I know I'm horrible.. I haven't updated this in MONTHS. I've had no inspiration at all I'm sorry. Reading over this I feel like I have horrible grammar and writing skills, and this sucks too.. But oh well! I'm posting it anyways. Comments? Reviews? Please :)

It got to the point where I had no idea who I was anymore. I needed to get out of this place, or I need to find a way out of this feeling. I need to fix myself but I can't even start to do that if I can't even figure out where I am. On the good side I have this amazing person wanting to get inside, but I know its worthless. I can't give her anything if I can't event take care of myself. I can't help but push her away. Okay, these thoughts need to stop.

I push myself off of my cold tiled floor and reached a few feet away and grabbed an Altoid box. Opening the box I took out a bag of coke and a razor-blade. Setting up there pretty big lines on my dresser proved difficult with how much my hands were shaking. I'd been locked in my room doing powder for at least an hour and a half. My heart was beating and I was definitely not in need of anymore coke. But of course, my impulses tell me otherwise. With my rolled up dollar bill i took a line for each nostril, and saved the last one for later. Immediately after the second line the blast in my face made me sit back against the wall. "Ugh oh god" I heard myself say aloud.

Dinner tonight which I really thought for once might be better, maybe because Spencer was there, proved to be a wreck. Maybe I was ready to take a step forward and try to at least have a last good year before I graduate and move. Looking back I see how foolish that really was of me. I put Spencer in probably the most awkward situation ever. I look at my sidekick where I see the conversation I had had with Spencer about 45 minutes ago..

Ashley hey look i know you wanna help me out but i just wanna be alone right now. i'll call you later just go home. don't be mad. xoxo

Spencer what r u sure? I'm downstairs still with Kyla. everyone else left. come down?

Ashley No its fine.. i just wanna lay down. thank you tho.. see you l8r

Spencer okay i guess. call me later then? i'll wait 4 ur call. be safe

I had stopped answering after Spencer's last message. I know she was worried and I guess i see now that she cares, but I just don't know what to do about anything. Up and pacing I stopped in front of my mirror. I looked like shit. My eyes had dark circles around them accompanying the puffiness from my crying. The (hardly able to call it clothes) wife beater I was wearing a few blood stains from when I cut. The view honestly just made me feel like a wreck. Here I was crying, doing white, and cutting myself. I'll never get better.

I put on a pair of boy shorts, grabbed my packed bong and my pack of cigarettes after snorting the last line, and headed out my bedroom door. I decided I needed to smoke to weed and chill out, because as much as I'm hating on myself right now I still feel my coke rush. Life just is. I feel in control. I feel like I call the shots in what I do. Coke addiction is a real strange thing, because its so bittersweet. It is the best and worst drug in the universe. The devil in disguise. When I hit the white girl I feel my life come back to me. I get that happy rush, the smile, the jitters. I'm confident and although I know its not real, I like myself. But as soon as the rush dies down you just want it all over again. The next line is such a perfect feeling because you felt like you needed it. Each line brings you back to where you want to be. After a long night of doing white I find that I wake up the next day feeling like complete shit. My nose is stuffy. My head hurts. My stomachs a wreck and I can't eat unless I smoke weed. I find myself telling saying I'll never do coke again, telling myself how dumb I was. By the end of that day I usually always end up wired all over again. I never have had a withdrawal symptom that was physical, like sweating and/or vomiting. My withdrawal symptoms are just pure want. I want that feeling again. I want to feel good again. So I do, and the same process starts all over again.

flashback:

Everyone is seated at the long, wooden table in our dining room. My mother and her beau on one side, my dad and his new hand-model girlfriend on the other, and Spencer, Kyla and I seated at the head. The maids were bringing out entrees and cocktails, and clearly my dad had clearly had too much to drink. So far in this dinner my parents have managed to embarrass me, anger me, and honestly just make me want to disappear. Spencer had been forced to sit in the midst of Davies warfare and I felt guilty for putting her in such a position. He starts rumbling about something or another, distasteful of what my mother had been commenting on.

"Raife when are you going to get serious?" "How do you think you're going to support these girls much longer if you blow all your fortune on drugs!"

"Stop nagging me. Who the fuck do you think you are? You know I love those girls and have a fund set up for them, so why do you care what I do with my life."

"Oh and that makes it better for the girls huh?"

At this point i see that both the significant others stand up, "I think we're going to be stepping outside. Come and get us when you're ready", said the model.

"No, oh we're sorry." Christine spurt out trying to seem like she cared.

"No, don't worry, we just want to go a smoke cigarette. We'll be right back" They walked out without even waiting for my mom to answer.

"Oh great Raife, real nice. You scare our guests away hardly an hour into the evening." She usually blames him for everything.

"So this is my fault? Oh stop being such a stuck up bitch, Christine." My mothers face started to turn a little red. I had had enough of this shit. Spencer was seated inches from me with this face of pure shock.

"Mom, dad. Seriously? Can we not do this here? It's so fucking embarrassing!" I was yelling, "When are you going to start at least trying to make shit easy around here. God I swear, all you do is prove to me how fucked up this family is. Can you at least try and be nice for once?"

My mom spoke up first, and I guess this is kind of what made me wish I had never ever stepped foot in this dining room tonight, "Shut up Ashley. You're just like this piece of shit right here, and you know it. What the fuck do you think a mother is supposed to do when she's constantly finding new girls in her daughters bed, or finding said daughter half dead. Better yet, the drugs. Don't even mention the drugs. You're a fucking piece of shit. Sometimes I wish you would have cut a little deeper that night. You think you're better than this family? Well you aren't, fucking coke head."

I don't know if it was the gasp that came from Kyla's mouth of the intensity of my father's scream that got me to finally sense realization. My face turned white and I felt the pressure behind my eyes telling me the tears were forming. My dad began screaming at my mother, the usual HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT crap. I love him for defending me but right now there's nothing. I looked down to see Spencer staring at a piece of cheese on her plate, clearly trying to avoid the situation at hand.

"I think I'm going to be excused. Um, thanks for dinner. Good night." I practically whispered amongst the screams flying in room. With that I walked towards my bedroom. The tears were welling up in my eyes. I know I hate her but it still hurt so much.

That leads us to here now. It was a 10 second comment that destroyed my evening. I pass by Kyla's door seeing the light on from her television. It was about 9:30 at this point and I slid by quietly going towards the back door.

Spencer's POV:

"Hey did you hear that?" I asked Kyla.

I was staying here the night even though Ashley told me to leave for two reasons. Firstly, Kyla said she didn't want to be alone, and I was worried about Ashley. I know she said she'd be fine but I need to make sure. I'm scared of what she might do.

"Hear what? All I hear is the TV girl, you're crazy"

"No it sounded like the door opening and closing. I think from downstairs. Should we go see who it is?" I had been listening intently to hear any sort of sound from Ashley's room.

"Um if you want? I guess maybe Ashley went out back or something." She replied with a turned head, "Hey Spence, I just want you to know, I get why you stayed and it means a lot that you care for her so much. She needs that you know?"

I smiled, "It's not a big deal at all you know that. I just feel like she needs a friend to be there for her."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. But, well, if you don't mind me asking, are you and Ashley just friends? Cos I mean I get some tension from you two all the time. It just seems like it would be right, if you don't mind my saying so."

Hearing Kyla say that really made me smile. It felt good that she would see me a good fit for her sister. "I guess I don't really know yet, but I should try and find out huh?" I headed for the door, "I'm going to check on her, see if that was her who went outside."

"Alrighty, I'll be waiting!" Kyla said with a knowing smile.

Walking down the stairs I see the red shine of fire from outside the glass doors.

"Hey Ash.." I said nervously, not wanting to make her upset. She sat there smoking a cigarette, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, shaking her leg awfully fast, "You must be cold it's really chilly outside tonight."

"Oh, Hi. What are you still doing here I thought you went home." She said before mechanically before sniffing. I guess maybe she had been crying.

"Well Kyla didn't want to be alone and well, honestly, I wanted to make sure you were fine." I sat against the wall next to her, putting my head against the concrete.

"Spencer, I don't need somebody to make sure I'm not trying to kill myself again. Which by the way, there's that new information for you. Yeah I'm a fucking crazy who slit her wrists and lived to tell about it, unfortunately. Now you know the story behind the drug addict."

"Ashley you aren't a drug addict don't say that" I guess it seemed funny I would try to say that as she has a big bong next to her head. I felt wrong to assume she was on some other sort of drug though, she just wasn't acting right, "Besides I'm not here to make sure you don't kill yourself. I'm here because I want to be there for you. I know you think nobody cares but I do and I know Kyla does also."

"Like you even know shit about me." Her voice was cold, harsh. I'd never even seen her eyes that dark before, "I don't need your pity attention and shit. I'm fine on my own. I was fine before you showed up I'll be fine once you're gone."

I sat there trying to understand what she was trying to tell me. I didn't know if she was just pushing me away or if she honestly didn't want me around. "Ash..." came from my mouth as I tried to grab her hand.

" Ow! Fuck Spencer!" She screamed jerking the wrist I had touched away. She stood up and threw her cigarette in the grass, "If I wanted you to care about me and help me I would have asked alright? So mind your fucking business." She grabbed her bong and walked inside, slamming the door behind her. I was genuinely awestruck. I felt myself break inside a little bit which I know was so stupid. I've found myself wanting to know everything about her, wanting to save her, but if she doesn't want me to how can I? I felt defeated.