Chapter 4
Sam was released after Dr. Smith could find no evidence of neurological damage in the battery of tests she'd conducted. Both Dr. Smith and General O'Neill insisted Sam go home and take it easy, ordering her not to return to base for at least 48 hours. Though Sam was never happy about forced vacations, she felt this one was warranted.
Early in the evening of her first day at home, Daniel and Teal'c showed up with Chinese food. Sam appreciated the gesture, but secretly hoped she would find a tactful method to send them on their way as soon as dinner was consumed. She would not been able to shampoo her hair for another 12 hours because of the stitches in her head and though her hair had been cleaned by the medical staff at the SGC when they'd stitched her up, she felt grungy and wanted nothing more than to curl up alone and zone in front of the television. Not to mention, their out of work gatherings just never seemed the same now that General O'Neill could no longer join them.
"So, Sam," Daniel said between bites of chow mein, "who is Grace?"
"What?" Sam asked, nearly choking on the bite of egg roll she'd just taken.
"When you were waking up in the infirmary, you said 'Grace'," Daniel said. He stopped eating and looked at her with a curious expression.
"Uh…" Sam hesitated. She had not told them about Grace before. She hadn't wanted to discuss what happened on the Prometheus, mostly because she wasn't quite sure herself. Explaining Grace now was no easier than it had been following that incident. Teal'c, too, had stopped eating and was regarding her with some definite interest.
She put her fork down, dabbed at her mouth with her napkin and leaned back in her hair. "Grace is a little hard to explain," said Sam. "When I was unconscious, this darling little curly haired girl visited with me," she said. Hoping that would squelch their curiosity, she didn't say anything more.
"What? Like a guardian angel or something?" Daniel asked.
"Uh…yeah, I guess," Sam said, shrugging and leaning back to eat some more, hoping he'd drop the subject.
Daniel took another bite. She noticed his brow was furrowed and she braced herself for another question. "You know," he said, his mouth still half-full of food, "Jack mentioned that his mother's name was Grace."
Sam paused, her fork half-way to her mouth.
"Yes," she replied. "After my grandmother," she added and then she giggled. "Do you wanna play?" Grace asked.
"For cryin' out loud," Grace said, her brow furrowing in a vaguely familiar manner. "For such a smart woman, you can be so dense."
"See, it's not what I want, but what you want that will let me be," Grace said with a smile.
Those moments flashed through her mind.
"What did you say?" Sam asked, putting the fork back down.
"What?" Daniel asked and scrunched his nose to push his glasses back up. "Oh, you mean that Jack's mom's name was Grace? Yeah, he mentioned that when you woke up in the infirmary."
"Indeed he did, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said and took another mouthful. Sam got the feeling he was deliberately not looking at her. Teal'c was so perceptive. She had no doubt he sensed her total discomfort and shock at hearing Daniel's statement.
"Yeah, that's interesting, isn't it?" Daniel said and smiled as he took another bite of his chow mein.
After a quick trip to the infirmary to get checked out and cleared for duty (not to mention a liquid bandage over her stitches so she could shower and wash her hair), she set off to see the base C.O. It was with a tremendous amount of trepidation that Sam approached General O'Neill's office. She'd spent the remainder of her forced vacation sleepless and in thought. When she looked at herself in the mirror that morning, even she thought she looked like hell.
She'd been busy, so she was returning with a sense of accomplishment, but she was exhilarated and at the same time, terrified. She'd made a major decision about the direction her life should take. It involved a career change, calls to General Hammond for counseling and a favor, a resignation and an application.
"Come in," Jack said when he heard the quick rap on his door. He looked up and was greeted by an entirely unexpected sight. Sam Carter was standing in his doorway with a very determined look on her face, but, quite frankly, she looked like hell. She was pale, her eyes had dark areas under them and her hair was in desperate need of a brush. Jack smiled and stood up, gesturing for her to come in and have a seat.
"Carter," he said as he gestured, "how are you feeling? Did you have enough time to get rested up, because, you can take some more if you need it."
"Yes, sir," Sam said as they both sat.
"What can I do for you?" he asked, giving her his full attention. He knew something was not right, but he didn't know what it was.
"Sir, I'd like to resign my commission," she said as she stood and handed him a 9x12 manila envelope.
His heart stopped beating, for just a second. His stomach turned over, but he maintained his composure. He stood up, frowning, and reaching to take the envelope. "Excuse me?" he said, his brows rising in surprise. "You want to what?"
"I want to resign my commission," she said and he noticed her swallow, but her eyes never left his. She was determined; he could see it in her face.
"Carter…Sam…why?" he asked, feeling his stomach begin to churn.
"Sir," she started and then hesitated. He saw her cock her head slightly and the pleading expression on her face made him flash back to that moment on Apophis' incomplete mother ship when she was pleading with him to leave her behind. "Please," she said, "trust me on this. It's what I need to do."
Jack felt his stomach drop to his toes. His chest began to ache and feel heavy. How could he let her do this? How would this place function without her? Who would he turn to?
"Sir?" she asked, halting the rush of panicked thoughts running through his head.
Then he put the wall up again. He met her gaze with a determination and an anger he'd buried when the President asked him to take this position. He'd just assumed she would do the same as he had done. That she would suck it up and do her duty, regardless of her personal wishes or desires. Now, it appeared he'd been wrong. She was going to bail and look for a life elsewhere. Well, he could wish her well. She deserved that much.
She was still looking at him. He could read a mixture of concern, exhaustion and sorrow, or at least that's what he thought he saw on her face, in her clear blue eyes. He sat back down and involuntarily heaved a heavy sigh. It suddenly occurred to him that he had never been able to read her at all. Perhaps he'd just been fooling himself all these years when he thought he knew her like a book.
"If this is what you really want, Sam," he said, "then I wish you all the best."
"Thank you, sir," she said and he saw her relief almost immediately. The silence that followed was definitely awkward. He didn't know that else to say. He didn't want to let her go, and he didn't want to make her stay. "You'll be sure to process those papers as soon as possible, won't you?" she asked.
"I was thinking of giving it a day or two for you to think it over," he said, squinting and looking down at the envelope before looking back up at her.
"Sir, I've given this a lot of thought already. It is very important that you process those papers immediately…please," she said, pleading with her eyes again.
"Carter, you're recovering from a head injury. I don't think now is the time to make a decision like this," he said. He had to try.
He watched as she closed her eyes and set her jaw in that way she did when she was trying to keep an angry retort from spewing forth. Her mind was not going to be changed and he knew it.
"This has nothing to do with the head injury, sir," she said. "Except, perhaps, that it gave me time to think…about what's important, about what I want…" she trailed off as she looked down at her hands.
If he admitted the truth to himself, he was hurt. But right now, he couldn't afford to do that. Right now, he had to be the General in charge and do his duty, even if that meant watching the best thing that had come into his life in a very long time walk back out.
"I'll do it right now," he said, opening the envelope and looking at the papers inside. He pulled them out, looked them over, found the spot that required his signature and took pen in hand. After signing the papers, he rose and walked to the fax machine. He placed the contents of the envelope info the feeder and forced his fingers to dial, willing them to function without trembling, without making a mistake.
After the papers had passed through the machine and the electronic signal that would end her career in the Air Force had been sent, he turned back to look at her. Sam involuntarily sucked in a breath when she looked into his eyes. His eyes were no longer the warm, soft brown she'd grown to love. They now looked cold, hard and the twinkle was gone. She thought he looked old. The image of him frozen, staring out at her from the Ancient portal invaded her mind.
She had to leave now, before she lost her resolve. She wished she could tell him more, but it had to be this way. Her future was uncertain and she could not comfort him with any assurances, so she chose not to comment at all. If things did not work out the way she hoped, it would be easier for him this way.
"With your permission, sir, I'd like to take a few days. I've got leave coming and I need…" she hesitated, unsure what to say. He cut her off.
"Take whatever time you need, Carter," he said as he walked back to his desk and sat in his chair. "You have up to two weeks to clear out your personal belongings."
"Thank you, sir," she said, and sensing that he wanted her gone, she turned and walked out the door.
She walked straight out of the mountain without stopping to talk to anyone except the airmen at the security check posts. As she walked to her car, her legs began to tremble. After what seemed like twice the distance she actually covered, she finally managed to open the door and climb into her seat.
She leaned her head back on the seat and closed her eyes. Her head hurt, though not as badly as it had before. 'What have I just done?' she thought. After taking a couple of breaths to steady her nerves, she started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.
A couple of blocks from her house, she stopped at a red light on an intersection that had a Walmart on the corner. Her car was the first in the left lane, so she had a good view of the entire intersection. Two women began walking across the intersection.
One was older than the other, though Sam had no idea if they were mother and daughter or just friends. Both were wearing dresses - not fancy dresses, just plain, everyday dresses – and tennis shoes. Both had their long hair tied up neatly. It appeared they were out on a walk, just for exercise and Sam got the distinct impression that they followed a restrictive religion that didn't allow women to wear pants or cut their hair.
For a moment, a sense of panic invaded her. Thoughts of terms like 'the little woman' flashed into her mind. She pushed those thoughts away as she started the car forward again. There was too much to do and she had gone too far already to let doubt change her mind.
Their current arrangement could not work. She knew it. He knew it. Though technically, he had always been her superior at work, he'd made her feel like an equal. Their relationship had always been cooperative, collegial. In her opinion, his relationship with all of SG-1 had been that way.
She supposed it was that sense of equality that allowed that initial attraction between them to grow. Neither of them had wanted nor intended for it to happen, but it had, none-the-less. They'd been content – no, resigned – to keeping the emotions buried, restraining themselves from exploring the possibilities, as long as they could continue to both do the job they loved…together.
Now, he was no longer doing the job he loved and they were no longer doing it together. She knew he was unhappy with the new job, but trying to give it his best as his sense of duty and honor demanded. Truth be told, he was getting near the age when traveling through the 'gate on a regular basis would have ended anyway and her desire to continue through the 'gate without him had waned considerably in the past few months.
If her plan succeeded, they would learn how to be Earthbound together. They would be equals again, cooperating and collaborating. If that led to a partnership outside of the SGC, well she wasn't opposed to that either, but it wasn't the sole reason she'd just ended a career to which she had devoted more than half of her life.
If her plan failed? "No," she told herself. She couldn't let that happen.
Early the next morning, Jack heard a knock on his office door. For a second, he let himself hope, then admonished himself for being so foolish. Without looking up, he said, "Come."
He refused to look up until he heard the voice of the person who entered. "Hey, Jack," Daniel said as he walked into the office and shut the door behind him. "Have you heard from Sam?" he asked, but continued on before Jack could say a word. "Because I thought she was supposed to be back yesterday and I stopped by her place this morning, but she didn't appear to be home."
Jack reluctantly looked up from the pile of papers he'd been scanning. It wasn't that he was so enthralled by reading the seemingly endless array of reports, menus, inventories, schedules and invoices, it was that he knew Daniel was not going to like what he had to say any more than he was going to like saying it.
"Jack?" Daniel asked.
"Yes, Daniel," Jack replied. "I have heard from Carter."
"And?"
"And…" he said, his brow furrowing, "she resigned."
"She what?" Daniel's eyes grew wide.
"Resigned…quit…walked away…" Jack would have continued, but Daniel cut him off.
"And you let her?" Daniel asked, his voice rising a bit in pitch. "And when were you planning to tell me? Have you told Teal'c? What the hell is going on?"
"Are you finished?" Jack asked, sounding a bit perturbed. Daniel did not reply. "She came in yesterday morning, handed me her resignation along with all the necessary paperwork and asked that I fax it while she stood there and watched. She seemed to have her mind made up and was in a big hurry to get it done."
"Well, she was just getting over a head injury, Jack. Did you think she might be suffering from some sort of complication related to that?"
"The doctor checked her over and had released her to return to duty. I suggested she take a few days to be sure. She was insistent," Jack said with a shrug.
"So, you just let her walk out of here? Where was she going?" Daniel asked.
"Daniel, I didn't ask." Jack picked up one pile of papers and moved them to another place on the desk.
"You didn't ask. You didn't want to know why she decided to walk in out of the blue and resign?" Jack knew Daniel was angry and he couldn't blame the man. He was still angry himself, but angry wasn't going to get them anywhere.
Jack stood and leaned slightly over the desk, giving Daniel his best 'this is the end of this discussion look'. "Look, the woman wanted out. I don't know why. I don't know what she has planned. She came in, she quit, she left. That's what I know…and now you know."
"You're unbelievable. Do you know that?" Daniel asked. Then he turned and walked out of the room.
"Yes, I know," Jack replied, though no one was there to hear it.