"Not funny. Didn't laugh." I lazily closed the tab.
Today I happened to wake up a few hours early before I needed to leave for work, and unfortunately I couldn't fall back asleep. So here I am goofing around to pass the time.
Along the way I got distracted by a few Family Guy funny moments compilations. They were pretty shit to be honest. Like, I was moderately entertained, but it felt empty. Know what I mean?
Before I could do anything else, a notification popped up on the lower right half of the screen. To be more specific, I got an email from Fimfiction.
A quick glance into the email tab told me all I needed to know. One of the fanfics I used to follow has been updated. I don't even remember the last time I had received one of these. As I grew older I stopped reading fanfiction, and the ones I did read either finished or were put on indefinite hiatus. So to see that one did update really surprised me.
"Living The Dream…?" That's a name I haven't heard of in a long time. This fic was one of my favorites back in the day, it didn't hurt that it updated nearly everyday. Though from what I remember it suddenly ended on a really depressing cliffhanger.
I clicked the link to the story and the frontpage of the story was in front of me. It was both familiar and unfamiliar. The classic "Living The Dream" cover art was there, but it looked like it had been redrawn. That's neat.
"Holy shit! Why's there so many chapters?!" From the depth of my memory I recall that the story ended somewhere around chapter one-hundred forty. I kept scrolling through the chapter titles, but it just kept going. There has to be at least over a hundred new chapters.
I glance at the clock. I had around an hour before I had to leave, so there's no harm in rereading some of my childhood.
As I read through the beginning chapters I was swept away with nostalgia. The spelling and grammar is iffy, but the story itself is way funnier than I remember it being. The rapture, Lance's outlandish looks, the characters being out of character(especially Rainbow Dash), it all came together into a hilarious mess.
Then I got to the infamous poisoned cupcake scene. Poor ol' Lance accidentally eats a cupcake that ends up killing him. I'd feel sorry for him if it wasn't so funny.
…
That's weird. After Lance dies he's supposed to meet God and be given a third chance, but all I'm seeing is a blank page.
I scroll down a bit and see the story resume after Lance wakes up in the hospital. Maybe the author messed up the formatting? I wouldn't put it past him.
After that the story continues as normal. Twilight and Lance kiss and go back home while Dash is butthurt. Classic "Living The Dream."
That is until chapter seven happened. At first everything seemed fine, with Celestia telling Lance about the other bronies, but then I reached the end of the chapter.
David never showed up.
Did the author rewrite the story without checking for plot holes? Or maybe he moved David into the next chapter for better pacing? Whatever the answer is, this isn't the "Living The Dream" I remember.
I move over to the next chapter but David isn;t there either. It moves through the story just like it did in the original, but any mention of David is omitted. Like he never existed
David wasn't the only one gone either.
I swear I'm going crazy because this is the chapter where Louie the Brony Dog arrives. A man turning himself into a dog so he can bang Twilight isn't something I would easily forget.
But as I scroll through the story, Louie never arrived.
I sigh and rub my head. I'll never understand the mind of Kickass222urmon.
I glance at the clock. I had around an hour before I had to leave, so there's no harm in reading some more.
I go to the next chapter. Immediately I notice something off. All the text is slightly smaller, like the author turned down the font size. It's an odd choice, but I can manage.
The chapter proceeds as I remember it, excluding the absence of David and Louie. Lance goes to Canterlot Castle and is told by Celestia to deal with a troublesome dragon.
Finally! This means that at least one of the original characters will be here. It was getting really weird having Lance be by himself.
As I read Lance walk through the forest to find the dragon, he starts talking out of nowhere. It's like he's responding to people who aren't there.
What the hell was this author thinking?
Suddenly Lance stops talking in the story. This is the part where Malbatorus the Brony Dragon is supposed to appear, but it looks like he's gone too.
While scrolling I see something out of place. Lance is talking, but I don't know who it's for.
"Sometimes I reenact our conversations to dull the pain, but… this pain is endless."
Okay… that was really gay. I know the author was a teenager when he wrote this, but this is ridiculous. Reminds me of some of the fanfics I buried deep within my hard drive.
Instead of leaving like he was supposed to, Lance stayed there, sulking.
"How can there be a God? All I know is this eternal hell. All I know is this endless cycle…"
Alright, I'm checking out. This story crossed the line of funny edge and cringe edge. I think It's time for me to leave anyway.
I glance at the clock. I had around an hour before I had to leave…
Eh… I guess I could read longer.
I scroll through the read of the chapter. Lance is still sulking like the whiny teen he is. Dude's probably got Linkin Park playing in his head.
I go to the next chapter and… it's more sulking. Did the author go through a break up while rewriting this? Because I remember none of the cryboy sponge tears I'm reading right now.
After about twenty or so chapters of Lance sulking he finally said something. About time really.
"You still haven't left? You're more patient than I was when I was young, that's for sure."
Oh ha ha. Really cheeky author. This trip down memory lane wasn't worth it.
I click the red X button to close the window, but it didn't work. Damn computer must be lagging again. I scroll down a bit to unfreeze the screen but see something odd.
"Oh… trying to leave, Andrew? Sorry but that won't work. Dumbass"
Andrew? Oh yeah my name's Andrew. Forgot to mention that.
But how did the author know my name? Wait no, that's too clever. He probably just picked a name and was lucky that it happened to be mine. Almost got spooked there.
I keep trying to close the window but it's not working. I'm starting to think this story gave my computer a virus or something. I'm not sure how that checks out but it's all I got.
As if to confirm my theory I see the text change before my eyes. It's almost as if Lance is trying to talk to me.
"Yeah I admit this isn't working out like I thought it would. Reading text is really fucking boring. It lacks that oomph."
In a blink the window closed, but this escalade wasn't over yet. Where my desktop was supposed to be was a black screen.
Fuck this.
I glance at the clock. I had around an hour before I had to leave, but I do not care. I'm showing up to work early for once.
I stand up from my desk chair and walk over to my front door (Yeah I had a small apartment, deal with it). As soon as I opened it I saw something unbelievable…
The world outside my home was gone. A pitch black abyss writhed outside the safety of my walls.
What… this is…
"What the hell is going on?!"
My scream went out into the void. Not even an echo, as if it were devoured by the endless terror before me.
Something tells me that this isn't the work of Kickass22urmom.
I slam the door shut and breathe heavily. Everything almost looks normal. Here I can pretend that nothing's wrong.
Well… except for the flickering computer screen back at my desk.
With the world outside gone I had nothing better to do. I slowly dragged myself back to the computer, almost afraid of what I would see.
What I saw was… not very scary…
Lance was on the screen, couldn't mistake those fugly red stripes for anyone else. He resided in a similar black inkscape.
However, there was one thing that stood out. One thing that even the Lance I remember wouldn't have.
His familiar red reptile eyes were replaced with empty sockets. Black ichor dripping down the sides of his face. His face was gaunt, as if the stallion before me forgot what eating is.
I stood there staring at this cliche piece of shit, but he stood there, with only his chapped lips moving slightly.
A look of indignation flashed across his face. The words "Put on your headphones" appeared below him.
Did… did he not realize that… yup. This monitor doesn't have speakers.
As much as I didn't want to, I clearly had little choice. I put on my headphones and heard a raspy voice.
"Andrew…"
Nope. No no no. I do not like this ONE bit.
"Put everything back! I don't want to deal with this! I've got like…" I glance at the clock. "...An hour before I got to go man!"
He stood there unmoving. Then without warning he burst out into a terrible laugh. The sound resembles the mix of tearing metal and drummer. I can see the edges of his mouth tear slightly while he's howling at my apparent joke.
"You don't have a mic! I can't hear you, you fucktard!"
Oh…
"As hilarious as this is, I have a much better idea. Let's get rid of these perceived barriers."
Before I could ponder what he meant by that, I felt something violate my ears. A vicious tar leaked out of my headphones and dug into my eardrums.
I threw my headphones off and tried in vain to scratch this violating substance out, but all I managed to do was tear gouges into the side of my head as I thrashed on the floor.
My body slowly stilled as the liquid darkness took away what control over my body I had, and all I saw was a familiar void.
…
Then out of… somewhere… Lance appeared. It was impossible to tell what direction anything was in this place.
"Don't worry, it'll be over soon."
I tried my hardest to say something… anything, but I could only gasp out a few jumbled words.
"W…Why… uo… thi…s…"
A look appeared on the demonic looking Lance's face.
"My motive… my story. I had a book detailing all of that long ago, but I lost it." He walked over to where I was. "But nothing could describe the pain of this endless cycle."
"Long ago… so long ago… the Watcher arrived out of nowhere in that unnatural ship of his. He threatened to destroy everything for his pursuit of purity like the mad god he was." Lance stomped his hoof down onto the ground. Even though nothing happened, I felt as if the place around us threatened to tear apart.
"Me and my friends went to fight him, but we never stood a chance. He killed us like we were fucking nothing. It's embarrassing how badly we got raped."
This sounds familiar. Wait! This was the way the story ended. Lance had everything taken away from him by a being known as the Watcher. I thought that ending kinda sucked.
"Everyone was dead. Frederick, Peter, my other friends, Twilight, Spark, my other kid, my mom, La Fluky, Cody. All dead… except for me. I was given a special punishment. The Watcher sent me back in time to where it all began, right after the rapture. I was forced to do The Watcher's goddamn chores like a fucking slave. I couldn't talk to any of my friends. I couldn't get together with Twilight. I had to… kill Frederic, the man I thought a brother. For years I spent on the sidelines watching as the world moved on, as if my life never happened. But one day I lost it. I didn't care what The Watcher said, I wasn't going to be his bitch anymore! I went to Twilight's house to tell her I love her… but instead I met that stupid faggot ass piece of shit James Wash. Twilight had already fallen for another man, but this one only saw her as a talking sex doll. He didn't love her like I did. So I killed him. I killed him and I ran, murder is illegal you know. I hid for decades. The police always close behind. The first round lasted for around 30 years, I think. I was caught reading my story to children at a library. Admittedly pretty retarded of me but that's the past. I was brought to trial before Queen Twilight, oh yeah she usurped the princesses a while ago, forgot to mention that, and was found guilty of murder. Meadow Glory tried her hardest to defend me, but the Queen didn't care. Not even the statute of limitations could convince her. I was given the death penalty and executed by the love of my life. What a fucking bummer. Instead of waking up in heaven, I appeared before The Watcher. He was unimpressed with my choices in my second life. He didn't put me into a jar like he promised. No no no no no… what he did was much worse. He made me do it again. I was put back in the exact same spot as before, right after the rapture. I immediately killed myself, to go through that hell one was enough. The actual Hell wouldn't compare to that, at least I think so, I've never been there funnily enough. That didn't work. The Watcher restarted everything again. Back in that same FUCKING spot with those depressing ass clothes, or cloths, whatever. I could talk about what I did that round, but I don't really remember. They all blend together. Each and every fucking cycle I watched as everything always went wrong. All I wanted was to be with my family, but every time they would die horribly, or I would get caught up in something I didn't do or care for. Though at some point, I couldn't even tell you what cycle this was, I noticed that I was continually getting stronger each cycle. Maybe The Watcher's energy was rubbing off on me like God's holy energy. Whatever happened had changed me into something unrecognizable. Then THAT cycle happened. In that one cycle I killed David by accident, we got into an argument about my identity and I punched him in anger. He died instantly, his head popping like a shitty walmart balloon. But I felt it, his life, his SOUL, was consumed by me. I felt more full than I did in a long time. I thought of a terrible plan. If I killed and consumed enough people I could possibly stand up against The Watcher. What I became is what I am now, a monster. But I had to do it! I had no choice! I couldn't keep going through anymore of those fucking cycles like an overbearing washing machine! From then on I only focused on collecting more and more energy each cycle. At first it hurt to keep killing my friends, to become the monster that devoured for strength, but it would all be okay in the end. I ate a baby. For some reason The Watcher never caught on but that's his problem. Then it all ended in the final cycle, I appeared before The Watcher after turning Equestria into a wasteland. I killed him. I finally fucking killed The Watcher… I ate him as I did the rest. But then everything reset again. I thought it was over, that I get to be home again. But no, fuck me I guess. Everything went exactly like it did in the original timeline, and by exactly I fucking mean it. It doesn't matter what happened, they would stick to some script and ignore everything else. It was just another hell of cycles. But this time I heard something I didn't before. Voices. Almost like narrators sent to talk shit about me. That's when I found it, a world beyond my own. My life was nothing but a shitty fanfic to them. So I studied really hard to find a way out of my current shithole of a situation. I would send pieces of my essence to them in the form of the story updating. And that's how I got here. That's my story."
My condolences… or whatever. I kinda tuned out.
Hold on… now that I think of it Lance's voice is really familiar. It sounds almost identical to this one Let's Read of the story. Sucks they never got that far though, it's almost as if they disappeared.
"I finally found my out! Fuck yeah BAY-BEE! I'm free ha ha ha!" Lance stood on his hind legs and jumped around like an excited child. Damn that's embarrassing.
Once again I tried to choke out a few more words, but this time not even a whisper could form.
"Let's get this shit over with. I'm getting kinda giddy, oh boy!" My world erupted into solid pain. My entire essence being stretched like a pig. If I could see anything other than black I bet it'd still be black, cause this hurts.
Finally the pain stopped. I attempted to stand up but my body felt misshapen, like a jigsaw puzzle put together wrong.
I finally opened my eyes. What I saw shook me worse than any seizure could.
"Yo what the fuck is this?! Oh god no!" In the place of my hands were hoofs… connected to cyan fur with red stripes. "I'm fucking Girokon!"
"I'd feel sorry for you buddy, but I don't really care. Nice bod by the way." A voice said from above me.
I looked above me and saw a window with… me? I could see my body back in my apartment through the screen.
Oh no.
"This feels fucking awsome! I haven't been in a human body for… a long fucking time!" Lance flexed my body, trying to readjust into a bipedal form.
"That's not yours! Give it back man!" I tried to reach through the screen, but it wouldn't budge no matter what I did.
"No can do! I did my time." Lance snapped his… my fingers. "Have fun in there. You'll be in there for a long, LONG time."
The window disappeared.
I fucking cried and shit my pants.