CHAPTER 3 :
CELLPHONE THROWING WORLD CUP
Marge, as a house woman, announces to her family that she would apply at China Eastern to drive the school bus. Homer is surprised, even somewhat shocked, Bart furiously objects, stating it will be no fun taking the school bus with his mother, and finally, Lisa says that the ride will be much safer with her mother to drive the bus than it is with Otto. Anyway, she goes to the room the Chinese duet has in the Moeview Motel and she gets an interview with Guan as soon as she shows him the driving license she has.
"How's your driving record", Guan asked. Marge takes it seriously, because it may be the only thing that stands between her and a new job, and she states that she has a clean-sheet driving record. That clean-sheet record makes Guan tell her, "Let me be the first to wish you coung hey fa choy" But Marge didn't understand anything; at these words, she laughed with Guan himself, "It's Chinese for happy new work." And she comes back at home, happy about the news and offering a family ride in the school bus tomorrow morning.
The next day, Otto wakes up with heavy metal music in his alarm of the Moeview Motel, and Wang grabs him, stating that he has work to do. With his suitcases, he borrows one to Otto so he can put his personal items in the second suitcase. He has so little luggage that Wang's suitcase is better off with Guan instead. For this reason, all of his baggage goes in Wang's made in China, dirt-cheap suitcase.
Marge, at her home, calls out everyone, "The time for the last bus ride of Otto in America has come!" Bart and Lisa are quite sad to hear this; they loved their bus driver, but for completely different reasons: Bart because Otto's reckless driving can make one miss school and Lisa because he is the one who can carry her to school. For this reason, they wear their formal suits. They get to be seated apart, unlike in the school year, in an effort to spare the problems caused by the proximity of one another. When the bus rolls to a stop near the Moeview Motel, Marge plays the national anthems of both China and the United States in the bus' CD player, just so she can honor the relationships between both countries. Of course, the American national anthem is played first.
Bart, with a sad tone and crying, speaks to Otto, "You've been a friend to me. Don't let me down! Do you think you can earn your place in the Olympics?" He flashes the former bus driver a picture of him so Otto can think about him between throws. Therefore, more than getting a place in the Olympic team or an eventual medal, who would make him go off the homeless records. "This bus means a lot to me, Bart. The picture you gave me was a photo of you getting out of the bus. And also, this bus is my life!"
Otto seats in the bus before Wang and his suitcase. He shows Bart, who is seated on the left-hand seat, the cell phone he threw out of the bus along with the cell phone he will be throwing in a few days, in the World Cup and, eventually, the Olympic Games. "Too cool!" Bart said. "And what if you became the Olympic champion, would you allow us to visit your new home?" Otto answers that it's true that he'll win a house should he win an Olympic medal but he wouldn't know where that new home be.
As the duet arrives at Springfield International (about the same size as Penang Bayan Lepas International Airport: eleven parking slots and a single runway with a single terminal built exactly like its Malaysian counterpart; in short, it's a Penang Intl turned 70 degrees clockwise as its runway is numbered 11/29 unlike Penang's 4/22) Wang realizes that he is subject to the same baggage restrictions as normal economy-class passengers, even as he works for China Eastern. "25 of airport improvement fees on each piece of checked-in baggage! This airport sure is greedy!", he screams. To this end, he showed his China Eastern staff card to the baggage desk attendant (because China Eastern is divided in two: an airline component and a bus component) and he asks "Can I pass this checked-in baggage free because I work for China Eastern Airlines?" The white-gloved baggage desk attendant says that only airline and airport staff can check in baggage for free, so the duet could pass without further incident, as Otto has a passport in good standing.
Otto passes through the staff security line, which is not as tedious as that of standard passengers but still involves a manual search of dangerous items. "Dude, you're smothering me!", Otto complained. The customs agent then hastens his search without finding anything suspicious. "Move along", he said. And neither one has any liquids or metallic implements deemed dangerous; their cell phones, both the IAAF-certified one and the field phone, are stowed in the checked-in baggage being loaded on their flight.
The athlete suggests purchasing a case of beer in the duty-free area past the security zone. Wang accepts to take it on his own account because Otto realizes that he cannot drink Duff until the Olympic Games end. The cashier tells the coach, "It's five-four-niner-zero". "54.90! Is that the cost of purchasing our locally-made beer and bring it overseas?", Wang asks. The cashier explains that the 54.90 includes 12.14 of fuel surcharge and 25 of airport improvement fees. Or they could get 37.14 off but they have to drink the whole thing within the airport walls (for the case of Duff is one of the rare things that remained at US17.76 after Libertyville reverted to Springfield). Carrying this as checked-in baggage would make him use up his second baggage slot and a Styrofoam case because it's fragile baggage. Luckily, such equipment is free for China Eastern staff regardless of passenger service classes.
Wang, once onboard, tells Otto to get into the cockpit and look at the first chart for the frequencies in use. Granted, China Eastern Airlines is not at all like Crazy Clown Airlines, but one thing in common is that they both operate Airbus Industrie A340-600s. He has a left-handed joystick instead of his usual driving wheel and he also figures out where are the flap levers, brakes and throttle are, and most importantly, the autopilot master button.
"Good day, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. My name is Otto Mann and, since we're such party animals, we have no need for safety announcements", Otto says over PA. As he is lost in the controls of the aircraft, not unlike Homer when he tried to pilot an A340-600 to Chicago when drunk, he does not realize that he has both hands on the push-to-talk buttons. Therefore, all passengers can hear the ATC chatter as Otto reads what's on the chart, "Springfield Clearance Delivery, China Eastern 6050 requesting IFR clearance to Shanghai Pudong." Because the chart was a transcript of what he had to do when he starts the flight.
"Ch-China E-E-Eastern (sneezing) 6050, cleared to (sneezing) Shang (sneezing) Shanghai Pudong (sneezing) via the-the (sneezing) JAKSN5 de (sneezing) departure, (sneezing) then as filed, depart runway (sneezing) runway 29, climb and (sneezing) and maintain (sneezing) seven thousand (sneezing) thousand feet, squawk (sneezing) 1776" the controller, all alone in his tower, says. Reading back the IFR clearance, Otto says this with the hands still on the VHF radio's PTT button, "Cleared to Shanghai Pudong via the JAKSN5 departure, then as filed, depart runway 29, climb and maintain 7,000, squawk 1776, China Eastern 6050"
The tired, sick controller tells him on the radio, "China Eastern (sneezing) 6050, read (sneezing) readback is (sneezing) correct, switch to (sneezing) UNICOM on (sneezing) 122.80" Otto's answer is heard in both the control tower and the aircraft's cabin: "UNICOM on 122.80, China Eastern 6050"
As a result, anger grows in the cabin and the reactions become increasingly aggressive, such as "The FAA has forgotten Springfield International for too long!", "China Eastern needs to train their pilots better", "Down with the FAA", "While the Springfield Airport Authority was busy renovating the airport, they forgot the ATC!" and "The wretched Republican government left our airport with only UNICOM!" To silence them, Otto performs a powerback as he thinks that fully jamming the throttle backward will put the aircraft in position to reverse and the angry mob loses balance. As he begins taxiing, he puts in about half power and makes sharp turns at about 40 knots. "China Eastern, the airline of heavy, hot thrills! We're in for a wild ride!" Otto says over PA to the angry passengers while under UNICOM.
To avoid a possible collision with an aircraft that is poised to land, he kicks in the "Take Off/Go-Around" thrust mode. The compressed passengers don't feel anything, since the aircraft is laden with fuel, passengers and cargo, the aircraft's acceleration is not enough to have significant effects on anyone. As his aircraft gains speed, Otto realizes that the overspeed alarm is about to set off, and he raises the landing gear. No result, as it just increases the acceleration. To avoid the dreaded 250 KIAS speed limit under 10,000 ft, he makes his aircraft pitch up like crazy. And passengers begin to feel uncomfortable even if Otto's "wild ride" continues. As he sets out for the Flex detent on the throttle, the aircraft slows down, forcing him to pitch down very quickly and some passengers break their teeth in the process.
Even more dangerous are the stunts he executes, like a barrel roll, and, more importantly, an Immelmann. The latter figure was long thought to be impossible to perform on such a large jetliner, much less with the fuel necessary to fly a flight longer than 6,000 nautical miles, but Otto's incredible aerobatic capability allowed him to pull it off, even with a "full" load of passengers and cargo. As he grew tired of these stunts, Otto finally commits himself to activating the autopilot, and so he could fly smoothly for 14 hours from KSPD (the ICAO code of Springfield International Airport) to Shanghai Pudong, filed as ZSPD on the flight plan, of which Otto has a copy.
Once arrived, it was another bag of beans: Wang insisted him that Otto tries a bizarre contraption called an insurance vending machine. "Ni hao", the machine said as he enters his U.S. quarters, who surprisingly fit in the socket of the device. "Crazy Chinese! How am I supposed to answer such a thing!" Otto screams, in front of the device. He soon realized that he could deposit ten quarters into the machine and he could then push the button to print his insurance policy, issued by China Pacific Insurance.
"China Pacific is known as the no-frills insurance company of China", Wang tells him. The insurance policy is indeed very cheap; US 2.50 is the premium for the entire trip. However, its protection is very limited: for US 2.50, one can US 75,000 worth of protection for just about anything while other insurance companies, like Belair Direct, can pay up to US 2 million of medical fees, but the premium of such policies are about 10 times the premium charged by China Pacific in their insurance vending machines or more. "To remain cool during your stay in China, you should get the insurance"
Otto signs his name at the bottom of the blank insurance form and Wang also gets one. Once the baggage claim has been made, they look for a China Eastern-operated bus. Shanghai Pudong is home to the main China Eastern hub, as an airline, and also home to a bus terminal for several Shanghai-based bus companies, including China Eastern. They leased a few NovaBus Hybrids as demonstrators because China Eastern wants to replace its old bus fleet by hybrid buses.
Otto's service for today links the Shanghai Pudong airport to the Shanghai Sports Palace, where the Chinese event of the World Cup of Cell Phone Throwing is held. As he steps into the bus' driver seat, he instantly recognizes the controls of his old bus, except that the floor is lower, about 25 cm off the ground. And, as such, he drives like a normal US road demon, except that this bus has a speed limiter set to 70 miles per hour (112 KPH), as it is built in Canada. Therefore, he drives the thing at about 90-100 kilometers per hour in the crowded Shanghai streets, full of unconscious drivers, with the bus' radio playing loud heavy metal music. They got to their destination in less time than they needed to complain about the bad driving and, as such, Otto got his cell phone and his athletic suit ready.
The spectators went away from the bus to get to their tickets in the ticket booth. There was another athlete who was onboard both the aircraft Otto piloted and the bus he drove. Said athlete went to the reckless driver/pilot and reassured him, "I think you're actually a very special driver." Otto asked her what her name was, and her answer came, "I'm Janick, from Canada. I know that your country may have some hate for us Canadians, but I learned not to mix sporting and politics"
State Comptroller Atkins, on vacation in China, see both people in the bus. "Otto? Canada?", he thought. And so he tells them, "It's true that I am from Canada, after all. Otto, how did you know?" Otto stated that it was an old memory dating from years ago, and also, "I am under a detox cure so I can try to compete in the Olympics." The story of the thrown cell phone having made its way to Capital City and the Comptroller's Office, Otto discovers that the Comptroller actually encouraged him to compete. "Otto, make your city proud!", he exclaimed.
The organizers give Otto a number: he is #66 to the eyes of the public. In the locker room, he sees Janick doing something uncanny to him and, even with her headset on, Otto can still hear her heavy metal music. "Janick, whatever you're doing is not cool at all", the bus driver says. "I'm doing definite integrals!", Janick replies. "You sure are a brainy girl who can appreciate the most intense music there is! What I don't understand is why I should spin my way to a throw" Otto says, using his sad tone. "At least, I'm not like Ms. Sae Carneira over there, who doesn't know a thing of the physics of cell phone throwing; the reason for the spin is that spinning helps the cell phone gain momentum and gyroscopic stability. Enough small talk and get going; the crowd is waiting for you."
Otto gets his cell phone ready. "This is for Bart", he thought. Then, he steps out on the stadium with some makeshift markers made out of police tapes installed, for the home plate is the place where the throwers, well, throw their cell phones from. Otto, at his first throw in international competition, lofts his telephone at 71.19 meters, after spinning four full turns before releasing his cell phone.
He gets back to the locker room, with Janick waiting. "Poison is my favourite group", she says. "You're more handsome when your force momentum is higher." And Otto replies by asking, "Are you on crystal meth?"
Troubled by what Janick said, Otto does not find the energy necessary to throw cell phones further than 71.19 meters, but this is still good enough to put him in hopes to get in the top 8. Once all the throws have been done, someone announced over PA some breaking news: the cell phone throwers from Lawrence University has been found guilty of doping. Therefore Andy Kincaid, previously 4th, has been disqualified. The top female cell phone thrower of the United States, Chelsea Fickbohm, is also disqualified and banned from international competition for two years, as her teammate, thus any and all chances to see the US earn any medal in cell phone throwing lies on Otto's shoulders. "It's up to me, even if I'm in the Olympics anyway"
In the top 8 round, as there is no Chinese competitor, the crowd calls out, "Otto! Otto!" when he is to throw the cell phone for the fourth time. The stadium, filled with Metallica music, eagerly awaits Otto's throw. As he releases his cell phone, the implement reaches out the middle field and he establishes a "Personal Best" of 78.46 meters, good enough to take the fourth place, one centimetre shy of the previous 4th place.
"Otto, from now on, you're the premier cell phone thrower in the United States for the Olympic Games in Beijing, so as long as you don't take drugs, you will earn it", Wang tells Otto. "Perhaps it is a cool, but short-lived sporting career I'm living; better enjoy it when I can", Otto thought. At the same time, there is someone screaming at the other end of the locker room. (The only place where men and women are separated, in the Shanghai Sports Palace, are in the actual cabins where people put on/off their clothes for competition) "What happened, black magician?", Otto asked her. "You seem to know my… nickname; if I was you, I would steer clear of the Vietnamese black woman. She is slated to win the top honors in Beijing in the next few weeks. However, she has an habit of throwing her cell phone on people that she does not quite like", the black cell phone thrower explains. A perplexed Otto says, "OK, where does that place me? What country do you represent? Maybe I can see you on TV live from the Bird's Nest!"
The answer to this is: "I am Marianne Kwyjibo, a cell phone thrower competing for Zambia. Bart Simpson was the centrepiece of the nightmare I just had. He seemed to call out to me lately" Still confused, Otto just goes out to the home plate of the stadium and, as such, throws the cell phone between his PB and his first throw of the day, at 76.60 meters.
His last throw was ruled to be a foul but no one got over his 4th place, lodging a throw that was a couple of meters off from the national record of 85.99 meters, established by Andy Kincaid in 2007. However, the IAAF-recognized world record is held by Chris Hughff of the United Kingdom, at 95.83 meters and that man won the Shanghai cell phone throwing World Cup event, behind Tommi Huotari and Mikko Lampi, both Finns and the latter being the previous world-record holder at 94.97 meters, established in 2005.