Author's note: Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Last chapter is here, right on schedule. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so much so that I think it's over twice as long as the others. Heh. It's a bit of an open ending - feel free to speculate! - but I hope you like it all the same. And my thanks go out to all the readers and reviewers who have stuck with me for this long!
"Someone gave you a present for Valentine's Day?"
House looked up from the seat he had just settled in and scowled. "Give a man time to eat before you start pestering him with stupid questions, will you?"
Sighing, Wilson pushed his plate of chips across the table. "Well?"
House grabbed a chip and popped it into his mouth, taking his time as he chewed in exaggerated relish. From the other side of the table, Wilson watched with an air of impatience.
"Who told you?"
"Foreman." The oncologist gestured vaguely towards the door. "Mentioned something about you receiving an anonymous gift that was driving you crazy. So what was it? A bouquet of roses? Your very own teddy bear?"
A glare was cast in Wilson's direction. "Chocolates. One of those ridiculously extravagant boxes that you see plastered on those billboards that take advantage of all the idiots who celebrate this stupid excuse for a-"
House's spiel was cut short when he realised that Wilson's features had dropped from their previously amused smirk.
"What?"
"What colour was it?"
"The box? The most nauseating shade of pink I've ever seen. Why?"
Ignoring the question, Wilson paused with the air of a man trying to solve a particularly difficult crossword puzzle. "With a red bow?"
House narrowed his eyes. "Yes..."
"Oh. Well then. They're mine." Wilson rubbed the back of his neck, as if in embarrassment.
"You're the one who decided to send me an anonymous Valentine's Day gift?"
"Yes."
House stopped abruptly, taken aback at the prompt admission. "Seriously?"
"No."
"So... they're not yours."
"They are. I just didn't give you an anonymous Valentine's Day gift."
"Well in that case, you seem to have left out the card that would make it a signed Valentine's Day gift."
"What makes you think that it was intended for you?"
"Hmm, let me think about that. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that they were on my desk in my office, could it?"
"I must've left them behind when I dropped by this morning to deliver some patient files." Wilson placed his sandwich on the table as he brushed some crumbs off his lap, favouring House with a casual glance. "You know, the fact that you're so willing to assume that I've given you a Valentine's Day gift says something about you."
House plucked another chip from Wilson's plate. "Actually, I think the fact that it's such a plausible explanation says more about you than me."
Wilson rolled his eyes and picked up his lunch once more, choosing not to continue with this line of argument.
"So who are they for then? Cameron?"
A frown creased Wilson's brow as he pondered the question. "Why would I give chocolates to Cameron?"
"Because she's one of the few people left on the list of 'hot female staff members at the hospital that Jimmy Wilson hasn't slept with'."
A raised eyebrow prompted House to elaborate.
"The new accountant is allergic to dairy products, so you wouldn't be giving her chocolates. That nurse in Cardiology has been away sick for the past week, so if they were for her then you wouldn't have brought them to work. And you know that Cuddy would do me before she'd do you, so they can't be for her either. That just leaves Cameron and-" House scrunched up his face as he searched his memory for the last member of the group "-the blonde chick who works behind the cafeteria counter on Thursday's. Mary something."
Wilson, who had listened to this ramble with no small amount of exasperation, blinked in surprise. "You know her name?"
House shrugged. "Her nametag is usually conveniently fastened within viewing distance of her cleavage."
"Right. Well, wrong again." Wilson snatched his plate of chips back from across the table. "What makes you think that my intention was to give it to someone at all?"
"Surely you're not pathetic enough to buy yourself a Valentine's Day gift? Oh, wait, you would be - but you wouldn't have picked a box of chocolates, you'd have hired yourself a-"
"They were in my mailbox this morning." Wilson shook his head, once again cutting across his friend's speech.
House tapped his fingers against the tabletop thoughtfully as he considered this statement. "I didn't know you were sleeping with someone else at the hospital. Should I be crossing someone else off my list?"
"House." The doctor being addressed was favoured with a disapproving look. "I'm not."
"Then who gave them to you? A patient?" House's eyes widened in realisation. "You're doing another patient!"
"I'm not doing anyone!" In his alarm, Wilson's voice seemed to rise by several decibels, causing a young couple nearby to look up with interest. Lowering his voice, he turned to snap at House. "Patients don't have access to my personal mailbox here at the hospital."
"Hmm. So it had to be another staff member." House smirked. "You realise I'm not going to shut up until you tell me who sent them."
"I have no idea who sent them."
"Oh, no. You're not getting off the hook that easily." House leaned across the table. "I know you've got a disgustingly pink Valentine's Day card to go with your disgustingly pink Valentine's Day gift."
"No, I don't." Remarkably unfazed, Wilson polished off the last of his chips and got up to leave. "Can I go now, or would you like to interrogate me some more?"
"Good idea, I'll come with you. I bet that card is somewhere in your office."
Wilson sighed as House, too, pushed off his chair and limped towards the cafeteria doors.
"Why is it so easy for you to believe that you can be the recipient of an anonymous gift, but so hard for you to believe the same of me?"
"Because anyone stupid enough to give you a gift on Valentine's Day would have signed it in the hopes of getting something in return, if you know what I mean."
Wilson snorted as they approached the elevators. "Obviously not. The box of chocolates on your desk is evidence to the contrary."
"There aren't any chocolates on my desk."
"In your bag, in your pocket, in your shoe, whatever."
"How about 'in my stomach'?"
Wilson looked scandalised. "You ate my chocolates? Are you ever going to stop stealing my food?"
"Well technically, I didn't know they were yours when I was eating them."
"Huh. I suppose you weren't aware that those chips you ate for lunch belonged to me either."
"Stop trying to change the subject." Knowing that he was being hypocritical but equally aware that his companion wouldn't pick up on it, House continued. "The point is, who the hell would ever give you an anonymous Valentine's Day gift?"
Wilson paused. "I have no idea. But when you figure it out, let me know." And with that, he turned and bolted up the stairs behind them, leaving House standing beside the elevator with a slightly bemused expression.
Had someone really anonymously given Wilson those chocolates? House mentally ran through the list of people he had confronted when he had believed that the chocolates were for him. Cameron - it was worth a shot. Cuddy - maybe. Chase - unlikely, but no harm in asking. Foreman - well, anything's possible.
He'd spotted Cameron in the lunch line as they were leaving. Ignoring the doors that had just rattled open before him, House turned and retraced his steps back to the cafeteria.