Disclaimer: The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine.

The Upside of Down

Part Five

By, Elissahara30

I think I must have stopped breathing because I felt Carlos nudge me and I sucked in an unsteady breath. "Children!" I squeaked.

I woke up with a start and put a hand over my mouth to keep from crying. It was the same scene over and over again. I could almost say it word for word now. I closed my eyes and worked hard on suppressing the tears that wanted to fall. I tried not to wake Joe, so I carefully got out of bed and headed down the stairs to the kitchen.

Four months ago I had given up my apartment knowing I could never go back there. Four months ago I let Joe Morelli talk me into moving in with him. And four months I have regretted it every day. I loved Joe, with all my heart I loved him, but . . . I felt a huge piece of me was missing.

I had quite bounty hunting, and decided that I needed time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I spoke very little to Lula and Connie, but both seemed to understand my grief and for that I was grateful.

I continued to dream of my life with Carlos, learning about a man that never existed and finding myself longing more and more for Ranger. I looked out the kitchen window, it was still dark outside. How fitting that it matched what my heart currently felt like. Most of my waking days, I spent just going through the motions of life, and not really living it.

There are days that I find myself on Haywood, staring at Ranger's building. I finger the key fob with his apartment key still attached. I knew he wouldn't be there, but there was that urge go up the elevator to the seventh floor and to see for myself. If I close my eyes, I can just imagine him standing there in his SWATS, arms crossed over his chest. His eyebrow raised, and the slight smile touching his lips.

I bent my head and heaved a heavy sigh. I felt Joe come up behind me and pull me against his chest. He wrapped his warm arms around me and I just let him comfort me. "Another bad night?" He whispered in my ear.

"Yes," I said just as softly.

"I'm really beginning to think you need to see someone about these dreams Stephanie." I felt myself stiffen in his arms and he just tightened his hold on me. "Cupcake, I just want you to feel better."

I pushed myself away from Joe and started to feel my temper rise, "There is nothing wrong with me Joe; I just need time."

"You've been here for four months and I feel like I'm living with a stranger. You keep this wall between us. Damn it! Its time to move on, Stephanie!" Joe stepped toward me and I found myself taking a step back.

I felt myself sag and I turned my back on Morelli, "It's not that easy Joe."

"Cupcake, I feel like I'm fighting for your attention with a ghost." I could hear him pleading with me and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from my heartache, I wanted to run away from my dreams. But most importantly, I wanted to run away from myself.

I tried to suppress the tears that wanted to flow, but it was a losing battle. I wrapped my arms around my self. "What do you want from me?"

Morelli put his hand on my shoulders and turned me around facing him, his brown eyes looked weary and sad. He frowned and he gently touched my face, "I'm trying so hard to understand. I know you loved him, as much as it hurts me to admit that to myself I have to accept it. I love you, and I want you to be happy."

I felt so bad inside, here was a man that loved me and I loved in return, but I couldn't help but want someone else. It took loosing Ranger for me to realize how much I really loved these two men and how much it affected me. Joe was my comfort, a link to my childhood, a life line for home. Ranger had been my courage, my heart and my soul and I felt like I was lost at sea without hope of rescue, just waiting to drown in my misery without him.

"I think I've forgotten what its like to be happy." I cried, Morelli pulled me to him and held me close. I needed to barrow his strength right now. He sighed into my hair, and just rocked me back and forth offering that life line.

TBC . . . . .

A/N: I know this story is really confusing, but eventually it will start to make sense. Just be patient.