The last chapter was inexcusably terrible in my opinion, so I'm sorry about the serious crappiness of that installment… This chapter will be way better – as well as more thought out. I'm also taking the week off from updating 'The Class and the Sandwich' to work on this specifically, so it should be better since I'm focusing all my energy into this.

Ah, well, time for me to get to work. I have a vague idea for where this chapter is going, and it's extremely stupid in my head, so it'll probably be even more so on paper… Err… Fake paper…

In this chapter, the end of the world… Not really. Well, maybe – it depends on how you look at the events of the first part. We also get to see some weird stuff, Leon misinterpret Spanish and learn the cops' names.

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Chapter Seven: How Not to Translate Spanish

In Saddler's place…

"It's blue, it's blue!" Ashley was shouting excitedly, dancing around the bathroom.

"What's blue?" Saddler asked groggily, having just been awakened by her overly happy shrieking.

"The little line on my pregnancy test! Ossie, we're going to have a family!"

"That's nice," he replied, closing his eyes to go to sleep. "Wait a minute, we are??"

"Oh, I'm so happy!" she proclaimed, running around the room.

"Wow, I didn't know people with plagas could actually get anyone pregnant," he said contemplatively, then suddenly smiling. "Fear me, world! I can father children!"

"Do you think the whole 'you having a plaga' thing would affect the pregnancy in any way? Maybe I should go see a doctor…"

"Oh, come on. You're just having some of that 'pre-partum paranoia' stuff. There's nothing to worry about."

"I don't know," Ashley said cautiously, "It might be better to see a doctor, anyway. Just to make sure everything is in order."

"There really aren't many doctors around here… Except…"

"Except?"

"I know someone. Let's go."

Meanwhile, back in Mendez' house…

Leon wandered down the stairs and into a dining room… Where the passenger cop seemed to be passed out on the table, next to which the driver and Mom were standing.

"Err… How did you guys… And girl… Get in here?"

"We walked up over the hill and came in the back door."

"And, uh, what's wrong with him?"

"We're not sure. He saw a spider and freaked out," the driver replied, looking his companion over, "We tried a lot of stuff, but he won't wake up."

"Did you try shaking him?"

"Yes."

"Screaming in his face?"

"Yes."

"Hitting him in the head with something heavy?"

"Yes."

Leon thought carefully for a moment. "Did you try the Sleeping Beauty thing?"

"You mean kiss him? No, I haven't cured my …" he trailed off, considering his words. "… I mean, I don't do that."

"How about you, Mom?"

Mom gave him a dirty look.

"You do it," the driver said resolutely, "You're being upgraded from Cowboy to Cowgirl – that means it's your job to wake him up."

"Hooray, I'm a Cowgirl!" Leon said happily. "Although, I really don't want to do that…"

"I dare you. No wait, I double-dog-dare you," the cop said with a laugh, and the agent shrugged.

"Well, if I'm being dared."

He went over to the unconscious cop and quickly kissed him, before running to the nearby bathroom. There was a villager inside, taking a whiz, and he didn't seem to be so thrilled by being interrupted.

"What are you doing?! I'm using the bathroom!" he shouted in Spanish. Leon puked on him. "What the hell, man?? Do you normally go around puking on people? You should go to a doctor. There's one that lives not far from here, in the place that used to be the Hot Dog Shack. He's sort of a butcher, but he can cure anything."

He stared at the villager, having not understood anything except 'I'm doing the hot dog butcher'. "Um… I don't know what you're getting at, but I really don't think I want to know."

The villager continued. "I'm serious, go see this guy. He can fix you up so you don't go puking on strangers taking a piss anymore." He handed him a business card.

Leon was confused. He wasn't sure what the man had meant by 'I'm seriously a guy puking piss'. "… I'm leaving now."

"Go see that doctor! He'll take good care of you and you'll feel way better!"

"'Go see Doctor Feel Good'?" Leon asked himself, leaving the bathroom, and looking at the card. It had a picture of a man with a burlap sack on his head and a chainsaw on it, and read: 'Dr. Salvador – If you've got a medical problem, I have a solution for that! 666 Trashy Farm Road, Pueblo.' "Huh. I wonder if he's related to the guy in my attaché case…"

The cop who had been unconscious was now sitting up, rubbing his head. "Why does my head hurt? And my mouth taste like bad mayo?"

"Uh… Never mind that," his coworker said, then noticing Leon. "Hey, you okay there, Cowgirl?"

"Yup," Leon replied, "Except I don't get any of the people in this country. It's like their speaking another language or something."

"… You're an idiot."

The government agent suddenly realized something. "I never caught either of your names."

"I'm Dri V. Er," the driver replied.

"And I'm Pas Sen Ger," the passenger said.

"Uh… huh… Now I really don't get this country. Ooh, a kitchen!" he said, completely going off subject and running into the closet-sized kitchen. "Aww, it's such a cute kitchen! I bet Julia Childs would love this place!"

The two cops and Mom exchanged funny looks.

"Maybe we should get going?" suggested Pas, and a rolling pin suddenly flew at his head.

"Sorry! I'm trying to make an omelet with this egg that was in the oven!"

"We don't have time for that," Dri snapped.

"All done," Leon said, coming back up to them with a plate that was almost bowl-like, full of what appeared to be one runny mess of an egg. "Want some?"

"No thanks," they replied in unison, with Mom adding a moo.

"Suit yourselves. Mmm."

Pas was about to vomit, and Dri just pretended he wasn't trapped here with a complete retard that would eat anything.

"Let's get out of here. This place creeps me out. And that music isn't helping," Dri grumbled. Indeed, there was techno music coming from somewhere, but where they couldn't tell. And creepier than that was the fact that there were voices in the background, speaking Simish.

The four of them piled out the nearest door, and were greeted by the sound of a chainsaw revving nearby.

"Not again!" Pas shouted as Dr. Salvador came running up the path.

"Oh, hey. That's the Doctor guy," Leon said, beginning to flag him down. "Doctor!"

The chainsaw-toting man stopped, looking at them a little weird.

"Doctor, this guy in the house gave me your card. I think he wanted me to see you."

Dr. S tapped a finger against his burlap-covered chin. Then he waved for them to follow.

They warily followed the scary man to a small stone house a little ways into the woods, surrounded by a dead garden. The area was rather eerie and foreboding, but the house itself seemed relatively cozy with smoke emerging from the chimney and rising into the barren treetops.

He led them inside, to where a woman in a brown dress was preparing something nasty smelling.

"Sal, what are you doing home so early?" she asked, and he pointed to Leon, muttering something. "Oh, you've got a patient. Hola, my name is - "

"Dora the Explorer?" Dri asked sarcastically, and she rolled her eyes.

"No. Delores."

"Delores? Are you related to Eleanor?" Leon asked.

"Eleanor? Are you that guy she did in the barn?"

"Yeah."

She immediately took on a sweet tone. "Nice to meet you. Welcome to our home. If you'll take a seat on that table over there, my husband will look at you in a minute."

Leon seated himself on the cold steel table against the wall, watching her work, while the two cops and mom (somehow) sat on the couch opposite him.

The doctor eventually rejoined them, and began looking him over. And poking him with a huge Q-tip.

"Seems like there's nothing physically wrong with you. It must be that you're stupid," he said in Spanish. "I would say you should probably avoid doing much of anything, and maybe consider living under constant supervision so that you don't kill yourself. Marry my sister-in-law, that would work out great."

"Did he say that I'm physically stupid, should avoid living and kill myself? And that I should marry him?" Leon looked disturbed.

"No, he said… Forget it," Pas replied, losing interest in translating.

"Anyone want Cream of Root and Skin soup?"

"Sounds great!" Leon said, and the others were already out the door, before the hostess could even react.

"I guess your friends are in a hurry to leave. Here, have a bowl of soup for the road. If you need anything, feel free to drop in. Maybe we'll bump into each other again soon."

"Thanks, and bye!" he said, running out to catch up with the others on their hike back to the path where they'd started.

"He was nice. I think him and Eleanor make a good pair," Delores said to her husband, who was watching them walk away through the window.

"I don't think it will last – if he marries into this family, he has to take up the business, and he probably doesn't have what it takes to become a chainsaw maniac."

A little while later…

The door of the small stone house opened, flooding the room with cool air, and a familiar purple-robed person entered with a smile. "Dr. Salvador?"

"Ah, my Lord, what brings you to our humble home?"

"More like a dirt-hole," Saddler replied wittily, and the two laughed. "My future wife wants a physical, because she just got pregnant."

"Way to go, ooh ooh!" Dr. S said, doing a retarded dance right before Ashley came in.

"This is Ashley."

"Welcome," he greeted genially, although he was secretly gagging at how her ears looked like Sloth's in The Goonies.

"Something smells like milk and rotting hamburgers," she said, sniffing the air.

"That would be my dear wife's cooking. She basically just tosses everything around into a pot and cooks it."

The two men laughed, and a chainsaw came flying through the air, almost taking Dr. S's head off.

"I can hear you," Delores grumbled from the kitchen.

"Maybe I should start the examination," Dr. S said, closing the front door and wandering off for a moment.

Saddler had Ashley sit down on the steel table before the doctor came back.

"Okay, let's see. Blood pressure, pulse…" Dr. S was saying to himself.

"I'm cold," Ashley whined.

"Delores! Add more wood to the fire!"

He continued checking vital signs and all whatnot.

She shivered.

"More wood in the fire!"

"I can't put anymore in there."

"Find a way! … She's in perfect health, as far as I can tell. Anything else you need?"

Saddler pondered for a moment. "Yeah. Can you get what's-his-face that injects the plagas into people to stop by and do the thing?"

"Of course. Pedro!"

An extremely pale guy in black robes with a freaky smile came running down the stairs.

"Pedro, we need you to 'do the thing' to her," then turning to Saddler, he added, "Pedro's staying with us because he accidentally set his house on fire."

Pedro set to work, injecting Ashley with the plaga, using a 20-gauge needle he had in his pocket for some reason.

"Is it just me, or is this house really cold?" Ashley asked.

"Delores, for the last time, build the fire up!" Dr. S shouted.

"Pedro, come here and help me," she called back, and the creepy pale dude ran into the kitchen once he'd finished his job. Then there was an explosion. "There, ya happy?! The woodstove is on fire now!"

Saddler and Dr. S looked at each other. "I hope when I get married, it's a little less disturbing than this."

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That's the end of this chapter. In case anyone really wonders, I believe 'Dr. Feel Good' is the name of a horror movie – and according to my one friend, apparently a porno, too.

That 'techno music/Simish' thing was sort of random, yes. I was listening to a techno song from one of The Sims games, which I did an RE4 music video for a long time ago that had a scene from Mendez's house. So it was pretty much by force of association that I wrote that.

Ah, Ashley is carrying Saddler's offspring. I actually have a rather scary idea for how that's going to turn out, but you'll have to wait and find out what it is when I write it.

Well, you know what to do. I'll be back soon, so in the meantime, leave me a review and let me know what you thought!