Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling, George Lucas, and JRR Tolkien respectively.
We now present…the Good Guys!
"And so then, Voldemort was like, 'I've thrown everything at you! What are you going to do now?' and you know what I did? I giggled at him and then beat him." Harry gazed around the room at his fellow "good guys"; they were all having a sleep over. Ron, he was pleased to see, was filled with adoration after his story, but the others didn't seem to be paying attention.
Luke Skywalker sat idly in a corner, using the Force to zoom random objects across the room. Han Solo was fiddling with his gun. Frodo, it seemed, was rocking back and forth and talking to himself, and Sam had disappeared; Harry thought he could hear noises coming from the kitchen.
Han Solo looked up from his tinkering. "Are you done kid? You're boring."
Abruptly, Harry felt his eyes fill with tears at Han Solo's accusation. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry. As a mixture of sadness and angstiness filled him, Harry struggled to speak without letting his tears show. "So what do you want to do then?"
"I don't know kid, anything but listen to you. Duh."
Harry suddenly had the uncontrollable urge to yell. "You know what Han Solo?! You're just a side kick! A stupid side kick! LUKE! Why don't you do something about him?! He's YOUR side kick!!"
Luke, upon hearing Harry scream his name, lost concentration on the box he was currently floating around the room and it immediately fell on Frodo's head.
Frodo looked at the box hatefully and went back to stroking his ring. Only when Sam was around was Frodo relatively normal and hobbit-like.
Luke was well aware that trying to control Solo was a wasted effort, however, he wanted Harry to stop yelling. It was annoying. He waved his hand lazily in front of Han Solo's face and said, "You will stop bothering Harry Potter."
Han Solo looked at Luke and said, "I told you not to do that kid. It's irritating." Luke simply shrugged.
Solo turned back to Harry. "You know what? Your parents are dead and nobody loves you." He pulled a large vodka bottle out from his sleeping bag and took a large gulp.
Harry couldn't breathe. What did Han Solo mean, nobody loves him? Everybody loves me, thought Harry bitterly. I'm freaking Harry Potter. EVERYONE on this planet loves me. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice Ron come over to his side.
"I love you, Harry," said Ron adoringly. "You're so cool, and smart, and just way better than me."
"Go away, Ron!" yelled Harry. "I'm all alone in this world! Let me be alone! I hate all of you people! You don't understand what it's like to be the hero!" Ron, who staunchly believed this was Harry's way of showing his love, walked away happily.
At Harry's outburst, Luke, who was now working on fixing Frodo's toy lightsaber for him, looked up and raised his eyebrows. He shook his head, and went back to the lightsaber, an exact replica of his father's.
Solo grumbled to himself and took another swig of his vodka. He settled back into an arm chair and took out a copy of "Interstellar Hustler" and proceeded to ignore the rest of the group.
Sam bustled around handing out night time snacks to the good guys. "Here you go, Mr. Frodo! Tea and cakes, a perfect snack for a hungry hobbit!"
Frodo took the snack, "Thank you, Sam. Without you I would surely lose the battle against hunger."
Sam smiled softly, "Anything for you, Mr. Frodo."
Harry coughed loudly, "I'D like some tea and cakes too you know!" He scowled at the hobbits. "Stupid hobbitses…"
"Yeah, me too! You know…" began Luke.
Solo sighed, "Oh dammit, here we go again…"
"My aunt and uncle are dead, my parents are dead" his bottom lip quivered.
"Yeah, well MY PARENTS ARE DEAD TOO!" Harry's eyes began to water. Why doesn't anybody understand me? My problems are so complex Harry sniffled loudly.
Luke turned and screamed at Harry, "AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T SNOG YOUR SISTER!"
Frodo added his voice to the fray, "YEAH, WELL I HAD TO DEAL WITH FRIGGEN HORDES OF ORCS AND LIVING TREES!"
Sam and Ron sat next to each other quietly, watching the hissy fits of the three heroes rage. Sam handed Ron a cake. Ron looked at Sam, his eyes full of wonder. "You…you would give this to me?"
Sam smiled, "Of course! We're friends, friends give each other gifts."
"Harry…Harry only gives me his left-overs," Ron looked up into the hobbit's eyes.
Sam smiled and patted Ron on the hand. Solo leaned over and grab a handful of the cakes and began to unceremoniously eat them between mouthfuls of vodka.
"Mr. Solo would you like—"
"Shut up, fat hobbit," Solo turned the page in his magazine.
"I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES OF DOBBY BEING UNDER MY BED!" Harry's voice dropped to a whisper, "Watching me….always watching….and giggling."
"At least you didn't have a balding lizard with a speech impediment try and eat you…" Frodo said hugging his elf doll.
Luke sniffled quietly, "She's my sister….."
Harry stuck out his jaw; I'll be strong for them. They need my leadership. I will be the rock in their stormy seas of life. I am the chosen one, I can do this.
Frodo's eyes grew large. A small squeaky voice came out of his inner chest pocket, "Frooodooo, oh Froooodoooo, put me on Frodo. Put me on, we can defeat these other heroes. We don't need them." Frodo began to rock back and forth, mumbling to himself. "Shut up, shut up, I won't listen to you. Shut up."
Luke tilted his head to the side, much like a confused puppy, and watched Frodo.
Harry leapt up and pointed his wand at Frodo, "It's Voldemort! Voldemort has possessed him!"
"Harry, NO!" Ron got up and made a slow motion jump for Harry. "Dun…dun….DDDDUUUUUUNNNN," he tackled Harry, making the sound effects as he slowly dropped Harry to the ground, "PWSSH-Boooom…"
Harry struggled against Ron, "Get off me, you ugly wanker!" He hit Ron upside the head.
Sam ran over to Frodo and wrapped his arms around him, "Fight it, Mr. Frodo! Fight it, don't listen to the ring!" He rocked Frodo tightly in his arms.
After a moment, Frodo looked up into Sam's eyes. "Thank you, Sam…" He put his hand softly on Sam's cheek.
"Damn gay hobbits…" Solo turned the page in his magazine with a sigh.
"RON!" Harry called. "I'm getting sleepy. Can you come tuck me in?"
As Ron walked over to Harry, Sam turned to Luke, Frodo, and Solo. "I think it's time for all the heroes to go to bed actually. You don't want to wear yourselves out!" He began to help Frodo into his sleeping bag.
Luke watched Harry and Frodo being pampered by their sidekicks and began to get jealous. "Han Solooooo," he whined. "Why don't you ever tuck me in? Why doesn't anyone love me? Oh my god, I kissed my sister! I hate my life!" Luke burst into tears and burrowed into his sleeping bag.
Solo rolled his eyes. Why the hell am I here? I'm not sidekick material. Han Solo believed he should have been the hero. He WAS a hero! The Skywalker kid is weak. I'm the coolest one here. Solo planned a revolution in his head while he read his magazine.
Sam, easily the most helpful sidekick in the room, bustled around and made sure all of the heroes were tucked in and comfortable, not just Frodo. After giving Frodo his Legolas doll, he walked over to Harry and Ron.
Harry was already asleep with his Hagrid bear. As Harry muttered in his sleep, Sam watched him with concern. "Stay away from me Dobby…no, stop it…stop giggling…" He patted Harry on the head, before walking away to check on Luke.
On the way to Luke's sleeping bag, Sam noticed a Yoda doll on the floor; Luke had been zooming it around the room earlier using the Force. "Luke?" Sam asked tentatively. "Do you want your Yoda doll?" The doll floated out of Sam's hands and into the sleeping bag. "Well, there you go then." Sam smiled at the lump in the sleeping bag and began to walk back over to Frodo.
Han Solo, seeing that all the heroes were asleep, called softly across the room to Ron and Sam. "Guys. GUYS. Come here!" Looking confused, the two sidekicks ambled over to Solo. "Didn't you guys ever think you should be more than sidekicks? Didn't you ever think you could be the…hero?" Han Solo whispered.
Sam looked scandalized at the idea, and Ron began to whimper. "What the hell are you whimpering at kid?"
"If Harry knows that I'm even talking to someone about something like this…he'll yell at me! And he won't be my friend anymore!"
"Yeah, but if YOU were the hero, you wouldn't have to worry about what Harry thought," said Han Solo, but his words fell on deaf ears. Ron had his hands over his ears and was rocking back and forth, singing the theme to "Happy Days."
"Sam? What about you? Ever wanted to be the hero?" Han Solo asked.
Sam shook his head resolutely. "My job here is to help Mr. Frodo. He needs me."
Han Solo, exasperated with the other sidekicks, took a swig of his vodka and went into his sleeping bag. "Whatever, guys. Go to sleep. You suck."
Sam and Ron looked at each other and shrugged. "Good night Ron!"
"Good night Sam!"
The morning dawned bright; the heroes and sidekicks were woken by the sound of birds singing and the smell of bacon cooking. Frodo and Harry trudged up to the kitchen with their respective sidekicks in tow. Luke looked around for Solo, but not seeing him, shrugged and followed the rest to the kitchen.
Solo stood in the kitchen, cooking bacon and pancakes. He reached into a pocket on the front of the yellow checkered apron he was wearing and pulled a pack of cigarettes out. He lit one and flipped the bacon while puffing out a stream of acrid smoke.
"BACON!" shouted Sam.
Solo grunted, "Try and let the rest get some first, fatty." He took a plate of bacon and one of pancakes over to the table. "Here. Dig in." He snagged a pancake and put a few pieces of bacon in the middle and rolled it up like a burrito.
As Harry, Ron, and Luke dug in, Frodo looked up at Solo, "What about second breakfast?"
Solo flicked cigarette ash at him, "Make it yourself."
"But…but I'm a hero…I don't cook…" Frodo's bottom lip began to quiver.
"Never fear, Mr. Frodo! I'll make you as much breakfast as you want!" Sam stood and began to cross over to the kitchen.
Suddenly Harry stood up, "SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS!" Harry and Ron bowled Sam down on their way out the kitchen. Luke ran after them with Frodo in tow.
Solo looked down at Sam, "Pathetic." He turned and followed after the heroes because after all, even smugglers enjoy their Saturday morning cartoons.
Mona A/N: So considering I've never written a story before, I've never known that reviews could make people feel so happy! It's like a drug addiction! Please fuel my drug addiction…
Kady A/N: Yeah, fuel the drug addiction or…draw us some fanart!! Personally, I'd love to see Solo in an apron (and not much else…heh). Send your fanart to