Well, I'm back again with another chapter. This one might be sort of sucky – it was originally pretty good, but when I was halfway through the chapter, the computer deleted the file and I lost everything in the document (including two old stories) except for a few random sentences. So now I'm trying to piece the whole chapter together from memory… and my memory hasn't been terribly fantastic for the last two years.

I swear, when we get the new computer, this one is going to get smashed into a trillion pieces. I hate it so much at this point, I don't even want to look at it anymore…

Anywho, enjoy some more of the adventure with our hero and his new mom.

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Chapter Five: The Killer Cow and Another Ex-Cop

Leon and "Mom" made their way into the short tunnel at the end of the path, being bombarded by bats that mysteriously exploded in a spray of blood and fur when he went to stab them.

They exited the tunnel, into an area mostly populated by trees. It was quiet. That is, until sticks of dynamite started getting thrown at them.

"Looks like we've got a challenge ahead of us, mom," Leon said.

"Moo."

They (well, mom actually) made a dash for the closest shack-like structure, next to which there were two villagers arguing over who was going to throw their dynamite first.

"It's my turn!"

"You already had yours! And besides, I'm older!"

"You idiot! That only works for siblings!"

"No, anyone can use that!"

"Well, you don't know anything about anything!"

"Oh yeah? You wouldn't know anything about anything if it bit you!"

"What? Anything, or what it's about?"

"Err… What it's about… No, anything… I don't know. Why were we arguing?"

They both looked down, realizing the fuses on their dynamite were getting short.

"That's what we were fighting about," they said in unison, right before getting blown up.

Mom questioned what the world was coming to with so many stupid people in it.

Leon stared at the spot where the two guys had been. "What were they so worked up about?"

The immediate threat gone, Leon looked around, spotting a tarantula-like spider on the wall. He had seen ones fifty times bigger than that in Raccoon City, and yet…

"AHH! Get it away, get it away!" He ran in circles around mom, who decided it was time to move on and kicked him in the stomach, right out of the shack.

"Ouch. Thanks for that," he said, getting up and walking into a beartrap. "AHH!"

When he just laid there holding his leg and screaming, Mom chose to leave him there for the moment, while she went to look around a little more. She followed the sound of dynamite to the nearby run-down house, and despite being a cow, somehow managed to climb through the open window into a room where there were three other villagers.

"It's the American! Wait, it's a cow…"

"Is that Charo?"

"Dumbass, I just said it was a cow!"

"Isn't that Bessie from the farm?"

"Yeah, it is. Why is she here?"

"And looking at us like that?"

"Oh crap, she's turned against us!"

"Why, Bessie, why? We always treated you the best of all the cows!"

She thought for a moment, and then trampled the three guys before looking around for anything useful. When she was done, she exited via the window, and went back to the shack, where Leon was still on the ground.

"AHH! AHH! AHH!"

Mom rolled her eyes, something she was beginning to do a lot it seemed, and pried the trap open.

"Thanks, mom!" Leon said, getting to his feet. "You're almost as nice as my real mom, except she can bake."

"Moo."

"You're right, we should go check out that house over there. It's a lot nicer than the other crap-shacks around here."

They went over to the said house and entered carefully. But although Leon may have entered carefully, he wasn't careful when he walked into the TNT line.

Mom helped him up and they continued into the next room that was cluttered with tons of dusty junk. There was a thumping sound somewhere nearby.

"Maybe there are rabbits in here somewhere?"

Leon nearly screamed when the bookcase he leaned against slid out of the way, revealing a doorway.

"A secret passage! Maybe it leads somewhere!"

Mom was seriously wondering at this point if this man even had a brain.

They followed the little path to another room that was full of useless furniture… And a shaking wardrobe.

"Hm, that wardrobe is having a seizure. Should I open it or not? To open the wardrobe, or not to open the wardrobe, that is the question."

Mom shoved him towards the thing. He spent about five minutes playing with his handgun, and positioning himself against the door next to the one he was going to open. Eventually.

After about another five minutes, he opened the door, and a Spanish guy in clothes that were like the old west meets the conquistadors fell out. He was tied up, with tape over his mouth.

"Eww, I didn't think I was going to get involved in some bizarre sex act while I was here!"

The guy gave him a funny look, while mom wondered if he'd already forgotten what he and Eleanor did in the barn.

The man tried to get free from the ropes, while the other two stared at him.

"Moo."

"'Untie him', but wouldn't that defeat the purpose of why he was tied up in the first place?"

Mom glared at him in a way only a cow could, and he nodded, pulling the tape off the guys face.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?" Leon asked.

"You just stood there and stared at me!"

"Well, you looked busy."

"It's not what you're thinking!"

"Then what were you doing? Practicing a Houdini routine?"

"No, some crazy bastards did it, and then they shoved me in the wardrobe."

"Uh-huh," Leon replied, not believing him.

"Oh, great. The big cheese."

"Cheese? What kind?"

A Rasputin-like man the size of a giraffe had entered the doorway, and was glaring at them with his real eye.

"Holy freakin' cow!" Mom gave Leon a dirty look. "He looks like the hideous version of Captain Ron, but without the eye patch!"

The scene suddenly pauses, and Luis steps in front of the screen. "Why use a Captain Ron reference? Most young people have probably never even heard of that movie."

"Number one: Captain Ron rules. Number two: Shut up."

The scene resumes.

Mendez rolled his eye, his glass eye remaining eerily still. "Night-night."

Then he knocked Leon out.

A little while later…

"Feeble retard… I mean, human… And cow… Let us give you our powers."

"Uh, what?" Leon said, opening his eyes and looking around, but not seeing anyone.

"What the? You told me he was out cold!"

"He was! Until a second ago…"

"Oh no! I'm hearing things!" he said, still not finding the source of the voices.

"You idiot, I should stick the needle in you, instead!"

"Needle? Keep it away from me!" Leon got up and began running around the room, the chair still tied to him.

"Quick! Stick the needle in his neck!"

"No way, don't come near me!" he screamed, right before he ran into a wall and passed out again.

Some more time later…

Leon opened his eyes. "Where am I now? Hello?"

He began fidgeting around, and in the process elbowed both the Spanish guy and mom, who were tied to him.

"Moo!"

"Watch what your doing!"

"Oh, I'm tied to you? Hey, have you seen this blonde chick?"

"Uh… Shouldn't we introduce ourselves first?" the guy asked.

"I guess you're right… My name's Leon, weird Spanish guy. Now, have you seen the blonde chick or not?"

"Is she the President's daughter?"

"How'd you know that?"

"I'm psychic, if that's what you call hearing gossip in church."

"Anyway, weird psychic dude, I was a cop for a day during a virus outbreak, but now I'm a government agent, who's looking for the president's daughter… and I'm not sure why I'm telling you that – I just felt like it."

"Right…" the guy answered. "Well, my name is Luis. And I was a cop, too – but for way longer than a day, you lame-o."

"How long were you a cop for?"

"Two days," he replied proudly. "And I heard about that outbreak. I saw a sample of the virus at the station – right before poor Pepe smoked it."

"What happened to Pepe?"

"He turned into a giant marijuana plant, and then the other officers confiscated him. No one knows where he went after that."

Suddenly a creepy guy with an axe came in, and approached them menacingly. "Time to make some more barbecue…"

"Hi, terrifying axe murderer guy! What are you doing?" Leon greeted him.

"Leon, you want to learn a trick? When I say 'think fast', lean forward and then kick the axe guy."

"Okay."

"Leon, think fast!" Luis said when the guy when to chop them with the axe.

The axe sliced the ropes in half, freeing the three of them. Then Leon kicked the villager and he somehow flew through the air and landed on his head.

"Hooray, I learned a trick!"

Luis ran out of the building without another word, like he was being chased by a runaway mower.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Leon screamed after him.

"I'm late for a doctor's appointment!" came Luis' now distant voice.

"Oh, okay. So, mom, what should we do now? Mom?"

Mom was heading out the door already.

"Mom, wait up!"

As they were heading out of the room, a creepy-looking guy in black with a bandanna covering his mouth stopped by the window.

"Got something that may interest ya, Wonder Wuss," he said with a Cockney accent.

"'Wonder Wuss'?!" Leon shouted, "What is that supposed to mean?!"

The guy had already left the window.

He ran out of the house before mom could even catch up with him, looking around. "Where did that bastard go?"

Just as he went to round the corner of the house, Mom stopped him by grabbing his shirt in her mouth.

"Uh… What are you doing?"

"Moo."

"Don't beat him up? But he called me Wonder Wuss!"

"Moo," Mom said very seriously.

"Fine."

They continued on around back of the house, finding the guy, a merchant, standing there.

"'Ello, Wonder Wuss," said the Merchant.

"Deal's off, mom. You're going down!"

Mom stomped on his foot.

Leon hit the ground, screaming, again. "AHH! Why did you do that??"

"Moo."

"Okay, I'm sorry!" He got up, and glared at the Merchant. "I hate you already."

"Haha, I don't care. The only thing I care about is my weapon… And trying to forget that last job I had…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Want some weapons?"

"Err… Sure, why not?"

"Alright, let me just - " the Merchant ripped open his cloak. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to do something this morning.

"OH MY GOD! WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING CLOTHES UNDER THAT?!?"

Leon began running around hysterically, while mom didn't bother to look away.

"Oops. Knew I forgot something before I left home…"

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Well, wasn't that just fun…

The next chapter, I think that I'll get back to those two cops… And write about yet another Dr. Salvador, yay!

I've got to be off now – I have a couple other things to finish, and it's after 2am.

Leave me a review and let me know what you think!