Disclaimer: The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine.

The Upside of Down

Part Seven

By, Elissahara30

I was surprised when Carlos bent down and kissed me joyfully, and I let myself wonder at how lovely it was to be here. He pulled back with the laughter still in his eyes, and I couldn't help but fall away and feel the love for Ranger transpose on my imaginary husband. I reached out my hand and touched Carlos' face and tried to convey the feelings that were in me now.

And I closed my eyes and said, "I love you."

The chilly wind blew through my hair as I made my way across the green grass toward Ranger's grave. I hadn't been here since his funeral, but I felt I needed to come. I stopped once I reached my destination and I held the solitary rose in my hand and brought it to my nose and I inhaled deeply. I closed my eyes as a single tear slid down my cheek. Rubbing the tender soft petals on my face my mind drifted back to the feel of Jack's little hands touching my cheek. Had all that only been a dream?

I opened my eyes and looked at the granite stone at my feet. I crouched down and laid the rose on the grave and with hesitant trembling fingers I outlined the Ranger's name on the grave marker. "I miss you," I said softly.

"You loved my son very much, didn't you?" asked a person behind me.

I stood up quickly and turned, "Mrs. Manoso, you surprised me."

Mrs. Manoso was a small woman, maybe five foot three at most, and her once dark black hair was liberally peppered with gray. Her skin was dark, and her face held that time warn look that I imagine came from raising six children. She regarded me with her dark eyes that looked so much like Rangers.

Ranger's mother smiled at me sadly, "I had hoped one day Carlos would have found someone," she walked closer to me and took my hand in hers, "I just wish I could have met you under better circumstances."

I turned my head from her intense gaze, I didn't take my hands from hers, "I'm sorry for your loss," I said brokenly.

She touched my cheek and gently replied, "We both lost him."

Somehow I wasn't surprised by Ranger's mother. She reminded me of Ranger and of Julie and I can see where he got his strength from, for even though Mrs. Manoso was small in stature, she struck me as someone who tall in spirit. What do you say to a person like this, I have no experience with this sort of understanding and it made feel so inadequate.

"No parent should have to burry their child, no matter how old they are," she softly said to me. She gathered me into her arms, and I leaned into her embrace. "He had told me about you and I was always curious, but he guarded his secrets well and so I waited." Those words made me start to cry harder and she said soothing words in my ears.

She led me to a near by bench and sat us down and I continued to lean on her. "Carlos was such a busy child, who never seemed happy with who he was," she looked off, as if seeing another time and place. "He would always get in trouble, and with five other children to raise, I didn't always have the energy to be patient with him."

"He turned out to be a good man," I said quietly.

"Yes, he did. But he was always distant, even before the military." Mrs. Manoso paused as if weighing her words. "I can't help thinking I had failed him." She turned her solemn gaze to me, "I feel maybe if I had been a better mother, he wouldn't have felt the need to push so hard to put a wall between him and the rest of the family that he wouldn't have pushed at keeping his own daughter out of his life."

My chest tightened at her words. And a felt a little shame creep up on me, thinking that the only reason he didn't share details about himself with me was because he didn't want me to know that part of his life. "He had a dangerous life style," I said.

"Hmm," was her only response to me. For the longest time we just sat there side by side lost in our own thoughts.

"Ranger was the only man I knew, who really understood me." I started to fidget with my hands, trying to tell this woman what it was that I saw in her son. "No matter how many times I screwed up or how many cars that I destroyed or how many times that his men had stuck their necks out for me because he ordered it, he always offered his reassurance and support." I smiled wistfully as I remembered all the times Ranger had told me, 'Proud of you Babe.' I shook myself and sighed heavily, "I was afraid of what I felt for him, and I'm so angry that I never got a chance to tell him while he was alive."

Ranger's mother nodded her head, "I think he knew."

My heart constricted with her words and I wanted to argue. How could he know how much I felt, when I was always in the arms of another man? I started to stand and make excuses to go, I just couldn't be here any longer. I stood up abruptly and ran out of the cemetery not even caring how it looked to Ranger's mother. I just couldn't sit there and let her think that I was more to her son. That we had something that just didn't exist.

When Ranger had lived we kept a barrier between us. Either physically or emotionally and I will always regret not being brave enough to really see what it was we could have had. I kept my head down as I unlocked my car and got in. I leaned my head against the steering wheel and felt a leaden weight in my stomach. "Why Ranger? Why did you have to make me love you?"

TBC . . . . .