Author's Note: New chapter!
I've put in a certain Akatsuki character this chapter…I just couldn't resist. I was thinking over all of the guys in Konoha that Shikamaru could ask, and somehow, this character came to mind. However, certain events have led him to be in Konoha, so the appearance is a little bizarre… P
So this chapter may have spoilers if you don't read the manga.
Enjoy, and please review!
Shikamaru was lazily lying sprawled in the lush grass, staring up at the clear sky. Deer darted through the thick foliage all around him, disappearing quickly into the shadowy leaves before he could blink.
Of course, Shikamaru wasn't concerned with deer or plant life. No, he had come to this lonely clearing in his family's forest for another reason.
"How can I make Temari hate me?" he mused, watching a wispy cloud dissolve overhead.
He folded his hands behind his head. "The whole acting-like-an-Uchiha thing didn't work. And the whole art museum fiasco doesn't work either. She likes me even more." He sighed. "What is wrong her?"
Shikamaru was silent for several moments, mulling over his limited options.
"Hey! Over here!"
Shikamaru sat up, looking around wildly. No one ever came into the Nara Forest, save for its keepers. This voice was unlike those of his family members.
It must be an intruder.
Shikamaru up on his feet, gripping a kunai.
"Who's there?" he called. "Show yourself!"
"I can't, you half-assed son of a bitch!" the voice snapped. "Dammit, I'm in a fucking hole!"
Shikamaru cautiously followed the sound of the voice. It…sounded somewhat familiar.
He soon came upon a small pit, filled up with water.
"What the…"
It was Hidan, his severed head was bobbing in the water. It was rather disturbing.
"Once I get my body back, I swear I'll rip out your kidneys and offer them to Jashin-sama," Hidan growled. "I've been stuck here for years. Seriously."
Shikamaru stared at him, mouth agape.
"Y-you…" he gasped. Suddenly, his face turned red with anger. "Why aren't you dead?" he demanded.
"What?!" Hidan began laughing. It was a very bizarre sight. "Me, dead?" He was in hysterics.
"YES!" shouted Shikamaru, stomping his foot. "Why aren't you dead? I blew you up into a million pieces!"
"I'm immortal, remember?" Hidan said dryly. "Shit, I thought you were the smart one."
Shikamaru glared at him. "Get back in the dirt."
"Hell no!" Hidan said. "Last night, when it rained, the water from that stream ran off into this here soil. Would you believe that all that water pushed my head to the surface?" Hidan smiled, satisfied. "It's the work of Jashin-sama, I'm not even kidding you."
Shikamaru regarded his floating head, unimpressed. "You're just a head."
"And you're a hopeless bastard with a pineapple-shaped head," Hidan retorted.
Shikamaru turned away. "I'm going back to my cloud watching."
He began to make his way back to the clearing when Hidan suddenly called out, "Hey, I heard you talking about some sort of a…chick problem?"
Shikamaru slowly turned his head. "Hm?"
"I can help," Hidan said, grinning.
"And why would I want help from you?" Shikamaru asked, raising an eyebrow.
Hidan gave him an insulted look. "Are you kidding me? People jump at the chance to get my advice."
"I don't believe you."
"I have some of Jashin-sama's knowledge on my side," Hidan said. "And he knows everything." He lowered his voice. "Seriously."
"Fine," Shikamaru sighed. "What do you think I should do?"
"Well, what exactly are you trying to do?" Hidan inquired, smirking.
Shikamaru sat across from the hole. He let out a gusty sigh. "I'm trying to make her hate me so much, that she'll call of our marriage."
Hidan's eyes went wide. "You're getting hitched?" He began to laugh. "Y-you?! Getting married! Ha!" Tears began welling up in the corners of his eyes. "You're killing me!"
Shikamaru fixed him with an icy glare. "Do you want me to bury your head?"
Hidan instantly became serious.
"Listen, Pineapples. I may not know how to drive away women, but I sure know how to make them flock to me," Hidan stated. "So—"
"—so I would have to do the opposite," Shikamaru finished.
"You're smart after all," Hidan's head began to tilt to the side.
"So how do you attract women?" Shikamaru asked impatiently.
"Isn't it obvious?" Hidan said, sounding insulted. "I'm a follower of Jashin." He beamed. "Who wouldn't be attracted to me?"
Shikamaru began to walk away. "I'm leaving."
"Come back!" Hidan roared. "I have more advice!"
Shikamaru rolled his eyes and returned. He crossed his arms edgily.
"Make it quick," he said. "Or I'll take your head and bury it in a public restroom."
Hidan grumbled to himself. "Fine. I'll tell you." He looked up at Shikamaru. "Come closer."
Shikamaru grudgingly obliged.
"Here's my secret," the religious man whispered conspiratorially. "It's all in…my appearance."
"Your appearance," Shikamaru repeated. He looked at Hidan, scrutinizing him. "I don't see it."
"What are you talking about?" Hidan demanded angrily. "Look at me, damn it!" His eyebrows were knit-low. "People would kill for my hair! Kill!"
Shikamaru closed his eyes. "Okay. So what you're saying is, to drive Temari away, I have to be…ugly?"
"Uh-huh," Hidan agreed. "Ugly as hell." Suddenly, his eyes went wide. "Wait, Subaku no Temari? That one?"
Shikamaru watched him quizzically. "Uh, yeah…?"
"She's a crazy bitch," Hidan said, his voice full of admiration. "A crazy…bitch."
"Hey," Shikamaru said, confused. "How do you know her?"
Hidan smirked at him. "I've heard things."
Temari was pacing at the park gates. He was nearly a half hour late. She narrowed her eyes.
In the distance, she could see a brightly-clad figure walking towards her, hands shoved deep into neon pockets.
"Hey."
Temari froze.
"Shikamaru?"
Her fiancée was clad in a very interesting plethora of fabrics. Upon his…curled…locks, a purple fedora with a massive feather was carefully tilted slightly to the side. He wore a plastic suit jacket, which boasted a rather grotesque pattern of neon shapes in garish colors. Much to Temari's horror, she noticed that Shikamaru was proudly sporting hot pink leather pants, which matched the rims of his large sunglasses.
Oh god, Temari thought, cringing. He's a walking fashion disaster.
"So how are you, Temari?" Shikamaru said casually. "Ready to go through the park?"
Temari blinked.
He was actually acting somewhat sane for once…?
"Um, yes," she said, tilting her head to the side. She conjured up a smile. "I…I'm fine, thank you."
They stood in silence for several moments. Be nice, Baki's voice rang through Temari's head.
She spoke nervously. "I…love your hat. It's so…unique."
She thought she saw a ghost of a grimace cross Shikamaru's face, but shook her head. It must have been the shadows.
"Let's go," Shikamaru said lightly, offering her his arm. Temari gingerly took it.
And with that, the strange couple descended down the steps and made their way to the park.
They were making their way down a quaint cobblestone path, which followed a snaking river. The landscape was rather beautiful; muted greens and painted golds were laced together through the curved leaves overhead, reflecting back in the constantly shifting water. The perfect setting for a peaceful stroll through Konoha's natural scenery.
Shikamaru walked next to Temari, trying to look as ugly as possible. He twisted his face into a various array of grotesque facial expressions. But something wasn't working. Temari smiled at him, spoke cheerfully as ever.
To make matters worse, passerby would point not quite so discreetly at him, hastily trying to stifle their laughter.
Look at Shikamaru.
I feel sorry for that Sand kunoichi he has to marry.
Look at those leather pants. He must be chafing.
What a freak.
Shikamaru scowled and turned away from them. They thought he was ugly. What was wrong with Temari?
"I am not chafing," he insisted quietly to himself.
Temari noticed Shikamaru's incoherent mumbling and surly expression.
"Are you all right?" she asked, concerned. "Are you sick?"
"No," Shikamaru sighed. He could hear the villagers' whispers all around him. "It's nothing."
Temari studied his face.
"No, it's not," she said confidently. She leaned in, cupping her hand around her mouth. "It's the villagers, isn't it?"
"What?" Shikamaru said.
"Eh, I've heard them whispering this whole time," she said, shrugging. "They were saying something about how you were ugly. Something like that."
Shikamaru remembered Hidan's words.
"Yes," he agreed, his voice monotone. "I am very ugly."
Temari raised her eyebrows. Shikamaru stood there, the sunlight reflecting off his colorful clothing and outlining his outrageous get-up in a twisted golden glow. He was framed in light, looking almost holy. Wearing neon leather pants. She bit her lip, trying to keep herself from laughing.
She couldn't hold it in.
She laughed.
Shikamaru looked at her, somewhat startled.
"Ugly?" Temari replied. "Well, I wouldn't go that far." She looked at him up and down. "Maybe they just aren't used to your fashion sense. It's kind of avant-garde."
Shikamaru was silent.
"You know," Temari said, jokingly. "I've always had a thing for bold neon patterns."
Shikamaru was so consumed with anger towards Hidan that he didn't catch the teasing tone in Temari's voice. His fury doubled.
Hidan, I'm going to bury you when I get back…
"So how'd it go, Pineapples?"
"Don't 'Pineapples' me," Shikamaru hissed. "You lied."
Hidan looked at the shinobi, confused. "Huh?"
"I went out in public dressed like this!" Shikamaru's voice rose. He gestured at his appalling garb. "The whole village thinks I'm crazy!"
Hidan raised his eyebrows. "Hey, at least the chick thinks you're crazy too. Isn't that what you wanted?"
Shikamaru fixed him with a terrible stare.
"That's the problem," he said, his voice rising. "She enjoyed our date!"
"Huh?"
"First," Shikamaru said, counting on his fingers, "she complimented my hat. Second, she told me that she loves it when men experiment with bold patterns. And third, she asked me if she could borrow my curling iron so she could get her hair just like mine!" Shikamaru stood over the whole, looking down at Hidan with flashing eyes.
"Okay, calm down. Seriously," Hidan said. "Maybe you weren't ugly enough." He frowned. "Maybe plastic surgery…"
"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT!" Shikamaru shouted. He threw his arms in the air. "I ONLY HAVE A FEW DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING!"
Hidan watched as Shikamaru stalked angrily away. He shook his head, or as much as his lack of body would allow, in pity.
"Poor heathen bastard," he remarked.
Kankuro was waiting there to greet his sister. "So how'd it go?"
Temari walked away silently, ignoring her brother.
He raised his eyebrows. "Females…"
She slammed the door behind her and sat down on her bed with a heavy sigh.
The date had not gone all that bad, Temari mused. They had taken a walk through the park, stopped at Ichiraku Ramen for lunch. He had actually acted somewhat normally. He could use a little bit of…help, but overall, it was all right. She had even given him a genuine smile.
Temari frowned. Shikamaru had seemed very different on every single date so far. Both personality-wise and appearance-wise.
Perhaps he had multiple identities?
Temari leaned back into her pillow.
"What is wrong with him?"