Lawli: Sorry it's taken so long for me to update this!! It being summer and all, I've let myself get really lazy -- not only with my fics, but with school as well. Turns out I've been slacking so much that I might not pass my summer course (which is required for my major, sadly). D: Thus, I must put fanfics on the back burner for a couple of weeks so I can bring my grade up.

A few of you said you had theories about what L meant by saying what he did at the end of the last chapter. I wish you'd have told me what they were, but oh well. You'll find out what he meant in this chapter, and if it wasn't what you were expecting, I'd love to know what you were expecting!

Enjoy the chapter!

Also... this Tuesday (June 17) is my birthday! I'll be turning 19 (oh my god I feel so old)!
...Please leave a review on your way out as a birthday present??

:D?

in the land where no-one smiles
-IV-

"You want this. I know you want it. The ancient release. The great letting go."

Light didn't know what to say. He stared at his best friend, a look of wide-eyed disbelief on his face as the words repeated in his head over and over and over again. Clenching his fists tightly, Light grappled for words, finding that his extensive vocabulary had suddenly chosen to abandon him.

"D-don't say that, L," he finally managed to stumble out.

L wasn't a murderer. He wasn't capable of it, there was no way he would... especially his own brother, whom he loved more than anything. L couldn't kill. L wasn't like him, not at all; he would never do something so disgusting. At the mere thought, a strange mixture of emotions bubbled in the pit of his stomach, making Light feel as though he was going to throw up.

"I mean it, Light-kun, I—"

"The autopsy report said that—"

"He died of a heart attack," L finished softly, fisting the material of his uniform pants in his hands. He lowered his head and his bangs fell in front of his eyes, shielding them from view. "I know that."

Light didn't understand where L was going with this. "Then how...?"

L cut him off again, speaking in a voice so quiet that Light had to strain his ears in order to hear it.

"I wished for it." He bit down on his bottom lip, body trembling as a breeze suddenly picked up, making the leaves of the tree the pair sat under rustle in mock tranquility. "I wished for it... That night when he..." he couldn't bring himself to say the words, but of course Light knew which night he was referring to. "I wished that he would die."

Light couldn't believe what he was hearing. Never in all his life would he imagine L wishing death on someone. L was so selfless, such a genuinely good person. That he could wish for anyone's death – even someone like Beyond's – was just unthinkable.

Just because he might have wished for it, however, didn't mean that Beyond's premature death was L's fault. That blame weighed down fully on Light's shoulders, and he would not have L trying to carry that burden. L had been through so much already. Light didn't want him to hurt anymore.

"L, don't say that."

"It's true, Light-kun." L's body began to shake more fiercely, as if all he'd bottled up, all he'd suppressed, was threatening to burst free. L gripped his knees tightly, trying to keep a hold of himself.

Light remained silent for a brief period of time, contemplating how to comfort his friend, how to get this ludicrous idea out of L's mind. L wasn't guilty; he'd never been guilty. Light was the culprit – and even more so than him, Beyond. Beyond was the criminal. Beyond was the one who truly hurt people. Beyond was the one who... the one who deserved to...

"No one deserves to die, Light-kun."

Light shook his head to try and clear the thought from his mind, because he had done the right thing. It was a sin – the worst sin imaginable, taking another's life – but it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do.

"L, I want you to stop this," Light said, his tone stern as if he were chastising a small child – and in a way, he was; L couldn't be an adult, an adult didn't need protection, an adult didn't need their best friend to get rid of the monsters under the bed (the monsters in the bed). "Beyond... Beyond died of a heart attack. Natural causes. There's no way that you could have known, or that you could have caused it."

"But I—"

"No, L. You didn't do anything. You feel guilty that you're alive, and that's normal but it's not okay because now you're blaming yourself for something you had no control over!"

"But he died—"

"It was his time to go."

"He died thinking I hated him!"

L grasped the rosary around his neck, his eyes wide and seeming to quiver within their sockets, and Light smiled sadly, hoping bitterly that Beyond had died thinking such a thing because it would have tortured him.

"He died thinking... the last thing I said to him... I hate you... That's what I... that's the last thing. What he remembered, he thought I hated him and now I can't..." Tears were beginning to drip from his eyes. "I c-can't... I can't tell him it's not true."

L was sobbing now, the rosary clasped tightly in his hands, the crucifix pressed against his bottom lip as he begged for forgiveness. Light stared, uncertain, as he'd never seen his friend break down like this.

"God, pray for my soul..."

Light reached over and grabbed L's shoulders, shaking them roughly. "L, stop it! This isn't your fault! This isn't... it was..." It was me! I'm guilty, I'm a murderer, pray for my soul! "It was his time to go."

L gazed up at him with blank eyes, like he knew it was a lie – like he knew they both knew it was a lie. Beyond was a normal, healthy young man. It wasn't his time.

Moving so that his arms were now wrapped around L's shoulders, Light pulled him closer, into an embrace that felt awkward for both of them. L was still crying, though it was softer now. Light guided L's head to rest on his chest, consequently dragging the rest of L's body into his lap, and held him silently, hiding his face in his friend's unruly hair.

"I'm here for you," he whispered. "I'm here and I... I'll always be here, L."

L gripped the front of his shirt; one of Light's hands fell to rest against the small of his back.

"I'll always be here."

"Light-kun..."

L tilted his head back slightly, locking eyes with him, and for a moment they just gazed into one another, the wind rustling their hair and the early evening sun coloring their cheeks.

Before either of them realized, their lips had connected in a ghost of a kiss. Light's eyes widened, his breath catching as he came to his senses. The immediate response was to pull away, but L kept him from acting on that impulse by laying a hand on Light's cheek, caressing the soft skin as his lips lingered on Light's. L's fingers crept back, brushing against Light's hair, as he tried to deepen the kiss, increasing the pressure against Light's lips desperately.

"L..."

The utterance was swallowed by L's mouth. Light gasped, his mind drawing a complete blank. His grip around the other teen slackened, body unresponsive even as L furthered his advances by straddling him.

"Beyond..."

The name of L's brother was enough to jerk Light from his stupor. He wrenched his lips away, breathing heavily as the blood rushed to his face. "L, stop it," he said, but L didn't listen. He tried again to kiss Light, speaking against his half-opened mouth as he did so.

"I should love Beyond like this, Light-kun, I... I should have."

He tilted his head and Light leaned back to get away from the unwanted attention. He loved L, L was his best friend (and possibly, possibly something more), but... like this... Not like this...

All he could see was Beyond, hovering over L – ravaging L, breaking him...

"But I... for whatever reason, I... It's always been you."

L broke the kiss slowly, raising his eyes hesitantly. Light started back down at him, mouth agape and heart hammering in his chest, thinking, did this really just happen?

"I'm sorry," L finally whispered, black-hole eyes falling shut.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As promised, L did not stay at the Yagami residence very long. Within a week following the incident at the park (which Light insisted they not discuss again, after L tried apologizing profusely for his behavior and a quite flustered Light mumbled for him not to worry about it) L managed to find an apartment relatively close by. Money hadn't been a problem for him – in addition to what he'd inherited from his parents a decade ago he now also had the money left to him from Beyond – but still he'd chosen an apartment designed for people with a moderately low income.

"What do I need a nice place for?" he asked when Mrs. Yagami pointed this out on the day L decided to give them a tour. "It's not like I have anyone to share it with."

It was strange not having L in the house any longer. Even though the last few days with him had been uncomfortable to the point where the two boys stiffened up if left alone in the same room, now Light found himself wishing for the awkward company. It wasn't as though he never saw L – they still got to see each other every day at school – but riding the bus by himself was not something Light was accustomed to. Now that L lived in a completely different neighborhood it was understandable that he would be using a new bus for a more convenient means of transportation, but still Light hadn't expected it and it took quite a bit of time to get used to not having anyone to talk to (even if, for the last week or so, they hadn't really been talking very often at all).

Their conversations were infrequent and tended to follow the same format every time:

Light would ask L how he was doing, if he was warming up to his new apartment, and L would respond with a nod and say something along the lines of how it was a small place but he was growing fond of it, and that the elderly widow who lived next door baked him another batch cookies and brought them over that morning before he left for school and they were so delicious that he actually packed some for lunch; L then in return questioned how things were at Light's house, and Light would honestly tell L that his presence was sorely missed and how his mother and Sayu (especially Sayu) wished that he would visit more often, like he used to; they would then fall into silence, one trying to catch the other's eye and the other pointedly avoiding making contact, until the bell rang or something else diverted their attention.

Sometimes, on the rare occasion that it was just the two of them, L would grab Light's hands and press them to his lips as if they were the crucifix of the rosary that hung around his neck and he was praying for forgiveness. When this happened, Light stood still, not knowing what to do because only God had the power to forgive people. Eventually he would end up hugging L tightly, burying his nose in L's wild black hair as he'd done that day underneath the tree before L kissed him and inhaling deeply, not saying a word in response to the constant I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, because, really, what could he – he, who'd committed far worse sins – possibly say?

The days passed at a snail's pace, lack of company and normal conversation with his best friend seeming to make the minutes tick by excruciatingly slow. L decided to make Wednesday and Saturday the two days of the week that he would spend at the Yagami residence.

On both days he would meet Light at his house and stay for dinner and then leave promptly afterwards. Mrs. Yagami always tried to convince him to stay the night but L always declined and Light (who hated himself for secretly feeling uncomfortable with the idea of sharing a bed with L after L tried to kiss him) never got involved in aiming to make him change his mind. Until the moment came when L announced he had to leave, however, they generally had a good time. Often Light found himself thinking that things were beginning to return to a state of normalcy, but then L would catch his eye, or they would accidentally brush against each other, and he would freeze up all over again.

Light's family noticed the change between how the two acted around each other. His mother tried to talk to him about it once, but Light shut her out. He couldn't tell her, it was too complicated. Light himself couldn't even comprehend the mess that was his and L's relationship. Their problems were much greater than the fact that L had kissed him, much greater than Light's confusion over where exactly his feelings for L lay. In the past, Light would have been able to put that behind him – L's advances and his own mind-boggling emotions – but now, now that Light couldn't even look at L without seeing Beyond's face, everything had changed.

L still blamed himself. He was the one who always tried to apologize – to Light (for kissing him, for screwing things up; he hadn't meant to do that), to Beyond (for saying he hated him; he didn't hate him, he still loved him so much and he wished every day that he was there). Light always felt the desire to grab L by the neck and throttle him for being so naïve, but he didn't. He left him to his prayers because he could never tell him the truth; more than anything, Light knew, it would break him if L were to ever learn of the fact that his best friend was responsible for his brother's death.

As painful as Wednesday and Saturday nights tended to get, Light found himself looking forward to them anyways. Even if it was mostly spent in discomfited silence, the time he spent with L was precious since it was now so limited. He always raced to the bus stop on those afternoons, and usually it arrived on time, though sometimes it didn't – and when it didn't, instead of waiting around Light would decide to walk (sprint) home.

Several months later on a cloudy Saturday afternoon, the bus happened to be late and Light had resorted to running through the streets, his jacket pulled up over his head as a shield against the light rain that drizzled from the sky. His book bag dug into his shoulder, heavier than normal thanks to final exams approaching, and he tried not to grimace at the thought that he still had four more blocks to go.

The signal for the intersection he was stopped at just turned green and as he was about to make his way across the street a motorcycle sped by, disregarding the pedestrian signal entirely as well as the angry jeers of the several other people who had been attempting to cross the street along with Light (who was too busy grimacing at the fact that his uniform had just gotten soaked with the water kicked up by the motorcycle's wheels to bother yelling at the reckless driver). He shook his head and once again endeavored to cross the street, his eyes following the motorcycle as it screeched to a halt in front of a corner store.

"Hey, hey, pretty lady!"

It was unfortunately the route he had to take to get home, and so Light walked in the direction of the convenience store. Soon, the motorcycle was back in his line of vision (along with two more, which must have been waiting there from the beginning) and Light was able to see that the driver had pushed up the sunglasses he wore in order to speak to a mousy young woman carrying an armful of shopping bags. The woman tried obviously to ignore the motorcyclist, but the man called out to her again.

"Where you goin? Come have a little fun with us!"

"That's our Taku for ya," sniggered one of the other motorcyclists. "This guy could spot a hottie a mile away!"

Light acted as though he didn't know what was going on, like anyone else who was on the street at the time, thinking that they would let the authorities deal with this.

"What's up, little lady? The name's Takuo Shibuimaru."

"Whaddya say? Come an' hang out with us, pretty lady!"

"Please, I-I don't want any trouble," the woman replied.

Light gripped the strap of his book bag tightly, telling himself to just keep walking. It wasn't as though he could do anything to stop these guys. It would be three against one, and even if it was just that Taku guy Light knew he didn't stand a chance; he was fairly strong, but any of those men would easily be able to overpower him.

"Ya hear that, ha-ha, she doesn't want trouble – isn't that cute, ha-ha!"

There was nothing he could do.

Taku got off his bike and the woman took a step back, wanting to run even if she knew the man could effortlessly catch up to her.

The authorities would deal with this.

"Hold her arms!" Taku demanded. "Strip her down right here."

"Please... don't..."

There was nothing...

Light closed his eyes, hearing only L's frantic voice in his head.

"Please, Beyond... don't—"

...But there was.

He brought the notebook with him everywhere, terrified of someone else accidentally learning of its existence. Not once since he'd written Beyond's name had he used it or even considered using it. But now, as he watched the scene unfold out of the corner of his eye, picturing in his mind all the while L on his back with Beyond hovering over him on all fours, kissing and touching him everywhere, he could feel that familiar sick sensation boiling inside of him. He'd ignored it the first time, for a little while at least, but now... now that almost the exact same situation was happening again before his eyes, he couldn't allow himself to just walk on by.

But I can't use the notebook. Not again, I can't... I don't know this woman.

"B-Beyond..."

L...

Light looked over at the woman and suddenly saw L, his uniform pants being torn down to expose his skinny white legs which he kicked in a futile attempt to break free of Beyond's strong hold. Light's eyes widened, locking with the woman's eyes (which he now only saw as L's empty black irises) that clearly begged save me.

"L..."

For L he could kill – for L, he had killed.

Without thinking, Light pulled the notebook and a pen out from his backpack. His breathing grew erratic as he flipped through it and reached the page on which he'd written the name of L's brother.

B-E-Y-O-N-D B-I-R-T-H D-A-Y

Some people deserved to die. They were a hazard to others, and even if there were people who would miss them the world would be a better place with them gone.

L would hate him, if he ever knew, but –

Light touched his pen to the notebook paper and began to write.

—but that was okay. Because... in the end, Light was doing a good thing.

In the end, Light was doing the world a favor.

He was doing what was right.

T-A-K-U-O S-H-I-B-U-I-M-A-R-U

Forty seconds.

"You want this. I know you want it. The ancient release. The great letting go."

Lawli: From here on, this fic will show more elements from the actual series. But I'm still trying to keep it on a slightly different path so that I don't just re-write the series and bore you all to death.

See you next chapter. Until then...please leave me a birthday present review??