disclaimer: You people don't want me to own this. Things like this \/ would happen.
"If we were a movie, then you'd be the right guy, and I'd be the best friend that you'd fall in love with. In the end, we'd be laughin…"
Jasper stopped singing and glanced up at the residents of room Twilight all staring at him aghast.
"What?" he asked innocently. "I recently discovered Hannah Montana. And since she's from Tennessee, that makes her the most amazing thing since sliced bread, so I shall randomly break into happy, pre-teen self-esteem raising song whenever I bloody well please."
Everyone shook their heads and turned around – all except for Alice.
"Honey…" she started, "What's with the bloody…You're not British."
Angry irritation flashed in his eyes. "Well, shoot doggy. I'll be darned if that dang ol' Harry Potter ain't got t' me."
Alice sighed in annoyance. Jasper always went back to his Southern roots when he was angry.
It had been quite some time since the Cedric Diggory episode. The Great Hand, as it was called, had claimed no one yet miraculously.
Esme had finished two entire sudokus. Carlisle had actually made a dent in the linoleum with his plastic spoons. "I'm free! I'm free!" he shouted over and over again. (There really needed to be an FF Waiting Room Asylum).
Jasper was happily singing off-key renditions of various country songs, Gary Allan's "A Feeling Like That" currently. Emmett was repairing the Game Boy, intent on capturing PsyDuck to appease Rosalie's wrath…using any cheat codes necessary.
Rosalie was engaged in a witty banter with Cedric Diggory.
"You're cuter," he said.
"No, you're cuter," she cleverly replied.
"No, you're cuter."
"Stop it. You're lying."
"No, you're lying."
"No, you're lying."
Et cetera, et cetera.
Poor, poor Edward was having a complete nervous breakdown. "Why, oh why can't I be magical? Bella likes Harry. WAAAA."
"I said one word to him," Bella, rainbow-haired edition, said.
"It's because he's a wizard, isn't it?" Edward asked acidly. "The Boy Who Lived my right toe. I'll rip him to…"
But he was swiftly interrupted by Bella's lips on his.
"Oh, Ceddy-poo," Rosalie cooed dreamily.
Emmett whimpered.
Jessica was no longer in the room. Her obsession for Ron had compelled her to squeeze her body through the centimeter-round hole in frenzied pursuit. It wasn't pretty.
Afterwards, Esme had encouraged every person to stand in a circle, hold hands, and say a prayer for this unfortunate Ronald Weasley fellow.
From the other room, tortured screams and pleas were heard. "Yes, I know I have a British accent, but get off my leg woman!"
Then, The Great Hand descended. At once, everyone fell to their knees in terrified respect.
Two green sheets of paper were stuffed into the unwilling hands of Bella and Edward.
He gave her a sexy look and wiggled his eyebrows. "Did you see the rating?"
Her eyes smoldered back. "M…or should I say mmmmmmmmm."
SEVERAL EXPLICIT AND OBLIGATORY SEX SCENES LATER
Bella and Edward tumbled into the room looking flushed and panting.
"Wow," Edward looked at Bella appreciatively. "I didn't know that could happen."
She nodded back. "I had no idea you were so kinky…or that cheese sandwiches could be used in such a way."
"Remind me to thank that author," Edward mumbled.
Bella smiled and then went to kiss him passionately.
"You're insatiable," he said.
Jasper huffed. "Sweet niblets!"
"Sweet niblets!" everyone agreed, even Carlisle.
"Move, Jasper!" Alice commanded her husband, who was currently sprawled out over the couch.
"No!" He was pouting. "You can't make me."
"This is the only comfy couch and I want to sit!"
"Too bad," he said smugly.
Alice growled. Before Jasper could bat an eyelash, she had violently grabbed the fishtank and poured the water over him.
A small goldfish landed flopping on his chest. "Ahhh, so that's where Dixie went…Smart goldfish, hiding under that rock. Hey, everybody. Dinner!"
Edward broke apart from Bella.
"I'm sorry," he told her, "but I'm tired."
"Tired?!" she demanded.
"Do you even know how they abuse me? If I'm not worried about trying not to kill you, I'm actually killing you. And then, apparently, I get all suicidal and try to kill myself in various ways. Do I look emo to you?" he gestured to his face.
Bella shook her head. "No, Edward."
"And then, somehow, I find you and we make hot, passionate, almost pornographic sex in ridiculous detail. While all the while trying not to kill you."
"Are you complaining?" Bella asked, hands on hips.
"Well, no, but it is absolutely exhausting. And then, I change you anyway, and get all depressed over it because I miss some stupid ridiculous thing about you. I am always so damn depressed. Can't these people write a story where Edward gets on a yacht, takes a cruise to the Bahamas, and lays all day in a hammock whilst listening to Jimmy Buffet songs and drinking marguaritas with the cute little umbrellas in them? I mean, is that really so hard?" he asked of the ceiling.
Suddenly, The Hand swept down again, handing sheets of paper to Edward, Jasper, and Mary Sue. Mary Sue replaced Bella quite a lot.
Bella gave Mary a hard look. "Don't touch my man."
Mary smiled. "I love touching man."
"GRRRRR!" Bella tried to attack her, but she disappeared.
Emmett had successfully distracted Rose from her 'Ceddy-poo'.
"Why can't I have a pet name?" he whined.
Rosalie rolled her eyes. "You do. It's 'moron'."
Since Jasper was out of the picture, Alice had taken super-glue and permanently attached her butt to the couch, all the while laughing maniacally.
Bella decided that she'd go see what all the Harry Potter fuss was about.
Looking through the hole in the wall, she saw the Edward-look-alike.
"Wow, you do look like Edward."
"I bloody know. It's bloody crazy. It's like we're bloody twins."
Bella sighed dreamily. "I love it when Brits say bloody."
"Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody," Cedric teased.
Suddenly, something ran into the wall. Bella looked over. Edward had barreled full-force into the steel surface beside her.
"Edward, what are you doing?" Bella cried.
"He's flirting with you!" he exclaimed.
Bella shook her head. "You're being dumb again," she said, before turning to walk away.
"I'll get you yet," he told Cedric, "And your little wand, too!"
Emmett looked over at him. "That sounded sooooo wrong."
"Hey, that's my job!" a creepy, snake-like voice on the other side exclaimed.
"Huh?"
"Oh, that's just Voldemort," Alice said cheerfully, "he thinks he's super cool."
"That's he-who-must-not-be-named to you!" Voldemort told her.
A/N: These are soooo much fun to write. Hope you have fun reading them. Kindly read and review, plz…I just had a strange urge to write about British accents. hmmmmm