Mommy Dearest

aka

Behind Closed Doors

Summary: I can't believe that she can bear to do this to me, every single day. No relief comes, but I can't bring myself to end it. I need help.

Elaboration: Edward and Alice are brother and sister. Edward is the child that everyone loves to hate, and his sister is the only one that he will let himself trust. Bella and Emmett Swan, and Jasper and Rosalie Hale are the only friends he has, and the only reason he keeps on living. Classic abuse story and not much fluff. All human. Major Out Of Character Moments.

Chapter Five

Addiction.

What do our minds conjure for us when we say or think the word? Some of us look at a chain smoker or binge drinker, or a kleptomaniac and we say that they have an addiction to something. While this may be true, we like to give ourselves a false sense of superiority by giving their addiction a name; because what we name we can look down upon. But what of the unnamed addictions, the ones that no one bothers to categorize? Everyone has an addiction, be it for a person or a thing. When the chain smoker begins his withdrawal, and tried to get over his craving for nicotine, he often will become dependant on another thing, and it is most likely caffeine. I have noticed that caffeine addicts and smokers often keep the same company, but do not allow me to generalize everyone as such, I am merely making observations. So, by overcoming one addiction, we are hooked upon another. People who keep air fresheners in their homes will grow accustomed to the smell, and when those fresheners run out, they go buy more. Because they are addicted to the smell, not as strong as the heroin addict, but still enough for them to want more, if you see my point.

I myself admit that I am addicted to things. I am absolutely intoxicated by the love of my life, but I get ahead of myself. The last point that I left you at in my journal – which I am quite amazed you are still reading – I had confronted my sister about her betrayal. Let me skip ahead five years, for nothing of notable mention happened between the two ages. I will, however, skip over the highlights, or lack thereof.

I didn't speak to my sister after that, nor did I speak to my mother. The doctors wanted me to live in a care home until I was deemed fully stable, which I did until I was nineteen. Bella visited me every day but, true to my word, I never allowed myself connection with her. I distanced myself emotionally, because she would only hurt me if I let her in. She eventually stopped coming. I lost contact with all of my former 'friends'. Jasper proposed to Alice, and they are currently living in an apartment complex in New York. Alice is pursuing a career in fashion modeling and design while Jasper is focusing on architecture and histories. I think he became a college professor as well, to help make ends meet. That is, that's what I heard last time I had contact with Jasper, which was well over three years ago. Emmett and Rose are engaged and live together in Seattle while Emmett coaches football at the university, and Rosalie took up a job in auto mechanics and such-like. I have no idea what happened to Bella – the others refused to speak of her. I figured it was my fault, and she wouldn't want to talk to me anyway, so I had let the matter drop.

On my nineteenth birthday, when I left the care home and went to college, my father gave me a large settlement – well over five million – for me to live on for the rest of my life. I went to one of the best colleges in the country and graduated early and finished university also. My music professor offered to have a word with a friend in recording, and I eagerly accepted. I was the newest up-and-coming young artist; Edward Masen. I dropped my name when I was twenty and took up my mother's, because I didn't want anything to do with Esme or her remembrance. I wanted a fresh start and I worked very hard to get one. I bought an apartment in Boston and have been living there ever since. It's nice and big, with plenty of room for all of the instruments that I undertook to learn. I have at least three baby grand pianos and various types of recording equipment, and I'm now making around six figures a year – a salary that is steadily climbing – so I'm pretty well-off in life.

I will admit, I've had a few flings, but I never let myself get emotionally involved. It was purely a relationship of self-gratification, because I wasn't happy with anyone. No one struck the right cord. Perhaps if I ever find that one right woman, I would let her in, but until then I will stick with my lifestyle, because it's the only one I have.

People often speak highly of the rich and famous lifestyle, and I must admit that I am fairly lucky in that I don't have paparazzi lurking everywhere – I'm not famous enough yet. But the life of partying and drinking and constantly having to be seen wears down on you. It really does.

But it's my addiction, because I always come back for more.

-m-o-m-m-y—d-e-a-r-e-s-t-

I never imagined that I would see her again, but once I did, it was like I had never left.

I had gotten a call from a major magazine that wished for an interview. Though I detested the idea, I agreed, since I was getting bored of my usual monotonous routine, and fancied a change. So at eleven on a Saturday, I dressed and made my way to the building in my silver Volvo. The car was still mine, and I was so glad that I hadn't gotten rid of it. This was one thing that I refused to give up about my past. It sort of reminded me of my roots, and I found an odd comfort in driving the car. The seat was still bloodstained from where I had forcibly removed the chains from my wrists, but I no longer paid the marks heed.

My wrists had healed remarkably well after my surgery, and in the years following. Now all that remained was two light scars on each arm around the joint, and one further up my right forearm. They were almost as pale as my skin, so sometimes I had to look very hard to see them. My shoulder still twanged a little if I slept on that arm or if I moved it wrong, but other than that I was healthy. I had gained weight and body mass to a more acceptable level, and I slept throughout the nights easily – though granted those were sometimes with the aid of pills – and the black circles under my eyes were gone.

I parked the car outside and walked through to the reception. The woman behind the desk smiled at me and directed me up to the third floor after I told her that I had an interview with Mr Kynly. I followed her directions and sat in the plush waiting room until I was called forward. Unlike the other occupants of the room, I did not twitch or fidget; I was someone with endless patience now. It was nice, refreshing, not to have to be on edge all of the time. Another thing I was addicted to.

"Alright…Mr Masen?"

I looked up at the pretty blonde girl who had spoken and stood. She smiled, her eyes looking me up and down in a way that I had come to recognize, and almost expect. Once I had been released from the care home and gone to college, I had quickly developed the reputation of a ladies' man and an extremely desirable companion. At first, I had avoided girls at all costs, but women can be so damn persistent; I gave in eventually. My reputation preceded me wherever I went, almost to the point of annoyance. And my now-light and easygoing manner only made me more attractive to the opposite sex…and the same sex, but I won't go into that.

I followed the girl – she couldn't have been more than seventeen – to a closed door that was the same white as the rest of the interior. It was so bland and cold, like a hospital. She knocked politely on the door and called in my name, and a voice called from the other side to enter. The voice sounded faintly familiar, but I quickly cast the notions aside, sure that my mind was playing tricks on me.

I opened the door, and stopped. The office was large, with a huge oak desk almost dividing the room in two. Bookshelves and diplomas decorated the walls behind the desk, but my eyes were glued on the woman in the chair behind it. The voice finally made its stubborn way into my head, putting the face to the sound.

"B…Bella?"

She looked up from her desk, and her beautiful brown eyes widened. Her hair was longer, and pulled to the side over her shoulder, but still the gorgeous brown that I remembered. She was dressed in a beige suit that clung to her figure in a very flattering way, but all I could focus on were her eyes. They were the endless deep brown that I remembered. Her namesake was the only thing that I could use to describe her; beautiful.

"Edward? Is that seriously you?"

I smiled a little, the crooked smile that I rarely used anymore – it came so easily to me again. I knew I hadn't changed much since I had last seen her, so the question would only be a result of shock. She hadn't changed much either though, to be honest, she just looked…different. More confident, more self-assured. She was no longer the shy, quiet Bella that I would remember her as, but a journalist, with responsibility and…words escape my mind even now.

"Are you expecting another Edward?" I teased casually, finally controlling my shock reflex and sitting fluidly in the chair opposite hers. Her eyes didn't leave me the entire way.

"Masen?"

"My mother's name." I shrugged. "I didn't want to remain a Cullen." She nodded, understanding coloring her eyes. I smiled again. "It's been a while." She nodded again.

"Too long."

Her voice was like liquid to a dying man. I would sit here forever just to listen to her talk. I mentioned before that I was infatuated with Bella. I found that my feelings for her had not changed over the years, but maybe grown stronger. But surely she would have forgotten me. I mean, she probably was in a relationship by now. Without really making any conscious decision to, my eyes swept her fingers, searching for rings. None. I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"What have you been doing with yourself?" she asked, breaking me out of my reverie.

"Isn't that what you're meant to be interviewing me for?" I asked, teasing again. A light flush tainted her cheeks, and I looked at the familiar sight with fondness. I had missed her so much.

"What about you?" I asked, before she could make a remark.

She shrugged. "Went to university and college, and got a job here."

"Why Boston?"

"Why not?"

"Touché. So…why did you leave?"

She knew what I meant. "You distanced yourself from me, Edward, not the other way around." Her voice was harsh, but still beautiful.

"I know, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I have never regretted anything more." And I meant it. I only realized now how much I had really missed Bella. She was like my second rock, as selfish and pathetic as that sounds. When Alice had betrayed me, I had turned away from everyone, yet had unwittingly leaned on Bella anyway. It was like there were two parts of my brain fighting for dominance, and though the part saying to stay cold, practical, distant seemed to be winning, my other side begging for human contact was silently continuing the battle. The needy side was making itself heard now, after five years of being ignored. I wished suddenly that I could erase everything that had happened in the past five years, but I knew I couldn't. I could try and make it up to her though, maybe.

She rolled her eyes. "Why did you choose music? I thought you wanted to become a doctor."

"Being put in a care home for insanity isn't very good on your resume," I said bitterly; it had been Esme's doing. She made sure that every hospital knew that I was 'unfit for practice'. "And besides, I take pride in what I do. I like knowing that listening to my music might be helping someone, somewhere, get through something hard." It was true; every song that I had written had been based on my own personal experiences, and though they told everything in a cold, harsh light, they also offered some encouragement and assurance that the strong could get through it.

She nodded a little, her head tilted to the side, making her hair fan out. "How's Emmett?" I asked, willing to break the silence.

She shrugged. "Last I heard, he and Rose were expecting a baby. She's five months along now, I think." Her brow furrowed as she tried to do the math in her head. She looked adorable. I nodded.

"And…Jasper?" She knew what I meant when I asked that.

"He's doing well. I heard he got a promotion, and they finally tied the knot about a year ago." I nodded absentmindedly.

"Good for them."

"Yes."

Pause.

"How are you doing then? What's new in your life?" I tilted my head to the side, curious and dying to know every detail of her life. I didn't want to have missed out on anything.

She shrugged. "I live a few blocks away, in a little apartment. I have a roommate – Tanya – and she's nice, but she's always bringing guys home, if you know what I mean. She's a waitress at a really shifty bar. I swear, one of these days she's going to wake up raped and murdered."

"What about you? And guys you bring home?"

Her eyes flashed and she smiled a little. I knew I was caught. Crap. "Why do you want to know?"

"Because I want to know if I have to kick anyone's ass. I still care about you, Bella." So, so much. "And I want to make sure that you're happy and that you're being treated right." I was saying too much, giving too much away. But it's a bit awkward to say 'Hey, I know we haven't talked in five years, but I'm still madly in love with you.' Yeah, you can understand a little my predicament.

"Nah, no boyfriends. Tanya always tried to hook me up, but so far no one's been right."

"What about that guy you liked in high school?"

Her reaction surprised me; she blushed and looked down. "He…um…he sort of moved away and we…kind of grew apart. I haven't seen him in ages." I nodded a little. "And of course after that Mike kept coming onto me." I let out a little growl at the name and she laughed. It was like wind chimes, and I found myself smiling too. "So I went off to college, and he even tried to follow me! So I set him up with Jessica and I haven't heard from him since." She giggled.

"Evil mastermind," I said, impressed. She blushed again and I raised an eyebrow at the reaction. "At least I see that some things haven't changed." She smiled nervously and I leaned forward – not really comprehending my actions – and trailed my fingers along her cheekbone, feeling the warmth from her blush. It was heavenly. She blinked at me, shocked.

"Did you get over your…no touching rule?"

I nodded, smiling sheepishly. "Yes. My therapist gave me stuff to help me relax, and then started a course that gradually got me okay with the idea." She smiled, and I returned it. God, how I loved her smile.

"Well, I'm glad that you're better."

"A million times better."

There was another lull in the conversation, and then my brain caught up with my actions. I sat back, putting my hands on my knees and looking around the office – anywhere but her eyes, though that was where I longed to look most.

"So, since you're so interested in my love life, let's have the dirt on yours."

I shrugged, suddenly more uncomfortable. "Nothing really to tell." But I knew she wouldn't let up, so I continued. "I had a couple of girlfriends, but nothing really clicked, so I let them down in a very gentlemanly manner, or waited until they got tired of me, because I had a bit of a reputation and they only wanted to have me under their belts, so I let them."

She blinked. "So you were the school playboy? And I find it very hard to believe that anyone would get tired of you."

"Okay, so maybe I just had to keep breaking up with them, but it's not like they were that upset about it. I was just a conquest to them. I still am."

"You shouldn't let people treat you like that."

"It's nothing new." My voice turned bitter, and I looked down.

"But you deserve so much better."

"I'm just not getting emotionally involved until I find the right woman. No one gets hurt." Hearing myself say it, I realized how stupid and pathetic it sounded. I was miserable, and it was apparent. I just wanted someone to love and be loved by, and I loved Bella. No one could compare to her, really, but she didn't love me. She had gotten over me with high school, if she even loved me at all. I was happy for her.

"So when's Rosalie due?" I asked, desperate to change the subject. I think she saw through me, but it's hard to be sure with Bella.

"Sometime in September, I think."

I nodded. "Do you plan on going over when she goes into labor?" She nodded also. "Do you think…do you think you could call me also? I don't want to miss it."

"But…why?"

"Because…with seeing you here…now…I realize how much I've missed. I really regret shutting you out of my life Bella, really I do, and I know now that I was being stupid by shutting myself out of everyone else's too, whether I was wanted there or not. I know that if I go I probably won't be welcomed but…I miss them. I miss all of you." I looked down, unwilling to meet her eyes. She paused for an agonizingly long amount of time before she said;

"Of course."

"Really?" I looked up, honestly surprised.

"Of course, Edward. We've missed you too. Even Alice." I winced at the name. "She cried for days after you moved away. Nothing we could do would console her. She just kept muttering incoherently. We thought that we were going to have to institutionalize her."

Great Bella, pour salt on the wound.

"But she got better, and she moved on. But we all miss you Edward. The gang's not quite the same without you." She smiled, and I returned it halfheartedly. I didn't want her to see how much I was affected by knowing how much hurt I had caused. I didn't think that Alice was going to miss me much, if at all. It was surprising that she would even care, but she did. Once again, I felt guilt and regret overcome me with a vengeance. I had to leave. Now. I stood.

"It was really great to see you again, Bella. I hope we talk again. I have to go."

She smiled and offered to walk me out. I accepted eagerly.

Once we in the giant marbled lobby, I pulled her into a hug. Her figure fit into mine perfectly as her arms encircled me slowly and she buried her face in my chest. I rested my head on hers, inhaling the scent coming off of her like a drug. God how I had missed her. It was amazing how similar and yet utterly different she had become. I loved it all. I loved her.

"I'll see you around, Edward," she said with a smile when I finally allowed us to part. Already I felt the effects of withdrawal.

"Yes, Bella, I certainly hope so." She blushed, then turned and hurried away. I climbed into my Volvo, already aware that I had found myself yet another addiction.

Author's Note: I want to take this opportunity to thank all of my fabulous reviewers, and I'm sorry if this chapter is the worst of them all, because I think that it is. It was just a huge jump and everything, because I wanted to advance the story. Things are going to start looking up now, but Edward will screw up his happiness more than once, so I'm sorry if this story starts losing its draw, but I can't help that. Please don't lose faith in me!
Please point out any mistakes I might have missed!
Love you all! Review!

HigherMagic x