Aw! This chapter is actually pretty cute. Even for Bryan, I guess. Bryan-cute is far different from Kevin-cute, mind you, but it's cute non-the-less.
Anyway. Written mostly between two and three in the morning. Finished at about three in the afternoon.
Please review!
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Bryan's POV.
Rain is drilling down on me. I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going. I'm standing alone on a street corner, overlooking the cobblestone intersection as if Kevin would randomly collapse into it.
They took him.
I had him, my own perfect little thing, so beautiful and innocent, and they took him from me. I'll kill them, all of them. I will, and this time I won't get conked over the back of the head in the process.
Kevin… is like a gay best friend. And bear with me here, because this makes sense if you listen to me. I love him, and he deserves to be loved, but not in the way that he wants me too. I… Oh hell, I don't know what I'm blathering about. I wish he was a gay best friend. You know full well that I'd bang him any time, in any way. But my problem is that now, he's been taken from me and I feel as if someone has pulled a carpet out from underneath my feet. While I was standing at the top of a staircase. And here I am, soaked to the bone, tumbling down this metaphoric staircase, waiting to land at the bottom and get back on my feet. I'm waiting to get my bearings again and figure out what I'm going to do. And I sound drunk.
So what am I going to do? I don't know. Where would Tala take them? I knew that I had to leave the abbey the second I calmed down. Tala wasn't dumb enough to let me go again, he would call the fuzz on me. And he did; I heard the sirens as I stormed down the streets, three blocks away. It's completely dark outside now, and only the light of an old streetlamp is shining dimly to my left. I've shoved my hands into my pocket and squinted into the pouring rain. And I can't see anything.
Kevin, where are you? Where's that sweet smile, those beautiful eyes, that perfect body? Your voice, so young and gentle, and yet so loud and pained when I make it so? Under what roof are you sleeping tonight, under whose hands are you protected by? What are you thinking? I want to know, I want to talk to you. Hold you. Touch you. Feel you curled in my arms, so small and warm that everything that's ever haunted me falls away. That's it, isn't it? You make all those horrible memories go away. Even when I'm raping you, I still feel this deep rooted need for who you are; a boy with such a perfect family, such a happy life, someone I've wanted to be all my life. When I think of it like that, I want to hurt you, as if doing so can take that happiness away and allow me to keep it to myself. But in reality, I don't want you to be hurt or sad. I want you to smile at the sight of me and embrace me in your tiny arms.
I want your love. Sex or no sex. I want you to want me, to be with me forever. I'll protect you, Kevin. I start to run now, through the rain and the empty streets. There's an odd stinging feeling between my eyes, shivering up and down the bridge of my noise. I don't think I've felt it before, but then… I have.
I'm about to cry.
I haven't cried in so long, that I've forgotten what it feels like. I pump my legs, breath spilling out of me in fast vanishing clouds of fog. Why am I crying for this boy? Why do I need him so badly that I have to ruin everything just to have him? I don't even know that my eyes are watering. Rain is streaking my face either way. If I hadn't noticed the gentle sting of oncoming tears, I would never have known that I was crying.
Damnit, why couldn't someone have taught me how to love? I've never felt someone love me, and I don't know if I'm even loving the right way. No, of course I'm not. Look what I've done, I've fucked everything up. I just want someone to love me. I want Kevin to love me. I want, I want, I want. And what do I get? A face-full of shit, straight from the fan. I turn a corner. Still, the streets are abandoned.
"No, please Bryan, don't do this!"
A tear rolls down my cheek for the first time since I was a very young age.
"Gaah! Go away, don't touch me!"
My fists clench so tightly that the nails break the skin. I swing my arms violently as I run.
"… Moms… moms are like angels, and at the same time, they're completely human."
The memory of him trying to explain what a mother is like suddenly flashes through my mind. He was sitting on that window-sill, trying to keep his eyes from misting over. And all I could do was stare at him wondrously, trying to imaging what my own mother was like. Died giving birth to me, I think. Or sometime when I was very, very young.
And then, as I round another corner and vault over a low wall into a park, I remember the last time I had ever seen Kevin Ki.
I had hit him hard across the face, splitting his eyebrow. I had been beating him, so caught up in whatever emotion I was choking on that I just couldn't stop. I had slammed a stone down onto his ankle so that he couldn't run away. Why was I hurting him so badly? Because he hit me. In his half-hearted defense against the monster I was – am – he had reached up and smacked me. And I broke his ankle for it. I beat the shit out of that small little thing, and had finally stopped to go find some rope. I had to go all the way down to the basement, and when I finally got back up to the room, he was gone.
And the last thing I said to him? Stay put, you little shit.
I skid to a halt. The grass it up to my ankles, crusted over by slush and dirty snow. It's becoming green, slowly. As I stand there, listening to the rain splash against the leaves of the bushes and trees around me, and patter against the stones hidden beneath the grass, I let my eyes fall closed. I have to end this.
I have to end myself.
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Kevin's POV.
Oh my god, food. Real food, not drugged food. Not a small amount, but an actual, decent meal. I throw my arms around Lee's neck and bury my face in his shoulder, and he laughs awkwardly and pats my back.
"Yeah, yeah, breakfast time. You can let go of me now."
I do. I slide off slowly and smile up at him. I know we're in Russia now, and that I had been at the Abbey where the Blitzkrieg Boys grew up. Tala and Ian are downstairs, and Lee and I are sitting in the loft. Appearently, this was a safe house for the Blitzkrieg boys when they had to get away from the Abbey. There's only one floor and a loft, and it's pretty small. But it's comfortable. There's this huge mat-bed thing in the loft, and I haven't really left it since we got here. I've been sleeping a lot. I told Tala about the pills and I did my best to tell Lee about how I hadn't been fed that much and about how… well, I can't even say it here… How Bryan… 'hurt' me.
But anyway. Long explanation short, I've been sleeping a lot. It's really cold here, which is weird. It's the start of summer back home, (or it was whenever I was taken from home,) and here there's still some slushy snow on the ground. It was snowing the last time I was looking out the window at the Abbey, at least. Lee starts talking calmly about something random while we eat. I ask him why it's snowing here, because I know that he's trying to skirt around the whole Bryan thing, and it will help. We eat while he explains climate and temperature and longitude and latitude, and the equator and all that. It's stuff I already know, but its better then talking about Bryan.
I'm sitting in this weird little nest of blankets. I say nest because they're all swirled around me like a birds nest, and I have one draped over my shoulders. I'm warm, and completely comfortable. Lee is sitting next to me. I think he's still talking, but my attention has drifted from the food to the blankets to the small window on the other side of the loft. It's bright outside, and in contrast with the dim light of the loft, the hexagon-shaped window looks like a big white light, illuminating the area around it.
"Kevin?"
I blink. Oh, I should be listening, huh? I turn to find Lee gazing at me sorrowfully.
"Oh… sorry, were you done?"
Lee sighed. I'm not trying to be rude and he knows it. I tilt my head to the side a little before the dizzy takes over – it's been poking in and out for the last… while. I don't really know how long we've been here, something like a day or two days.
"Listen, Kev… I know it will take a little while for the drug to get out of your system, so I don't want you to leave the loft, okay?"
I feel myself nod. No, I want to leave. I'm tired of the loft, Lee, why can't I come downstairs with you?
"Good…"
He hesitates. He wants to say something else, doesn't he? Don't you hate that, when someone is holding back and they think you don't know but it's really obvious and you feel like they're just not taking you seriously? I get that all the time, especially now.
"Knock, knock."
From the far side of the room, Ian has pushed open the hatch to the loft. Lee turns, a little startled, before nodding. Ian nods back and vanishes before Lee returns his attention to me.
"Alright, Kev, I gotta go. You get some sleep, okay? Tala will be right down stairs."
"Where are you going?" I ask immediately, pouting. Lee sighs.
"Shopping, Kev. For food? You've lost a shit load of weight, and we need to eat too, you know."
He smiles half-heartedly and reaches up to push the hair out of my face. His palm lingers against my cheek as he looks at me with that pathetic smile.
"Everything is going to be okay, alright?"
I blink twice, sleepily. His hand pulls away, and my hair falls back into place.
"… Yeah." I say through a yawn. As Lee stands to leave, I rub my eyes with the back of my hands and fall back onto the cushiony blanketed goodness.
"Lee?" I murmur, my voice already slurred from fatigue.
"Yeah, bite-size?"
I yawn again. "Can you bring me some strawberries?"
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Bryan's POV.
He's not in the hospital. No surprise there, actually. Tala is still being eyed by the authorities for not reporting my 'suspicious activities' back when I first kidnapped Ki. He wouldn't risk being affiliated with this mess again, not with the media lurking in every hall of the hospital. So where in god's name would he take my baby? There has to be some place in Moscow where he knew he could safely stay, and remain inconspicuous-
Oooooooh. Oh yeah. The Loft. God, do I feel like a dumbass.
Okay, so the plan is simple. Or at least, I've been trying to make it simple. Find Ki. Keep him calm. Apologize, get one last kiss in, leave on a good note. Or at least, good for me.
And then end it all.
It's not like I have anything to live for. No family, no more friends. I'm wanted in several countries, and the rest of the world will be helping to turn me in. Even if I were to get another facial change, the only thing I'm good at is beyblading. What would I do with the rest of my life? I can just find some little town and settle in. I can't start a family and leave my dark past behind me. I'm not capable of love, apparently.
I slip into a dark alley and pull my trench coat around me. Stalking through the dim light, I twist around corners and squeeze through holes in fences. There are a shitload of back alleys around the Loft, which is why we chose the place. If someone were to come looking for us while we were hiding, there would have been easy escape routes; and lots of them. Now they're working for my advantage yet again; I can get to the Loft without being seen by anyone. Anyone but maybe a few cats and a stray dog, at least.
I'll have to wait until night. Or at least, I thought I would until I made it to the loft and peered in through various windows. All the rooms appeared empty at first, until I reached the kitchen window. I had to duck away instantly.
Tala was sitting at the table, wearing a gray hoodie, eating cereal and reading some magazine. I felt the anger flare again, so untamed and unruly that I had to slip away from the window and take a few deep breaths. Think of Kevin. Think of the only human you've ever really loved.
He must be in the loft, if he's here at all. I can get up there by climbing onto that fence, and pulling myself onto the roof. I'll have to be careful, because it's not the easiest maneuver, and I don't want anyone to hear me.
No one will understand, anyway. I'm a freak, a rapist, a madman. I've kidnapped a little boy and beat him several times. Why would anyone understand what I'm going through? It's not like I expect them too, no one ever has. I pull myself up onto the fence, and in a swift silent motion, swing carefully onto the sloped roof. There's a small hexagon-shaped window that pushes open, and there it is, directly in front of me. I feel myself move towards it, but for some reason, I'm having second thoughts. The world is leaving me, and it feels like the window isn't actually growing closer. The tiles of the roof beneath my feet shift gently, quietly. The clouds drift through the sky overhead slowly. My heart beats steadily, completely undeterred by what's happening around me.
And then my hands are pushing the window open carefully. I peer into the dim light a moment before hoisting myself in, and the second my feet plop against the floor boards and I catch my balance, I begin to the look around the room.
And there he is.
He sniffles. Sleeping, I think. His small form is buried beneath a bundle of blankets. I can see it shift gently as he breathes.
I can't move.
He's so small, so unprotected, so cute. What was my plan again? I hope it involved banging him…
Nope. Just a hug, a kiss, and a good last word. And then I go an kill myself. Dang, what a shit plan. Oh well, it's for the best, I suppose. Besides, at least I can acknowledge that I'm not in the position to be making choices at the moment. I'm a little too dumbstruck and horny to think straight.
He shifts and sighs happily, comfortably. Slowly, I feel myself creep toward the low bed, and kneel beside it. I reach forward slower then I think I've reached for anything in my life and gently tug at the blankets before his face. I pull them down enough, and find much to the fluttering of my giddy heart that he's facing me.
And Jesus H. Christ in heaven above, is he cute right now. He's got one small hand lying right before his face, little fingers curling around some of the blankets. His eyes are closed and he's cuddling into the pillows around him. His hair is a little messy, but that only projects the adorableness. And then, staring across at his sleeping face blankly, I hear it.
Purring.
A gentle drumming vibration, so soft and quiet that I almost don't hear it at all. But I lean in slowly, holding my breath, and tilt my head to the side so that my ear is closer to his face then my nose. And I hear it, so calm and soothing that I close my eyes. A smile creeps over my face; a genuine smile. Not something that's been twisted with the ciaos of lust or longing. But one supported by pure happiness. It's strange, but I like it.
I open my eyes slowly, the smile still curling my lips. Something's different… his purring has stopped. I turn back to face him, smile fading, and jump.
His eyes are wide open. He's staring at me, so horrified that he can't make a noise. I lean away a moment, dumbstruck, before I jump forward and clap a hand over his mouth. He whimpers and flinches violently, but I shush him worriedly.
"No, no, I'm not going to hurt you, okay? I'm just here to say goodbye, please don't scream, Kevin, please!" I hiss in a panic. I don't think I sound angry, but he still looks scared. He pulls back, unable to escape my hand, and tries to bury himself under the blankets. I lean forward still, unwilling to let him get away.
"Please, I won't hurt you I swear, I just want to say goodbye."
He shakes his head frantically. Tears are in his eyes already. Shit, kid, please don't scream, please.
"I'm going to kill myself, okay? I just wanted to end it on a good note with you." I whisper quickly, suddenly. Wait… did I just say that? It seems as though the same thing is running through his head, because he's stopped squirming. He's looking at me now, with some half-way point of horror and confusion and worry on his face. Worry? Hold the phone, what? He's worried?
Slowly, after a moment of still silence, I pull my hand off of his mouth. Don't scream, don't scream, please don't scream…
"W-… what?" He whispers. I lean away a little more, as if doing so would convince him that I was serious about not hurting him.
"…" I open my mouth, but nothing comes out at first. What am I supposed to say to him after that comment? I glance away, mouth falling closed, before I try again.
"I'm here to say goodbye. That's all."
"But… you can't kill yourself."
I… Wait, what the fuck? He doesn't want me dead? I blink several times in recession before it sets in, and I'm let staring at him wide-eyed.
"You… wha?" I blather inelegantly. Shocked, I don't even notice that my mouth is hanging open a little as I stare straight into the beautiful violet eyes. They shift nervously and he wipes them with the backs of his little hands. If I wasn't so shocked, I'd be flipping over how cute that just looked.
"Bryan you… you really hurt me. But… you can't kill yourself."
"What else is there for me?" I retort in a quick, hushed voice. "No one, nothing, no future, not even family. Believe me, I've thought about it. I-"
"Shouldn't kill yourself. It's wrong." He breathes. He's having a hard time saying this, but he means it; I can tell he means it. I sigh dejectedly, confused and sad and panicked.
"Why?" I reply, almost as silently. "Why is it so wrong that someone like me dies? Don't you think everyone would be better off if I just vanished?"
"…" He looks at me now, with such confusion and fear on his face that I don't know what to think. And then, on complete and total impulse, I lean in, and kiss him. It's the most gentle, loving, warm kiss I've ever given anyone. Shocked, he sits there stiff as a board, eyes wide, cheeks flushing. His lips are so soft, and when he doesn't move to pull away after a moment, I slide closer a little and reach up gently, holding him carefully from the back of the head. My lips only leave his as I break for a breath and then kiss him again, a little deeper. No tongue, retard, no tongue. It's not that kind of kiss.
And then, he kisses back. This little thing, this boy only a few years younger then I, so perfect and loved and happy and beautiful, kisses me back. It's gentle, a little hesitant, but his lips shift against my own and his eyes fall closed, and I feel like I'm going to die. I let my hand drop from the back of his head. It lands on his upper back, gently. I can't even remember slamming my fists into his back. All I can think of is how, even though he doesn't have too, even though I'm not forcing it, he's still kissing me.
Why? Why, after all I've done to him, is he kiss me back? After raping him, kidnapping him, and keeping him as a toy is he pushing all of that out of the way and pressing his lips back against my own?
After what feels like forever, though it must have only been a minute or two. He leans away. His head drops, and he can't look me in the eye.
"Don't die." He whispers. I stare ahead, over him. I can't believe what just happened. I've wanted it for so long that after I finally got it, it's like it's still just a dream of mine.
"You can get help. You won't go to jail if they decide you're just a little crazy, you'll just get some help. You don't have to die, okay?" He's whispering. Slowly, he looks up at me with those big, amazing eyes. They're misting over. And with just one look at them, I have my reply.
"Okay."
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Kevin's POV.
"Okay, I'll do it. For you."
I look back down at my hands, fiddling around it my lap awkwardly. I don't want anyone to see me right now, and I'm thankful that I'm alone. It's strange. I figured that if I ever saw Bryan again, I'd be so horrified that I'd pass out from fright. But seeing him now… he looks so sad, so confused, probably more so then me.
I don't know why I kissed him. My mind is reeling. The dizzy is back, swirling around the room like fog on a windy morning. I can't look at him. He's so close to me, and my heart his pounding so hard, but I don't feel afraid. I don't want him dead, he's crazy not evil. He needs help, not eternal damnation. He needs me to forgive him. And I need to forgive him too, or I'll never move on. And I want nothing more then to move on. So he's not going to kill himself, that's good. But what now? Where will he go? It Tala comes up here now, he'll probably kill Bryan either way. Or Bryan will kill him. I don't want anyone to die, or be hurt anymore. I've been hurt the worst, I think, and I don't want anyone else to go through with that.
But… can I forgive him? Maybe I only kissed him because I knew it would keep him from killing himself, but now… my lips feel weird. Not bad weird, but most certainly not good weird. It's… well, it's weird. The whole thing is strange. I don't know what I'm doing. I've never kissed a boy before, and most certainly not one like Bryan.
I'm sitting on the bed, my legs beneath me, my hands in my lap, and Bryan before me. He's either looking at me or past me, but either way, I can't look up to him. I don't know what to do, or what should be done.
And then Tala pushes open the hatch.
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…
Yeah, crap cliffie, oh well. I need to go do my English homework before I go to the movies at four, so I'm a bit rushed. Prepare for the dramatic finale next time, on Innocent Lust! -drama game show music-