Disclaimer: Don't own it.

A/N: If you happen to love Breaking Dawn with a burning passion, may I kindly suggest hitting the back button. In truth, I liked the book. Not my favorite, but hey. It's all done in good fun, I promise, but still. Not in the mood for flames. I fight fire with fire.

"What is that?" cried Jessica.

Renesmee giggled, reaching towards Jessica's face.

"Ew no! I just reapplied foundation four minutes ago. How did it happen anyway? I thought you guys couldn't do that."

"Well... what's your name again?" Emmett asked. "I haven't seen you in seven hundred pages or so."

"Jessica," Jessica hissed.

Emmett cleared his throat, thrilled to be a Family Life teacher stand-in. "When a man and a woman love each other very much..."

"Emmett," Carlisle snapped. "That is inappropriate."

"To tell you the truth Jessica," Bella said, "we really don't know."

"Edward," said Esme, "Get Renesmee, she's climbing up the wall again.

And so she was, on hands and knees, scaling the wall Spidermanlike like it was no big deal at all.

"Who's that?" Edward asked.

Rosalie thunked him over the head. "Your child!"

"I have a child?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Come down for mommy, sweety."

"I want to have a baby," Mike Newton declared. "Jessica, what's your mom's name?"

"Partrice."

"Cool! My mom's name is Midge. We'll name the kid Partridge!"

"Orrrrr," interjected Jess, "we could use the first letters of my former lovers' initials! Let's see... there's Edward"

"I was never your lover!" Edward screamed.

"Fine," sighed Jessica, "Not him then. All right, that leaves Ben, Tyler, and you dear. BYM! Bim! Do you think we should do the last names, too?"

"Sure," Mike answered. "Hmmm... Newton, Stanley. By George I've got it! Nannly!"

"Partridge or Bim Nannly. It's perfect!"

"Jacob," Bella yelled, "could you..."

"I am not a pedophile!" he screamed. He was clawing, literally, at his hair and rocking back and forth. "Or... I mean, I can't help it! I have to be. So, don't judge me!"

Bella sauntered over, brought a water bottle with a pump out of her pocket, and sprayed him a few good times. "Bad dog! Now get over here and help me with..." She checked her daughter's current locale. She was on the ceiling now. "Nessie!"

Suddenly, a deep rumble sounded throughout the room, and the tiled floor beneath their feet began to crack. What started as one little split branched open and outward like a spiderweb. Water began to seep through. Occupants stepped back.

Then, a scaly, slime-lined head popped up through the soggy hole in the center.

"You rang?" asked the Loch Ness Monster.

Right on cue, crickets began chirping in the background.

Rosalie banged on the wall. "Voldemort stop making the cricket noises!"

"Sorry!" he hissed, and silence rang once more.

"Well," the Loch Ness Monster continued, "Get on with it!"

"The Loch Ness Monster's... a girl?" asked Jasper.

"Problem with that?" Alice questioned.

"I'm not a girl," the real Nessie said. "I'm a woman!"

"Erm," Edward stepped forward. "We didn't call you. You see... I have this daughter apparently, and we nicknamed her Nessie."

"After me? You shouldn't have." Giant, reptilian eyelashes batted.

"Right then."

"Well," said Nessie, again, the real mythical one (ignore the oxymoron), "I must be going now. Things to do. Locks to haunt." With that, she dove back under.

Alice took one look at the water welling up in the center of the room and cried out, "Pool party!"

In tandem, the Cullens ripped off their outer layers of clother. That's something no one knew, that the Cullens always, always, always wore swimwear under their day-to-day clothing.

"Jasper," moaned Alice. "Not the Speedo again!"

Her husband held his head high. "It's downright com-fer-ta-bel." He was mildly ticked. Of course the southern came out.

"And form fitting," Carlisle added, donning his own lime Speedo.

Alice shook her head and dove in, eager to be away from this blatant offense to both the fashion and the common-decency worlds.

Bella, Edward, and Renesmee refrained from swimming, sitting like the picture-perfect family they were.

"You know who I haven't seen around lately?" Bella asked.

"Who?" Edward patted Nessie's, the other mythical, non-reptilian one's head.

"Mary Sue."

With a sorrowful expression in his eyes, Edward took Bella's hand in his. "Honey, I love you, but..."

"But what?"

"But..." Edward pulled a mirror out of his front pocket and held it in front of his wife's face. "Look at yourself."

Gray eyes looked out to the mirror. Bella was appalled to note her gray ensemble: hair, dress, and slippers. "What have I become!" she cried. "No! No!"

She stood up and began to back away from the sofa. Finally, unable to bear the torment, she sunk to her knees and shouted up to the heavens, "Why?"

Nessie giggled.

"Not now Renesmee! Tell me this isn't true, Edward. Tell me," Bella gulped, "that I haven't become... Mary Sue. Say it isn't so!"

Edward looked down at his feet, before finally glancing up at his wife's stricken face. With duty, he uttered the word, "Shoelaces".

Involuntarily, Bella said, "I love shoelaces."

And then, horror washed through her. "No!" she shouted again. "But she was just here!"

"Mary took early retirement," Edward said. "They offered her a job in the Star Wars lounge that she couldn't refuse. Some insane, outside forces decided that you would make a lovely, people-pleasing replacement. I'm sorry."

"...I love sorry."