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Chapter 3
No more nice girl
After I was raped, I was feeling so alone. I was afraid that he was goingto come back to my room. I was afraid to say something in front of him, because after the rape he began to treat me like shit. He would hit me, every time I was not doing what he wanted...not only sexually. In front of my dear mom...
"Go wash the dishes," he ordered
"I can't. I'm practicing my ballet."
"GO WASH THE DISHES, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" he screamed at me.
So, I was afraid. My mom in this story? I will never know why she never did something. I can't remember her face. I think now that she was afraid too. Afraid to be alone. Do I hate her? I think I have pity for her...when I was younger, like 14, I hated her so much! I didn't understand anything. It's sad that I fear to be near death, to realize all these thing, not feeling hate anymore...
With him in the house, it was impossible for me to practice ballet, to do my homework and study because every time that my mother was not there, he was there...and a little too much. So at school, things were not so good. I remember my first detention...with Johnny, Bruce, Lucas...it's weird, it's the same gang of the high school.
"Scarlet, that's the fifth homework that you didn't do. I think you will need to go to detention.''
I hated all this stuff. Authority. When I was 7 and 8, it was the worst thing. I was afraid of that. So I went to my first detention at 7, near 8.
I was at the back of the class, drawing in my notebook, unable to concentrate myself on my copy when the guys entered the class. With them they brought their bad boy attitudes, laughing loud. The little golden boy came to me.
"Hey teacher's pet! What are you doing at my place?" he questioned.
Yeah, teacher's pet...hahaha. Let me laugh at this. Because before Johnny, I was the perfect girl, with the perfect notes, perfect clothes, perfect languages, perfect attitude. I was the popular girl of my years with Holly J and Anya.
"Shut up Johnny! I'm in detention too. So, I'm not a teacher's pet! Class's garbage!"
I will always remember his face, and Bruce's and Lucas' face. He was so angry; he just sat down at my left. But Lucas asked me why I was there...so I began to lie about my life...
"Not you're business!"
The cute little girl they knew since 5 was not there in the class. I remember that I was rude with them. Johnny glanced at me, watching my drawing...all in black. A rainbow and a princess in black...
The next day at the lunch time, I went to sit with Holly J and Anya. But Holly J stopped me.
"Scarlet, you can't be our friend anymore. My mom doesn't want us to hang out with you because you got a detention. And she saw the boyfriend of your mom...and she said that he is in a gang. Sorry Scarlet."
So…no place to eat. I was alone. Really alone. She was laughing behind my back. I swept my tears away and ate my lunch in the bathroom. The day after, Lucas invited me to sit with them. I was not sure it was a good idea. But they looked very nice at me, not with the others. Our friendships began there…well friendships and more trouble. Because chilling around with them made myself a bad ass. Really...I mean at the break, I was always in fight with a girl or a guy. In class, I stole money in the puss of the professor...many times.
For my 8 years old birthday, my dad called me and my mom. And she told him that I was a really "bad girl". He asked me why I was like that, and my answer? Now that I remember, it was kind of funny. I told him it was because it was more fun like that.
One week after this call, I received 100 dollars. But you know what? My stepfather took it. He told me that "if I'm nice, I will have it". Gosh, I hate him. Insert in the head of the little girl, that she will have money if she is "nice", be sure that she will later be a prostitute. So I sucked him and he gave my money back...bastard! It was in October. Two weeks before Halloween.
On Halloween day, I went to Johnny's house...well if you want to call it a house. It was small and dirty. I was afraid to enter there. So I told myself that it can't be worse that my house. At the interior, the smell was the same thing of my stepfather. Alcohol and cigars. So, we found on the table of the kitchen, cigarettes. We were young and wanted to try stuff. So smoked my first cigarette and certainly not the last! But when we were smoking, Johnny's father arrived. He smelled too much beer and looked very mad. I will always remember the hit that he gave to Johnny's head. I saw water in his eyes. His father taking him violently by the shoulder and putting him outside the home.
"Be back at 11 o'clock, motherfucker...not before! Or it will be worse!"
He looked at me.
"You saw nothing...go away girl!"
I ran to see Johnny and I showed him my wounds on my legs. He touched them. We needed no words to understand, that our lives were not easy. And it's still like that. When he came to see me at the hospital, we stayed hand in hand during hours and hour, without a word. Only our hearts beating together. Okay, it's not exactly the image that Johnny gives at the first look. But me and him, it's like that since 10 years.
When I was 8 to 11, he was the only one who knew my secrets. That's why it was so special between me and him.
So the rest of the school years (October until June), things were like that. My stepfather raping me and hitting me. I went away to the park, join Johnny (who was hit by his father), Bruce and Lucas.