Hm… You know, I really hate to do this, but I'm writing a super-short chapter. I have this sort of policy that a chapter should never be shorter than at least five pages, but I just can't do it this time – and if I don't update something, I'll feel really annoyed about it later. I haven't been updating anything lately, namely 'cause my three co-writers have been on hiatus for months now, I was having horrible mood swings the last couple weeks, and I'm on a quest for advice that's not getting me much of anywhere, except lost in a maze of confusion. Ah well, I just hope things work out soon…
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Chapter Eleven: Fast Food
Saddler had some properties of magic. That is to say, that he was in some form, magical. Yeah, seems rather far-fetched, but earlier in his life, he'd managed to make a career off of that. And alchemy. And working in a rather weird Burger King…
"OSMUND!"
Saddler, about twenty years younger, had fallen asleep during his on-the-job escape artist practice, hanging upside down over a deep fryer. Unfortunately, while he was asleep, he knocked over a bunch of raw burgers which had fallen into the hot oil, and, in a freak accident, melded with one of his co-workers.
He opened his eyes and yawned, "Yeah?"
"I've had enough of your constant troublemaking. It's obvious you have no concept of what safety is, and aren't fit to work in any establishment, let alone a fast food place. You're fired!"
Saddler went to sit up with a start, only to realize he was hanging from a cable of some sort, and ended up swinging himself face-first into an oven, before hitting the floor with a crash. "Ouch…"
"See what I mean? You aren't even fit to hold a dangerous occupation! You'd work for a minute and either kill someone, or destroy something!"
Saddler quickly recovered. "But Mr. Spencer, this was the only job I could even apply for within a hundred miles! Everyplace else locked the doors as soon as they saw me coming."
"I don't care. How do you think I came to run a huge pharmaceutical company? By employing complete morons?"
Saddler scratched his head, glancing in the direction of the silhouetted figure standing in the next room, lecturing him. "Wait… If you have a huge pharmaceutical company, why do you manage a Burger King?"
"Get off of my property. Go back to working on that sorcerer's stone thing that turns stuff into gold, or whatever and never come back!"
"You mean the Philosopher's stone? That's sort of an abstract idea really; as an alchemy junkie, even I find that concept to be a little odd. How does something turn stuff into gold, or give people immortality?"
"GET OUT!"
"Okay, okay." Saddler started on his way out, throwing his uniform on he floor spitefully, and screaming bloody murder when he saw one of his co-workers. "What the hell happened to you?!"
"I became half burnt hamburger, thanks to you," the mass of remotely human-looking matter in a uniform replied.
"This world is just terrifying," Saddler said to himself, hoping never to see the Burger King again.
Fortunately for him, he wouldn't. And his boss' company would do horrible things, get in trouble and go bankrupt. And his deformed co-worker would go on to become a millionaire and date supermodels… Don't ask how.
What Saddler didn't know, was that for the next few years, he'd try to live out his dream of being a magician/escape artist… And be one of the most hated things on the face of the earth since Vanilla Ice. Nor did he know that in his conquest to get away from it all, he'd find himself the leader of a cult in a small Spanish village, with a psychotic girlfriend and a severely retarded arch-nemesis.
What a wonderful life!
Saddler suddenly awoke, looking around and hearing his wife to be beating on the door still, and some villagers praying to him below.
He leaned back against the wall, and sighed. "Why did I have that recurring dream again, about an episode of Biography based on my life??"
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Eh, I've never been the type to write plain old filler, but that's definitely what that was. Yikes…
So Spencer not only owned Umbrella, but a Burger King. Ooh… That thought just made me nauseous. Yeah, the alchemy thing came out of nowhere, but blame it on the History channel. I watched a show on the Philosopher's stone the other night, and now I can quit thinking about how weird that whole thing sounds… And yeah, I know I still haven't gotten into the whole "failed magician" thing yet, but I'm getting there. For some reason, I keep getting this idea of something similar to a birthday party clown…
Well, that's it for this horribly short, and sad chapter. Next time, the story will be back to normal. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!