Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. Any copyright infringements are unintentional.
Summary: During his stint in rehab, Craig has a few things on his mind... and someone in particular. CraigxEllie.
A/N: If you read my blog at Live Journal, you might have learned that I was a bit peeved to not be in Chicago, my hometown, this weekend because of the famous Lollapalooza Music Festival is in town for three blissful nights. One of my favorite bands of all time, Radiohead, played Friday night, but I'm going to see them in New Jersey next Saturday, so all is well. LOL.
Anyway, for the simple fact that this song has been stuck in my head for weeks, I thought I'd write a songfic. I recommend to listen to the song while reading this, it's very dark and moody but a beauty. I might do a follow-up to this with other songs, but as of right now, it's gonna stay a one shot. This is taken place while Craig is in rehab, thinking about the event that brought him there and what he hopes might occur once he;s released. As always, read, review, and enjoy!
He blinked open his eyes, looking up at the eggshell white walls that had greeted him for the past three weeks, shining with the constant sameness and blunt honesty. He sighed, sitting up and swinging out his feet, meeting the cold and vacant floor below. Jerking his feet up instantly, he grabbed a pair of wool socks from the nightstand and put them over his frostbitten feet. He shook his head, absently scratching at his neck. He had been detoxing most of his time here, only recently he was able to get up and not have to vomit the moment he opened his eyes. His spells would involve nearly fainting walking across the floor, having fits in his room, throwing around his belongings or slight convulsions, leaving him foaming at the mouths. For two weeks, getting up seemed as if he was only getting closer to his inanimate death, having to face to withdrawals with nothing but these four walls, shining with the constant sameness and blunt honesty: He was an addict.
He looked out the window, seeing snow fall outside and thinking about what he might be missing, what lives were being lived and unsure of what his own held. He looked across the room, seeing the empty cot of his one-time roommate, Blake, who was released only after several days of Craig's arrival. Since than, he had the room to himself, much to his disliking. Craig starved for human contact other than the psychiatrists and orderlies that made periodic visits throughout the day. The only thing he appreciated with having most of his days consisting of moments of silence and time for reflection. He was able to leave his room for lounging in the rec room or eating in the cafeteria and more recently, he was allowed to explore the conservatory that housed exotic plants and flowers, many of which were planted by patients. The clinic took pride in the new addition to the facility, believing that the atmosphere calmed the nerves and gave its patients a purpose to continue treatment, something to keep them motivated. Of course, Craig thought it was complete bullshit. How was a plant gonna give him the strength to walk out of this prison of eggshell white walls?
So, he took the time he would have to wonder throughout the place and stayed in his room, looking out the window, taking the time to reflect on his decisions and the people that they effected. He had been back on his medication, most of them being given to him through an IV for his constant regurgitation, so he seemed lucid most of the time, not having much energy but to eat something in the morning, not having much of an appetite most days. He had already lost seven pounds, feeling weak but hoping that he could eventually gain the strength to recover. He had been reluctant to open up during group sessions or his private sessions with his counselor, but most of his thoughts remained in the confines of his room.
He watched the snow fall, finding the snowflakes hypnotic as they settled on the ground, leaving its mark across the quad. He smirked slightly, remembering his youth, filled with moments with Angie and him, playing in the snow, making snowmen and staying out in the front yard, enjoying the notion that they were children. He sighed, knowing that he was anything but a child any longer, having to deal with his childish decisions and their adult repercussions. However great his mistakes had been over the past months, from his 'Trainspotting' behavior to his overdose, he knew his biggest was his treatment for someone who seemed to find the good in him when he couldn't. So as his eyes landed on the girl, sitting on a bench with a book in her hands, his thoughts drifted back to the girl it always seemed to find.
In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me.
Craig found it hard to stay inside the walls that seemed to enclose all his thoughts and secrets, not wanting to face them head on, terrified of what his demons looked like up close. He tried to find comfort in the walls, having the sense of consistency that he lacked after starting on his own. The past months in Vancouver had been adventurous and intriguing for the lone wolf he seemed to find himself to be but the constant moving from one hotel to the next, not really having anything to call home but his guitar came as a rude awakening. He longed for days when he could wake up and know where he was, had a feeling of familiarity and not the instinctual feeling of fear as he opened his eyes to the persistent sun. There were days when he felt things wouldn't get any better, afraid that his time here was pointless, nearly accepting the addiction for what it was, another outlet for his disorder. But as the days past, he tried to hold on, just so he could make some amends with the one he betrayed.
Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?
He threw on a sweater, curling up in an easy chair one of the orderlies brought for him earlier in the week. He took comfort in the seat, reminding him of his living room chair back in Toronto. He watched the snow, trying to escape these walls that seemed to drown him. But somehow, without him even being aware until that moment, almost every action he made seemed to bring her closer to him, slowly following her until they finally were together once again.
I'd be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me
He thought about how she held a mirror to his destructive behavior, showing the damage it had caused with his music, his future and their friendship. He owed so much to her, even though he wouldn't admit it to anyone. He still refused to call her or send her a letter, secretly because he feared the alternative, terrified of the result of his message, scared that she'd reject him, after the countless times he had rejected her. The truth was, he had held her judgment above all others, even before they had became close. She always seemed to be able to distinguish right from wrong far more easily than anyone, even though she had her own faults. During his self-destructive downfall, he thought about what she might think about his decisions, but thinking about the disappointment in her green eyes only caused him to yearn for a line of coke to escape the pain he knew he would inevitably cause her, only hoping he'd find a chance to save himself as well as her heart.
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leave
If they get the chance
And this is my chance
Without a moment's notice, two orderlies barged into his room, followed by a nurse. She smiled, "Good morning, Craig."
"Hey Bernice." He looked up, seeing the two men standing beside Bernice, arms crossed with an intimidating glare from them both. "Hiya fellas."
Bernice nodded, "You think you're strong enough to head down to the cafeteria for breakfast?"
Craig looked up at the orderlies, "Is it really necessary to have them both in here?"
Bernice sighed, "You tell me. You weren't as cooperative to take your medication yesterday. I brought them in here just in case." She handed Craig a paper cup, "So, are you willing to work with me today or do I have to have my muscle assist me?"
Craig smirked, "Is that a threat, Bernice?"
Bernice smirked back, "No... just a notification." She placed the cup in his hand, "Now take them."
Craig nodded and took down the pills, feeling them work their way down his throat. He knew he needed his meds, but the sheer dependence on them made the task only weaken his spirit. Suddenly, he felt one of the orderlies take a hold of his arm, "I have to take you to breakfast."
Craig tried to wrestle from his grip, "Hey... I thought I had the option?"
The orderly sighed, "We both know if you don't eat now, you won't eat at all today." He continued to pull him out of his room, eventually letting go once in the hallway. Even when he was released, Craig still felt restrained.
I get eaten by the worms
Weird fishes
Get picked over by the worms
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
He found a spot by the window, digging into his oatmeal and trying to pretend it was something more appetizing. He chewed on his food, relieved he was still able to watch the snow fall, enjoying the pleasure that it caused him, liking the simplicity of its existence and indulging in his longing to escape these walls, searching for a way to find sanity, looking for a way that led to her arms, her love and her eyes. He knew he was at rock bottom, but he knew more than ever that his salvation lied with her, it would just take a little longer to get there than he hoped.
I'll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
I'll hit the bottom
Hot the bottom and escape
Escape...
I hope you liked it. I know it seems like it should be more... and maybe it will be, but I do like it as an one shot. I also have an alternative for this one that I may use if you all think I should make more. Either rate, tell me how you liked it. And I hope you enjoyed the song, one of their bests!
PLEASE REVIEW!!