Disclaimer: The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine.
The Upside of DownPart Ten
By, Elissahara30
In the space of minutes two shots were fired. I stood there in shock as the guy fell to the floor bleeding and I started to see black dots dance before my eyes and my head was spinning. The clerk tried to talk to me, but the words seemed garbled, I swayed unsteadily on my feet. I looked down at my hands and realized that I was shot too. I sat down hard on the floor, and looked out where the mother was consoling her little daughter. The only thought that went through my mind before every fell into darkness was, she's the same age as Jack.
I was bathed in warm golden light. The warmth felt like the tender caress of a lover and I purred with happiness. The air sparkled and shimmered with fairy dust. I wanted to dance and laugh. I laughed out loud as I felt a smile pulling at my lips. I hugged my arms around myself as I danced to a song that I had heard on radio months ago.
A niggling little feeling tickled at the back of my mind and I stopped dancing around the room. The warm light flickered and wavered and the fair dust started to loose its magic. I shivered as some unknown breeze wafted over me and my fairy dust became tarnished. I continued to listen to the song as anger, sadness and loneliness crashed over me in waves. From the recesses of my mind, I suddenly remembered where I'd heard the song. It was when I had driven with Ranger on his hunt to find his daughter's kidnapper. The brief time I got to know him better and the time he was taken away from me.
My once warm and peaceful environment shattered into a million pieces of black glass and I found myself standing in a single circle of light. I looked around myself confused and dazed and more than a little afraid. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted movement.
"Who's there?" I asked nervously.
The movements continued to circle around me and I wanted to back up and run, but I realized I had no where to go. Where was I? Was I dead after all and this was some kind of hell I had to spend an eternity in?
"You're not dead." Called a voice from the darkness around me.
"Where am I?" I asked plaintively as I worked hard at stemming the panic that was threatening to bubble to the surface.
"You're safe," said the person who suddenly stood beside me. I jumped back and I pressed my hand against my chest as my heart nearly jumped into my throat.
"What the hell is going on?" I demanded.
She turned and looked at me and I couldn't help but stare. She was me! And I knew I had finally gone over the edge. Ranger's death had driven me crazy, I was hallucinating and I was sure somewhere I was most likely drooling in some mental hospital slurping jello with a straw.
"You're not crazy," she said softly. "This," she indicated the dark space around us, "is your subconscious."
I rolled my eyes at her, "I don't believe in this."
She gave me a condescending smile which made me grimace, "You can't run forever. As much as you try, you can't run from yourself."
If this was my subconscious than it was horridly empty and that was very depressing, "I don't seem to have much here?"
She looked at me with obvious delight dancing in her eyes, "There is so much to you, that it would be overwhelming if I showed it to you all at once." She turned and motioned around the dark expanse and like a movie montage pictures streamed all around me, "Here are your hopes, desires, your fears, memories and nightmares. All of it just waiting for you to acknowledge them."
"I really don't understand?" I said.
"Stephanie," she said to me patiently, "You've been dreaming for some time and I know you've realized what it was that I was trying to tell you. Do you understand now?"
I smiled at her bitterly, "That I have a family with a man that doesn't exist. What does that tell me other than the fact I want something I can't have."
"How do you know you can't have it?" She asked me.
I turned disbelieving eyes to the keeper of my subconscious, "He's dead." My chest tightened with anger as I turned my back on her. I wanted to cry, to scream to tear my hair out. This was so unfucking fair.
"Are you sure?" Her tone implanted doubt in my mind as I watched the pictures form around me. I watched as the images of Ranger floated forward and I smiled as I watched the very first time I had met Ranger I remembered being instantly attracted to him, but very intimidated at the same time. Out of everything about that day, I remember his smile the most, and he had earned my trust so quick. An unbidden thought struck me that Joe hadn't earned that kind of trust with for almost a year and a half.
So many images good and bad floated by all featuring Ranger. Then I noticed they seem to be progressing toward the end and I felt my chest constrict, "Stop," I whispered, I didn't want to see it all again. I couldn't handle witnessing his murder. "Stop, please," I begged as I felt the tears burn tracks down my cheeks. "STOP!" I screamed.
Too late. I was transported back to the day; I heard the door open and close, the soft sound of unhurried footsteps. The slight rustle of clothes and scuff of shoes on carpet. And then Ranger appeared in the living room. He had hands raised. He walked in knowing Scorg was there. And Scrog shot him.i
"NO!" I screamed at the images that were forever burned into my mind. One shot, then two, then three there were too many to count. I turned my head as Scrog accounted, "Execution time."
"Please," I cried softly, "I can't relive this again."
She touched my face and I lifted my tearful eyes and me her compassionate blue. "Tell me Stephanie, if you could do anything differently what would it be?"
"I'd . . . I'd tell him I loved him," I said brokenly.
She caressed my cheeks in a touch I had often associated with my mother. "Who do you love Stephanie? Who is it that you love so much that you are suffering now."
"Ranger," I admitted my eyes looking back at my memories of him.
"Why him?"
A smile played across my lips as I saw a memory come to mind. It floated up out of the blackness and I watched it all over again. It was when he was an FTA and he was in my apartment. We were on the floor, his hands so hot against my skin. His eyes were so intense, filled with desire and longing. I never realized it before how much I had wanted him, even then it was frightening to want someone that much.
"Is that all you feel for him, is sexual desire?" She asked me as the area once again faded into darkness.
I met her eyes without flinching, "He is more than that to me." I swallowed back the tears that threatened to choke me. "He was a person who made me feel like I could do anything. He always asked me what I thought, what I needed and quietly supported me. Even when he was out of town, he let me know that I was protected when I needed it." I turned away, "I tried to discount what he felt for me. I knew he loved me, and that he was just as scared as I."
Admitting all of this was painful, I had so many regrets. I hugged myself, but this time to fight back the coldness and comfort myself. "I need him."
I heard her walk up behind me, "Do you want Carlos, the dream or do you want Ranger."
"I liked the dream with Carlos, I won't lie about that. But I love Ranger, and he's the person I want back in my life." I turned and the images of the cemetery. A dissolute feeling swept through my heart as watched myself lay the rose on the grave. I heard myself say, "I miss you."
And I did, I missed him with every fiber of my being. I wanted him back, with a desperate need. To hope was pointless, Ranger was gone and not coming back. She turned me toward her and held my face in her hands. "I know you hurt, but you've been in this nightmare long enough."
"I can't," I sighed.
"Stephanie, life is meant for the living and you have to live now." She pointed to the door behind her, "Go through that door Stephanie and live the rest of your life."
"I'm afraid." I wanted to escape her grip.
"The rest of your life is waiting on the other side of that door. Go through it and I promise everything will be good."
I stepped back and nodded my head, okay I could do this. I will go through that door and live the rest of my life. I lifted my head up and squared my shoulder and reached out and turned the knob.
And I opened my eyes and I was in my bed in my old apartment, I looked around and everything looked like my home. I looked over at my alarm clock and noticed that it was 9:00 am. I reached over onto my nightstand and picked up my cell phone. I closed my eyes and prayed that she was right, that all of this was a nightmare to get me to realize that I really, truly loved Ranger.
I hit one on my speed dial and brought the phone to my ear, and held my beath.
"Yo."
"Ranger," I said breathlessly.
"Babe?" I could tell he was concerned it was obvious in his voice.
"Can you come over, I need to see you?" I tried to keep from crying, but it didn't work.
"I'll be there in five." And he hung up.
I got up, threw on some close and ran into the bathroom to try to get my self looking decent again. I splashed cold water on my face and took in a shaky breath. I exited the bathroom and entered my living room. I looked at the spot Ranger had been shot and wondered if I had dreamt that too.
I heard the locks tumble and I walked down the hall and waited, as soon as the door opened and I saw Ranger, I launched myself into his arms. He held me tight for a minute as I struggled to control my fears.
"Babe?" he asked as he eased me back and pushed my hair out of my face, "Are you alright?"
I stepped back and just looked at him; I got close again and touched the spot on his neck, where he had been shot. It was real, that time was real but Ranger survived and he was here. I smiled through my tears and said, "I am now."
A/N: Thanks to you all on PFF who suffered through my insanity on Friday. I do need a break from my stories. But I wanted to at least deliver my HEA first. Thanks to those who supported me. Elissa.
i Taken from Twelve Sharp