CHAPTER 6 :
A TROUBLING REVELATION
Beijing, two days after the opening ceremony. Otto finally gets to uphold the promise he made to Marianne Kwyjibo XI, the Zambian cellphone throwing sensation. The moment of truth is here: he is about to go to a cyber café near the Water Cube, the venue for all Olympic diving and synchronized swimming events along with most swimming events. Marianne herself gets into the cybercafé only to realize that some websites are deadlocked and only basic chatroom functionality was available.
Meanwhile, Springfield-side, Bart Simpson earns the privilege to use the school's computer lab (which only has one computer purchased with a fraction of a grant from the provincial Government of Alberta in Canada worth US1,000) after 22 o'clock, Springfield time (with DST in effect, it's Z-5). He takes full advantage of that privilege to go to this unique and bizarre event so he could talk to Otto, currently in Beijing.
When Lisa had its A+ grade, the school obtained a basic assistance grant, much to her guilt-ridden conscience. At this moment, the fake Comptroller, really Otto, actually handed out the Canadian component of the grant to Principal Skinner, the first US1,000, while the real Comptroller handed out the second US1,000.
"Otto! Did China Eastern allow you to train however you wish?" Bart writes. Otto replies, "Bart, all I can say is that China Eastern allow me to use all the best music in the world when I'm training. There is someone in the room who wanted to speak with you, though."
At this moment, in the Beijing cybercafé, Marianne takes the keyboard and begins conversing with Bart… in French. "Bonjour, Bart Simpson. Je m'appelle Marianne Kwyjibo, onzième du nom. J'ai plusieurs choses à te dire. En premier lieu, on croit que tu as inventé le terme kwyjibo pour désigner «un grand singe chauve et stupide d'Amérique du Nord sans menton» mais c'est en réalité un virus d'Afrique méridionale qui rend ses victimes chauves comme stupides, nommé d'après ma famille, qui l'a découvert" (Hello, Bart Simpson. My name is Marianne Kwyjibo XI. I have several things to tell you. First, we believe that you coined the term kwyjibo to designate «a big, bald, stupid and chinless North American ape» but it is actually a Southern Africa virus who make its victims bald and stupid as well, named after my family, who discovered it)
"Nom de Dieu! Je n'aurais jamais douté qu'il y aurait une vraie famille Kwyjibo qui existerait quelque part dans ce monde! Mais pourquoi es-tu avec Otto? Si tu es une athlète, alors quel pays représentes-tu?" (I never suspected that an actual Kwyjibo family would exist in this world! But why are you with Otto? If you're an athlete, what country do you compete for?) Bart replies, quite surprised that she would speak French rather than English with him.
In French, "Otto m'apparaissait comme la seule personne qui puisse m'aider à te rejoindre, Bart. Et oui, je suis une athlète, une lanceuse de cellulaire comme cet Otto. Mais je sais combien c'est plate pour toi, petit verrat états-unien, de ne pas voir de lanceuse de cellulaire états-unienne en état de gagner une médaille aux Jeux olympiques. Voici ce que je veux : en tant qu'athlète de la Zambie, je veux que tu paries que la seule médaille de la Zambie à ces J.O., peu importe la couleur, soit gagnée par moi. Et que tu partages d'éventuels gains moitié-moitié avec moi." (Otto appeared to me as the only person that could help me contact you, Bart. And yes, I'm an athlete, a cell phone thrower like this Otto of yours. But I know how disappointing it is for you, little American brat, not to see an American female cell phone thrower capable of earning an Olympic medal. Here is what I want: as a competitor for Zambia, I want you to bet that the only medal that Zambia earns in these Olympics, regardless of material, is won by me. And that you to share your eventual gains 50-50 with me) she wrote.
"Eat my shorts", Bart concludes. Marianne is confused at this statement and she does not quite understand what "eat my shorts" mean. By this time, though, she reverts to English and she continues her chat session with Bart, "You are chosen. You are at the core of our prophecy."
He shuts down the computer, angry at both Marianne and Otto. He is angry at Marianne because she didn't quite reveal what the prophecy is all about. And also at Otto because he seemed in such a hurry that he didn't take time for Bart. On his way back, Anita makes him run to their house, for she lives with the Simpsons, albeit temporarily. Bart checks the mail and open the "Top Secret" letter. "Too cool! Classified information!" he exclaims. As he reads the letter…
August 8th, 2008
Homer Jay Simpson,
742 Evergreen Terrace
Springfield, TK
CLASSIFIED
Dear Homer,
I am pleased to offer you the position of Chief Curator at the Museum of the Supreme Court of the United States in 224 East Capital Street NE, Washington, D.C. Your knowledge of the different Justices that, at one point, served in the Supreme Court and your relative political neutrality will help the Museum of the Supreme Court avoid being targeted by the upcoming presidential campaign. I propose that the terms of employment will be those in the attached draft individual employment agreement.
Please note that you are entitled to discuss this offer and to seek advice on the attached proposed agreement with your family, an union, a lawyer, or someone else you trust. If you want some information on your employment rights, you can also contact the Supreme Court Public Information Officer at (202) 512-1530, or website.
Also, if you disagree with, or do not understand or wish to clarify anything in this offer, please ring me to discuss any issue you wish to raise.
If you are happy with the proposed terms and wish to accept this offer of employment, please sign the duplicate copy of this letter and return it to me by September 11, 2008. In the event I have not heard from you by that date, this offer will be automatically withdrawn on that date.
I look forward to working with you.
Yours sincerely,
Rt. Hon. John Glover Roberts
Chief Justice of the United States
1 First Street NE, 20543
Washington, D.C.
I, Homer Jay Simpson, confirm that I have read the terms set out in the attached individual employment agreement, that I understand them and their applications and that I accept the offer of employment.
Signed by
Date
"My father, working for the Supreme Court? The Chief Justice must have been mad!" Bart thought. Anita tells him to put the letter back in its envelope and to hide it in Homer's room. Also, once Bart is away hiding the letter in his parents' chamber, Anita is found crying because something went awry in her sporting life.
"Bart, when you read the letter, I told you that I was trying to break Charlotte Boyle's world record in the PFDF 1st World Championships that are to be held in the South Harmon Institute of Technology Sporting Complex in ten days, about 20 nautical miles from here. The thing is, that Canadian prodigy ate all my chances to break the world record in these World Championships because her world record of 22.40 meters has been officially recognized as such" she tells Bart, crying on the floor.
To cheer her up, Bart has the idea of using the Potsdamerplatz Junk Gags tape that she keeps for every major competition. He introduces this in the VCR machine in the living room and relives the German-made gags, like the gag where the professor thinks the plasma TV is a blackboard. "Wunderbar!" the professor exclaims on TV. He uses a product to disinfect the TV and said product starts punching a hole in the plasma TV. "Kaput!" he screams when the German-made plasma TV literally vanishes in smoke.
The second gag involves something more advanced: Genevieve, a female gondola rower, rows her boat quite slowly with an old sage onboard. "I sense a great power in you. To set out and prove it, all I need you to do is to calculate the 17th power of pi divided by the twelfth root of 2, when still on this boat" he tells her. As she engages the fullest capabilities of her calculating brain, she suddenly starts rowing at a faster pace as her calculation speed increases. In the end, she had her rowboat crash into the curb near the Doge's Palace (Venice, Italy) when giving out the answer to the sage's ordeal while thrown out of the boat. "I can only give out like the integer portion of the challenge, and with 3 significant digits at that… she hits the ground It's the speed of light, expressed in meters per second!" she answered on TV. "Spoken like a true New Yorker!" Bart exclaims, because he noticed Genevieve's pin had the mention 201-NYC-05 on it.
Bart laughs with Genevieve's mental calculation feat: considering the time between the time at which the challenge is issued, she had about 30 seconds to do it. Because even the best mental calculator wouldn't be capable of multiplying seventeen increasingly big, irrational numbers that fast and get the correct answer with more than 5 significant digits. Actually, the video gag was shot with the intent of raising funds for the Boucherville Rowing Club, even if the pin comes from New York City.
And one could see a dozen gags before getting to the main thing, the gag Anita listens to before every competition. Bart, then at home, contacts Milhouse to catch up on his schoolwork during the PTA strike, "Milhouse, did you see the bath? The one named Anita." Moe, on his side, takes up the phone, "OK, when I call out your name, um, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath(e)?" Moe asked. The children laugh. "All right, settle down. Anita Bath(e) here?" Moe continued to ask, as the children laugh. "All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!" More laughter ensued but he says, "Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!" Moe runs out of the classroom crying.
Once the show is off the tape, Anita tells him a thing or two. "As the International House of Answering Machines sponsors the PFDF World Championships, the IHAM is pleased to announce that you, Bart Simpson, will be the in-house announcer for the entire duration of the PFDFWCs. China Eastern, as a secondary sponsor of the PFDFWCs, endowed US 2 x 106 to the South Harmon Institute of Technology, who, in turn, has named its second most coveted chair the China Eastern Aerospace Engineering Chair. Your employer has paid 4 million to sponsor the Plunge for Distance World Championships and it goes through the endowment of the SHIT, which is US 6 million as of today." But this is too much for Bart, with Anita telling him that "The top three rivals I must watch out for are Maya Buttreeks, Suriname's veteran distance diver, Amanda Huggenkiss, the top U.S. collegiate distance diver and also a SHIT student, and Julia Wilkinson, the Canadian university girl who just broke the world record in a Beijing short-course pool."
Later this morning, Homer wakes up with a letter under his pillow. "Classified?" Homer thought. He opens the letter, only to realize that the Supreme Court has finally answered his request, dating back from the time where the Itchy and Scratchy Movie was the cultural landmark of the year. Because Lisa secretly advised Homer that, if he wants his son to be appointed to the Supreme Court someday, he has to learn how even Associate Justices got to their appointments.
"The Right Honorable John Roberts? D'oh!" And the Supreme Court pays him a one-way trip to Washington D.C. His ticket is in the envelope; the note attached to the ticket states that Crazy Clown Airlines has upgraded the flight of today from and to Washington D.C. Dulles Intl to an Airbus A340-600 to clear the 3-day-long backlog of delays due in part to the nosegear fire of the usual Airbus A320 in a three-point landing. The bad news is, it's the very A340-600 he damaged by retracting the landing gears on the tarmac, since repaired to flying condition.
Once he is done reading the letter, Homer convokes the family. "Honey, I have to leave. An urgent affair of State has arisen and I must attend to it immediately. The reasons behind this are classified" he told his wife. "Dad, don't leave! We need you at home" Lisa shouted. "Accomplish your duty to our homeland, and return safe!" Bart wished Homer. "Don't cause damage to our government's propriety!" was Marge's wish. This time around, Marge prepares a large breakfast for the children, with Chinese dumplings, but run-of-the-mill bacon and pancakes.
"The time for Homer's last breakfast in Springfield has come!" Lisa stated in a ceremonious tone. Homer's special meal was a large plate of bacon, six pancakes and eight slices of bread. With the good cutlery and porcelain implements, of course. The children and Marge got the dumplings split three ways because Homer, out of patriotic reasons, refused to eat Chinese food. But, for family honor, he lets his wife drive the bus to the airport. And to have the national anthem played once out of the bus.
Unlike Otto before him, Homer purchased the case of Duff, still priced at 17.76, and opens two bottles at the same time, so much as to drink two beers at the same time. He manages to drink all 24 bottles before getting onboard the aircraft, in first class. Because the Chief Justice believes that the chief of its museum should be treated like any high-ranking staff attached to the Supreme Court, like Associate Justices.
"Mike Rotch has arrived from the airport!" Marge announced. "Your crotch? What crotch?" another passenger bound for the South Harmon Institute of Technology asked. As Bart soon discovered, Mike Rotch was the male star of collegiate plunge for distance, a sophomore at Swigmore University. All because he was awarded the right to be the home announcer during the PFD (Plunge for Distance) World Championships. Both Anita and Lisa told him to learn as much as possible about plunge for distance and, at least, try plunge for distance once before the show.
While the Swigmore University PFD Club paid their fares (17.76 for the roundtrip, per person, all paid at once even if they only do the first leg today) the other three passengers are moved to the foremost seats of the bus. "The estimated time to get to the South Harmon Institute of Technology is 1 hour. During this time, do not try to wave the flag of your college from outside the windows, and there will be only one stop" Marge announces, before setting out for the SHIT.
Meanwhile, at Moe's Tavern, some provisions are made: "I want to visit the South Harmon Institute of Technology for myself. I heard the last student of my former professor is participating in a plunge for distance competition." He then fakes his voice to sound like General Zelgius: "I'm needed elsewhere. Collette, keep them engaged until I return." Collette answers, with some hypocrisy in her voice (almost the same as General Levail's voice), "Yes, sir." Once he gets out of the tavern to ride the bus, Moe pays Marge 17.76 as well, but she gives it to Bart. "Moe, I bet 17.76 that Marianne Kwyjibo XI, Zambia's cell phone throwing sensation, will succeed in winning Zambia's only medal in these Olympic Games. Please, let me proceed with this wager! Pleease!" Bart begs to Moe. "Bart, I'll grant you the wager, but only if you wager on the Plunge for Distance World Championships." For that purpose, he chose to go all-in on Anita Bathe for the women's senior event.
At the main entrance gate of the campus, there is a sign that says, South Harmon Institute of Technology, home of the national plunge for distance training center. The Swigmore University PFD Club, colloquially called the Swigmore All Blacks, has arrived at the SHIT only to find a beat-up campus whose top two attractions are the Olympic-sized (long course) pool and the Medical Engineering Department, whose patients are all diagnosed with psychiatric troubles. They all get to meet the university president, who happens to be the president of the PFDF as well. As president of the All Blacks PFD Club (from Swigmore University), Mr. Rotch gets to meet with Mr. Bartleby Gaines first.
"I'm Mr. Bartleby Gaines, president of the South Harmon Institute of Technology and the Plunge for Distance Federation. I'm proud to stage the first Plunge For Distance World Championships in my university. As you know, plunge for distance is an ill-known sport and, to encourage the distance divers of tomorrow, we must offer the chance to those of today to get together. I offer you a slot to run in the upcoming vote to designate the VP of Development should you win." Mike continues, "I'd say that Ms. Wilkinson or Ms. Bathe would be better suited in that role and they should be offered a candidate slot in the event of a victory of either one in the women's senior event."
They do not suspect that Julia Wilkinson is not primarily known as a distance diver, but rather as an Olympic-level International Medley (IM) swimmer. And Amanda Huggenkiss is engaged to Mike, the former studying in the SHIT in electronic engineering, the latter studying in Swigmore University in sociology.
Also, while Anita goes out for training, Lisa invites Bart to read about plunge for distance history and the current state of the plunge for distance world, because he has a job to do when the PFD World Championships begin. For he is to do all the commenting in English on TV, a TV camera is installed in the press room and another one in the far side of the pool. He opens a book in a standard letter format; its formal quotation in bibliography is as follows:
UNG, Yvan and Genevieve FAVREAU. COOP Document #26100, The Complete Book of Plunge for Distance (paperback English edition). Longueuil, Edouard Montpetit College Cooperative Library, 2008, 61 p.
Yvan's name comes first because Genevieve did very little (but she actually did something.) Very little is known about plunge for distance, apart from the Olympic competition in the Summer Games of the III Olympiad in St. Louis, 1904, so the Canadian collegiate book is the most complete work so far about plunge for distance. He begins to read the thin-sized book, "Chapter 1, The Origins. Plunge for distance is about as ancient as swimming itself…" There are five chapters in this book: The Origins (up to 1900), Echoes of Daybreak (1900-1910), The Golden Collegiate Age (1910-1946), The Decline (1947-2007) and Nowadays (2007-present). He is through reading the book and he did not realize that he skipped dinner. He then puts on his swimming trunks and he performs a first plunge for distance, just so he can try to do better than Otto's personal best. But he surfaces about 7 or 8 yards away from the starting block.
In the area called the National Plunge for Distance Training Center, Bart performs a test run of the PA system. He chuckles before pressing the switch to activate the PA system, "A little presupper entertainment." Once the switch is turned on, he begins to test the thing. "Is Oliver there?" The voice echoes in the outdoor pool, as his voice gets through the system's speakers.
Mike shouts Bart, "Who?" Bart, lodged in the press room, answers, "Oliver Klozoff?" An unsuspecting Oliver answers, with a strong Russian accent, "What do you ask of me?"
He does not suspect that Mr. Klozoff is actually the premier distance diver of the Republic of Abkhazia. However, the troubled status of his country led him to train elsewhere, at Laval University, in Quebec City, Canada. He is using a modified Laval University swim cap with Abkhazian decals on it, instead of the Laval University coat of arms. Bart just crosses his fingers at his reaction. Before shutting down the PA system, he speaks one last time, "Test run successful."
Beijing-side, though, Otto continues his training alongside Tommi Huotari and he tries snatching the weight off the ground. He first tries at 75 kg. Tommi also tries at 75 kg and both men succeed. Otto decides to raise the bar at 80 kg. He succeeds whereas the Finnish fails. And the bus driver failed at the new bar of 85 kg, even as Tommi fails at 80 kg once more, ending the snatching portion of the training ploy.
The Finnish cell phone thrower jerks the weight at 90 kg. Having lost the first round, he gains the right to do his clean & jerk first. And Otto successfully does the same, while Tommi, in turn, increases to 95 kg. Both men succeed and the final frontier, 100 kg, is their scoremark. Of course, they're far from the official records, as they both weigh between 70 and 75 kg, but they both succeed.
"Otto, at least your competitors gave you a few tricks to train with: all we have to do is to go to the Laoshan Mountain Bike Course. Your friends are already there" Wang tells him. But from the very moment they step outside the gymnasium, Otto begins coughing as though the wretched air made Otto sick.
It wasn't even Mr. Huotari who boarded the bus to Laoshan; Mr. Lilium rode the bus for the Laoshan Mountain Bike Course. "All I want you to do, Otto, is to run a single lap of the course. Do it as fast as you can. It may be hard on you, but if you lack endurance, you won't get much further in your cell phone throwing career" he says.
Heated up by a weightlifting session and a tumultuous drive to the Laoshan Mountain Bike Course, Otto is more than ready to tack on the challenge he is about to give to Mr. Lilium, provided two bikes are there. After all, the bikes are free to be rented by athletes, no matter what sport they compete in. The rental booth has three kinds of bicycles: they are used for either track racing, road racing or mountain biking. "Two mountain bikes, please" Otto asked. "We're both athletes, contestants in the cell phone throwing event." The clerk asks for their names. "I am Otto Mann, from the United States" and the other cell phone thrower says "Timmo Lilium, from Estonia." After a simple check in the athletes' manifest, they were allowed to pick up their bikes for free.
"Dude, it's time to roll!" he warns. They both begin at a good pace, Otto with heavy metal music in his ears, but they soon realize that the wretched air takes a toll on them, and turn back, with short breath once they returned the bikes. "Biking in the mountains near Beijing is no good!"