A/N: Hi there. This is a prequel to my story 'One Last Smoke.' Hope you enjoy :o)
There's something…nagging at the back of my head, something that gets to me through the endless, blissful darkness of sleep, and at first I ignore it. But it gets louder and louder, and soon my eyes flutter open reluctantly and I resurface from sleep, trying to get my bearings.
I'm in my own bed, which is…usually good, and I notice (with a small amount of regret) that a) I'm not naked, just wearing a t-shirt and shorts and b) there is no one there beside me. So no change there then. I don't have to look at the clock to know it is ridiculously early; it's still dark out, the sound of sirens and dogs and shouts coming from the street below. But that's not what has woken me…it's something else, something muffled, something god damn annoying and I don't know what the hell it is.
Squeezing my eyes shut for a moment, I let out a groan as I realise I won't be able to go back to sleep, and it's only about 6 hours before I have to get up and go to work, and I feel like shit, and I still can't work out what that noise is using minimum effort, so I have to get up.
Everything looks a little blurry when I'm on my feet, and I try to remember if I have been drinking at all, but I'm pretty sure I'd feel far worse if I had been.
Finally I realise what that God awful noise is.
Someone is knocking on the door of the apartment.
No, not knocking. Hammering. Pounding.
I'm almost fully awake by this point, so I leave my room, agitated, hair sticking out haphazardly, and part of my subconscious knows that it's Joey. He disappeared earlier with some insanely beautiful girl and now he's back after another night of sex, and he doesn't even have to be in the room yet I feel like he's rubbing it in my face. He's left them pretty early this time, even for him. Usually he sticks around at least until it's light out, then comes striding back through the door with an annoying, lazy grin on his face, leaving said beautiful girl sleepy and confused in an empty bed.
His life is perfectly simple like that.
Running a hand through my hair and letting out a sigh that is drenched in misery, even for me, I yank open the door.
"Man, for God's sake can't you remember your damn keys for- "
I am silenced into shock for a moment when I see who it is.
"Rach?"
She's been crying. She looks terrible, her hair slightly matted and messy, her eyes red, and she looks at me intensely. Like she hates me, in awe of me, like she's trying to figure something out. Looking at her I mentally run through the day, trying to work out what has lead her here, and I suddenly remember Cloe…and that's all I need to know. That explains her tears, the sight of which is doing strange things to my stomach.
It still doesn't explain why she's standing here though.
"Rach, what is it?" I say, now fully awake as I realise with a sick feeling that something terrible must have happened. "What's wrong, what's happened?"
I look beyond her into the empty hallway as if doing so will answer my question, but before I can comprehend what is happening she is pushing me firmly back inside and closing the door behind her, locking it at the catch.
A part of me is convinced that ths is some kind of bizarre dream, but a more logical voice is screaming that it is in fact real, and she's looking up at me now with such a strange expression on her face, but the longing in her eyes is hard to ignore. For some reason I feel totally exposed.
"What are you doing?" I say, my voice lower than I had intended it to be, and suddenly I panic because I can see what she is about to do before she does it.
She steps impossibly close to me, and from this distance I smell alcohol on her breath. Placing her hands on my face and freezing me to the spot, she simply whispers "Don't talk." before she kisses me.
For a brief moment, I am lost. My mind empties of rational thought and I indulge in this stunning woman in my arms, in my empty apartment, in the dead of night, and realise there is something absurdly romantic and surreal about the whole situation, the kind of thing I would never dare get involved in. It feels right in this instant, and it feels good which is even more important, but before I give in and kiss her back it hits me with a deadening thud that it is Rachel.
Rachel.
I grab her arms and pull her off of me.
"No." I say, suddenly and inexplicably out of breath, which is strange because the kiss must have only been a few seconds long. "Stop it."
I try to say it with as much force as I can muster but it seems she has removed all oxygen from my lungs. She looks at me again with that frightening intensity, and now her eyes are full of tears. She is silently pleading with me, her hands now woven into my hair, gripping it almost, and it's hard not to just get lost in her again.
"You're drunk." I tell her, voicing my thoughts aloud. "You don't…Ross- "
She almost gasps at that and pulls me closer, glaring at me now. I don't think I've ever seen such fury or pain this close before. The tears are falling down her cheeks now.
"Don't. Talk." She says again, with a sense of finality.
She kisses me again but this time I see it coming. With more force, I grip her arms and push her away holding her at arms length.
"Rachel." I say, my voice full of authority which surprises me. "Don't."
She looks as though she has just been slapped. Trying to control her breathing, she slowly begins to nod and I loosen my grip on her arms slightly, not quite sure what to do. Her face almost collapses in on itself and she lets out a choked sob which makes my own throat sore, and I notice that I am on the verge of tears myself.
How pathetic.
"Oh…" she sighs painfully, sniffing and pressing her hands to her face. "You're right…you're right…"
"Hey…it's alright." I mutter, placing a hand on her face and brushing away her tears with my thumb. "It's O.K."
She seems mortified now as she gazes up at me with an expression on her face close to horror.
"I'm so sorry." She says with alarming sincerity and I don't know what to feel. Relieved…disappointed.
Instead of replying, I pull her close into a hug and let her cry into my t-shirt.
I briefly wonder how this could affect our friendship, before focusing more on the thought that this may be the first time I have ever turned down a willing, beautiful woman.
God, I'm an idiot.
I feel pretty shaken by the whole ordeal and hold her a bit tighter than I should do, and I then think that I'm not the idiot here, Ross is.
"Ross is an idiot." I murmur. She lets out a noise which is a cross between a sob and a laugh, then sighs heavily again, which does strange things to me. Maybe I'm not so strong. Maybe if this situation wasn't so cruel I would have had her already.
As she pulls away she can't look at me, and I hope she doesn't because I really feel like kissing her now. I've always thought she was beautiful, you know, the kind of woman you see on the street and you have to actually stop walking and blink a couple of times. Because women this beautiful don't exist in my world.
I have to remind myself that she belongs to Ross, but a voice in my head is annoyingly shouting at me that Ross had his chance with her and blew it spectacularly.
"Are you gonna be O.K?" I say, not trusting myself to do anything else.
She sighs again and I almost lose it.
"Yeah." She says, still looking at her feet. She sways slightly and I realise she must be incredibly drunk, and think myself even more of an idiot that I hadn't worked that out already. "Yes…I'll be fine."
She looks at me, smiling slightly, and my heart does a sickening, worrying lurch because I relieve the last few moments in my head, but this time skipping out every reason why it shouldn't happen.
This turmoil must be on my face, because she's not smiling anymore.
Ross had his chance with her and blew it spectacularly
I initiate the kiss this time, and she doesn't refuse. I like to think she's not that drunk, that a part of her does want this, maybe wants me, and that thought is the one that keeps me going, keeps me clinging to her as she kisses me back and still doesn't refuse me, doesn't say no as I lead her towards my room.
In secluded darkness now, I am totally and utterly lost, and the two of us collide with an almost shattering force. An image of Ross appears in my head but I push it down and kiss her harder, my hands finding their way onto her hips and I think this could be the most passionate situation I have ever found myself in. The voice in my head that is telling me how wrong this all is only encourages me to go further, and when she lets out another sigh I wonder how I haven't fallen in love with her already.
Just as she bites down on my lip, someone knocks at the door again.
We both freeze.
Both our breathing sounds almost deafening, and we stare at each other in horror, neither of us quite believing how we have ended up here.
"Chandler?"
It's Ross.
"Oh God…" I say, almost moaning, guilt already pouring down on me like tar. Rachel, however, simply silences me with a hand over my lips, not making an attempt to leave, pressing herself as close as she can to me as if that will solve all these problems that have suddenly surfaced.
"Chandler? You there man?"
He sounds miserable, alone, looking for a friend.
A friend. Me.
"Oh God…" I say again, my voice hoarse, and I try to pull away from her but she doesn't let me, and I can feel that guilt crawling all over me like some kind of disease, and my breathing becomes labored-
"Shhhh…" Rachel whispers, both hands cupping my face, "He'll leave. He'll leave."
Her voice sounds bitter, hate filled, and I close my eyes, pretending I'm somewhere else and this is some other beautiful woman in my arms, that my best friend isn't knocking on my door at 2:00am, that everything is just normal.
But who am I kidding…since when has my life been normal…
The knocking slows, and eventually disappears. We are alone again but the moment is lost. I can't do this.
"Leave." I say, my voice shaking. She hesitates slightly, still clinging to my shirt, but finally nods, and I can't look at her anymore. She sounds disappointed, or maybe that's me being hopeful again, but she leaves anyway, leaving me cold as her body peels away from my own.I don't tear my eyes away from my feet as I hear her shuffle quietly out of my room at out of the apartment. I even hear her open the door to her own home, then close it behind her.
I sink onto my bed, letting my head fall into my hands. Now I am alone, I can try and convince myself that none of that really happened, as I know that's how we will end up acting tomorrow.
I have never needed a cigarette more in my life.