Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 7
Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). Rest is in sight as Yuna, Party of Seven, crowd into the Travel Agency.
Djose Temple - Great Hall - Everyone has just been informed that there is no room at the temple or the Inn because the band, their crew, and bodyguards have rented all the rooms.
"So the entire temple is being rented by a band?" Auron said stoically. "Is it safe to assume that the Inn is full of -"
"Their loyal fans." Lulu interjected sourly.
"A band!" Rikku gasped excitedly.
"Yeah," Donna sniffed, "it's the latest new craze in music. They're a group of teen boys -"
"Oh great! Tidus said with an almighty groan, his eyes rolling to the ceiling, "a boy band." The last was said vehemently.
"What's a boy band?" Wakka asked curiously.
"It's a group of three to five thirteen year old boys who moan into a microphone. They're a huge hit until they suddenly hit puberty, quit until their voices stop cracking, then come back with a vengeance. They're outrageously famous, start dressing like freaks, piercing every available inch of lip, nose, and earlobe, not to mention more tender areas, then turn twenty and fade into obscurity."
Tidus' companions listened with rapt and confused attention as the blond explained the horrors of the 'boy band'.
"Girls from the ages of seven to nineteen go nuts over them and start fighting over who so-and-so likes better, even though the guy doesn't even know she exists! 'He likes me better because he likes girls with brown eyes' and He likes me more because I have short hair.' Its just retarded! At their concerts the girls scream so loud you can't even hear the music, throw their underwear on stage, then either cry or faint."
The young blitz ball star's rant was cut short as the doors to the temple burst open and four young teens eclipsed the doorway.
"Oh Yevon, Its NoSync!!!" Rikku squealed. The crowd turned as one and surged towards NoSync with a fanatic roar. Yuna's party was swept up in the rush. "Donnaaaaaa!" Barthello bellowed as his Summoner was carried off. He climbed up the leg of the nearest temple statue (which happened to be one dedicated to Gida, a male Summoner who had been known as somewhat of a lady killer. His lower region provided Barthello with an excellent hand up.) Hauling himself up, the heavily muscled Guardian paused to strike a dramatic pose on Gida's nether region, then dove into the surging crowd with all the grace of a dead beaver. The crowd parted ranks just long enough to allow him to get to know the temple floor on a rather intimate level, then filled in the gap.
Tidus managed to grab both Rikku and Yuna as they were swept past. He braced himself against the flow of bodies and hauled with all his might until they were tossed against a pillar. Gasping and flailing, the trio were forcefully Ejected from the stampede and huddled behind the safety of the pillar. He scanned the surging herd and spotted Wakka and Lulu peering out from behind a shielding statue, but there was no sign of Kimahri. There was an occasional sign of Auron in the form of a desperately waving arm or brief flash of red as the mob heaved over and around him.
As quickly as it had come, the stampede of females passed and crashed into the waiting band, leaving Yuna and her party dazed and shaken.
"How horrible!" Yuna whispered, in horrified amazement as the girls screamed and began tearing off every loose article of clothing.
"Disgraceful." Lulu snarled acidly, her and Wakka venturing out from the safety of their hiding place. The scene before them was just like Tidus had described it. Girls were screaming, fainting, tearing off their clothes and climbing over each other to get to the front. It looked like someone had thrown a Hershey's bar into the middle of a group of half starved underwear models.
Yuna looked up as a small rain of rock and plaster pattered down around her to see Kimahri clinging at the top of a pillar. He skittered down the pillar and landed with self-conscious clicking of claws, then hissed at the hysterical mob. The Guardianship jumped at the sound of running feet behind them, then relaxed as a stream of priests and nuns rushed by to restore order, or in the novice priests' case, ogle the young women.
"Oh, Sir Auron!" Yuna gasped, finally noticing his trampled form in the middle of the floor. She rushed over and knelt beside him as he calmly pushed himself to his knees. That little vein on his forehead was twitching, and he seemed utterly unperturbed. These were not good signs. He waved her away as she tried to help him up, cheerfully insisting that he was fine as he took time to smooth down his disheveled coat.
Yuna turned a worried look to her companions, and found them all sheltering behind the pillar. The young Summoner suddenly felt a knot of dread twist her stomach. Someone was about to take a trip down Auron's Highway of Rage (which had recently acquired some rather deep potholes filled with muddy water that hid wickedly rusty nails). He glanced casually towards the door to the Anteroom, where the priests and nuns were pouring out of. To Yuna's utter horror the Legendary Guardian snaked out a leg and tripped the High priest as he limped by.
Auron rarely lost his temper, at least outwardly. He preferred to bundle his irritation into a neat little packet and let it steep in the heat of anger until it was just about to boil. The result was a cold, condensed anger that was much more useful than blazing hot rage. This was anger that could think.
"Oh, are you alright? That was a nasty fall you just took there." Auron said conversationally, as he helped the old man up and generously helped brush him down and adjust his vestments (that means clothes).
"Say there, friend, you wouldn't happen to have any spare rooms the High Summoner Lady Yuna could borrow for the night would you?" he inquired. Tidus shivered involuntarily from behind the safety of Kimahri's bulk. Auron using the word 'friend' in such a cheerful way carried with it all the horror of being home alone, showering and seeing a shadow rise against the curtain at the same time you remembered that you forgot to lock the front door. Scary stuff. (Insert classic horror-movie soundtrack.)
"I'm very sorry, sir, but all the rooms are spoken for. These nice lads reserved them several weeks ago." the elderly priest mumbled.
"I see." the Legendary Guardian paused with an exaggerated frown. So, reserved meant 'paid for'. They must have offered quite a bit of gil to reserve the entire temple.
"I guess the High Summoner isn't as well respected anymore." said Auron, making a great show of thinking aloud. The priest swallowed nervously.
"If I'd have known that travelers could hold a room, I'd have reserved (here the warrior monk spat the word like a curse) one myself. Let the Summoners fend for themselves!"
"Um…yes?" the wizened man ventured, unsure of exactly where the conversation was going.
Hmf! The High Summoner can sleep in the Chamber of the Fayth! I'm sure Ixion's Fayth would be glad of the company." Auron continued in that same unnervingly cheerful tone.
"Who cares if she has to sleep on the cold, hard floor, right?" he advanced threateningly until he was chest to nose with the ancient man.
"Right?" he repeated as he loomed over the little priest, a terrible smile stretching across his face, causing a unsettling ripple in his scar. The old man's Adam's apple bobbed like a frightened quail. He'd only ever seen a smile like that on a Chocobo Eater. There were a few less scales, but that smile was definitely the same.
Terror and an intense desire to continue living dredged up a dusty tome from memory. The words 'Yevon's 101 tricks for Staying Alive' was stamped in peeling gold leaf on the cracked and moldy cover (which was made from the skin of infidels, which was the only proper way to bind any holy text). Number 15 seemed appropriate.
Yuna and her friends made various sounds (gasps, croaks, screams, chokes, whimpers, and in some cases farts) of shock and/or surprise as the elderly priest made a sound like a crow being run over by a lawn mower, and collapsed on the floor. The group's immediate reaction was to take one large, synchronized step back. The second was to look around incase others had seen. Fortunately, most of the mob was involved in a riot that had broken out after one of the band members wiped his face on a hankie, then tossed it into the crowd. Apparently celebrity sweat is highly collectable.
"Hey, old man," Tidus whispered to Auron. "I think he's dead!" A leaden silence thudded down on their small group, accompanied by the We're-In-Trouble feeling. Auron frowned at the fallen priest, unconvinced, while Wakka gently prodded the old man with the end of Yuna's staff.
"Let's go before someone sees us." Tidus urged. His instincts were screaming that right about now they should be shoving their hands into their pockets while walking nonchalantly away, and possibly whistling.
"You're not dead." Auron said, a tad disappointed. "Look, I can see you breathing."
"Yeah," Wakka added. "and I just saw you peek at us!" Auron snorted, "Look, I'm Unsent. I'd know if you were dead. We Unsent can tell." He looked to Kimahri just to be sure. The Ronso stalked over and crouched down next to the supine priest, who to his credit didn't even twitch. Kimahri sniffed him, snorted, then shook his head. The guy smelled like all old men his age (mostly because the urge to bathe daily becomes a matter of feeling like it), but he didn't smell dead.
Yuna sighed, realizing that this could go on for hours, and decided to put a stop to it.
"Sir Auron, we're leaving." she said in what she hoped was a voice filled with the weight of authority. Then without waiting to see if he followed or not, herded the rest of her Guardians out.
"This is ridiculous!" Auron grumbled to himself, storming out of the temple to join his companions. "A Summoner shouldn't be turned out because a bunch of pimply faced, thumb-sucking little Sand Rats decide to take a world tour. As he stomped by the Supply facility, he spied the little Cactuar, still begging for gil. He briefly considered an idea that suddenly struck him. A suddenly passing cloud sent a little ray of sunshine to fall on the Cactuar. It was as if the gods of Vengeance were saying go for it man!
The older Guardian beckoned to the Cactuar, holding out a whole handful of gil (which he had no qualms about spending since it belonged to Tidus anyway).
"This is from the Lady Yuna," he said as the cactus scooted up. "who really liked your dance. She was going to invite you to dance for the temple and pass around the old offering pan afterwards, but…" Auron paused for dramatic effect. " Then she found out that those boys over there (he pointed to the band as the temple doors slowly closed) crack open Cactuars and drink their juices."
The little Cactuar squeaked in horror. "Yeah, its disgusting." Auron continued, "Then they rip the adorable little flowers off the girls' heads and make souvenirs out of them." The succulent squealed and covered its little flower protectively. "Lady Yuna told them it was wrong, but the priests kicked her out of the temple. Well, see you later." Auron patted the ambulating cactus on the head and marched away, grinning into his collar.
As he left, the Cactuar flipped in the air and scuttled malevolently towards the temple. Auron was just catching up to his party when the air was filled with the screams of a lot of people trying to avoid a lot of Cactaur spines.
The veteran Guardian relaxed somewhat, the boiling pot of anger just starting to simmer down. It shot back up to near flash point as Tidus started to try to cheer up Yuna, by doing the Happy Dance, which was a lot like the Lucky Dance, only stupider. "Don't worry Yuna," Tidus said cheerfully, daring to pat Yuna on the shoulder in the presence of Kimahri. " We can always stay at Mi'ihen!" Tidus had forgotten about the prank he and Rikku had played on Auron a long time ago, but Auron hadn't. Yuna and Wakka desperately tried to cover the blond boy's mouth as if they could somehow trap the words before they reached Auron's ears. But it was too late, the words splashed into the seething cauldron of distilled rage and set off an unstoppable chemical reaction…
"Mi'ihen!" the Legendary Guardian roared, then promptly exploded with a sound like a fireworks festival in full swing.
"Quick!" Wakka screamed, ducking and dodging the shower of pyre flies as he ran with his arms over his head. "Run before he pulls himself together!"
Kimahri sprinted past as pyre flies whizzed by, fur standing on end, with a girl under each arm and one hanging from his neck. Tidus was already a speck in the distance, a flaming line of dirt marking his passing as he cast Hastega on himself. It would take Auron a while to pull himself together, but when he did, there was going to be a whole lot of travelers on his Highway of Rage.
End.
I apologize for the horrible band name. I know it's not very original. In case I did offend anyone who likes boy bands, I confess that I like the BackStreet Boys. And to make it up to you, have some complimentary NoSync tickets on me!