Chapter Five. Am I in Heaven Here Or Am I In Hell?

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AN – Okay, after an seriously long break here is chapter 5. So sorry about the ridiculously long time it took me to update, high school graduation and exams got in the way. Anyway, hope you like the chapter, reviews are appreciated! Thanks to my beta Ellie for all her help. The chapter title is from 'Hold On' by Sarah McLachlan.

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Brooke wandered slowly down the main street of Tree Hill just minutes later. The street was as busy as usual, but it had the sense of sleepiness that it always had. As a child Brooke had dreamt of leaving and going away to the city, getting as far away from Tree Hill as she could. But over the years Brooke had come to love her hometown more than she ever thought she would, and now she had no desire to leave. At least, she hadn't until now. Now a part of her wanted to run away from here, to anywhere. Just away. She was so tired, drained.

She looked at the people on the street through her misty green eyes, frowning as she saw them smile. She tried not to think of him, but somehow trying not to think of him only made her think of him more. She hadn't expected him to say that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her. She hadn't been prepared for that. She had prepared herself for him refusing to talk, giving her the cold shoulder or saying that he didn't want to try to fix things. But him saying he might not want to be with her was so much worse than him saying he didn't want to try and fix things, which was what she had thought to be the worst-case scenario. As much as she had always questioned her relationship with Lucas, she never thought he would actually say he didn't want to be with her. Screw up, yes. Lie to her, yes. But not break up with her. Of course he hadn't actually done that, 'yet' she thought. But in a way, his being so distant and cold was much worse. She hated not knowing where they stood or where they were going.

She looked down at the ground as she continued to walk, getting fed up of seeing smiling faces whilst she felt so broken. Her hair fell over the sides of her face while her bangs hid her forehead, leaving only a small part of her face exposed.

"Ooh, sorry!" someone spoke.

Brooke apologised as she looked to see a pram and a woman before her. The woman had been looking into the pram and Brooke had been staring at the ground, and the two had narrowly escaped a collision. But this wasn't just any woman, it was one Brooke knew.

"Karen..! Hi."

"Brooke, it's good to see you." She walked around the pram and gave Brooke a quick hug.

"It's good to see you too." Brooke spoke with sincerity. In truth, Karen had been more of a mother to her than her own, and Brooke hadn't seen her in quite a while, considering the problems she and Lucas were having and Brooke had really missed talking to her. "You look great" Brooke said to Karen before looking down at the baby wiggling in the pram and quickly continuing. "Ohh… Lottie's gotten so big!"

"Thank you. And I know, she's getting bigger by the day!" Karen responded with a slight laugh, like Lucas often did, or had rather often used to, Brooke thought.

Brooke squatted down before the pram and gently touched the baby's left hand while her right hand waved a rattle.

"Hi little girl.." Brooke spoke softly to the child. "Remember me? Brooke."

"She loves you Brooke. You know if you ever want to drop round to see her you can." Karen offered as Brooke stood back up again. "With or without Lucas." She added, not wanting to pressure Brooke into talking about him but wanting her to know that she was more than just Lucas' girlfriend to her.

"Thank you, Karen." Brooke said sincerely.

"And if you do ever need someone to talk to, you know you can come to me. I know I am his mother but if you ever want to talk then, I can temporarily not be."

Brooke smiled and hugged Karen.

"Thank you" she repeated and broke the hug giving Karen a smile, showing her gratitude.

- - -

It was just after nine when Lucas arrived at Tommy's house. He could hear the music pounding behind the closed front door, He knocked and the door quickly swung open, the music soaring out into the quiet street. The guy behind the door was someone Lucas vaguely recognised from college, but he didn't know his name. His scraggly brown hair floated around his face and he clung to the open door. His eyes were swollen and he swayed slightly on the spot. Lucas sensed the guy had had one too many drinks.

"Hi, I'm Lucas." Lucas introduced himself and shook the guy's hand.

"Hey.. I'm Jason." the guy's words were slurred. "You a friend of Tommy's?"

"Yeah."

"Then come on in man."

"Thanks."

Lucas entered the house as Jason shut the door behind him and wandered off in the direction of the nearest keg. Lucas inspected the scene before him. There were lots of people dancing in a space in the living room far too small to accommodate the number of moving bodies. He saw couples making out, both on the dance floor and on the couches and armchairs in the room. There were lots of people standing around, drinking and talking. Lucas saw Tommy walking over to him.

"Hey Luke, thanks for coming!"

"Hey Tommy."

"Listen, you can grab a drink over there." He pointed towards a table with kegs and cans on it. "I'll see you later." Tommy gave Lucas a pat on the shoulder and disappeared into the crowd.

"Okay…" Lucas responded, but Tommy was already gone.

Lucas already felt out of place, and so he followed Tommy's suggestion of getting a drink. He picked up a blue plastic cup and filled it with beer from one of the three kegs. He took a swig of the drink, and as he did he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and someone said his name.

"Luke…"

He turned around, seeing possibly the last person he would have expected to. The last person that it was good for him to see.

"Peyton…". For a second he wasn't sure it was her, but it was. The same blonde hair, though now a little longer, on its way to Brooke's length and the same green eyes that had once intrigued him. He managed to find words and continued. "What are you doing here?"

"I would've preferred a how are you?" she laughed.

"Sorry, I just wasn't expecting to see you here."

"It's okay, I know. I wasn't really expecting to see you either, but I guess you are the one who lives here right? I'm the one who moved away." She looked down, and Lucas couldn't help but notice that she looked sad.

She was standing by her car, the car that she had nearly collided into him in. That seemed so long ago, and Lucas couldn't believe it was only two years, they had been through a lot, experienced more than they ever had expected and things had changed so much since then. She was wearing her robes, and hurriedly put the key in her car lock, looking like she wanted more than anything to not be here. He knew it was now or never, he had to talk to her. He had to know if the rumour he had just heard was true.

"Peyton..!" He called and walked over to her.

She looked up at him, an uncomfortable look on her face. "Luke.."

"Pretty weird huh? We're done with high school." He didn't want to ask her what he wanted to know immediately; truth was he was uncomfortable too. This was hard.

"Yeah" she gave a nervous laugh and avoided his gaze.

"So listen, I kinda heard something today."

"Look Luke, I…" she trailed off, she didn't know what to say or how to start.

"Is it true?" He asked gently. "Do you…" he hesitated, "have feelings for me?"

Her eyes flickered and her mouth opened a moment before she spoke. "Yes." She confessed.

Quickly snapping out of her moment of sadness, she looked up at him and continued. "I came back just for a night. My friend from college invited me to a party, and then when she told me it was in Tree Hill I just thought that it would be nice to be home for a night, just to see home again, just to remember."

Lucas nodded. "Who's your friend?" He didn't mean to sound so abrupt, but the truth was that he had always been slightly mad that Peyton had left after graduation without so much as a goodbye. He had called her once, and all she had said was that she needed to start over and get away from everything, Lucas assuming the 'everything', meant him. But they had been friends, good friends, and Lucas thought that that had to count for something. Yet, he couldn't judge her badly, he did know the feeling of desperately wanting to be with somebody, somebody you couldn't have. He had felt that for Brooke, when she was with Felix and when she refused to commit to him.

"Katie." Peyton replied.

"Katie, she's Tommy's girlfriend right?" Lucas knew the name sounded familiar.

"Yeah. You know Tommy?"

"Yeah, from college." He explained.

"Oh. That makes sense that you'd be here at his party then." Peyton laughed lightly, almost awkwardly.

"Yeah." As a silence fell over them Lucas looked at her outfit, skinny leg jeans and a white tank top with graffiti print on it. She could be dropped straight back into high school, she was dressed exactly the same way as she always had been.

"I know this is kind of weird. Us. And I know it's been a long time and we've moved past everything… But I just want you to know Luke, you don't have to feel awkward or bad or anything. It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong, I knew you weren't in love with me, that's why I didn't tell you. And I didn't want to mess things up with you and Brooke."

"It wouldn't have changed anything between me and Brooke." He said slightly sternly. "But.. I am sorry, Peyton." He said sincerely.

"Seriously Luke, it's fine." He nodded. "And anyway, its not like you can choose who you love." Lucas thought about this. He hated the way she made it sound like he should be pitied for being in love with Brooke, and if he could choose, he wouldn't have chosen Brooke. Lucas knew that even if back then, he could have chosen and not let his heart make the decision, he still would've chosen Brooke.

"So, how are you?" She asked.

"I'm good. I'm doing literature at UNC, its really great." He said, he avoided mentioning Brooke. Peyton was the last person he wanted to discuss his relationship with Brooke with.

"That's great Luke. I'm glad you're happy." She said genuinely.

"Thanks Peyton." He smiled, attempting to disguise the sadness hidden behind it. Peyton had assumed he was happy, but any chance at happiness was being lost due to the poor state of his relationship with Brooke. "How about you...? Are you happy?"

"Yeah. Amazingly, I am."

"I'm glad, Peyton. Really," He spoke sincerely. He was glad Peyton was happy, she deserved it. But so did he and Brooke. Somehow, in some strange way, seeing Peyton made Lucas remember everything he and Brooke had gone through to be together. Love triangles, his mistakes, her insecurities and every other thing. He knew it would be absurd if all that went to waste and they couldn't find a way to make it through. He knew that. But that was all he knew.