Title: Just Say No
Characters: Archer, Saber, Rin
Word Count: 1,015
Warning/s: None, PG-13 rating.
Summary: Drugs are bad, boys and girls!
Dedication: For Umbra Elf. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.-hearts-
A/N: Just a bit of silliness I wrote after the fabulous Umbra Elf brought up the question "How would Saber react if she found out who Archer really was. Frankly, the way Umbra Elf described it can be done no justice by my words, so here it is, quoted:

"Like Saber finds out who he is, approaches him and says, "Hello Shirou, you grew up . . . well."

And Archer's like, "Oh shits."

Then Saber comes onto him and he's like, "Rin. RIN. ACK!"

Frankly, a concept as funny as randy!Saber deserves to be ficced, so I wrote this piece of nonsense, which I beg you all not to take seriously.

Fate/stay night © TYPE-MOON / Kadokawa Shoten / Studio DEEN.

Archer sat motionless as a statue on the roof of the Emiya house, hawk like gaze sweeping across the grounds for the slightest sign of trouble or Rin taking off her clothes.

Sadly, neither appeared to be happening tonight. Judging by the sound of things, Rin and the others were just finishing up dinner, so there was no chance of the latter occurring anytime soon. The streets themselves were silent and empty as the grave, denying him even a fight to alleviate his crippling boredom.

A sudden noise caught his attention. For some reason Sakura was dragging Shirou outside awfully quickly, pulling him around a corner and out of sight. Slightly confused, Archer looked in the direction they had gone. While there wasn't anything wrong with rushing out in a hurry, there was still something suspicious about the look on Sakura's face...

"Shirou?" Saber called out as she stepped out into the courtyard, looking side to side for her Master. The petite blonde then caught sight of Archer, opening her mouth to say something when the...strangest look passed across her face. Rather similar to the look a cat got before pouncing upon a slow, tasty mouse, it was disturbingly out of place amongst Saber's normally calm expressions.

Primal instincts deep within his mind urged Archer to flee, but far too slowly to be of any use, as Saber bounded onto the roof with a single leap. With the casual grace of one who knew her prey was without escape, she made her way to him, all the while with that unnerving, Rin-like smile on her face. He could personally attest to it, given the fact Saber was so far into his personal space she was practically approaching it from the other direction.

Ignoring the voice at the back of his head (currently screaming "RUN, YOU FUCKING MORON! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!), Archer moved back far enough that he and Saber weren't plastered together.

Saber immediately made up the difference in space, smile growing wider.

"Saber," Archer asked warily, "Are you feeling alright?"

The tiny blonde practically beamed at him.

"I feel fine, Archer." Saber replied, eyes gleaming with something he did not want to name. One pale hand pressed itself firmly against his chest. "In fact, you feel fine too. Really, really fine."

Archer choked on thin air at this, his desperate escape attempt hindered by Saber straddling his waist. While he had no problem with beautiful girls making advances on him, he didn't relish the feeling Saber was about to eat him either.

Not to mention Rin would kill him.

"Saber, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Archer demanded, trying his best to inject a note of authority into his voice. Not that he thought it would work on a girl who could blast him into dust, but he had to try for the sake of what little dignity he had left.

"I'm sure Rin wouldn't mind sharing you for a little bit." Saber pouted at him, small hands skimming dangerously close to the waistband of his pants.

"Yes, actually, I think she would." Archer managed to get out despite the feeling his brain was about to start leaking out his ears. "And leave my clothes alone."

Saber looked a few beats longer than was comfortable at his zipper before brightening up.

"Well, it's not like you need to be completely naked-" She managed to get out before she toppled onto his chest, unconscious.

Rin stood behind the limp Servant, the hand she had used to stun the very-distracted Saber still held stiffly before her. The complete lack of an expression on her face was easily more scary than Saber had just been. At least Saber had been straightforward. When Rin masked her feelings, she could be feeling any number of emotions, especially ones that involved copious amounts of pain for hapless bystanders.

A long, tense moment passed before Rin's shoulders began to shake. His Master covered her mouth, but the muffled noises couldn't be mistaken for anything else.

"I'm glad you find this so amusing." Archer dryly said, carefully shifting Saber away from him.

"I-I'm sorry," Rin replied, wiping a few tears of laughter out of her eye. "But you looked so terrified of this tiny little girl coming on to you…"

"A tiny little girl with a great big glowing sword." Archer countered, irritated. "Good to know you weren't bothered by any of this."

Rin flushed slightly and looked away.

"When someone like Saber starts acting like that out of nowhere and my only vial of Damiana leaf goes missing, it isn't hard to put two and two together. It does look a little like wakame when it's dried, so perhaps Shirou simply grabbed it by accident." Rin tossed her hair over her shoulder before continuing in a far quieter voice, "And you didn't encourage her at all, so I'm not upset..."

Archer smirked just a little as he scooped Saber up in his arms.

"What was that last part, Rin?"

Rin shot him a glare that should have left two smoking holes in his head, before gracefully leaping off the roof.

"I'll be waiting in my room." Rin coolly replied before turning on her heel and heading inside.

Archer followed her actions, mentally sighing as he landed on the courtyard ground, carefully laying Saber on the engawa .

She's going to be on top tonight, isn't she?, he thought, brow furrowing as a sudden realization struck him.

If the Damiana leaf got in the food by accident...how come Saber was the only one who actually ate any of it?

Far away at the local supermarket she had dragged Shirou off to, Matou Sakura contained a growl of frustration, fingers clenching the empty vial with almost shattering strength.

Stupid Saber! That miso was meant for Senpai! I'm not even going to get the deposit back on the hotel room now...

Foiled again.

Note: Damiana is an actual aphrodisiac. XD Although I couldn't work in Archer's true identity, there was horny!Saber, which is what really mattered in the end.