Chapter 3
"You want to what?" Sam asked, leaning across the table while holding her coffee cup. Captain Adriana Capwell had asked then Captain Samantha Carter to meet her at a coffee shop near her house to talk about something.
"I want to resign my commission," Addi said with a slight chuckle.
Sam set her cup down and leaned back as she considered the woman before her. "What is this all about?" Sam asked. This announcement was the last thing she expected from her friend. They'd gone through the Academy together and after several other assignments in different places had finally been assigned to the same project at the Pentagon. As far as Sam was concerned, this project, this assignment was everything she could ask for and she thought the same was true for Addi.
"Honestly?" Addi asked and Sam sensed a little trepidation for the first time since their conversation began.
"Yes," Sam said, "of course."
"In a nutshell," Addi said as she shifted in her seat, "there are three things in my life that are in conflict and I need to eliminate one of them. The Air Force has been an important part of my life. It has taught me discipline, honor, duty and has brought me a lot of satisfaction and pride. Physics and, in particular, my most recent assignment has brought me joy, excitement, and a fulfillment I can't begin to describe."
"And the third thing?" Sam asked.
"This is going to sound funny," Addi said, hesitantly. "I've fallen in love with someone."
"Is it Thomas?" Sam asked. Sam had seen Addi and Major Thomas Castillo, an aid to General Ryan, talking on more than one occasion. She knew they had been out on dates.
"Yes," she paused, trying to find the words. "I feel he is my soul mate. I think he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I've been giving this a lot of thought. So what it boils down to is this: I love the Air Force, I love Physics and I love Thomas. I want to give myself the chance to find out if we can be what I suspect we can be. I can get another job. I don't want to look for another Thomas."
Sam smiled as Addi took a break to take a sip of her coffee. Sam felt herself sympathizing with Addi and understanding far better than she wanted to admit. "Thomas is not in your chain of command. You could marry this guy and still be Air Force, Addi," Sam said.
"Truthfully, Sam," Addi said with a smile, "I want a family. I want to have children, eventually. I just think I will need to be independent and able to make my own decisions if and when I am fortunate enough to have a child. I don't want to be unexpectedly reassigned."
"It could still happen to Thomas," Sam interjected.
"Yes," Addi agreed, "but if it does, I'll be free to follow him wherever he's assigned as long as I'm not bound to the Air Force too."
"Well, Addi, I wish you happiness," Sam said, as she set her now empty cup down on the table. "I don't know that I agree with your decision, but I wish you happiness if that's what you want to do."
"What are you looking for?" Grace asked, echoing Daniel's question.
"I don't know," Sam said, with less frustration than she felt. Something about speaking to this…whatever she was, made Sam hold back the frustration and anger she felt.
"But you do know," Daniel said as he walked up to the other side of the bed, causing Sam to shift her eyes and wince. When she looked back to where Grace had been standing, the space was vacant again.
"Daniel, I don't know," Sam said, allowing a bit more of her frustration to be heard.
"What was in the box?" Daniel asked.
Sam furrowed her brow and closed her eyes. She was so tired and her head hurt so badly. Why wouldn't they just leave her alone?
"Pictures," Sam said as she finally remembered.
"What pictures, Sam?" Daniel prodded.
"Dad's pictures," Sam said. She closed her eyes to stop the tears she felt forming in them. "Pictures of my mother, my family."
"Why?" Daniel asked as he sat next to her.
"Why what?" she spat out, unable to stop the emotion welling up in her.
"Why were you looking for the pictures?" he asked, undeterred by her anger.
"Because I've forgotten what she looks like." Sam sobbed, closing her eyes. "I've forgotten what she looked like."
"You were so young, Sam," Jacob said, soothingly.
"I was a teenager, Dad," Sam said, opening her eyes.
"Yes, I know, Sam, just like Cassandra," Jacob agreed. "She has been grieving, just like you. She misses her mother, just like you."
"Oh, Dad," Sam said, fighting tears.
"Close your eyes, Sam," Jacob urged. "You haven't forgotten. You can still remember, if you let yourself. Don't be afraid to hurt, Sam. Some of the memories are happy. Why do you constantly deny yourself the happiness?"
"What?" Sam asked, confused.
"You go out of your way to deny yourself happiness," Jacob said. "You can't avoid pain, Sam. It is inevitable. Avoiding happiness can only make the pain less bearable."
"I don't avoid happiness," Sam argued.
"Yes, you do," Jacob said. "You try to control, you avoid, you deny, Sam. That way you stay comfortable, safe. Sometimes happiness is only found when you step outside the plan, give yourself a chance, be truthful with your heart."
"You're not talking about mom, are you?" Sam asked.
"You weren't thinking about mom, were you?" Jacob asked. "He didn't ask for this assignment, any more than I asked for the assignment that kept me away from your mother. You, of all people, understand the duty."
"I do understand," Sam said.
"I think you have a decision to make, Sam," Jacob said as he rose out of the now, non-existent chair. "What do you really want?"
"What do you want?" Grace asked. She was standing on the side of the bed opposite Jacob once again.
Sam was not surprised when she looked back to find her father gone. "Why do I always fall for the misdirection?" she thought.
"See, it's not what I want, but what you want that will let me be," Grace said with a smile.
"What?" Sam asked as Grace reached out her hand to touch Sam's forehead. Grace closed her eyes and Sam closed her eyes as well as her head began to feel strange. Sam opened her eyes in time to see Grace fade out. "Grace?" she called anxiously after the girl who was no longer standing next to her.
"Grace?" Sam whispered.
Jack was immediately alert and moving toward her bed.
"What did she say?" he asked Teal'c, who had been keeping the latest vigil. Jack had stopped by to check on her condition again, hoping to hear that she had finally awakened. His new position did not allow him the freedom to sit with her as he would have before, but he managed to visit the infirmary frequently.
"I believe it was 'Grace'," Teal'c said, standing to give the medical personnel who were moving toward the bed access to the monitors and equipment connected to his teammate.
"Grace?" Sam said again, a bit louder. Then her eyes flicked open and Jack noted a hint of confusion on her face. Dr. Smith was there and reassured Sam as she began checking her vitals and asking questions.
Jack felt a wave of relief wash over him. Muscles in his jaw and neck that he hadn't realized were contracted began to ache as they relaxed. Bending his head from side to side, he tried to loosen them up more quickly. He waited until he knew she had seen him, until their eyes made contact.
With no other option open to him, he tried to convey with that one look the relief he felt at seeing her conscious and the regret he felt at not being able to do more. Then, fearing he was showing too much concern for a man in his position, he quickly excused himself and returned to his office.