Chapter 4: Dwarves and discovery

Hunter proudly presented the raccoon heart to King Robert in a pretty silver box, just as they'd agreed.

"How wonderful," King Robert cackled, "now that my worthless stepson is out of the way, I will remain the most powerful in the land!"

King Robert then noticed the stuffed raccoon in Hunter's other hand and asked,

"Where'd you get that?"

"Oh, this? Killed it and stuffed it just tonight."

"How'd you find the time to kill Snow White, take out his heart, and then hunt, kill, and stuff a raccoon in the same night?"

Hunter froze; he hadn't anticipated that question.

"Uh, hunter's efficiency?"

King Robert raised a suspicious eyebrow.

Outside the cottage, seven dwarves trudged down the path carrying lanterns and chattering amongst themselves. They were led by a curly-haired, hard-featured little person named Perry, who was trying to find new ways to berate his team… and as soon as they reached the cottage he found it.

"Everybody free-heeze!"

Perry liked to elongate his vowels from time to time. Everyone obeyed, and Perry announced,

"Okay, boys and girls, it's time to play 'What's Wrong with this Picture?' First off, look at the window and tell me what you see."

They looked, and a bald-headed dwarf named Turk cried,

"Someone left the lantern burning!"

Perry shook his head.

"Only half right, chrome dome, the answer is Todd!"

All eyes were on the muscular dwarf named Todd. He looked confused.

"So?"

"So, Snow-flake," a dwarf named Laverne snapped, "you were supposed to switch it off! Not only is fuel for our lanterns scarce, but you brought attention to our cottage during the night! You know all the crazies come out at night!"

Perry continued,

"Good, children, we're doing great! Now, let's see if something else is wrong with this picture?!"

He turned the knob on the door and it swung open. Everyone gasped, and Perry announced,

"Well, well, well, someone didn't lock the door! Right, Doug?"

Doug, a pasty, meek looking dwarf who wore a red satchel around his waist, wrung his hands nervously. He squeaked,

"I-I thought it was Turk's day to lock it!"

"Dude! Don't try to pin this on me," Turk snapped.

A pretty, dark-haired dwarf named Carla decided to play peacemaker and calm everything down.

"Okay, so Todd and Doug messed up, I'm sure nothing happened!"

Another female dwarf, Jordan, flipped her short brown hair and said,

"But Carla, think of all the people who'd want to steal our cracked clay bowls, handmade beds, and broken lanterns! Not to mention Perry's blankie that he thinks no one knows about…"

"Enough, ye olde shrew," Perry ordered, "Everyone be on the defense, we don't know if someone's in there."

So he carefully swung open the door and they crept in. They all gasped again at the sight of their newly cleaned cottage. Jordan nudged Perry and whispered,

"Oooh, Perry, someone broke in and cleaned up! Scary, huh?"

Todd's eyes lit up.

"A full-grown woman's been here! Look, a strand of hair is stuck on the ceiling beam from where she hit her head. And the cottage is clean, and everyone knows full-grown women have this thing about cleaning stuff!"

"Full-growns" were what the dwarves called non-dwarf people, in case you're wondering. Turk was astonished.

"Todd, you can't even do your times tables and you were able to deduce all that??"

"Deduce? I was just hoping to see a full-grown chick's…"

"It's still here!" Perry hissed.

They saw a large form hunched over the bed, where it was snoring rather loudly. Turk exclaimed,

"Someone's sleeping on my bed!"

The dwarves all cautiously approached it, Perry leading the way with his pickax in one hand and his lantern in the other. They saw the large form stir, which gave them pause, but they kept creeping towards it. Perry raised his lantern and shone it on the form.

The light was bright enough to awaken SW. He stirred in mid-snore and mumbled,

"Banana-hammock…"

He then opened his eyes and groggily looked up to see seven little faces looking at him. SW yelled in surprise, and the dwarves yelled in response while jumping back. Temporarily forgetting where he was, SW shouted,

"Who are you?!"

Laverne's jaw dropped and she glared at him.

"You have a hell of a nerve asking us that, as this is our house!"

Oh, yeah, now I remember, the whole my-stepfather-wants-to-kill-me business and retreating to a remote cottage…

SW then noticed the dwarves' sizes and grinned,

"Oh, my gosh, you're all so little and cute!"

"Oh, my gosh, you're so lanky and ungainly and have an Adam's apple the size of a potato!" Jordan retorted.

SW was taken aback.

"Little person, big attitude."

Perry let out a deafening whistle through his teeth, causing SW to cringe. Perry stepped up and boomed,

"All right, enough banter, I've got a few questions for our oversized intruder. You tell us who the hell you are, what you're doing here and we might not re-sculpt your body with our pickaxes!"

SW stammered,

"P-please, I really didn't mean to intrude. I was, uh, out for a walk, and I, uh, got lost and needed a place to stay…"

Perry interrupted him.

"Okay, first of all, you're awfully dolled up for a walk, and secondly, you're the worst liar I've ever met. Now, the truth."

He's got a point, you've never been much of a liar, but at least you're over the nervous sweating.

SW took a deep breath.

"I'm Prince SW…

"Wait," Perry interrupted, "as in, Prince Snow White?"

"Yeah, I know, my parents thought I would be a girl…"

"'Thought?' "

"Hey, that's harsh! Anyway, I found out today that my stepfather, King Robert, not only hates my guts, but paid the palace hunter to try and kill me, so I had to run away."

The other dwarves looked shocked and sympathetic, even Jordan. Carla cried,

"That's terrible! How could anyone be so heartless?"

Perry raised an eyebrow.

"How long has the king been your stepfather?"

"All my life. My real father died when I was just a baby."

"Aaaand, you just found out King Bobbo the Bastard hates you?"

SW briefly thought back.

No, I won't give you a hug, you vile sack of childhood diseases!

You broke your arm?! Suck it up, sport, because if you had died, it would just be natural selection!

Oh, you graduated second in your class? Here's a pen and paper… write to someone who gives a crap!

SW quickly stopped reminiscing.

"I guess I've always had an inkling."

The other dwarves were speechless, except, of course, Perry. He said,

"So you decided to seek refuge in our home. Well, there's only one thing I can say to that."

See? Some people are willing to extend a helping hand!

Unsmiling, Perry continued,

"Scram, Jasmine, and don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Okay, didn't see that coming.

Carla shouted,

"What?!"

"He needs our help," Turk added angrily, "you can't just let him wander the forest alone with the king out to get him!"

"Perry," Jordan snarled, "besides the fact that you're you, how can you be such a horrible ass?"

"Look," Perry barked, "I make the rules here! And I say Aurora can't stay! His own stepfather tried to kill him, and imagine what King Homicidal will do to us if he finds out he's here! It's seven lives against one! End of discussion!!"

"There's an especially hot place in Hell reserved for people like you." Laverne muttered.

"Stop!" SW cried, "I'm not going to have you guys argue about me! I'll just leave!"

"You get back here," Carla demanded.

"No, I'm…"

"SIT!"

SW immediately sat back down.

"Good boy," Perry said sarcastically. Doug squeaked,

"Hey, Perry? M-maybe if the prince just stays inside all day, the king won't know he's here!"

"Excellent suggestion, Nervous Guy," Perry replied, "except he can't stay here! The king's out for his blood, we don't have room for him, and on top of everything else, he's a prince, and therefore completely useless!"

"Useless?" SW asked, "I cleaned up the cottage while you were gone! I…"

"Oh, whoop-de-do! What, did you watch your servants and pick up a thing or two? We work in the mines! All day long! You wouldn't know real work if it crawled into your corset! Lemme see your hands, I'll bet you use lotion!"

Perry then roughly grabbed SW's hand, shone his lantern on it, and then his face softened a bit. Years of helping servants, the cooks and the stable boys had made SW's hands somewhat rough and callused, and they were still red from the recent work he'd done. Perry turned SW's hand over and frowned.

"These aren't prince's hands. Hey, where'd those scars on your knuckles come from?"

SW thought back to when he was eight years old, and King Robert bellowing,

I've had enough of you, your grating voice and your petty little demands on my time! Somebody get the riding crop and give him as many as your arm allows!

SW shrugged.

"Don't remember."

"Liar," Perry mumbled, but he didn't sound as clipped as he had. Perry dropped SW's hand, then turned while putting his hands behind his head, and sighed.

"I can't believe I'm doing this. I shouldn't be doing this, and I'll regret it so-ho-ho-ho much, but you can stay."

Everyone cheered and SW smiled. Perry then let out yet another ear-splitting whistle. SW leaned over to Turk and whispered,

"Does he always have to do that?"

"Pretty much, it's like his trademark," Turk answered

"And giving guys girls' names?"

"Now that's new."

Perry walked up to SW, took a deep breath, and then said,

"Heeeerre's the deal, Ariel. You can stay, until you find out what else you can do with yourself. Despite what everyone says, dwarves aren't carefree little singers like sprites or elves. We work in the mines all day 'cause Bad King Robert took away our union and won't allow forest dwellers like us attend Sacredheartland University and study medicine, which we'd all rather be doing. So, you'll earn your keep by keeping this dump tidy. Clean, wash, mend, the whole bit! Also, some ground rules. We may be dwarves, but I don't want to hear you refer to any of us, namely me, by any obnoxious little people nicknames. These include 'Half-Pint, Li'l Fella, Li'l Lady, Pee Wee, Pipsqueak, Runt, Short Stuff, Shorty,' or any other terms of endearment you full-growns love to come up with! Another thing, since your stepdad's cle-hearly the antithesis of the warm and doting father figure, I suggest you stay inside and if you absolutely must go out, go with one of us! And, this is the important part, so listen up, do not let any strangers inside! I mean it, Buttercup! The king had one guy to try and off you like a baby seal, he'll probably try again! Do you hear me? Don't let anyone but us inside while you're here! Are we agreed on that, doe-eyes?"

"Yes, sir!"

SW saluted, but Perry wasn't impressed. Instead, he said,

"All right, one more question…"

Oh no, I suck at pop quizzes!

"Can you cook?"

Now that I can answer!

"Can I cook? Our head chef, Wolfgang, taught me everything he knew! He was my best friend… until the king fired him because his presence was making me too happy. I can make a heck of a chicken a la king with a light truffle sauce…"

Everyone stared at him blankly.

Uh, their tastes might be a little earthier than yours might.

"I can also make soup from scratch, bread and any sort of pie you want."

"Did you say pie?" Turk cried. "Oh, it's official, he is so staying! Let's make Snow White…"

"Please, call me SW."

"…SW our official eighth dwarf!"

"Here, here!" Carla shouted.

Doug jumped up and down excitedly.

"A real life full-grown in our house! Cool!"

So he joined in the cheering as well.

Well, in spite of everything, I was at least able to end the day by making new friends. I'm glad they like me. Wow, an official dwarf, who knew? I'm not sure the leader guy likes me all that much, but that's okay. Who knows, maybe he'll get over his strange habit of calling me by girls' names!