Disclaimer: The Meyer owns it...and not the Oscar kind.
"Oh, Bella..." came a singsong, snake-like voice, the snaky factor was made even more creepy by the sing-songiness. "I have a joke for you."
Bella sighed, then approached Voldemort carefully. "If you turn me into a newt again, I swear to God, Edward will..."
"SHE turned me into a newt!" yelled a mysterious, high pitched and also British voice from behind the wall on the opposite side of the room from the Harry Potter bunch.
"Errrr..." Bella responded, turning around to face the sound. "I'm sorry?"
"Well, I got better!" the voice squeaked.
"Don't mind them," said Jasper, "They're some Monty Python lunatics. They keep banging coconuts together and telling me it's horses." He whipped around his head to yell, "I fought in the war! I know what a horse is, and coconuts are not a horse!"
"Ye son of a doofus!" came the chorused reply. "Tis too a horse, and I shall command it to kick you in the fanny!"
Jasper shook his head and grumbled, "You hurl coconuts at me, and I'll shove them down your throats. Are they off limits, Carlisle?"
Carlisle glanced up. He had long ago given up hope on Operation Plastic Spoon in favor of Operation Crush Rosalie in Texas Hold Em'. Or at least try to. As it turned out, Rose was surprisingly good at cards.
He glanced up from his hand, ever maintaining a flawless poker face. "I don't know if other fictional character count...if I hear one more word about swallows, I might die. Again."
Voldemort cleared his throat. "Ahem."
"Oh, right, sorry," Bella said.
"Knock, knock," Voldemort taunted.
"Do I really have to do this?" she whined.
"I am the Dark Lord, and you will do as I say!"
"No, I'm the Dark Lord," thundered yet another mysterious voice from behind yet another wall of the Twilight room.
"Who the bloody hell are you?" Voldemort cried.
A long and painful pause, only filled by the sound of a heartbroken Jacob pitifully crying in the corner, passed until the voice spoke again. "I am Sauron, master of evil. One ring to rule them all. One ring to..."
"Shut the hell up!" cried Alice. "If not, I'll personally be all too happy to show you who the real Dark Lord is, and shove that ring right up your ass!"
Her hair was disheveled. She looked like she hadn't slept in forever, which was true, but still. Big purple bags were prominent under her eyes.
"But, I..." Sauron started.
"I'll eat you," she said, voice dead serious.
Sauron squeaked, and remained quiet for the rest of the day, but not before muttering something that sounded like. "Sick her, Gollum!"
"As I, the DARK LORD," Voldemort said loud enough for Sauron to hear, "was saying Bella...Knock, knock."
Bella's eyes rolled. She really missed Edward right now. Unfortunately, the great hand had swept Mary Sue and him away half an hour ago. "Who's there?"
"You know," said Voldemort, voice bubbling over with excitement.
"You know who..." Bella grumbled.
"Correct," he said, then doubled over in obnoxious laughter.
"Ho. Ly. Crap," Bella said. "ALICE! Turn me into a vampire right now so that I can beat the living crap out of this ridiculous Sauron knock off." Bella smirked. She knew that would get him riled.
Voldemort gasped. "I...well, I..."
Promptly, and without further ado, Bella grabbed the nearest object she could find...in this case, Emmett's play-doh, and shoved it into the hole in the wall.
"Hey!" cried Emmett. "I was making a rhinoceros."
"Preposterous," Bella replied, then sauntered off, leaving Emmett Play-doh-less and sulking.
"No more cross-overs," Bella announced. "The Meyer wouldn't like it."
At once, everyone stopped what they were doing. Jacob stopped cutting his speedily healing wrists with the broken fish tank shards, Carlisle and Rose set down their cards, Esme stopped crocheting, Alice ceased threatening Sauron, and everyone immediately got down on their knees.
"All hail the great Meyer!" they said, extending their arms and bowing over and over again.
"Long live the Meyer!" cried Emmett.
With a pop, Edward and Mary came back to the room.
"Crap!" Edward exclaimed. "Literally."
Oh no, Bella thought. An all human fic. Edward was never happy after those.
She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. "Now you know how I feel all the time."
"And I am truly, deeply sorry," he said. "It's disgusting."
Edward Cullen really had an aversion to all human fics, not so much because of the food. (McRib was back at McDonalds.) The reason he hated it was what had to happen after the food intake, the whole "what goes in must come out" theory.
He gave a shudder.
"Corner?" she asked.
"You betcha'," Edward replied.
"Alert! Alert! Mayday!" Alice cried, as they began passionately making out. Everyone immediately removed his or her outer layer of clothing.
Jasper glared at the both of them. "You two are single-handedly causing global warming," he said. "Polar bears are dying because of you."
But they didn't hear him...and sadly, just that second, on the Rosenburg Ice Shelf in Antarctica, a polar bear fell down dead.
All of a sudden, Mike stood up. "Jessica! She's now trapped in the Harry Potter room!"
His facial expression was mortified and expectant- expectant of the mortification of everyone else.
"Good riddance," said Bella between kisses.
Everyone else cheered and skipped about with glee.
"House party!" Rosalie called.
Emmett marched around in a circle yelling "Toga! Toga!"
Thirty minutes later, the bubble machine was set up. An odd combination of hip-hop and country was blasting from a conjured boom box, and the disco ball was throwing rainbows around the room. Everyone was just about to get their groove on when they all felt it – the call.
In unison, the residents gasped.
This was the most important call of the day. The Meyer needed them.
They were all about to meet their maker...in the very best possible way. The Meyer was using them in her new book.
Radiant smiles were on everyone's face as the hand scooped them up once again and carried them home.
A/N: lol. Let's see...about four fandoms in one thousand words... ahem! Guinesses, Im over here! Newho, again, just random venting. Written for fun. Hope you have fun, too etc., etc., etc. All hail the Meyer!