Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 3
Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). An all too brief stay in Macalania Woods leaves our heroes wishing for a nice long rest at a Travel Agency…
Thunder Plains - North - Yuna and Company are just emerging from the woods, trailed by Spira's most desperate salesman.
"Are you sure I couldn't interest you in the latest Potions? No? they're guaranteed to work twice as good as last year's stock. I'll give you a discount! 20 gil each! How about one of these spheres? All the rage in Luca, they are. This one's got a nice recording of a handsome young man…disrobing to music. The ladies in Luca love it--!
"No thanks, we have that one." Rikkus replied brusquely, in regards to the sphere O'aka was holding out to her.
"Oh, well how 'bout this one? It's got a humorous recording of a practical joke involving a machina running off with a man's pants while he hangs upside down at Mi'ihen."
"No. We have that one too." Auron replied vehemently, mentally reliving that particular bad memory. "Just keep walking and don't make eye contact!" he hissed urgently to his companions as he hustled them ahead of him like a hen shooing her chicks.
"How 'bout you friend?" O'aka asked Tidus, bobbing around him like a small moon. Salesmen just seemed to gravitate towards him. They know a sucker when they see one, especially when they have seen him before. "Help me out, pal? Just one Item? Salesmen gotta eat too, you know. How about this level 4 key sphere? Only one dropped by Sin itself!"
Just like the other fifty in his bag. Auron thought nastily. It is inescapable. No matter what universe you live in, there will always be pushy salesmen (or women, let's not discriminate) ready to sell dodgy, shady, and questionable merchandise to the unwary.
"Come on, help a fellow man out."
Lulu gave the man a look that said that in no way, shape, or form did Lulu consider him to be a fellow anything.
Grinning nervously, Tidus stammered numerous excuses while giving his companions desperate looks that screamed for help, all of which were ignored. In the game of 'Avoid the Salesman', it was every man, woman, and Ronso for themselves. Sometimes, a sacrifice for the good of the pack had to be made.
Tidus finally made an escape by pointing in some random direction and shouting "Look, tourists!" then legging it away. You help out the O'aka Merchant Empire one time, and you never get them off your back.
Free of O'aka's presence, the Guardianship continued on it's way, sticking close to the towers. While walking around wet was one of the most uncomfortable ways to travel, no one dared open an umbrella. It is never a good idea to walk around with six inches of steel held over your head during a storm. That's just asking for trouble. It is also a bad idea to pet a cat during a storm, which was why there was a discreet ring of empty space around the Ronso. If the blue humanoid noticed, he didn't comment. He never said much of anything anyway.
Thunder boomed overhead. Rikku and Yuna both jumped and quickly covered their midsections with a hand. "Tidus," Rikku whispered frantically to the boy walking next to her "Quick, cover your belly button!"
"What? Why?" Tidus asked, flinching as another crack of thunder sounded overhead.
"So the thunder gods won't steal your belly button!"
"What?" Tidus asked in a whisper that carried a hint of fear.
"If you don't cover your belly button during a thunderstorm," Yuna whispered "Then the thunder gods will come down and take it away!"
"'S right, brudda." Wakka said. The blond looked at each of his friends, all of whom were covering their belly buttons, even Auron (who trying to pretend like he wasn't. Superstitions were for kids, after all).Tidus thought about it for five seconds, then covered his own belly button, just to be safe.
"You mean, like the arm that can come out of the toilet?" he asked fearfully, after several moments of silence.
"What arm?" Yuna asked in morbid fascination.
"Where I come from, there's this arm, see," Tidus explained in a whisper, forcing his companions to crowd around in horror story formation. "And it lives in the toilet. And when you are sitting there, doing your business, it can come up and grab you!"
A shudder raced from spine to spine, causing the 'creeps', 'goose-bumps', 'shivers', 'heebee-jeebee's' and other manner of spine-tinglers that may accompany horror stories.
"Is that why you don't have a bathroom?" Lulu asked.
"That's why." The young man replied.
They continued on.
"I hate being wet!" Rikku grumbled, starting a deluge of complaining. Tidus, who had been occupying himself by practicing his lightning bolt dodging, piped up brightly, "I'll fix it!" The teen dashed out to the middle of the road and did the Lucky Dance while singing 'Rain, Rain, Go Away.' He got as far as 'Come again a ' before the Luck gods couldn't stand it anymore and did a little smiting.
As everyone watched, a bolt of lightning lit the area with a brilliant flash. After the yelps of surprise died away the companions found themselves staring at the smoking remains of what had once been Tidus' shoes. There was on sign of the blond (I.e. blackened chunks or scattered ashes).
"Oh!" Yuna gasped in horror, covering her mouth with a slender hand. "Stand back, I'm going to use Full-Life!" she said, pulling out her Nirvana Staff.
"Put that away!" Auron barked gruffly, a hint of panic in his voice. "What are you thinking, swinging a metal rod around in a storm? Besides," he continued, muttering into his collar "That spell costs 60 MP."
"Here, I'll use a Phoenix Down." Wakka offered, tossing a phial on the still smoking shoes. Everyone waited for several seconds while absolutely nothing happened.
"Yunie…" Rikku quavered uncertainly, clutching her cousin's arm while the young Summoner stared at the charred ground. A heavy silence was just settling itself over the group when a small, insistent sound caught Rikku's attention.
"Pssst! Pssst! Hey, could somebody bring me my shoes?"
Rikku tried to look in several directions at once, giving herself the appearance of a startled chicken. Spotting a flash of yellow, she shrieked in glee. "There he is!"
Relief washed through the group, instigating a synchronized sag as the tension ran out.
"You were worried." Lulu teased Auron as Yuna, Wakka, and Rikku ran to where Tidus was crouched behind a boulder.
"No," The older Guardian replied after a moment. "Just hopeful."
After putting on his much abused shoes, Tidus inspected the large rock he had taken refuge behind. "It's a magic Cactaur Stone." Rikku chirped excitedly. You could tell it was a Cactaur Stone by the graffiti scrawled on it (which was probably pornographic if you turned your head to the right and squinted. Most of it is). Yes, even Spira has graffiti. It can be seen scrawled in bathroom walls, signs, and even on the mountain faces (in really big letters). Graffiti had gotten so bad, that after having to repaint the Celcius five times, Cid put out a petition that led to the enactment of a law concerning graffiti. The law stated that if the delinquents wanted to tag anything, they at least had to include an awesome graphic and write their message in Al Bhed (which at least looked decorative). Incidentally, the graffiti on the wall in the Auroch's locker room was written by Keepa, and is a note to the janitor stating 'Third toilet from the right is bunged up. Call Roto Rooter.'
"Can we please leave now?" Lulu inquired archly as her patience fizzled out. " I'm soaked, tired, and I need a shower."
Tidus couldn't stop himself. His mouth opened of it's own volition as it experienced a sudden bout of verbal diarrhea. "You sure do! I can smell you from here."
Kimahri's fur stood on end in an uncontrollable panic reaction. The boy was insane! The Ronso started to edge away from the Black Mage, noticing that his companions were doing the same. Wakka, after living with Lulu for so many years, as perfected his method of escape down to an art. He could sidle away faster than a crab on a skillet.
"What?" Lulu asked in an eerily sweet voice that sent Auron 'hurrying' away shamelessly. Unable to hear the mental countdown going on in Lulu's head, Tidus replied "I said 'I can smell you from here.'" he dug in his bag for a moment then said "Do you want bar soap, or shower gel, 'cause I've got both--!"
Lulu was suddenly one inch (that's 2.54 centimeters) away, and tightly pinching Tidus through his shirt. His eyes went wide and he squeaked in a satisfying way. It was in no way an ordinary kind of pinch. This was the Grandma Pinch. My older readers should know what the Grandma Pinch is. This was before someone decided that parents shouldn't punish their children for doing something wrong. Remember when you were about four or five, and you did something wrong (or dangerous) that really made your grandma mad? If she was like my grandma, she would grab your skin between thumb and forefinger and not just pinch, but twist. That is the Grandma Pinch. It stung like a thousand bees and left a bruise, but you never did what ever it was you did, again. Ahh, the good old days!
" If you don't shut up, I'm going to kick you so hard that Jecht will be floating around with a limp. Get what I'm saying?" Lulu hissed savagely before letting go.
"Loud and clear." Tidus squeaked.
Drawn by the commotion, an Iron Giant leaped out at Lulu and Tidus, brandishing its sword. Lulu turned a gimlet gaze on it as it lumbered towards them. The fiend stumbled to a halt under the scathing glare and stood with its sword half raised in uncertainty. After a moment more of broiling in its own armor under the heat of the mage's gaze, it began fidgeting like a naughty child.
"Bugger off." Lulu snapped. The Iron Giant dropped its sword and fled.
"Here they come." Wakka called, scrambling down from the boulder he was using as a crow's nest. Seated outside the Travel Agency, Yuna and her four remaining Guardians were patiently waiting for the end of Hurricane Lulu.
"They?" Auron asked from where he was slouching against the door, projecting an air of ultimate cool (Some people got it, some people don't). "You mean, she didn't kill him?"
"Yep. He's walking next to her, and without a limp, too." Wakka replied.
"Hmph! Lulu must be getting soft." Auron snorted.
"Shh-hh! She's coming." Rikku hissed.
Lulu swept into their midst with Tidus in tow, trailing in her wake like a nervous boat. Auron was about to make a snide comment about the Black Mage (being Unsent has its advantages, like not having to worry about trivial things like bodily harm), when Rikku pointed excitedly and cried "Look, how cute!" somehow managing to pronounce the italics.
Nothing can cause the kind of panic that those three little words can when used by a female. It's the heart-racing, dry-mouthed, sweating bullets panic that men experience when their girl sees something cute. This simple phrase is usually followed by the man ending up a) buying said object, b) carrying it, c) wearing it, or d) all of the above.
"Oh, how adorable! ('kawaii', if you know Japanese)" Yuna gasped and made ready to run. Auron managed to grab both girls firmly by an arm as they tried to run past him and inspect the cactaur that had appeared across from the Agency.
"Don't look at it," he said in an almost pleading tone. " They're like strays. If you touch one, you'll never get rid of it. Just back away slowly and don't make eye contact."
It was too late. Noticing that it was being adored, the little green succulent scooted up to the trio. It set down a small tin cup and held up a cardboard sign on which was scrawled in red crayon 'Will dance fro gil'(no, it did not have punctuation.)
Auron was hit by a double 'wobbly eye' from both sides.
"Can we keep it?"
"Please?"
"No." The Warrior Monk replied in what he hoped was a firm tone.
"Pleeeaaasseee?"
Auron glanced at the two girls, then down at the cactaur. It held up its sign and squeaked hopefully.
"Push off, you!" Auron snapped.
Undeterred, the ambulating cactus did a little dance, which left Yuna and Rikku tickled pink. Auron began to waver. He never had been any good at telling Yuna no.
Seeing that his fellow 'Y' chromosome sharing human was falling victim to the Batting Eyelashes and Puppy Eyes combo, Tidus came to the rescue. Besides, that little cactaur was the same jerk who stole his crayons. Taking a running start, Tidus punted the cactaur. It was an impressive kick, and it sent the creature sailing off down the road.
"Yessss!" Tidus crowed, noticing that his enemy had dropped battle loot. "My crayons!" he said excitedly as he scooped them up and did his victory sequence.
"Stop doing that before you chop someone's arm off!" Lulu snapped as Tidus' sword sliced by her face. Pouting, Tidus put his sword away and did his Victory Dance, which he knew Auron hated. The dance was cut short as his orbit brought him face to face with two very unhappy girls.
You could have cut steel with the looks Rikku and Yuna were giving Tidus. The boy shuffled nervously. Yuna turned her back on him and flounced off, sweeping Kimahri up in her wake. Tidus had no idea what he had done wrong. And that is how most women prefer to keep it. A guy can say or do something that seems innocuous to him, but suddenly he finds himself getting dirty looks (and not the regular 'dirty' either. I mean the 'wicker toilet seat' degree of dirty), and the silent treatment. Next thing he knows, he's in Big trouble, having apparently Done Something Wrong. The woman will never tell the man what he's done , either. He's supposed to 'just know', or 'figure it out'.
"What!" Tidus asked. "What'd I do?"
"Meanie!" Rikku snapped before flouncing off as well.
"Sucks to be you, brudda." Wakka muttered in sympathy as he followed Auron inside the Travel Agency.
Everybody do the Lucky Dance!