Wow. Just wow. Sometimes I'm crazy. I mean really, sometimes I just go through these bouts of madness and do stupid things. "What have you done?" my mother yells at me. I'm not even sure myself, I don't think what I did was stupid or bad or anything, it seemed like a great idea at the time, and it still does.
There are so many flaws in me. I wasn't great in school, I'm loud, I like to get smashed, I'm impulsive, arrogant, pig-headed, stupid, crazy (as mentioned before), and any other words Lily Evans/Potter used to call James Potter before they "fell in love." I'm kind of like the female version of James Potter, I have great friends, Im a Quiditch player, completely full of myself, except I don't have a fan club of girls stalking me. The only other distinction between me and Potter is that he "fell (gracefully) in love." Me? I'll probably crash into it, knock a few building down in the process, and end up killing a few bystanders. I vaguely remember getting completely smashed at James' and Lily's wedding and flirting with Gideon Prewett. It's just the way it is with me around, people figure that out fast. I wasn't exactly popular in school, but I got a fair share of guys asking me to Hogsmead trips, (even Sirius black himself!) but they all figured out that I was more of a buddy, or that I was stark raving mad and why the hell did they go out with me in the first place? Some of them were scared because I took control, and because I did things out on a limb. People see me, and they like what they see, but when they get to know me, their "assessment" of me was totally wrong, and they're disappointed. I hate that, the fact that I disappoint people, just by being my own fucked up self.
But this isn't about love or anything like that, it's about You-Know-Who rising to power and what we good witches and wizards are doing to stop him. I may have done the greatest or dumbest thing in my entire life. I've become an active fighter against Voldemort. It's great 'cause I'm doing something with my life, something proactive and good, it's bad because not only am I gambling with my life, but I've just signed my family up for the death penalty too. That was stupid. I really don't have a reason to be involved in this war, I'm pureblood, and while my family and I like muggle borns, we don't really put it out there like the Weasley's do.
I really don't have a legit reason for fighting him, not a personal reason like James Potter or Sirius Black does, I'm not fighting because my friends are fighting like Peter Pettigrew. I don't want to be remembered by future people for dying a hero like those crazy Prewett brothers. I guess for once I wanna do the right thing. I don't want people to be disappointed in me anymore. I'm not being unrealistic, I don't want people to fawn over me or anything, I just don't want the pitting smiles or the frustrating frowns. I should have used my head though, I was stupid, now my family who had nothing to do with this may be targeted because I didn't think. I guess even if everyone else isn't disappointed in you, you are.