A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. This is the second-to-last chapter, just letting you know ahead of time. :)
Breaking up is hard to do.
Yes, it was a cheesy song lyric from the 60's, but in Trish's life, at this very moment, it held several different meanings. She had broken up with Christian, but now she was in his arms. And she knew that because she was in Christian's arms, she was going to have to break it off with John. It wasn't fair, and it was going to be difficult, but it was the right thing to do.
Her heart wasn't with John, and she knew that it never would be. Her heart belonged to Christian, and she couldn't keep ignoring that. She couldn't keep ignoring such a big part of herself. It was like she was denying herself oxygen and she just couldn't do that.; she couldn't hold her breath any longer without suffocating. Being without Christian made her feel like she was suffocating.
"Christian," she whispered.
"Yeah?" she heard him whisper back, his voice softer than the breeze hitting them.
"Please don't ever leave me again," she told him. "Promise me that you won't leave me again. I wouldn't be able to stand it."
"I promise," he told her, "and you can trust me on that one. I know that I've been a jackass and I don't deserve a second chance."
"It's not about deserving," she told him, holding him tighter than tight. "It's about the fact that when I feel alive, I'm with you. When I feel like a real person, with a real life, it's with you, and I can't pretend it isn't." People pretend every day and some people could do that, live that life of make believe. Some people became so good at hiding who they really were or what they could do and be, but she couldn't. She was as transparent as a window, and she couldn't be that person that she wasn't anymore.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry," Christian told her, pulling her tighter until she felt no breeze as she was so enveloped into his body. "I'm just so sorry."
"I know," she told him, "I know you are. I can't say I'm not mad at you for it, but I know that you're sorry. I know."
Christian pulled away and she almost whimpered at the loss of contact. He took her face in his hands and just looked at her. She could feel his eyes all over her face and she couldn't ever quite catch his gaze. She searched for it though and when she finally caught it, she could see only honest love for her and she had missed being gazed at by Christian. What he saw in her own eyes, she couldn't tell, but she hoped that he knew that she loved him so much too.
Christian saw her watery brown eyes, pools of tears just waiting to spring out. She closed her eyes a moment, as if to collect herself and he leaned forward and kissed one eyelid and then moved over to the other. She gave a deep sigh of contentment, and Christian nuzzled his nose against hers, and somehow, this was all gentler than it had been before. It was like the both of them had grown up sometime in the interim of their time apart. They had both seen the world without the other, and both found it bland and unappealing.
"I am, I am so sorry, you'll never know how much, but I'm going to make it up to you, I swear to God, right here, Trish, I'm going to make it up to you."
"All you have to do to make it up to me is to be here. That's all I need from you Christian, but that's really important. I just need you to be here because without you, I feel lost and alone and I just don't want to feel like that anymore."
"I know, I won't, I don't think I could do this again, and I wouldn't expect you to come back to me if I did, I didn't expect you to come back to me now, actually," he said with a soft chuckle. "In fact, I kind of think that I'm dreaming right now and everything is just kind of in a fog. I'm not dreaming, or am I? Because if I am, then this really, really sucks."
"Not dreaming," she told him. "Because if you were dreaming, I would not be feeling this pit in my stomach that's telling me what I have to do."
"What…oh," Christian said as he knew what she was talking about and she nodded.
"We still have a lot to work out Christian, this isn't going to be over in a few minutes and everything is suddenly going to be great with us. We have to work on it, but I'm willing to put in the work, and I think you are too…"
"I am," he said eagerly.
She nodded and took a deep breath, knowing she was going to have to go back into the lion's den so to speak. She looked Christian in the eye and spoke, "Well, I guess I have to go talk to someone…"
"I can go with you if you want."
"No, I have to do this by myself, there's no other way. If you're with me, then…it's just not going to be…I need to do this alone."
"Okay," he told her, but he was reluctant. He didn't want her to have to do this by herself. He was in this too and he wanted to support her, but maybe this was supporting her in a way. He had to let her do what she had to do on her own and not try to smother her.
Trish kissed him one more time, for luck she told herself, and went over to the door. She steeled herself, hoping that nobody had their ear up to the door. She could almost picture it now, she'd open the door and the entire party would fall at her feet in a huge pile, before guiltily getting up embarrassed. But when she did open the door, there wasn't anyone there, and nobody even looked in her direction. She sighed in relief at that.
As she stood on the edge of the dance floor, she thought about what she was about to do. She knew that John cared about her very deeply and she was about to break his heart. She was going to rip it out and watch it pound to a stop. She didn't want to do this, she realized, but what choice did she have? String the both of them along and keep them apart? She couldn't, and wouldn't, do that. They both deserved more.
It occurred to her briefly that she might be making the wrong decision in regards to Christian. Maybe she was making the worst decision of her life. John loved her, she knew this, even if he had never told her. She wasn't blind to his feelings. He cared about her and took care of her, and most importantly, he was there when she really needed someone to be there. Her other friends all had lives and they couldn't commit all their time to her and her problems. But John had been there for her when she needed the support. Now she was going to break his heart, and for what?
Christian wasn't exactly the ideal boyfriend, but he was the man she loved. And that love had to trump anything else that she might feel. She looked around the room and tried to spot him, but couldn't find him anywhere. She wanted to get this over with now because as each second passed, her resolve was fading quickly. If her resolve faded completely, she didn't think that she would really go through with this, and that scared her a little bit.
She decided to ask someone if they had seen John, and her eyes fell first on Stephanie and Chris, which wasn't hard because Stephanie was now carrying the only kid in the room. Somehow, Devin had found his way down into the ballroom and was being held by Stephanie. She walked over and saw that the little boy was watching the festivities sleepily as Chris rubbed his back in a soothing manner.
"Hey you guys, what's Dev doing here?" Trish asked.
"Oh, someone was cranky and wouldn't go to bed if we weren't there, he's just in that terrible two phase," Stephanie explained. "But he wanted to be with us and we weren't going to deny a two-year old that."
"Yeah, I can see that reasoning," Trish said, then looked around uncomfortably.
"I think I saw him in going to the bathroom," Stephanie said.
"What are you talking about?"
"John, everyone knows what you were doing out there with Christian," Chris interjected. "It's okay though, Trish, I think we all understood."
"Understood?"
"We knew…that Christian leaving…we knew that it was hard on you, we all know the faces and the zoning out, we're just saying that we knew," Stephanie explained. "I mean, you did just get back together with him right?"
"Yeah," she said sheepishly.
"And now you need to talk to John," Stephanie said.
"Yeah, I do," she said. "It's not going to go well, is it?"
"Well, I don't know exactly."
"Hey babe," John said, coming up behind Trish and kissing her cheek. Trish tensed in his arms, feeling even more horrible than she did before. Now that she was here in his arms, her resolve was crumbling in double time. She gave a forced smile to Stephanie, who was looking sympathetic.
"Hey Johnny," she said, probably for the last time. She turned in his arms and looked up at him. "Can we go somewhere and talk?"
John didn't like that look on her face, but he agreed anyways, "Yeah, sure, where?"
"The lobby maybe, or…I don't know, somewhere quiet."
"Do you want to go back up to the room or something?"
"That might work," she told him, nodding her head. He smiled at her as he took her hand. What was she doing? She didn't want to hurt John, she really didn't. She let him lead her out of the ballroom, leaving the cacophony of sound behind for the silence of the elevator. The ride was short, she expected it to be long and arduous for her troubled mind, but it was much too short. It was mere moments and she was now faced with a door and a conversation she wasn't looking forward to.
"So what's up?" John asked as they went inside. "Or did you just want to get me up here so you could have your way with me?"
Trish didn't smile as she sat down on the bed and looked sideways to the ground. John noticed her demeanor and realized that this was actually a serious conversation and not one that was going to end well. Plus, he had a strong feeling that he knew what this was going to be about. He had been so good at ignoring the situation, of ignoring the way she spaced out or the way that she would watch him in TNA. He had gotten it down to a science, this ignorance, but deep down he knew. Deep down he knew that he was just living on borrowed time.
He came and sat next to her, looking down at the ground himself. "It's him, isn't it?"
Trish was startled that he knew, but she should've known. If everyone else knew and hinted at her, there was no way that John couldn't see it. "I'm sorry…"
John nodded. "Is there any chance for me, because I will get down on my knees right now and tell you why you should choose me?"
"Johnny, please don't do that because that would break me," she told him quietly. "I don't want to do this, I don't want to hurt you."
"I know you don't Trish, but it's gonna hurt anyways," he said to her, grabbing her hand. "I love you, you know that, I don't have to tell you for you to know that, and I thought…I thought I made you happy."
"You did, you took my mind off of things," she told him, turning on the bed so she could face him. "You have no idea how much you helped me. You pulled me through a time where I didn't even want to get up in the morning. I was at my lowest point, Johnny, and you were there to pull me through, and for that I'm so grateful."
"What if he does it to you again, Trish, huh? What if he leaves you again like he did? He did it once, so there's no way to know if he won't do it again. You're willing to take that chance, when you could have something good and steady here."
"I don't know anything, Johnny, I don't know anything. All I know is that I love him…and I know that sound stupid and naïve of me, but it's what…it's what I feel. I'm not a whole person if I'm not with him, and you were so good at distracting me that I thought I was healing, I thought I was getting over everything…but then I see him, and I talk to him, and he's…Christian, and I'm Trish, and we just…go. We go…"
"We go together too, Trish," John pleaded. "We do and I would never hurt you like he did. I wouldn't do it. I would never leave you like he did. How can you forgive something like that?"
"I haven't," she told him. "I haven't forgiven Christian for that, not completely, but I have to move forward. Johnny, I'm not right for you. I'll never be what you want me to be. I'll never be fully committed to you, and I'll never be really enough for you when a large part of my heart is somewhere else."
"You are enough for me," he told her passionately. "You have no idea how enough for me you are. When I'm with you…it's like magic or something and that's good enough for me."
Trish's eyes were full of tears at this point. "John…I'm sorry, I really am. But over time, you'd realize that you'd need more from me, much more, and it'd be things that I couldn't give you. And you'd hate me, and you'd start to resent me."
"Don't tell me how I'd feel!" John said, frustrated with how this was going. He didn't want to give up Trish. He didn't care that she was hung up over Christian, she would get over that. She would get over that and be with him, she just had to believe in it.
"Okay, I'm sorry," she told him, not wanting to turn this into a shouting match. "John, it's like this…I can't be with you when I'm still in love with Christian. I'll probably never really be over Christian if I don't see where this is going."
"So whatever I do, it's not going to be enough," he said testily.
"John, it's not like that. I wish you could see it from my perspective but--"
"Then just get the hell out of here," John told her. "Just get the hell out of my sight."
"John…"
"No, just leave, Trish, just fucking leave," John said, turning away from her.
Trish opened her mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out because there was nothing that she could say. He wanted her to leave and the least she could do was respect his wishes. She didn't want it to turn out this way, but what other way could it turn out? He was hurt and upset and she didn't blame him. She couldn't blame him because she knew what this would do to him. She didn't want to be callous or mean, but this was what she needed. She needed Christian and she couldn't just leave what she knew was right.
She leaned over to kiss John's cheek, even if he didn't want it. "I'm sorry John, I really am…I hope one day you forgive me."
Trish stood up and gathered up her things before pulling her suitcase out of the room and leaving John to his privacy. John sat there, and he was glad he hadn't looked at Trish, because she would've seen a broken man. He sat up and sucked at his teeth a little, his eyes actually watery. Yes, he was on the verge of tears. John fucking Cena was on the verge of tears and it was the most pathetic sight that he could ever think of. He wiped at his eyes, furiously trying to erase the tears that were pooling in there and burning. He looked to the door where she had just exited and let a few stray tears fall down his face, feeling for all the world, a fool.
"I forgive you, Trish, I forgive you."