Here's Chapter 2; I hope you guys like it :D

Song:: Bartender by Hed P.E

DISCLAIMER:: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING.. BLAHBLAHBLAH

"Fuck" I muttered as I dropped my last cigarette into a puddle. I think that was the icing on the cake at this moment. It was one of those moments when things just seem so much, that a small detail like losing a cigarette made my eyes water. I was stressed to say the least. I was walking to my car from my current shrink's office and it had just finished raining. It was finally Autumn and that meant the weather would finally start dropping, L.A 'dropping' of course. Which meant a whopping 70 instead of 80 degrees.

I hated when doctors start trying to get to the root of why I was the way I was. I never told her much. Just the basics I guess; nobody loves me, I'm a little whore, and I'm all alone. Dr. Terry was her name; well that's what I called her. She introduced herself as Terry on our first session and in all honestly, I don't even know the woman's last name.

About a year ago I had a one-night stand at some party. I was totally wasted and the guy was just taking advantage of a drunk girl, but I let him. A month later I still hadn't gotten my period. It turned out I was pregnant. The average 16 year old girl who found out she was pregnant would go crazy and probably just abort the thing. But not me. In some weird and twisted way I felt whole. A baby seemed like much but it was someone who I could call mine for good. It would love me, it would come home after school to give me a hug telling me how much I was missed, telling me how happy they were to have a mommy like me. My dreams were shot though. I miscarried at about 10 weeks. I never even got to find out the sex. In a way I figured it's what I deserved. I don't deserve happiness, at least that's the way it has always seemed to me. I wasn't supposed to be loved. I was supposed to suffer.

Today Terry thought it would be best to talk about this. I didn't want to. I never talked about this. The only two people who ever knew about the pregnancy were Kyla and Aiden. They were actually very supportive in my decision to keep it. Kyla knows me better than most people, and I think deep down she knew why I wanted to have that baby. She knew what it meant to me. Kyla had that person to love and I didn't, and I think she knew I could finally have that, if not in a lover than through a child. I ended up barging out of the session 20 minutes before my time was up. She still got paid so why would she complain. I hated therapists. They only pretended to care because my problems enabled their wallets to expand. They were selfish people just like the rest of us despite their fancy degrees in mental health. MY mental health was MY concern; I didn't need to pay her $120 an hour so she could tell me I had emotional issues. Thank you Sherlock, I hadn't realized it.

So apart from crying over a dropped cigarette I decided I was going to make myself feel better the only way I knew how. I whipped out my Sidekick and looked through my contacts until I found the one I needed. I didn't feel like speaking so I figured a text would be the best thing to send.

[Please tell me u aren't dry. I'll love u 4ever!

Within seconds my phone buzzed and I read the new message.

[Chica I got xanies, bud and blow today.. whatcha need?

I drove to my dealer's neighborhood and called him to make sure the coast was clear. He still lived with his parents, which always made me laugh because he always brought his costumers home. I dropped five $20s on his bed and took home a half eight of bud, three dubs and a few pills. Wow, this was going to be an interesting night. It was just started to get dark and I definitely couldn't face going home. I didn't want Kyla to see me like this. Deep down I think she's starting to find out how bad I have become, but I deny it every time she tries to talk to me about it. It kills me to know I'm hurting her, but I'm selfish and I don't think I could stop just to make her feel better, I hurt way too bad. As soon as I sat in my car I dipped my key into the bag of white and took two bumps, one for each nostril. Immediately the rush hit me but I still wasn't feeling any better. I needed to drive and forget. I wanted my thoughts to leave me because they hurt too badly. These thoughts of depression, of my suicide attempts, and my life consumed me. They ate at me until there was nothing left. If I could have just ripped my mind out of my head I would have, right there, no matter how painful or messy it would have been. I'd have ended these thoughts of anger, the lonely pangs of life that cut me everyday. I hated everyone but I think I hated myself more.

[[ Ain't nothing workin', ain't nothing right. Theres a hole in me that I can't fill no matter how hard I try. Ain't nothing sweeter, ain't nothing wrong. All this pain that I receive it keeps me strong, it keeps me moving on.

I parked my car in front of Gray. Gray was my favorite club to go to. It was an all ages club until midnight when it became 18 and older, but I have a pretty sick fake ID and I'm friends with the bartender. She knows I'm only 17 but she's cool and we always talk about shit. I skipped the line at the front door and made my way straight to the bathroom. I needed another line, and I needed it now. As I walked to the stall I snuck a peak at my reflection; Goddamn, I looked like shit. My eyes were puffy and it was obvious I have been crying and doing some sort of drugs. I ended up snorting two fat lines and my body told me to stop right there. I left the stall as quickly as I had walked there and took a seat at the bar. There she is, my favorite bartender.

[[ Hey bartender hit me with a double and introduce me to that girl with the bubble. I'm looking for trouble tonight, no momma don't trust me tonight.

"Well hello Ashley. You sure are here early tonight. What can I get for you babe?" Her voice was sweet and if I were anybody else it would have made me smile. But I'm me and I am broken.

"You can start by hooking me up with a vodka cranberry. A lot more vodka than cranberry just the way I like it" I said sarcastically wearing my fake smile.

"Rough night hun?"

"Yeah, you have no idea.." I let me voice trail off before taking a look around. The club was pretty empty but it wasn't even nine yet. It just hit me how wired I really was because I couldn't keep my hand still. I was fidgeting really badly and I kept biting my lip, something I always did when I was nervous. I continued looking around the club and it only made me sick to my stomach. Everyone looked so happy and carefree; couples were kissing, friends were laughing, and I sat alone, wired, and depressed. Fun huh?

"Here you go" I heard as my drink was placed next to my arm, "You wanna talk or no?"

"Na, I think I'm good. But thanks Mel."

"Ashley! What are you doing here!?" Oh no. I know that voice and it is definitely not the voice I could deal with right now.

"Aiden, Kyla, what a coincidence. I didn't know you guys were coming going to be here tonight." I love sarcasm.

"Well it's Friday and there was nothing else to do. Who are you here with? I tried calling you but you're phone was off. Didn't your appointment end at 7? Where have you been?"

"What is this 20 questions?" I sarcastically said as I took a sip from my drink, "Sorry Ky, I'm just kind of out of my head right now. Bad day you know?" Kyla understood how I got.

"I know Ash I just worry. Get up! C'mon lets dance!"

"Na I don't really feel like dancing right now, maybe later?"

"Oh no, I'm not taking no for an answer. Ooooh! There's that new girl Spencer she's in my economics class she's really nice. I'm going to go say hi!" To my benefit Kyla had the attention span of a goldfish. I envied her happiness. All my life I wished I could be like her; so free, so cool and collected. She's the epitome of a well-adjusted kid and I'm her crazy sister on suicide watch. Kyla grabbed Aiden's hand and let him to the table where Spencer was sitting with two guys, a black kid in a plaid button up shirt and some skinny blonde guy who I'm assuming is her brother because he looks a lot like her. It turned out we not only had chemistry together but lunch, algebra and photography. I only sat next to her in chemistry though; she was way too sweet to be brought down by me. As much as I wanted to get to know her something told me I shouldn't. Not like she would hurt me or something like that but more in the way that she was probably going to change the way I looked at everything, and I don't know if I could deal with losing something like that once I have it in reach. I pulled out the pack of cigarettes that I had stopped at a gas station to get on the way to Gray. I lit a cigarette and inhaled. Better.

I looked over to where Spencer sat and saw her and Kyla talking enthusiastically about something. Kyla grabbed Spencer's hand and they started walking over to where I saw sitting. It made me more nervous than a little kid on their first day of school. What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Hey Ash you know Spencer right?"

"Hey Ash you totally should have told me this morning that you were coming to Gray tonight, my stupid brothers wanted to check it out or whatever so I got dragged along."

"Brothers?" I asked, "I didn't know you had two brothers where is the other one?"

"Oh that's both of them sitting. And yes, I know Clay's black, he was adopted." She was so cute when she laughed; it made me want to vomit a little bit, because she really was that cute. She really was that beautiful and I didn't know what to think of that. I hook up with girls all the time, but they never mean anything to me. I never think they are beautiful. Spencer is beautiful. The good thing about having all those classes with her is that I get to watch her more than I should. She has only been in my school for a week but I think I can already recognize her confused face, her happy face, and her angry face. There are still so many more faces I wish I could figure out though, like the one she makes when she notices I'm watching her. I start to think I freak her out, but then she keeps on talking to me like if we had been friends forever.

"So I was just telling Spencer about Scott's party tomorrow. I think she should definitely come over to our house before hand and we can show her how to party California style. Don't you think sis?"

"Yeah totally." I don't know why but my mood lifted slightly at the thought of Spencer coming over to my house. My stomach was turning. She was making me nervous.

"Well, I would totally love to go with you guys to that party but I'd have to ask my mom first. I'm sure she would say yes but I might not have a ride to or from your house Kyla."

"That's cool though, Ash can totally pick you up.. Right Ash?"

"Uh, yeah I can do that" My heart wasn't going to slow down. She was making me so nervous, and I didn't know what to think of that.

"Well hey it was good talking to you but I should get back to my brother's before they have anxiety attacks. Here's my number so call me tomorrow." Spencer grabbed Kyla's phone and saved her number on it.

And like that I watched her walk away.

And like that I needed another drink.

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