In this chapter, you may learn more about Arnie Pye and his life. But, for now, accept what I say only as a theory.
CHAPTER 7 :
CONFUSION
Wang begins to talk to Otto, "Do you still want to throw cell phones after these Olympics? Or you want to take up another sport instead?" To which the bus driver answers, "No matter how well or how ill I perform in these Olympics, it's decided: the world of cell phone throwing is not very good for me, because I can't perform on a high. I will retire from the cell phone throwing world after the Olympics"
But Otto is, in fact, deeply confused: he is fully aware that Mr. Cauley has been banned for two years, and so is Mr. Kincaid; if he is to retire, the United States will have to train someone else for the next 2 years (and eventually 4, if that someone performs at the same level as himself). Or he feels better without drugs, and maybe he would continue throwing cell phones four an extra 4 years. Or resume driving the school bus upon retirement. He may have announced its retirement just to tease his coach.
St. Hubert, Canada. The headquarters of Plunge for Distance Canada (really, just an office with the files of athletes and coaches, along with the PFDC ledger) regroup its top staff, but only a senior member is on station: Yvan. The main office receives a call from Beijing, concerning Julia Wilkinson. "You have reached the main office of Plunge for Distance Canada, how may I help you?" Yvan begins. A Chinese lifeguard asks him, "Ni hao. Can I talk to the person responsible for the Canadian team of the PFD World Championships? It's about Julia Wilkinson." It turned out that it was the lifeguard on station at the time where Ms. Wilkinson allegedly broke the women's PFD world record who measured the length of her world-record dive, not Otto.
"Sir, what's the matter with Julia Wilkinson? She is not on our records, but surely I can create her file if you give me accurate data about her" Yvan adds. All that is known about her is on her Texas A&M profile, apart (obviously!) from her plunge for distance records. The Chinese lifeguard adds, "We're talking about an Olympic champion here! She is the women's plunge for distance Olympic champion, with a world record of 22.40 meters!" Yvan counters with, "Ms. Wilkinson IS the world record holder, but plunge for distance has been rejected from the Olympic program for Beijing 2008. Maybe it will be officially held in 2012, as baseball and softball will no longer feature in Olympic competition. Sure, we had two main-board qualifiers but no alternate."
The Chinese lifeguard tells him, "In order to have two main-board athletes, your country needs to relegate one of the previous main-board athletes to the second-tier tournament. However, you must call the South Harmon Institute of Technology administrative offices when your country's main instances have decided on whom to relegate to the second-tier tournament, whose winners access the main board." And so Yvan, because of his station among PFD Canada as PFDC's Finance Vice President, was one of the three people capable of deciding of a Canadian athlete's fate in the World Championships team of his country.
He organized a teleconference about this issue. "I think Tonnancour is the worst of the three ladies we could send to the World Championships. I know both (Sophie) Tonnancour and (Marie-Ève) Bois personally, and I saw them dive in the Rosanne Laflamme short-course pool. I believe Tonnancour would best benefit from diving in the 2nd tier tournament instead of being in the main board. Bois was the previous national record holder until Wilkinson broke the WR, after all" he said. The President and the VP for the sporting operations, also the COO, both agreed that Tonnancour has to be demoted.
Back to our cell phone throwing. Otto goes out to the same baseball field as he did a few days ago, owing four ice cream cones (though Ms. Wilkinson is not a recipient end anymore). Marco continues to throw cell phones at targets placed either at the second base or further beyond, as he is at the home plate. And Otto is accompanied by the Chinese coach, who tells him a few things that may be wrong. "Say what you will, but you need to spin a turn and a half. Therefore, start your spinning while you face rearward" Wang says.
He covers his hands in grime, just like a gymnast or a fencer would, and grips his fake cell phone like a discus. As he begins to spin, he forgets about spinning for 3/2 turns, he spins another turn instead and the cell phone get beyond the point where a home run is in force, for the cell phone is past the fence. "How far is the home run fence from the home plate anyway?" he asks. Wang answers that the outfield stretches to 280 ft, therefore Otto can think about beating the national (and possibly world) record in the Bird's Nest, having thrown at an estimated 84.49 meters.
After this throw, voices echo in Otto's head, "Say what you will, but you need to spin a turn and a half", "I will retire from the cell phone throwing world after the Olympics", "How far is the home run fence from the home plate anyway?" and their ghostly faces appear and rotate near Otto's face. "The Chinese will see what cell phone throwing is all about!" he shouts.
Instead of four ice creams, Otto purchases a box of the French-made Rixe de Musiciens cookie assortment. "After all, Olympian dudes deserve better candies to eat than street-sold ice creams during the Olympic Games!" he exclaims. Janick also thinks likewise, because throwing a cell phone is an anaerobic activity. So she asks to have the snacks ready for the day of her competition. "Honestly, you make me think about the Magnuson family" Mr. Fei says. "They want the luxuries before major competitions" Marianne, who compete for, and trains in a third-world country, cannot help but wonder about the luxuries her opponents consume before a competition, such as a World Cup event or the Pan-Atlantic Championships. Or the Olympics. She asks Mr. Fei, "What luxuries?" He answers that "Goran, like her sister, consumes luxuries, like Swiss 70 cocoa chocolate or cognac and, the more important the competition, the more they take. However, Carolina has been arrested for DUI in Qingdao before she could compete and the Swedish National Olympic Committee banned her for the next four years." Therefore, the women's cell phone throwing Olympic playing field is just as depleted as the men's cell phone throwing Olympic playing field (though not extraordinarily so).
Sweden's premier cell phone thrower, Goran Magnuson, has a third-degree cousin who swims in the U.S. national team, Christine. Even though his distant cousin usually eats fast food, he wants to stuff her with something better. He asks Otto, "Is the Rixe de Musiciens any good?" The American cell phone thrower answers, "I purchased seven boxes for US 17.79, so, by all means, take one."
In the United States, one can only purchase two boxes of Rixe de Musiciens for that price. At least, in Springfield, it's two boxes for 17.76. (This means that the 17.76 pricing scheme is still present somehow, even if the price of one is US 12.99) But the price charged for the product sold in Beijing isn't that of the genuine French product; it's a Made in China imitation. However, the one sold in Springfield is genuine, despite the boycott of Canadian, French and German products called for five years ago. (Said boycott has been called off since)
Springfield-side, festivities have been announced for the signing of the Springfield-Penang sister city treaty. Arnie does not look too happy about it. His father, the mayor of Penang, has entrusted him with an emblem that recalls him horrible memories: the Bowling Bracer of the Ramathans. Not only he saw his father break his wrist in bowling while wearing the Bracer when he was still in Penang, but also that it was a family heirloom entrusted to the eldest sons when they marry.
"Barney's Bowl-A-Rama? Why should I even go there?" Arnie asks. "My wife died under Moe's rule as Emperor of Springfield" D.S. then tells him, "I'm afraid that your marriage was arranged, actually after you left Malaysia. You must not meet with your second wife before the actual wedding." The reporter answers that "The Night League of Springfield has its championship tonight!"
The Pin Pals, the current Night League champions, are unable to defend its championship because Homer is in Washington D.C. for his job and Otto is in Beijing because he is the only U.S. athlete that met the Olympic standard in cell phone throwing. Moe and Apu have since then joined the DMV Kings. The four remaining teams, Holy Rollers, Channel 6 Wastelanders (of which Arnie is the captain), Stereotypes and Homewreckers, are all occupying two lanes each. And Arnie dusts off his bowling shoes, while his father says, "Since your marriage draws near, I want you to have the Bowling Bracer of the Ramanathans, so you can end your widow time in style"
Bart is also invited to bowl, with Lisa in tow, but they cannot compete in the Night League Championships, whose champions go to Washington D.C. compete in the Division III of the USBC (United States Bowling Congress) Open Championships. He begins to bowl a few minutes before the real action begins. Anita, who plays against Marge in the lane next to them, with Homer (the bowl) at the key, decides to play a variation on standard bowling: a series of three Monte Carlo games. When one does a strike, a spare or a split involving the colored pins, the bowler who does so wins the game.
Marge dukes it out and makes all the pins fall except for one of the colored pins. However, she fails in hitting the colored pin, so Anita is left to win the first game on the grownup side. Bart applies his cell phone throwing technique to bowling, and very successfully at that, although the bowl does bounce. In the final bounce, it hits the kingpin, bringing down all the pins in a timely fashion. Therefore, he wins the first kids' game. "You cheated!" Lisa accused. Until the rest of the series continued, a continuous chain of "Did Nots" and "Did Toos" ensued and Anita had to intervene, "Bart was correct; he did not cross the foul line. You won the game, Bart."
But Anita failed to score a spare; Marge went on to win the one-game match, and mother had to face her son in a second game. As the main action commenced, lanes 1 through 10 are commandeered for the championships. She left the Bowl-A-Rama for the IHAM because she lost the will to bowl, even as the Night League held its championships at this time.
Bart, lost in all this confusion, finally dares to ask Anita about the prophecy of the Kwyjibos. "The Kwyjibo family told me that I was chosen and I was at the core of their prophecy. What's the prophecy? What I was chosen for?"
Anita answers that the Kwyjibo family greatly supported young brats like Bart and they believe an average brat can become an Olympian, with proper assistance and training, and, in the process, become a good boy (and later a good man). He could have chosen fencing instead, but he thought fencing was no cool at all, even if he practiced with fake lightsabers. He took his decision: "I will dedicate my life to cell phone throwing".
Inside the Bowl-A-Rama, the first of three games is about to end, and Arnie is on the verge of scoring a perfect game, making the Channel 6 Wastelanders lead the first round despite the Bumblebee Man sending two full frames' worth of bowls in the gutter. Even so, the only way the Channel 6 Wastelanders hold off the DMV Kings and the Homewreckers is to have Arnie score a perfect game. If he sends the bowl in the gutter, the DMV Kings and the Homewreckers will still lead the tournament, albeit by 2 or 3 points. However, a perfect game would make the Wastelanders lead over the Homewreckers by 7 points and the DMV Kings by 8.
Kent approached Arnie, "Do you have any tips for us? We may lead the Night League championship but we need to improve if we are to promote the Night League into Division II. Or otherwise bowl for the country you come from if these tips fail." And Arnie answers, "Swing your throwing arm straight; you arc your bowl movement too much."
He does not even suspect that Mayor Quimby is in the bed with the woman Arnie is supposed to marry. "Chanelle, in your swimming suit, you are so… beautiful! I promise I will name a park with a swimming pool after you if you win the China Eastern Invitational Tournament!" And, in the middle of his sexual game with the French-Malaysian woman, someone suddenly opens the door, a medium-sized man with blue hair, and shouted to the Mayor, "You will do no such thing! Chanelle Kwan may be the premier female distance diver of Malaysia, but I, Pelleas Quimby, knew her through a plunge for distance competition!" To this, Joe answers, "Vote Quimby!" But Pelleas, who strangely looks like King Pelleas (in the video game Radiant Dawn, of which he is quite fond) dressed in modern-day clothes, shouts back, "You killed my father!" By then, Chanelle fell asleep but is quickly awaken by Quimby's announcement to Pelleas: "I am your FATHER!"
Chanelle smacks the Mayor and she tells him, in a burst of anger, "Look at your son! At least he is uncorrupted! You're so corrupt! I knew Pelleas for years; he is the chairman of the athletes' commission of the United States Plunge for Distance Council (USPFDC)." Pelleas pitches in, "I am the captain of the South Harmon Institute of Technology Odometers (the SHIT's male PFD team) and one of the NCAA top 5 distance divers!" Bart succeeded in going up to Moeview Motel and see the son of the mayor keeping the door open. The small boy and his boss shout, "Pelleas! Why are you showing up this late?"
He answers, "If I may, I came to save the city from corruption! Springfield has been ruled by corruption for far too long!"
The squeaky-voiced manager of the Springfield Mall's International House of Answering Machines tells Bart at this very moment, "The regional director requests you to be on a TV show about the China Eastern Invitational Tournament. Instead of being the home announcer, you'll comment on the diving instead." His TV experience brought him a couple of tricks he could use for the airing of the China Eastern Invitational. He then daydreams of becoming the plunge for distance chronicler on TV for the Olympic Games, "Maya Buttreeks chose to dive first because her butt reeked, but Anita Bath(e)… Anita Bath(e) first… Anita emerged victorious, despite the claims that she needed baths between dives!" For both of them, the favourite in the men's competition is the son of the mayor himself. "Greetings. I am Bart Simpson, the one who saved your cousin from jail."
"I knew some Springfield kid saved my cousin from jail, but it's only now that I know which kid did so. Well, see you in Springfield University!" he says. Then the squeaky-voiced manager knows where his employee is going to announce at. He compels the young one to do a few practice runs. "Our current match: Pelleas Quimby of the United States, in lane #3, vs Jacques Strappe of Haiti, in lane #6. Pelleas is off to a good start, but he dives some bits too straight, giving Mr. Strappe an advantage. An advantage that Pelleas, a son of the mayor of Springfield, nullifies, as he remains deeper underwater than the Haitian can ever be" Bart allegedly rehearses. But Bart is no seer: he does not know which one Pelleas will face.
Even if he is a son of the mayor, and second at the U.S. Plunge for Distance championships behind Mr. Rotch, also third in the Pan-Pacific Plunge for Distance championships behind Japan's Yutaji Nakamura and Australia's Seymour Butts, that does not guarantee him either a bye or a weak rival for his first match. Bart continues his "rehearsing" with another makeshift sequence, typical on what's on a radio PFD broadcast, as done on Swigmore or South Harmon Institute of Technology student radios: "Tonnancour accessed the quarterfinals only through the disqualification of her opponent, Amanda Huggenkiss, for false-starting twice. She is now pit against Maya Buttreeks; she may be in for a miracle!" A few seconds after, he says, "Victory! Tonnancour earned victory over Maya Buttreeks of Suriname!"
Who really expected Sophie G. of Tonnancour (Tonnancour for short) to be pit against Buttreeks, and win, anyway? Marie-Ève Bois, Canadian women's PFD champion and her rival in the Canadian team? Darryl Holloway, the chief editor of the South Harmon Institute of Technology student newspaper, the SHIT Detector? Brom Buttreeks, Maya's father? Not even Tonnancour herself expected it! However, he turned on the TV and he is stunned by what he saw. "I will retire from the world of competitive plunge for distance, though it has always been a training tool for me as a swimmer – and always will be" Julia says. This is what she declared when an amateur video has been filmed about the plunge for distance women's competition.
"What the?" Bartleby thought, in his South Harmon office. "The world record holder – the main attraction of the PFD World Championships taken out? Tonnancour may promote to the first round of the main board, but she has to earn the slot left behind by Julia!"
By then, though, the Night League has arrived to the end of the third match with the Wastelanders tied for first against the Homewreckers. They have to face each other in a bowl-off. A single frame, with their best bowler; the one who can bowl it best wins. A strike would then be worth 30 points, a spare, 20 + the number of pins that fell in the first throw. Arnie is pit against Jacques. They glare at one another in hatred until Arnie bowls first, scoring a strike. Unnerved by the event, Jacques is left with two pins.
"I hereby declare the Channel 6 Wastelanders the winner of the 2008 Night League championships!" Guan declared, from the PA system of the Bowl-A-Rama. He did bowl but only a single game, against the Mayor of Penang. Obviously, he lost the game, for the Mayor scored 9 strikes, only to send the last two bowls in the gutter, as opposed to Guan's 100 points.