Wow, it's been a while since I actually updated this… Not terribly long as compared to some of my other stories, but still, a while. I wanted to write a new chapter, but I kept putting off typing until I only had time to work on one thing, and I really haven't been typing much other than on Fridays, so I just didn't get to. At the moment, I have no clue what this chapter will really entail, 'cause I just haven't really thought about much lately – my thoughts are very one-sided. But once I get going, I think I'll do okay. Better than the last chapter, anyway.

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Chapter Twelve: The Salamander Thing

Our group of not-quite heroes had made it through the swamp after their strange misadventure shortly before, having suffered only minor setbacks – if you consider dynamite lines and people with sharp weapons to be minor.

They were walking up an incline, past one of the many piles of wood that scattered the countryside for no apparent reason, just to walk up to another one.

There was a sound like a motor out on the lake that lie before them, and a crappy old motorboat came into view.

"Duck," Dri said, and the two cops, in addition to Mom, ducked behind the woodpile.

"Duck? Where?" Leon asked, and the two cops grabbed his arms, pulling him down behind the logs.

In the boat were two creepy men, and when they came to the middle of the lake, they stopped the boat.

The four watched as the two men dumped the body of Diego from Go, Diego, Go! into the lake and then sailed off.

"Uh… What the hell was that about?" Pas asked, scratching his beard.

"No! Not Diego!" Leon shouted, pounding his fist on the woodpile. "That poor kid never stood a chance! Who will save the cute jungle animals now?!"

The two cops and the cow exchanged weird looks, questioning why a 27-year-old government agent would be watching a show aimed at preschoolers.

Suddenly, the water began to shift and roll, like something was disturbing the area around the floating body, and a gigantic salamander came up out of the lake, swallowing the kid whole and disappearing under the water again.

They all gasped – including Mom, which was a sight to see – and of course, as if the whole thing couldn't get weirder, it did.

"Hola!" came a high-pitched voice.

They slowly turned to see Dora the Explorer standing behind them.

Leon seemed the least disturbed. "Wow, her head is even bigger in person."

"Have you seen my cousin Diego?" she asked with a smile.

"Yeah, he's in the salamander-thing's stomach."

"Del Lago," she corrected.

"No, don't start speaking Spanish, I don't get it."

"Del Lago. Repeat after me. Del Lago."

"Del Lago," the two cops said, Mom mooing with them.

"Del Lago. Say it with me! Del Lago."

With that, Leon shot her in the head and she slumped to the ground.

"Thank you! She was getting annoying!" Dri said with relief, kicking the Dora right in the head out of frustration.

"I like Dora, but I like Boots better," Leon said, and they looked at him weird again.

"Err, I think we should get probably go see what's down that path over there."

So they went down the other path, pausing twice for Leon to investigate the shacks that were there, finding some useful things… And for some reason, smashing them into a strange conglomerate of bullets, herbs and broken wood. His companions questioned whether or not even he understands what he does.

At the end of the path was a nice, albeit rickety, dock. They stood there and looked around.

"I guess we have to cross the lake?" Pas suggested.

"There's nothing else to do here," Dri replied, just for Leon to clap his hands together happily.

"Look, fish!"

"Oh, great…"

For the next hour, Leon shot at the fish, wasting most of the ammo he had – and since the cops were presently unarmed, that was a REALLY bad idea.

"Yay! Come on, guys, let's grab the fish!"

And so they piled into the motorboat, cow and all, and made a horrible attempt to steer while Leon picked dead fish out of the water and chucked them on Dri, who just sat there with a begrudging expression.

"This is fantastic!" Leon said tossing the last fish over his shoulder just for it to crack Pas in the face. "Now I can make more fish necklaces!"

"Or," said Dri, "You could sell them, make more money and get better weapons."

Leon thought. "Nah, I like fish necklaces better."

"Let's go before I drown him."

They started heading across the lake, dodging floating stumps and heading for the opposite shore…

Meanwhile, in the mines below Salazar's castle…

"Come on, you stupid bastards. Pick up."

Saddler tapped his foot against the ground impatiently, holding what appeared to be some strange version of a cellphone crossed with a toaster.

"Hello?" came a voice on the other end.

"It's me."

"William Shatner?"

"What? No! Lord Saddler, the guy you worship? Anyway, how are things on the island?"

On the island…

The soldier scratched his head with the phone, looking back at a bunch of guys who were having fun mixing dog food with rotten meat and squirting condiments on it, while some other guys were drinking all of the wine in the cellar.

"Um… Good."

"Is everything under control?"

A guy who'd been swinging from a bag that was suspended on a rope hanging from the ceiling, accidentally let go and came crashing down on the table where the others were mixing their disgusting concoction with mustard and ketchup.

"Err… Yeah."

"Great. I'll be back soon."

In the mines…

"I know those idiots are screwing around. I swear, I'll have them all fed to the Iron Maidens."

"Good help is hard to find," Mendez said, coming up alongside him and observing his villagers at work.

The villagers were singing. "The machines are kind of tricky, probably someone will be killed. But we'd gladly work for nothing - "

"Which is good, because we don't intend to pay," Salazar sang in response.

"That song is about Christmas. Can't you sing something else?" Saddler shouted so everyone could hear him over all the noise.

"The dirt in these shovels will give us a beat. You gotta find something never found before, if not, we'll just have to dig some more," the villagers began. "Nananana na na. Dig it, oh oh oh, dig it. Dig it, oh oh oh. Oh."

"You got to go and dig those holes," Dr. Salvador's brother, Dr. Salvador, sang.

"Why did you show them Holes?" Saddler grumbled, running a hand down his face.

"Don't blame me," Mendez retorted, "You told me to pick something fast at the rental place."

"Lord Saddler," a villager said, coming up to them, "I have bad news. Dora was killed."

"No! Not Dora! … Wait, why did we have Dora the Explorer go find them, anyway?"

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As usual, very weird. Not exactly the most inspired chapter, but I gave it a stab. It's hard to write comedy when you feel like I do right now.

Heh, don't ask where the whole Dora/Diego thing came from… Somehow I just ended up writing about that. And I think there might actually be some more Dora, but I won't get into that and give it away. "Holes", on the other hand, I was watching right before I started this chapter. And in case you wondered, the first song the villagers sing is from my favorite of the two Christmas episodes of Futurama.

Okay, well, that's it for this chapter. I need to get up early, and I'm really, really tired, so I'd better wrap this up. Ugh… I have so much to update…

I'll be back sooner than later, hopefully, so in the meantime, leave me a review and let me know what you think!