CHAPTER 8 :
MIRACLE IN THE CHURCH
Two days before the preliminary round of the cell phone throwing competition, Wang brings Otto, Janick and the State Comptroller, Janice's mother-side uncle. Wang forced him to attend the Sunday mass in the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Beijing, because he wanted his protégé to be as close to God as possible in the last few days before the Olympic competition begins. He drove his bus at almost twice the permitted speed on the Olympic lane, with other religious athletes and officials onboard, at the other end of the city, not knowing that there was a baseball field near the cathedral.
"We have arrived!" he says. They arrived just in time to see Cardinal Li Shan, one of China's three cardinals permitted to vote in the elections of the Roman Catholic papacy. He is dressed just like Senator (and Radiant Dawn's Chapter 4-2 boss) Valtome, albeit he doesn't look like him at all. "Today's sermon is about Olympic honesty. Though cheating is not against the Ten Commandments in itself, some acts that can lead to cheating also lead to violations of the Ten Commandments: stealing other competitors' equipment, bearing false witnesses in protests, dishonouring your family (if you're only a relative to an athlete or official). God wanted athletes to win without the use of drugs; the Olympic Oath has also been secretly sworn on a Bible after the Opening Ceremonies were held."
Otto then goes out and put on a tiny bit of holy water on himself. And he goes out to light a candle, praying in front of it. "God, if You can help me win a medal in the Olympic Games, I will pledge that I will regularly confess all my sins for the rest of my life" he prayed. Then he goes out to practice his cell phone throwing in the baseball field, just after the mass. His coach suggested the public to engage in cell phone throwing matches against him, under standard IAAF rules. "I'm certain that the local cell phone shop has plenty of customers to purchase the old cell phones, either from the West or the locally-made ones" Wang thought. With his radio and his case of heavy metal music, he puts his Poison music into his CD player.
The bus driver has always been a right-handed cell phone thrower. But when he still was in front of the rack of candles, God seemed to have his way with the athlete. He would uphold His end of the deal but only if Otto practiced throwing left-handed so he could fall back on his left hand should something go awry with his right hand. And so Janick went first to throw left-handed. Otto then realizes that she is a left-handed cell phone thrower. "I'm afraid I am nowhere near you regarding cell phone throwing, but I know you crave intelligent girls. But we're both Olympians, right? So I must ask you, as my uncle is your superior (albeit indirect), and he wants us to make our parts to reconcile Canada and the United States despite the recent political conflicts!" she says. Otto replies, "First off, you may very well appreciate heavy metal and other things that are about where to find smoke in relation to water, but I don't crave intelligent girls. Just that, between Olympians, it is cool for a male Olympian to date an intelligent girl. If only we could go out on a date the night before our competition…" She says, "Once an Olympian, always an Olympian. The lives of Olympians of the past often teach us Olympians of today interesting lessons, especially about people who, despite the political positions of the countries they represent… go on to live romance during Olympics. It's the day before my competition, for yours is held the day after. Do you want to go out with me, just this once?" Otto nods.
Springfield-side, the Sunday sermon was about something other than Olympic integrity. "God wants all of us to achieve our destiny in the world. Very often, we will hear athletes see that little is done for them, but if we prevent them from fulfilling their destiny, God will consider it as an unforgivable sin. Because supporting athletics will often have side effects that would prevent God from exacting vengeance on us!" Reverend Lovejoy declared in front of his church, before a marriage could be held.
Of course, Chanelle is a Roman Catholic but that does not prevent Rev. Lovejoy from performing her marriage ceremony, despite his Episcopal affiliation. Tonnancour, a fellow distance diver, like Chanelle, begins her speech about the special occasion that forced everyone to remain in the church, "We're here today to celebrate the union of two people that lived in both ends of the world before they were reunited. The Asian female plunge for distance champion pledged that, through her marriage, she could make a better world, if only through inter-cultural wedding."
Arnie and Chanelle approached the altar, with the standard musical "marriage theme" Reverend Lovejoy got to his part, "Arnie Pye Ramanathan, do you pledge to love Chanelle Kwan and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to her. Do you pledge to give to her the same happiness she gives to you, to react to her as only you can, and to respect her for who she is, not who you want her to be?" And Arnie says, "Yes, I do." The same thing is repeated for Chanelle. Reverend Lovejoy finalizes the ceremony with "Do anyone here oppose this marriage? If so, s/he should speak up now, or remain silent forever. (A moment of silence ensues) By the authority vested in me by the State of Springfield, witnessed by your friends and family, I hereby declare you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
Under the song The Pledge from Radiant Dawn (the song played when a character promotes to either superior tier, i.e. from first to second tier or second to third tier) the couple leave the church. The choice of music is rather awkward, but it was Pelleas' idea after all, being an avid Fire Emblem fan himself. Chanelle's Maid of Honor, Tonnancour, and Arnie's Honor Attendant, Pelleas, are outside the church throwing artificial petals made out of recycled counterfeit notes from every country whose bank notes have ever been counterfeited. Because some tiny countries, such as Tuvalu, never had their bank notes counterfeited. "It was my idea!" Tonnancour said. The Canadian and Malaysian plunge for distance teams for both the China Eastern Invitational and the PFD World Championships have been invited by Chanelle to the wedding reception, a makan beradab (albeit with both Western and Malay meals). Little do they know is that the United States PFD Council team for these two events have purchased tickets and so do all the athletes involved in both events. Along with their coaches.
Even then, the City of Penang only pays for the alcohol, as their primary event in the makan beradab is a rematch for the top three positions of the binge drinking world championship, as Larry Moist is a guest of the groom's father. He arrives in Springfield with questions pertaining to his "prize", a bronze medal. Larry asks D.S. (Ramanathan) about the reasons as to why he received the object at his home. "Mr. Mayor, why did I receive this thing?" he asks. "You were, at some point, ranked #2 in the world in men's binge drinking when you were defeated by Aziz Ramanathan, a Penang local. Today, you will face both the World Champion and the Vice-Champion. But you have to relinquish the bronze medal for now." DS says. "Best of luck!"
Between the wedding ceremony and the sumptuous banquet, Homer receives a call in his Supreme Court Museum office. "Hi, Homer. How is it like in Washington D.C. among the circle of federal politics?" Marge asks. "I never met any politicians other than Supreme Court Justices at my workplace! But I can watch TV all day long, to be honest, and still get paid! Sorry, honey, but I have to go to the National Cathedral of Washington"
Though the Supreme Court, in itself, has nothing to do with religion, the Supreme Court Museum, however, has its chief curator replace the flag of its State in the National Cathedral at the moment of his/her appointment. As he enters the Cathedral, the organist, two college-level flutists and a high school choir rehearse "The Messenger" (or Empress Sanaki; they have the same sheet music) and, dressed in his reverend clothing (dating back from the days when he operated a chapel in his garage to celebrate homosexual weddings), Homer actually adds the flag of Springfield State, next to the flag of Tennessee, with the Chief Justice below, seeing Homer consecrate the flag himself.
Once down the ladder, Homer and John (Roberts) get to the Jerusalem Altar, when all of a sudden the holy water urn next to the Jerusalem Altar turn wine red. "What is it, Reverend Simpson?" John asks. "A miracle! A miracle! The holy water turned into holy, red prayer wine!" Homer exclaims. No one bled in the surroundings of the Cathedral's main altar, and there was no one else in the church at the time. He also sees the Altar illuminate as though the Altar itself was one big fluocompact light bulb. His oath of Supreme Court Museum Chief Curator is to be sworn on that altar, the same way he would be sworn as though he bore witness in court. "Do you swear to serve the Supreme Court Museum to the best of your capabilities? To remain as neutral as possible in Supreme Court activities?" John says. Homer recites the oath, "I, Homer Simpson, swear to serve the Supreme Court Museum to the best of my activities and to remain as neutral as possible in Supreme Court activities."
The Archbishop in residence has arrived and sees Reverend Homer in front of the prayer wine generated as a result of the miracle that happened right in front of him. "When I left the altar for a walk, I saw the holy water in its normal state; what you saw made me return, Reverend. To certify the miracle, I would require you to drink the whole chalice of holy wine" At the word wine, Homer began to drink the wine as though it was Duff beer. "D'oh!" he thought, as the TV camera was right in front of him. "Reverend Homer, could you please tell me about the miracle?" an off-screen voice asks. Homer answers, "I saw the Jerusalem Altar lighting up but I did not touch the altar itself. And I also saw the holy water turn into wine. The Archbishop made me drink the wine to be sure it wasn't faked out." Finally, the journalist ends with, "This is Sergei Polatov for WIII"
He deserved his Reverend title, as he earned his priesthood by becoming a missionary in Micronesia despite all his flaws in his religious mission. Dressed in his Reverend clothing, he finds an abandoned warehouse nearby, and he takes refuge in it. What he begins to do is to build an altar out of shelf racks and the rather poor end result looks more like General Bryce's armor, the one he wore when he was killed by General (and later Lord) Ike, than an actual altar. And he found candles along with a few pots to contains his candles. But he made a haphazard out of the candle pots, leaving them on the altar. The haphazard is so severe some of the candles fell out of their sockets and, luckily, just fell out without any of them being ignited.
Springfield-side, the wedding reception is held in Springfield High School, in a bid to save the establishment. As a result, the State of Penang (the City of Penang is the capital of the State of Penang) paid all the room rental costs, evaluated at US1,000. Marge drives the bus containing the newlyweds, along with the honor guests, the drunkards who are to be pit against each other, and the United States, Canada and Malaysia plunge for distance teams. However, Mr. Risotto contributed to free food. And, for the first time in Springfield history, the band playing at the wedding reception is not an actual band. The "band", because they requested to have an inclined TV screen, had to provide their own for themselves. The only actual musician in the "band" plays the cell phone.
Lisa has just picked up an humoristic comparison chart between rockers and Guitar Hero champions, provided free of charge by the Canadian plunge for distance team. Here is what the chart says:
True rockers:
Acclaimed by all, especially buxom beauties
Have large lips to kiss more than a girl at a time
Wear dyed sunglasses to look cool
Wear eccentric hair cuts
Is slim as hell due to their diet, composed primarily of drugs
Generate groupies from thin air
Have eccentric clothing tastes to create a look for himself
Wear (synthetic) crocodile-hide-hewn shoes whose smell fit with their pheromones
True Guitar Hero champions:
Acclaimed by a restricted public who squat the couch
Have small lips, ideal to drink energy drinks with a straw
Wear strong glasses because they wear their eyes out by long training sessions in front of a TV
Wear a mullet (if literally translated from French, a Longueuil Cup) and a mustache that stings
Is fat because of their diet, composed primarily of low-fat popcorn, low-sodium chips and Coke Zero (to give a champion good conscience)
Does not generate groupies at all
Have rather bland clothing tastes that can be summed up as Wal-Mart-acquired leggings and sweaters
Wear white socks in order to keep the floor clean
Bart stops by the International House of Answering Machines and realizes his supervisor has closed the shop at 17 o'clock. "Use the Phone!" his boss says. As he does that, he begins to figure out what button plays what note, but he has so little cellphone musical training that even General Bryce could out-play him with a cell phone, as Bart's speciality is the trombone. "For the wedding reception of today, I am to play with my band, called the Fire Emblems. One of the songs I have in store was given to me through you, and I still have the sheet music" the squeaky-voiced manager says. That one unwillingly agreed to use In the Garden of Eden by I. Ron Butterfly.
As for Pelleas, he was seen rehearsing his "music" in a room of the Moeview Motel, as the only member of the U.S. plunge for distance team that was not in the bus bound for Springfield High. A child asks him, "Sir, could you teach me music? I mean, electric guitar… I have a Legend Rickenbacker 360 to start with!" Pelleas asks, "Do you have bases on which to build?" The child replies, "I have my solfège." A frustrated Pelleas tells him, "I'm talking about real bases. Do you know the five colors of the Flying V remote control?" To which the kid does not answer. However, the only son of Mayor Quimby recognized as such offers the kid a chance to play on his custom-made Flying V remote control with a custom-made amp that goes to 11. However, said amp is not set to 11, for a 11 setting would almost shatter a glass of wine. And wake up everyone still sleeping in the motel.
"Here we go! We are playing Days of Wine and D'oh'ses! You, grab the Flying V remote control, while I sing!" Pelleas begins to sing while the kid begins to find the music weird. "Pelleas! Pelleas! I heard that your band was to release a videoclip!" the kid says. "What's your name?" he asks. "I will issue an All Access pass for you, but I need your name first" The honored kid answers, "You will do this… for me? I am August Rush!" Once the all-access pass made, he begins to play the videoclip, Days of Wine and D'oh'ses, only to find that the videoclip utilises a scene from a fight between spear-wielding samurai (i.e. Danved vs. General Roark, Chapter 3-9, Radiant Dawn)
Washington DC, 18 o'clock. As the museum remains open for another three hours, a new visitor arrives at the door of the chief curator's office. That visitor seems intent about asking him questions pertaining to Earl Warren's early life. "Do you know anything about Chief Justice Earl Warren's early law career?" she asks. "By law, I am obligated to keep a record about you and the reasons behind this request", Homer asks. "D'oh!" he mutters. "My name is Tara Whitten. I am completing a LL.D. and my thesis is about how his experience as a strip-teaser could have influenced his legal outlook" she says. "You are THE fabled law Prodigy McProdigy the Supreme Court was after! I was told by Chief Justice Roberts himself that if he cannot meet with you, then I was to do so in his stead. I have to tell you, what Rt. Hon. Earl Warren was considered radical in his time, not only for a law student, but for any sphere of university-level study. It is true that his experience as a stripper is unique in his time but so was his stripping style. And he became ashamed with his stripper experience but later reinstated strip-teasing in his own life." Tara answers to Homer's lecture, "That reinstatement coincided with his appointment as Chief Justice. It also explains why he was so controversial. His decisions, in the Warren Court, were controversial enough not to make him reveal he was a stripper in his youth. He became conservative as a judge in order to hide this part of his life. By secretly admitting his life as a strip-teaser, he actually created a precedent"
To whom this fact has been revealed, no one knows, apart maybe the descendants from any such people. It was true that Rt. Hon. Earl Warren was the only Supreme Court Chief Justice that did, at one point, engage in strip-teasing for any legal purpose. However, rumor has it that people employed in the Pentagon at the time became aware of that fact and petitioned the President to declare it classified. Because he feared Communists from within the United States would assassinate him while still in office.
To the eyes of the competitors, entrenched in Springfield High, the acting referee, Tonnancour, swears her oath on a Bible, "In the name of all judges, I shall promise that we shall officiate in this World Championship match with complete impartiality, respecting and abiding by the rules which govern them in the true spirit of championship." Because there were other entrants than just the three current medallists, the alcohol capabilities of the school were not enough to ensure the flow of the competition. Moe instead invited four of the remaining Big Six, along with Hugh (Jass), to drink alongside the competitors, in his own tavern; however, they are off-contest. As Reverend Simpson is in his Washington D.C. makeshift church, watching TV, he is forced to watch Barney trying to out-drink Oliver Klozoff, Aziz, Larry and other heavy drinkers that were in plunge for distance teams, none of which are Canadian.
With the closed-circuit links that bind Moe's Tavern and Springfield High School, Pelleas leads his band with August Rush as the lead guitarist, singing Days of Wine and D'oh'ses as the competition begins. And A Milhouse Divided, loosely based on Sorrowful Prince Pelleas (since Pelleas has the best experience of Guitar Hero mechanics in the band, he gets to choose all the songs), comes up next. However, it had the insidious effect of making everyone drink slower, so Tonnancour asked them to play something else, In the Garden of Eden, for the first time with a cell phone. Once the 17.5-minute-long In the Garden of Eden has ended, the crowd in Springfield High requested an encore.
Lenny goes up to Moe, whose role is only to supply the competitors with drinks, and asks him to use the phone. "If you want to call the only one among the Big Six not in town… you have to take a minimum of four rounds" He begins to drink the four rounds and his time in the four-round race is barely enough to get him to qualify for the four-round event of tonight. Not like the endurance event, which is a binge drinking classic.
Aziz begins his strike so he can attempt to out-drink Barney Gumble (and the people of Penang can see him try to do so on TV) as Tonnancour begins to intensify her substrate-level phosphorylation. In other terms, increase her energy expenditure and, this time around, it's by running around the tavern. But she knows that she cannot intensify her substrate-level phosphorylation without increasing her oxidative phosphorylation as well, unlike many of her fellow distance divers or the other entrants of the competition she has to arbiter. Anita remains calm, though. The PFDF authorizes the use of alcohol because it does nothing but hamper one's performance. She entered the four-round competition without particular expectations, qualifying by defeating Brianna Reiss of Ireland, who is the women's vice-champion of Europe in the four-round race, in an exhibition match organized to fund the journey of the German plunge for distance team.
But also because she has a corruption detector and she could detect that one of the contestants attempted to bribe her. That sent her running all over the place as the disqualified contestant of the mixed endurance event ran circles around her.
Meanwhile, Pelleas gets an interview on TV, even as the one asking him the questions is actually in the wedding reception of his subordinate. "Please tell me, Pelleas, why did you suddenly appear out of nowhere and reveal yourself as the son of the mayor" Kent asks. "I guess I could have remained hidden and continue my plunge for distance life in South Harmon, but there is a part of myself that ties me back to Springfield. As I heard from another Springfieldian who worked as an intern in the Springfield Shopper, corruption ran rampant. But also that I wanted the mayor's antics to be revealed publicly." Kent continues, "Have you ever imagine to run for mayor against your own father?" Pelleas says, "Not yet. I am not interested in becoming the mayor of a city whose moral base must be rebuilt and, at the same time, study electric engineering." Kent asked him one last question he has been holding back, "Finally, how do you consider plunge for distance?" The young man says, "Contrary to popular belief, plunge for distance is just as elaborate as swimming can be. Any man with decent swimming skill can glide for about 15 meters without much of a PFD training. But to be able to dive at an international level requires intense devotion. When I had to watch plunge for distance meets from the stands (because it wasn't my turn to dive), at Swigmore University, Edouard Montpetit College, or Laval University, among others, I've seen a crowd watch breathlessly a close fight for laurels between evenly matched contestants, then break the surface under thunderous applause when the performance has been spectacular."
Pelleas himself was never known as a man who played Guitar Hero professionally. It's the first concert of the Fire Emblems as it is now. Because Tonnancour is not here, Marie-Eve gave him an olive wreath in her stead. "My wedding gift for you is another copy of my Physics book. It is called University Physics, I purchased this thing while in New York for a competition in the City University of New York." Marie-Eve tells him, "You seem to have a crush on Tonnancour; she told me herself that New York City haunts her every Physics move. Not that she is necessarily no good in Physics, but when someone tricks her and me to talk about physics problems, she always seem to talk about Yvan." Arnie pitches in, "Which Yvan? Surely you can tell me more about this man." Marie-Eve tells them, "Yvan? I was in his class in high school, before I discovered plunge for distance as a sport of its own. In the PFD world, he is best known as being the premier PFD historian. But those who know him more closely know that he displays some skill in science, despite his somewhat defeatist attitude toward the learning material." The bride tells her "arch-enemy", "Arnie told me that, before 1947, many prominent swimmers, artistic divers and water polo players began their aquatics careers as distance divers, but today, the reverse is true." The Canadian girl, who seems to look like Chanelle when she was Marie-Eve's age, tells them that both Tonnancour and herself were competitive swimmers and introduced to PFD as a training tool.
Moe's Tavern, 23 o'clock. After the medals were awarded back to their former recipients, with Barney Gumble as the official Endurance Drinking World Champion and his medal kept in Moe's new office (because the ancient office was the women's restroom, but due to WBDU regulations, if mixed events are held in a venue, the venue must have restroom for both sexes) in the basement, because Moe felt that Barney was too irresponsible to keep the object for himself. But also because he feels he could open a museum of alcoholism.
The mixed four-round event feature drunkards from all around the world; even Brianna Reiss and Idris Ramanathan, Aziz's half-brother, are all lined up to start in the race. However, all top ten endurance finishers forfeited the event, not because they did not want to compete, but the referees, led by Tonnancour, ruled that they drank too much beer in the to compete again. And Penang-side, where betting on drinking events has gained in popularity, prognostics are published concerning the four-round event. They rated their own prominent four-round drinkers the highest, such as Tirunesh Mahsuri, the reigning Asian women's champion, and Idris Ramanathan, son-in-law of the Mayor of Penang.
Anita and Brianna duke it out to drink the alcohol as fast as they can, struggling for second, but Tirunesh, who is better known as the youngest person of either sex to win a major senior drinking championship, comes back from behind to overtake both Brianna and Anita, who trained through the 80 Oz. To Freedom scheme. Of course, the US-acquired Sophie Arbour (unrelated to Louise Arbour, the former U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights) decided to try overtaking the European duet of women with Lenny by running a team race, but she still have Tirunesh to take over, not knowing that Brianna begins her fourth round as her American opponents finish their third rounds. No one did overtake Tirunesh, and Brianna remains in second place as Idris overtook Lenny, Sophie and Anita. Carl encourages his friend, who swiftly overtakes all the people, even Tirunesh, with whom he enters a fierce battle for the gold medal. In a quick shotburst of drinking, Brianna catches up to even Tirunesh herself, accelerating her own substrate-level phosphorylation to do so, resulting in an exciting three-way finish. But Lenny, having barely qualified, ran out of energy and had to settle for a fourth-place tie with Sophie.
In Penang, people watch closely the battle for the first place, where Tirunesh struggles with her compatriot and also, with Brianna (for the European champion is behind even Anita, as she is out of shape). "Tirunesh! Tirunesh! Tirunesh!" they holler. Brianna lost her leeway and she got narrowly defeated. She feels deeply guilty about the whole ordeal; it was her one chance to defeat the Penang-native drinking prodigy, who got an offer for a scholarship from Penang State University at the tender age of 13 in order to captain its binge drinking team to victory. Moe's Tavern then received a call from none other than the Premier Minister of Penang, Lim Guan Eng.
"Moe's Tavern. Who's calling?" he says. "The Honourable Premier Minister of Penang. I want to talk to Tirunesh and to Tirunesh alone." Tonnancour calls for Tirunesh. The teenager, now the 4-round drinking world champion, reluctantly takes the call, suspecting an individual that failed to qualify for the final phase was posing as the Prime Minister of Penang (as he personally took a liking to her and, as such, gave her the backing of the State) to threaten her. But what most of the public does not know (outside Malaysia) is that, de jure, children are allowed to drink at any age but, for people who aspire to become professional binge drinkers, the upkeep of their training must be borne by people who are 18 years old or older.
What is known about her is that she out-drank everyone her age and no league made of drinkers her age in all of Malaysia would accept her, even at the highest level. The only place she could turn to in order to hone her drinking skill would be university but, from a purely intellectual standpoint, she is an average girl. However, she was accepted into the national binge drinking team, entirely made of Penang-dwellers, through the tryouts held in her hometown.