(Before you read this chapter, search and watch "Nina Conti" on the "2002 The Floor Show" on Youtube. First of all it is a riot, and second I got the inspiration for the main skit in this chapter from her hilarious act with Monkey. She is Funny!)
Chapter Five: Sock Puppets?!
Cameron left quickly, obviously the poor girl wanted to avoid House. Dr. Lisa Cuddy gave herself the luxury of sitting back for a few minutes, remembering and thinking.
Wilson ran into Cuddy's office, out of breath and with that curious mixture of apprehension and hilarity that someone has when they're not sure if you're going to laugh, or go postal.
"House is running a DDX on his new patient with sock puppets!"
Cuddy stood outside the Diagnostic's Lounge. The sight that greeted her was...strange, even for Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, strange even for House. He had his back to them, facing the infamous "White Board". It was actually the eleventh one House had requisitioned since he started working at PPTH...the first one House had put his fist through during a particularly trying case, the second kept collapsing when he leaned on it, the third...and so forth. The last one was transparent, and House had complained it was hard to read. Cuddy, inexpressibly annoyed at the barrage of complaints, had House order it himself through the hospital's supply company. It had survived being tipped to the ground by House's cane, when they had that child with Erdheim-Chester. The sturdy and heavy base easily withstood House leaning on it, both physically and metaphorically. He sometimes stared at it, as if it was some sort of oracle, capable of piercing the veil of mystery that surrounded his patients for its grumpy master, if he only stared at it long enough with his shattering blue eyes. Currently, it held the symptoms of his latest patient, a seventeenth month old baby. And facing it was Dr. Gregory House, one of the most brilliant minds in medicine, and unquestionably a genius in his field. Of course, some geniuses are...eccentric. But not even House had ever been this...strange...
Lying forlornly on the desk is a brown sock, with a grouchy face drawn on it. Apparently, House had become bored playing with the Foreman sock puppet. At this moment, House had socks covering his left and right hands. Both of them had faces drawn in by magic marker, both with green eyes. One had a bunch of long, floppy yellow yarn glued to the top, the other brown yarn, with long bangs. That sock even had a vest, cut out of some brown fabric and expertly sewn together.(After all, House is a doctor, and as Cuddy knew, an expert surgeon.) House had pitched his voice to falsetto...
"But House, what about the skin rash?"
"Blimey Cammy, who cares about the baby? Let's have some nookie!" This time, House had pitched his voice to an annoying Aussie accent.
"Oh, Chase, I don't want to have mindless sex with you anymore. I can't stand Wombat cooties, and your breath stinks!"
"But Cameron, I wuv you! I promise to get de-loused, and I'll stop eating vegemite!"
"No! I can't stand your floppy hair, and you spend more time on it than I do on mine! I'm leaving!" The vest wearing sock tried to leave, but the floppy haired blond sock held on to her...finally the Cameron sock puppet pulled away.
"Wombat! Don't be so clingy and Wilson-like! Just stab her, bury her in the back yard, and tell the neighbors she's stripping in Atlantic City." House said this in his normal voice. He pulled off the Cameron sock puppet, and glared at the Chase puppet.
"But who will I christen storage closets with? Who will I have sex with while searching patient's homes? Who will I have sex with while searching my boss's home?" said House in a squeeky voice, and moving the mouth of the sock with long, floppy yellow yarn. (How had House known? He's House, he knows things. Or makes them up...) There's a look of disbelief on Cuddy's face, and a thoughtful one on Wilson's as he remembers that both Chase and Cameron had mussed clothing when they had come back from Fran's place...
"Chase, you're such a sex-crazed Wombat! Hmmm...I think I'll have Mr. Flibble punish you, because you've been naughty!" House holds up a hand puppet shaped like a penguin with red beady eyes, and wearing a yellow bow tie with orange polka dots. Since neither Cuddy nor Wilson are fans of "Red Dwarf" they have NO idea that House isn't making this stuff up on his own...
"So, Mr. Flibble what do we do with naughty Wombats?" House moves the Mr. Flibble hand puppet close to his ear, and the penguin's mouth moves as if it was whispering something to House...
"Oh NO! Mr. Flibble, we can't possibly do that! Who will clean up the mess? Oh yes, the nurses, right...Chase, Mr. Flibble is going to zap you with his Hex Vision!" House pretends that the Mr. Flibble puppet is zapping the Chase puppet, complete with shaking the arm so it looks like Chase is being hit with some cheap, 90's low budget BBC television special effects...
House now removes both puppets and puts on a Wombat shaped hand puppet...(thank goodness for E-Bay)
"Gah!! House, what did you do to me?! You've turned me into a Wombat! But I have to admit, I feel so liberated, so free to be my true self, wandering around the wilderness...just frolicking among the wildflowers stark naked, reveling in my marsupial-ness! Oh yeah, I still want some nookie!"
"Gah! Even as a Wombat Chase is still as sex-crazed as ever! Oh wait, that's not a surprise. D'uh! I know...I know, Chase, how you can get some nookie." at this point, House pulls out a lighter, and flicks it on.
"Chase, a thousand years ago, this magic flame was found at the bottom of the ocean."
"Its a cheap lighter, House."
"If it was a cheap lighter, you'd be able to blow out the flame."
The Wombat puppet tries to blow out the flame, with House flapping his thumb and four fingers to make it look like Chase is trying to blow out the flame. Both Cuddy and Wilson, still silently observing House through the glass find it hysterical. (And disturbing.)
"Ok, its magic, get on with it, House."
House moves the magic flame around, and the Wombat puppet is mesmerized. "Now keep your eye on the flame, and listen only to the sound of my voice." At this point, Wilson yawns, causing Cuddy to give him the "Loser" sign on her forehead with her thumb and forefinger. Wilson was so...suggestible at times. Geeze!
"House, you sound like a cheap two-bit Vegas hypnosis act."
"Chase, you resist, but the magic flame likes resistance."
"Ok, you're now in the first level of trance, Wombat. What is your name?"
"Stud-ly Wombat." Wilson and Cuddy desperately cover their mouths to keep from giggling.
"All right, Wombat..."
"Call me Stud-ly."
"No, Wombat. We need to do the trick with the Red Mug."
"But I hate the Red Mug."
"No, you love the Red Mug."
"I love the Red Mug."
"And when I tell you to do the trick with the Red Mug, Wombat, I want you to get right into the Red Mug."
"I'm going to get right into the Red Mug."
"Good. Now when I click my finger you're going to wake up feeling refreshed and happy."
"Click."
"I feel refreshed and happy."
"Good. Now Chase, you're going to do the trick with the Red Mug."
House pulls out his infamous Red Mug, and puts it on the table.
"Oh my god."
"What is it, Wombat?"
"It's gorgeous. I'm going to get right into it...
During the performance, as Chase did the nasty with the Red Mug, disgust warred with hilarity in Cuddy and Wilson's faces. House was so...unpredictable.
"Take that you little b1tch!" said the Chase as he...humped the Red Mug.
"Do you have any idea how disgusting that looks, Wombat?"
"Not as bad as the fisting from behind, House!" Cuddy immediately covered her mouth with both hands to suppress her snort. Unfortunately, Wilson couldn't restrain his gasp of laughter, but House ignored it, while making the Chase sock puppet continue his...amorous assault on his Red Mug.
"Yes! Yes! Oooo!" At this point both Wilson and Cuddy were holding their sides tightly to keep from laughing.
"I've lost all respect for the Red Mug, House."
At this point House throws the Red Mug into the trash. Cuddy and Wilson could clearly hear it shatter.
"Ewww...you've defiled my Red Mug, Chase. I don't want it any more. Ick!"
Not even Wilson knew that Cameron had bought the Red Mug for him. A few weeks after Foreman had been hired, House had accidentally drank out of Chase's mug, since at the time, the department had only those hospital issue dark brown ones. He had spewed the brew out of his mouth, managing to cover Chase's hair and face with coffee (and his spit) and stumped away. Cameron had gone to the Pottery Barn after work, and bought the Red Mug for him. House had merely grunted the next day when she had served him his coffee, with half a creme and two sugars, in the new cup. Cameron had given House a tiny half smile, and from hence forth, he would only drink from the container she had bought him. In fact, even in conversation, you could hear the capitals whenever House referred to his "Red Mug". But Cameron had left. She would never again prepare his coffee, and bring it over to him. Truth be told, Cameron did make lousy coffee. But House always drank it because she made it, and made it for him. So House tossed the Red Mug, and when it shattered, it was like...admitting she was finally gone.
Cuddy had had enough. "HOUSE!!" House finally turned around, with his back to his whiteboard, and pretended to be surprised to be seeing both Cuddy and Wilson looking in.
"I think you broke a hundred decibels in that one, Cuddy. Didn't she, Mr. Flibble?" House had put back Mr. Flibble on his right hand. He was so glad he had found the "Red Dwarf" merchandise store on the internet. "Quarantine" in season five was probably his favorite episode, along with the one where Rimmer sang the "Arnold Rimmer" song. He had always identified a bit with Rimmer, except he was too cool to be a total git, and much, much smarter. But Rimmer's complete inability to understand and get along with people, that he could relate to. He had been alienating people since he was in single digits. Only one person had ever understood him, only one person had ever truly cared. And of course, House had killed her. Of course Cameron had left him, he didn't deserve her. He never did. He was such a coward. He had let her go, without a fight, without a single word. If she stayed, someday, she might let him in. She might let him inside, allow him to love her. And when she left, he would be broken past bearing, past mending. It was better that she was gone.
"What about your patient!"
"Ritter disease, Cuddy. Pathology is running tests, and I've already started her on antibiotics."
"Oh. So this whole thing with...the sock puppets?"
"Dr. Cuddy, please don't refer to my new staff as sock puppets. That's so...cold! Isn't it cold, Mr. Flibble?"
"Gah!! Now that you've solved your latest case, get down to the Clinic!"
"Come on, Mr. Flibble, we have to wipe snot-filled noses and treat idiots who got crotch rot."
"And don't you DARE see patients with that hand puppet!" House had started to limp away, and when Cuddy had run up to grab it off his left hand, House taking advantage of his six feet three inches, held Mr. Flibble too high for Cuddy to grab. Wilson looked in disbelief as the distinguished Dean of Medicine jumped up into the air, trying to tear off House's new toy from his left hand.
"Geeze, those two...sometimes, they're just unbelievable." Cuddy and House...sometimes it was like watching two kids playing in a sandbox.
TBC...