Sorry for the delay in updating – not only did I have a bit of writer's block, but I also have been sick and stressed out over a rather… disconcerting… problem involving a Marvel freak and a soldier. Anyway…
Hm. I'm not sure where this chapter will really go, but I'm working it out as I go along (and while I work on two other things). Which reminds me, since I plan to parody the entire series eventually, I'm also working on a parody of RE1, "The Class and the Sandwich". It's full of idiots, but it should be interesting. If you like this, do me a favor and read that.
Also, thanks to everyone for the reviews so far – you've all been really kind, and I greatly appreciate that.
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Chapter Six: Twister
"As long as gay cops stay connected."
- What I thought radio DJ said
The merchant had to run, saying that he would see him later when he put some clothes on, and after puking for fifteen minutes, Leon decided it was time to move on. Mom had been waiting impatiently.
"Let's go."
She had already gone to wait by the front door.
"Oh. Well, that works too."
They exited the walled-in area, looking out over a large gully, where there were numerous groups of villagers chilling out all over the place, having picnics. None of them noticed the American agent and the cow crisscrossing the paths and coming closer to where the pieces of that weird decoration were… Or maybe just the potato salad.
"Mmm, potato salad!" Leon said, walking up to a table next to the first of the little shacks, where a large bowl of potato salad was sitting. "Why is this here?"
Mom shrugged, which seemed impossible for a cow, but she pulled it off.
He looked around. "It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. Maybe I'll just take it…"
"Hey, that guy is taking our potato salad!" a villager shouted in Spanish, and another one punched him in the arm.
"Just let him take it. It was made with rancid mayonnaise."
Leon was really enjoying the potato salad, which he was shoveling into his face with his hand, while Mom wondered if he was half pig.
They walked into the nearby shack, and to their surprise, found the two Spanish cops that had driven Leon into the countryside… playing Twister.
"You perv, get your hand away from that!"
"How am I supposed to? It said to touch blue, and that's the nearest blue thing."
"You are so funny."
"Um, hi?" Leon said, and the two cops fell into a heap on top of each other.
"What the – oh, it's you," the driver said, sitting up and pretending nothing happened. "Where have you been?"
"Around," he replied with his mouth full.
"What's with the cow?" the passenger asked.
"Oh, her? That's my new mom. Mom, meet the gay cops. Gay cops, meet Mom."
"I told you, we're not gay," the driver grumbled.
"Why are you here?"
"We're doing cop stuff," the passenger replied. "Like you'd know anything about that."
"Hey, I was a cop. I know all about doing cop stuff. And I learned everything I needed to know about being a cop from the Police Academy movies."
The two cops exchanged looks.
"You are really sad. Go away."
"No, I want you to come with me."
"Why?"
"Err… Because."
"Fine, we'll come with you. But shut up," the driver said.
"Awesome," Leon said, sticking his hand in the potato salad and pulling out a slab of something hard. "What's this? Oh, it looks like some kind of seal, or ornament or something." He tossed it to the passenger cop, who gave it a whiff.
"Eww. Cowboy, I think that potato salad is rotting."
Leon just shrugged.
So the four of them set off together, having a rather uneventful trip through a building that seemed to be the village version of a Home Depot, but with bear traps. They eventually found themselves outside of a somewhat nice, although still crappy-looking house.
"We're going to wait here," the driver said.
"Why?"
"We feel like it. Get going."
Mom's cow sense was tingling. "Moo."
"You too, Mom? Okay."
Leon continued up the front stairs, to a door where there was a glass orb with a design in it. "This must open the door somehow."
He stared at it, pondering how it could possibly work. "I got it!"
He smashed the orb with a rock, reaching his arm through the hole and unlocking the door. "Ha! That couldn't have been easier!"
He found himself in a bedroom, and a rather nice one for such a nasty little town, and began picking through the owner's personal belongings.
"What's in here?" he asked, opening a wardrobe and finding… a giant pair of underwear.
He stared at them. And then put them on his head.
"Yay, I have a hat now!"
He approached the door on the other side of the bed, hearing voices in the next room.
Thinking nothing of it, he strolled inside, suddenly getting caught in a death grip.
"Yo, son. Wuzzup?" said a giant with a hideous glass eye, who was in the process of permanently crushing the American's windpipe.
"Not much, dawg," Leon choked. "Hey, wanna hear a song?"
Mendez was sort of bored, so he set Leon down.
Leon, recovering (just a little faster than a normal human) from being strangled, began to dance around. "Happy Nation, living in a happy nation, where the people understand and dream of perfect… Uh, line…" he trailed off, and then continued from the next part. "Situation leading to a sweet salvation, for the people, for the good, for mecha lecha hi mecha - "
Mendez punched him in the face. "It's 'mankind brotherhood'! I'm not even into pop and I know the words to that song!"
Then out of nowhere, he changed the subject. "Ah, I see you have the same blood as us."
"'Crud-ass what's'?" Leon asked, horribly mishearing that statement, and the giant didn't reply, exiting through the door the American had come through.
Leon, being the dork he was, decided to follow him. Next thing he knew, he was on the floor, with a foot the size of Godzilla's on his chest. And as if it wasn't bad enough he was about to die from suffocation, he just had to waste his only oxygen.
"I … am barely breathing… And I can't find… the air… Don't know who… I'm kidding… Imagining you'd… care."
Suddenly the giant got shot in the back by someone just outside the window, and decided that lunging out of the second story like he was committing suicide was the way to go.
Leon got up, looking out the window. "Woman in red… Why does that seem familiar? Oh, I know – Pretty Woman!"
Then he looked down at his chest, where there was a huge boot print. "I wonder where he found his clown boots…"
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Yeah, I know – this chapter was short, and didn't really get much of anywhere. I was determined to update it this week, but I really didn't get much time to work. And I ran out of ideas… If every story has a bad chapter – I guess this is the one. The next chapter will be longer and better – because I won't be sick, or have a lot on my mind… or be typing at 6am. And hopefully, I'll have some ideas. Actually, if anyone wants to suggest anything, that might give me some inspiration. And I'll be getting back to Ashley and Saddler shortly. I meant to do it last time, but I didn't get to.
Well, until next time, when I do a better job. Leave me a review and let me know what you thought!