Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks to all of you who are reading this story. I hope that you enjoy this latest chapter. It's a bit of a mixed bag as far as emotions go.

Big thanks as always to Kaz for proofreading, you're a gem.

Meredith awoke first the next morning, surprised at how natural it felt to lay next to Derek. She smiled inwardly at the thought of them making love the previous night. She was glad that she had waited and given herself to Derek, she couldn't imagine doing such things with anyone else. Derek was so patient and understanding when she was hesitant and she loved him all the more for it.

Looking over at him still asleep she still couldn't believe that in a few short weeks she would be leaving him to go to College half-way around the world. She hadn't told him yet. She knew that she had to tell him today, but wanted to enjoy their new found intimacy a little longer.

Meredith rose and tiptoed to the bathroom, to inspect the damage that she knew must be there. She had to admit, that things had gotten a little out of hand at one stage or another throughout the night. Looking at herself in the vanity mirror she found that there were faint bruises on her hips, and a very purple love bite on her neck.

Meredith reached up to touch it and was surprised when it didn't hurt much, but very grateful that she had long hair that would cover that little bit of evidence - if Ellis saw that all hell would break loose! Her clothes would take care of the rest. Meredith rather liked the fact that Derek had left his 'mark' on her.

Walking back to the bed, she grabbed her jeans, t-shirt and some fresh underwear. Sitting next to Derek she leaned over and placed a kiss on his lips to wake him up.

"Morning sleepy head" she said teasingly.

"Who you calling sleepy head? You not long got up yourself. I was all nice and snug, then someone got up and I had a cold patch." he grumbled

"Sorry about that chief, but we had to get up eventually. I'm hungry, that's what woke me up. I need food, I'm sure that there's some left over pizza or something in the fridge that we could eat for breakfast." Rising off the bed, she proceeded to get dressed.

"Meredith, you can't be serious? We can't eat that crap for breakfast! Cold Pizza is not breakfast food." he grumbled again, with his eyes still closed.

"We'll have this argument downstairs. While you are getting dressed, I'll go and check to make sure that the coast is clear. C'mon up you get."

"Okay, Okay. I'm coming. I want you to come here first though." he said reaching for her.

As she moved back over to the bed, Derek grabbed her hands and pulled her down on top of him. Squealing as she fell, she began to laugh.

"Derek what are you doing? We have to get up."

"I know Meredith, but do you call that a good morning kiss? After last night I expected so much more of you!" he replied jokingly.

"You expected more did you? Well I wouldn't want to disappoint now would I?" she retorted.

Derek pulled her in close, taking her mouth in passionate possession. His mouth moved over hers, the kiss deep and hungry, flooding her with waves of desire, so hot, so strong that she thought that she might spontaneously combust from the heat. Meredith couldn't get enough of his mouth, but especially his tongue. Each time it invaded her mouth, she wanted to keep it there, prisoner of her own desire.

Derek finally broke the kiss, leaving Meredith immediately bereft. She looked down at him questioningly, her eyes dark with wanting. Derek pressed his lips to hers again in a brief, but firm kiss.

"Now that's what I call a good morning kiss. I think that I should get up now, don't you?"

"Yes, yes, of course" Meredith stammered still a little shocked at the abrupt ending to their kiss.

"Meredith, there is nothing I would like better than to spend the day in bed, making glorious love to you, but I don't think that your mother would appreciate it if she came up here and found her daughter in bed with her boyfriend. Do you?" Derek asked.

"No, I guess you are right. Just for the record, I'd like nothing better either. You get dressed and I'll go and make sure that the coast is clear."

Making her way downstairs with a spring in her ste, Meredith realised that her mother and Richard hadn't come home the previous night. Must have been a big night she thought to herself as she made her way to the fridge to get a piece of pizza while she waited for Derek.

Turning at the sound of Derek approaching she smiled, the last 24 hrs had been better than she could have ever imagined. Despite all the happiness that she was feeling, she knew that later that day things would be dramatically different. Derek came to a halt in the doorway of the kitchen, staring at her in disbelief, he shook his head.

"I can't believe that you are eating cold pizza for breakfast. That's wrong Meredith, on so many levels."

"Yeah, yeah. I needed to eat something while I was waiting for you to style your hair!!" she replied sarcastically.

"C'mon we'll go and get some breakfast from the diner and see what Mark and Addi are up to today. Maybe we could get a few of us together and have a game and lunch down the park. It's a beautiful day, we should make the most of it. Soon enough we'll be back in school."

Meredith groaned inwardly, knowing that he had just given her a golden opportunity to come clean, but she delayed the inevitable yet again.

"That sounds like a great idea. Let's do it."

"Have you told him yet about Oxford?" Addison asked as she and Meredith sat watching the guys play football.

"No, I keep putting it off, and I know I shouldn't. But Addi, things are so perfect at the moment. Last night was absolutely amazing, more than I even thought it could be, I just want to make the most of it while it lasts." Meredith replied.

"That's all well and good Meredith, but you have to tell him eventually. Are you going to wait until you are leaving to go to the airport? That's not fair, and so not like you. Derek will understand why you are going. He might be upset to start with, but he'll get over it. He's reasonable and only wants what's best for you. You know that."

"I know Addi, but I just can't bring myself to voice it. It's not like I haven't had the opportunity to tell him. I'm a coward, it's as simple as that. I can't tell him that I'm going to the other side of the world for god knows how long, when for the last 2 years all we've talked about is how great it was going to be when we went to College. We had it all planned you know that. Now I'm going to ruin it. Upset? I think that's an understatement!"

Meredith was now on the verge of tears. What was she doing? Essentially she was throwing away the only relationship in her life that made any sense (apart from her friendship with Addi). Derek was the most important person in her world and in a month she was leaving him. Was she insane? Some might say certifiable. But her mother had convinced her that this was a fantastic opportunity and that she shouldn't throw these sort of chances away on a man (or boy as she had called him).

"You have to tell him Meredith, and soon. Otherwise the guilt is going to eat you up and then he'll know that something's up and it will be all the worse because you haven't told him."

Addison, she was going to miss her good sense so much when she was away. Who would tell her when she's being an idiot?

"I know, but I'm not doing it when there is a bunch of people around. I'll tell him later this afternoon when it's just him and me. I think that it will be better that way. Then again, if there's an audience, at least he can't kill me..." Meredith joked, trying unsuccessfully to lighten the moment.

Addison leaned over and enveloped Meredith in a bear hug.

"Just remember Meredith, he loves you. You don't have to be Einstein to figure that out. He might yell and scream, but that's only because he's hurting. He will get over it and you guys will get through this. People have successful long distance relationships all the time."

Meredith knew that Addison was trying to reassure her, but Meredith wasn't so sure that everything was going to be so rosy. Lost in her own thoughts, Meredith didn't realise that the boys had finished their football game and everyone was leaving.

"Meri, are you ready to go? I'm starved and thought we might go grab some dinner with Mark and Addi. What do you think?" Derek asked

"Sorry Derek, I was in my own little world. Dinner sounds nice, but I think that Addi had plans with Mark - just the two of them if you know what I mean. Maybe we should just go grab something ourselves." Meredith suggested.

"Oh! Okay. Anything in particular? We can have anything but Pizza. That's my only stipulation."

"How does Chinese sound?" she questioned.

"Great! We'll go to your place, order in and watch a couple of movies. Unless of course you have other plans?" he said, winking at her suggestively.

"Derek Shepherd! Is that all you can think about now? I'm hungry, food first, then we'll see what happens."

"See you guys tomorrow. Don't do anything we wouldn't do Shep!" teased Mark, ever the smartass.

"Well that gives me a lot of scope now doesn't it?" Derek replied.

"I'll ring you tomorrow Meri, good luck and remember what I said." Addison and Meredith embraced briefly.

"Thanks Addi, I will."

Derek reached for Meredith's hand as they walked back toward the car. Something was up with her, she'd been in a funny mood all day. He just wished that she would tell him what was up. If he'd done something wrong he couldn't fix it if she wouldn't talk to him.

"Meredith, is everything alright? You've been a little off all day. You aren't having second thoughts about what happened last night are you? Or are you worried about what my expectations are now?" Derek enquired worriedly.

"No Derek. I'm not regretting what we did or worried about what you expect. If I wasn't comfortable with what was happening I know that it wouldn't have happened."

"There's something wrong. I know it. You aren't normally this quiet and then Addi wished you luck before she left. What was that about?"

"Nothing, it's Okay. Let's just go home."

"No Meredith, we are not leaving until you tell me what's wrong. You're worrying me now. You are never like this unless there's something up. Now spill it!" Derek demanded.

Angrily Meredith ripped her hand out of his. She turned to face him, knowing that it could all be over right here, right now.

"Okay, I'll tell you what's wrong with me. But first you need to know this: I love you Derek Shepherd, you are the most important person to me in the world - even more important than Addison and you know that's saying something. I would never in my life do anything intentionally to hurt you. I can't imagine my life without you - "

"I know, I love you too Meredith, you have to know that - " Derek interrupted.

"Derek, please let me finish. This is hard enough." she paused to take a steadying breath.

"What's hard enough? Meredith what's going on?"

"Derek! Let me finish. I need to tell you this. I've been keeping something from you and it's not right. I'm not going to NYCU with you. I applied to Oxford and got in. Mom thought that it would be good for me to get some perspective and independence. It's a great opportunity for me, I could learn so much. They only take a few international students a year and I got in. I'm sure only because of who my mother is, but nevertheless, I've been accepted." Meredith supplied this information as she usually did, talking 100 miles an hour so that she was barely understood.

Derek stood there simply dumbfounded. He had no words. Usually very smooth and articulate, words failed him this time.

"Derek, did you hear me? I'm not going to NYCU - " she began to explain again, slower this time so that he might take it all in.

"I heard you, but I'm not sure that I heard you correctly, because I'm sure that I heard you say that you aren't going to NYCU with Me. But that can't be right, because we've been planning this for 2 years. I can't have heard you right, because if I did that means that you are going to Oxford University which is half a damn world away! I must have been mistaken, you couldn't have said that." Still clearly dumbfounded by her earlier outburst, he just looked at her.

"Meredith...Oh my god! You are going to Oxford. I wasn't mistaken. This is just fantastic, bloody fantastic. Congratulations Meredith." he said his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh thank god, your not angry with me. Addi said that you'd be Okay with it, that you only wanted what was best for me. I'm so glad that you understand that I need to do this." She said happily, launching herself into his arms.

Derek caught her, but more as a reflex action than intent to capture her in an embrace. Putting her apart from him, he simply looked down at her and shook his head.

"What? Derek?"

"You misunderstood me. I was being sarcastic. How could I be happy about something that means I'm not going to get too see my girlfriend? How are we supposed to have a relationship? You are going to be on the other side of the world. I can't believe that you would do this to us. You say that I am the most important person in your life, yet you're moving half a world away from me. Understand? No Meredith I don't understand. I don't understand anything about this. Why do you think this is a good idea? Your mother never takes any interest in what you do yet, now she wants you to go halfway around the world to go to Med school, when we have great schools right here in America. I don't understand Meredith, not at all. How long have you known about this?" He demanded

"I've known for about a month. I told Addi 2 weeks ago. She's happy for me. Why can't you be? I expected more of you Derek. I thought that you would support me in whatever I wanted to do. I realise now that rule only applies if it falls in with your plans. I thought that we would be able to find a way to work this out. People have long distance relationships all the time, but apparently that isn't what you want." Meredith was crying now.

Derek didn't like to see her upset, but she was ripping his heart out. He couldn't console her when he was hurting just as much. She'd had weeks to get used to the idea of leaving him, but she expected him to find out and just run with it? He knew that he was being unfair and callous and selfish, but Meredith was important to him and they'd had plans, now she had gone and ruined everything.

"Meredith, we had plans. Plans that we made together with Mark and Addi. When on earth are we supposed to see each other? You know what Med school schedules are like. We'd barely see each other if we were in the same zip code, but another continent on the other side of the world? Seriously, it couldn't be done. Isn't there anything that I can say to change your mind?" he pleaded with her, his eyes filling with tears.

"I can't believe that you would even ask me to do it, let alone expect me to! I'm one of only a few each year. Did you hear that Derek? I'm privliged to be given this opportunity and I'm not about to give it all up. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't dream of asking you to give it up. I'd be upset, no doubting that, but I wouldn't ask you to give it all up for me. That's just plain selfish Derek."

"Privliged? Yes you are. Do you seriously think that they would have even looked at you if you weren't the Great Ellis Grey's daughter? No, they wouldn't have. Go to Oxford then Meredith, if that's what you really want. Go and enjoy yourself. I hope that it's everything that you want and so much more. I can't guarantee that I'll be here when you get back!"

Derek strode away in disgust. He couldn't believe her. He couldn't believe that he had said those horrible hurtful things to her. But he had lashed out because he was hurting. He knew that didn't excuse his behaviour, but he couldn't stop. He'd wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt him, and he had. He could tell by the look of shock and despair in her eyes that he had hurt her, badly too. Who was he kidding with that crack about not being there when she got back. Meredith was the only one for him, no getting away from that. He'd just have to find a way to deal with the pain of not having her around.

I can't believe he said those things to me! Who does he think he is? My god, the hide of the man! Well, that played out pretty much how I thought it would. Seems I know him a little better than Addi and Mark. He'll get over it my ass!!

Mom was right, a little perspective and distance might be good for me. Well Derek Shepherd, you told me to go, so I'm going. I'll just have to find a way of getting on with life with this massive, gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be.

England here I come...

A/N: Not such a happy ending to the chapter I know, but essential none the less. Also, I know that Meredith went to Dartmouth, but that didn't really fit in with my story so I took some artisitc licence.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter, please review and let me know what you think.