."

"SHIKAMARU?!"

"Is there a problem. Temari?" an elder asked.

"Hell yes there is! You picked my husband for me! And you went and picked that...that...Shikamaru!"

Once again, there were gasps from the high-ranking officials around the room. Kankuro had to smile. His older sister was usually somewhat calm and agreeable, but she couldn't stand it if someone chose things for her. Especially without telling her. Kankuro shook his head. This is gonna be great! he thought.

"The Hokage felt that this would be a good match," the pointy-chinned elder said. "She said that you are friends. Your ninja skills are compatible."

"We're compatible now, are we?" Temari's voice was rising.

"To tell you the truth, there weren't many other candidates. Nara-san was the most reputable one of them," one of the elders remarked. "He took down an Akatsuki member in his youth, he's a Jounin, part of the Nara clan…"

"The man lives with deer!"

"Temari," Baki said seriously. "Don't antagonize Shikamaru-san. This is a matter of great importance." He glanced at Gaara, who was staring intently at him. "For diplomatic reasons, no matter what he does, you must act courteous," Baki said, stressing his words. He leaned back in his chair. "Be nice. You can't ruin this arrangement."

The pointy-chinned elder spoke, barely trying to conceal the grin on her face. "Try to have fun with it. Flirt a little."

Temari tightened her fists.

"You will get seven days to get acquainted with Nara-san. At the end of this week, you will be married in Konoha," Gaara said. His eyes held a slight hint of sadness. He spoke almost inaudibly. "I'm sorry, Temari."

The kunoichi shook her head. "I'll go pack, Kazekage-sama."

Without another word, she turned around and headed out the door.

It was silent for several moments, until Kankuro spoke.

"Well, that was quite a show," he said, amused.

Shikamaru barged into his apartment, a livid look upon his face. Chouji was sitting at his dining room table, audibly crunching on a fistful of potato chips.

"How was the date?" Chouji asked, between mouthfuls.

Shikamaru sighed, sitting down on his couch. "Troublesome."

"Did you follow my advice?"

"I did," Shikamaru said accusingly. "I tried to be as rude as possible, just like you said." He glared at his friend. "You said it would work! You said that it would make Temari so disgusted that she would call off the wedding!"

"It should have worked!" protested Chouji. "Why, what did she do?"

"She liked it," Shikamaru hissed. "She thought I was being honest."

"Well then, she has some issues," Chouji said, peering into his bag of potato chips. "Or maybe it's that time of month."

"I have to change my tactics," Shikamaru muttered. "I can't marry her." He leapt over the couch, grabbing his friend by the shoulders. "Good god, Chouji, she's like my mother!"

"I thought you and Temari were friends," said Chouji, feeling around the bottom of the chip bag.

"We were," Shikamaru sighed, "a while ago. I haven't spoken to her in years." He looked up at the ceiling. "I don't want to marry her, Chouji."

"What are you going to do?"

Shikamaru thought for a minute, eyes closed in concentration. After several moments of silence, he spoke.

"I don't really know that much about women," Shikamaru admitted.

Chouji rummaged through the kitchen cabinets, searching for another bag of potato chips.

"I guess I'll ask the other Konoha males for advice," Shikamaru said finally. "There are six more dates before our wedding. I can't call it off—the Hokage and my mother would be after me. And you know how my mother gets." He had a determined look in his eyes. "I have to make her call it off. She's the sister of the Kazekage; I'm sure Gaara would listen to her."

His friend quickly pocketed the crinkly bag, then smiled sadly. "I hope you can get out of this, Shikamaru."

"Me too." Shikamaru heaved a gusty sigh, slumping over the coach. "Women are so troublesome."

Kankuro looked up as his sister barged into the apartment. The Hokage had given the siblings a small apartment in Konoha five days earlier. It was an average-sized space, perfectly comfortable without being too cramped.

"Uh-oh," he remarked. "Someone looks a little pissed off."

Temari slammed the door, leaving a crack in the wood.

"I hate Shikamaru," Temari muttered. "That obnoxious, udon-tipping bastard…"

"What happened to your hand?" Kankuro asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Shikamaru," his sister hissed. She flung herself on the couch, examining the bandages on her hand. "And I had to endure it all with a cheery smile on my face." She crossed her arms, mumbling angrily. "Stupid diplomatic rules…I wish I could've put a kunai to his head…"

"Well, what are you going to do? Beg Gaara and the other elders to call it off?"

Temari laughed bitterly.

"You think I haven't tried that? They say that it's my sacrifice for Sunagakure. It's my duty."

"To get hitched?"

"Great, isn't it?" Temari snorted. "How would you like it if you were forced to marry some kid with a pineapple head?"

Her brother began to laugh hysterically.

"Oh, shut up, Kankuro."

Kankuro wiped a tear from his eye. "This is just too rich."

Temari glared at her brother. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

He gave her a serious look, then suddenly broke out into a wide smile. "Hell yeah!"

The kunoichi punched him in the arm.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! And please, please review!